Friend always late

[TaraMoon]

I have a friend who I often meet for a dog walk. We live fairly close to each other and tend to meet at a certain spot.
So, for example, we’ll agree to meet at 4pm at the park gate and so often she’ll turn up at 4.10. Not always but mostly. I think it’s getting worse … and I’d just love to know what goes on in the mind of someone who does this? Is it about control, is it disrespect, is it just sheer disorganisation?
She’s a lovely person in every other way but this is so rude and inconsiderate (to my mind), I just don’t understand why she thinks it’s ok to make me stand somewhere for 10 mins.
Yes, I could do this too but somehow I can’t bear to play the same game.
I’m not a confrontational person but last time I said ‘I see you like to keep me waiting’ quite sharply. She looked surprised but didn’t comment.
We’re meeting again this afternoon and already I feel irritated at the thought of her thinking her time is more important than mine!
Are you habitually late meeting people, and if so, do you think it’s fine? Why do you do it?!

Lol 10 minutes, sorry but you sound nuts.

If it was freezing out and she kept you waiting 20 minutes longer and didn't apologise THEN I'd understand. But 4 means around 4. Ten past 4 is fine.

Tbh if she’s late I would give it till 5 past and then send a text saying I’m starting a slow walk round the usual route etc, come catch me up when you get here.
keeps you moving, it’s not like your not gonna walk that way anyway and this way it’s middle ground

Totally this.

are you german by any chance OP??

I am a chronic ditherer and often the ‘late one’, I do feel bad and it’s honestly disorganisation and optimism about how long it takes to get out the door/get somewhere.

Personally I love NOTHING more than when a friend is later than me as it’s so relaxing to not be stressing and to be able to say ‘oh don’t worry at all!’ And really mean it 😂 I also see that ten minutes of being earlier than someone as an absolute precious gift to be able to do some life admin, scroll mindlessly or just stare into space (I’ve two small kids….)

please don’t be too hard on your friend and do just turn up at 4.10 yourself (but keep agreeing 4 with her.. obviously..!)

Nein… not German. I do think your post might be quite offensive to Germans though? @Lorralorr
I really think some people have misunderstood my original post. We’re all late occasionally, and I don’t bat an eye if someone’s late once in a while. Totally normal.
I’m also the sort of person to be running for my bus at the last second, packing late the night before my flight etc. I’m not obsessive about punctuality when it’s me who’s affected, quite laid back actually.
But I do think it’s rude to keep someone else waiting, time after time.
When someone makes a habit of being late, surely it’s indicative of them thinking it doesn’t really matter (because they’re not affected).
I’m quite ready to believe some people suffer from ‘time blindness’, ADHD etc. But come off it, that can’t apply to every case.
And as I’ve repeatedly said, I’m not hard on my friend at all. I’m sure she’d be amazed to read this post as I’ve only once shown my irritation.

I used to be an extremely punctual person until anxiety hit me. I’m often a few minutes late to everything now because I just put off leaving to the last second (or put off getting ready to the last second). I don’t know why, it’s people and situations that aren’t any intimidating but it just happens. Nobody would have any clue that I’m sat there the whole day doing nothing because I have something arranged for the afternoon and I feel like I can’t possibly do anything else that day except wait for it to arrive (and then end up being late!)

One of my closest friends is always late. Now I just don't wait for her. If we arrange to meet in a group, even though she and I live near each other, I just meet her there and when we do gym classes together I just go ahead and hope she gets in (as sometimes she is 45 mins late for an hour long class). My time is precious and I have made it clear I am not waiting around for her xx

Don't wait for your friend start your walk and tell her to join you when she is ready perhaps? She may get the message quicker xx

@TaraMoon

The Germans are known for running a very tight ship in terms of punctuality, being up early and so on. Much as the Americans are known for their reservations and planning well in advance.

It isn’t offensive, it is cultural.

If it were half an hour or even 15 minutes…. But it is 10 minutes….

And you were perfectly capable of sending a text message to see if all ok or of walking towards her house to meet her on the way in order to keep yourself warm and calm down the dog.

But instead you reprimanded her like a school marm, which people think is a bit OTT for the extent of lateness.

Yup, I'd be annoyed too OP. I also get frustrated by the lack of respect shown by people who leave you hanging around when they are late and it was completely within their control to be on time!

My DS is neurodiverse and has problems with time-keeping but we've had lots of discussions about why it's important and he recognises his own problems with this and has worked out techniques to be on time.

I don't agree with the people saying you should just suck it up - why should you, if it's a consistent pattern of behaviour?

People who are late do less well in life on the whole, they:

• miss deadlines and opportunities
• miss buses, trains and car lifts making them miss events
• end up paying more for things if they're late with payments/ subscriptions/ tax etc
• lose friends over it

Sometimes people will claim to understand if you say you have time blindness/ ADHD etc but mostly they will quietly drop you/ stop seeing you unless you're really close friends.

I've cancelled cleaners, not worked with specific tradespeople, stopped offering lifts to friends, stopped meeting certain friends all because they've regularly been late in the past! Mostly I haven't told them specifically to avoid confrontation, but that's been the key reason.
Life's too short to be left hanging around!

Im an always late person, so is my entire family. My mum is the worst. The way to solve this issue with always late people is to not be there when they arrive. Just walk off. Make an excuse to say why you couldnt wait. Then in the mind of the always late person they will spend a whole hour building up to not being late, it takes us a lot of mental effort and many hours of planning to not be late for something. Its impossible to explain to not late people why but it does. The other option is to say to her you are meeting at 4, but you turn up at 4.15 so you are not waiting . Its not lersonal from her or disrespect, its an exectutjve dysfunction.

Another thing I’ve realised is that late people are often worried about being the first there. I used to always be on time and none of my friends ever were, for anything. I’d turn up at my friend’s house at the allotted time and she’d just be getting out of the shower, I’d turn up at the pub and end up drinking the first drink alone. I’d feel embarrassed about people who saw me alone or feel I look silly to my friends and that I’m way more keen about whatever we are doing than they are. That now discourages me from turning up early or on time so I leave it until the last conceivable moment. Even though I’m now normally a few minutes late to things, I’m often still the first and never the last.

I’m quite ready to believe some people suffer from ‘time blindness’, ADHD etc. But come off it, that can’t apply to every case
Apart from when you find it inconvenient in which case your lovely friend that would never dispute that you were anything but lovely to her gets slagged off on a public forum.

I don’t think that people who are always late think that their time is more important nor are they intending to be disrespectful.
I think they are just terribly disorganised and have no idea of the impact they have on others.

I say this as someone who is always early!

I haven’t once slagged her off @Hellsmells I said she’s a dear friend, and I mean it. And she’s hardly been exposed if no one knows who she is…
I thought that anonymous forums like this were for making sense of stuff? 🤔
At the outset, I clearly said I was looking for insights as curious.
And as for being a school marm @SensationalSusie Are you really telling me you’ve never once been snippy with someone? Never shown a moment’s irritation? Come on! If I can cut her some slack (which I do, regularly), she can make allowances for me too. Having a problem with being punctual doesn’t excuse you from give and take!

I don't know when we drifted into a situation where it seems to be considered socially acceptable to be late? When I first started work in the 1990s it was very much NOT acceptable - at work, or even socially. People were disciplined and lost jobs over persistent lateness.
I don't know if the arrival of mobile phones has made people more slovenly about being late - with an attitude of 'oh well I can always text them' etc
It's all very well saying 'just do something else while you're waiting' but that's not always practical if you're waiting in the park, or at a restaurant.

I'm horribly time blind and so is my husband. We try so hard not to be late for things, and always text if we're going to be a few mins late (and feel horribly guilty). The least one can do is show remorse for inconveniencing the other person.

@TaraMoon

It’s more the manner of it - could be a colloquial thing or age - but it sounds overly formal.

For me - for ten minutes - I would say, “what kept you, I’m foundered”, or I’d make a joke - “did you fall in the toilet or what happened you?”

”I see you like to keep me waiting”…. It sounds like you’re about to get the cane out and put her in detention.

In your situation, as you like her despite that trait, I would tell her you would be beginning your walk at the agreed time but would walk fairly slowly for ten minutes so she can catch you up if she wants to. (if you follow a set route).

This - adding because you usually run 10 mins late. don't be too subtle

Love this post. I feel seen. I tell myself the appointment is 30 mins before it is. I’m still late.

I don't think it's a minor flaw or just disorganised. I know people who are habitually over an hour late. My ex husband was 7hrs late to pick up our child once. His son (my stepson) is often 2 or 3 hrs late.
Yet these same people can catch flights, hold down a job, make a hospital appointment. It is down to disrespect.

Why do some people seem to think its a little quirk to be constantly late or a failing in others who don't want to waste their time hanging about for them?

The vibes

Oh my God, you’ve really got it in for me @SensationalSusie

Do you think you may have wandered off topic?

Would it help if I told you the immortal words were said in broad Scouse, and I’m early 40s, not an elderly spinster. Not a hint of formality and not a cane in sight 😅

Though is it relevant?

@TaraMoon

Chill, it’s a gif… attempt at humour… I don’t have it in for you at all… calm.

Tried to explain it may be colloquialism, but your phraseology does sound overly formal to me.

Surprised you are early 40s, I would have said mid 50s - 60s due to the formality and concern over 10 min.

I’m not far younger; most of my friends 20-30 mins can be standard due to kids and other commitments complicating life.

All a matter of personal perspective perhaps?

I used to have a friend who was always late at meeting me. I had known them since highschool and they had always been like that so I just grew to accept it as just the way they were. They were also very full of themselves which was also a lot to take. Despite this though their good qualities usually outweighed the bad. No one’s perfect and you have to accept the good with the bad and we were good friends for a very long time.

Towards the last few years of the friendship they grew a lot worse. Not only being increasingly late but also playing a lot of mind games (asking me to go out with them then backing out at the last minute when it was too late for me to make any other plans, agreeing to help me do things then backing out last minute causing me a lot of problems, making generally disparaging remarks intended to put people down, etc). If it had been anyone else I would have cut them out of my life but because we had been friends for so long I felt like I had to give them a chance to change. We had a few arguments over the issue, made up but sooner or later they would return to the way they were.

When I was finally reaching my limit I dropped a few tests (asking them to do things for me to see how they would react). I don’t believe in testing friends but by this point we were no longer friends in my mind. The tests were simply to see if they had any intention of being friends or if they just wanted to continue to play games. They behaved the way I expected them to and so I cut them out of my life. Its been a few years since I did that and its only now look back with a clear head that I see just how toxic things had become.

Despite all this I still believe my original sentiment,
No one’s perfect and you have to accept the good with the bad.

If your friend is just late but otherwise a good friend then accept thats how they are and work around it. If you arrange to meet at 16:00 you plan on being there for 16:10. That’s not playing games its just accepting how things are.
If you have any reason to think they are doing any of it deliberately and playing games then ask yourself if they are someone you want in your life.