Friend always late

[TaraMoon]

I have a friend who I often meet for a dog walk. We live fairly close to each other and tend to meet at a certain spot.
So, for example, we’ll agree to meet at 4pm at the park gate and so often she’ll turn up at 4.10. Not always but mostly. I think it’s getting worse … and I’d just love to know what goes on in the mind of someone who does this? Is it about control, is it disrespect, is it just sheer disorganisation?
She’s a lovely person in every other way but this is so rude and inconsiderate (to my mind), I just don’t understand why she thinks it’s ok to make me stand somewhere for 10 mins.
Yes, I could do this too but somehow I can’t bear to play the same game.
I’m not a confrontational person but last time I said ‘I see you like to keep me waiting’ quite sharply. She looked surprised but didn’t comment.
We’re meeting again this afternoon and already I feel irritated at the thought of her thinking her time is more important than mine!
Are you habitually late meeting people, and if so, do you think it’s fine? Why do you do it?!

I feel your pain OP. I ended a friendship over this, years of lateness. Finally straw, I went to pick her up for a day out, she wasn't ready, said she needed to do a few things and wanted me to go back. I cancelled the day out and went with another friend who actually respects both me and my time. I don't miss her, or her lateness.

I have to hang my head and say I am just like your friend . It drives everyone in my life crazy . People have taken to telling me earlier times to meet up / leave etc .

No real excuse for it , I don’t deliberately like to keep people waiting , I don’t do it intentionally I always say to myself “ I won’t be late this time “ but I am a very easily distracted person and I also tend to think I can do things quicker than I can or things don’t take as long . For eg , every morning I’m rushing my make up because I always say to myself ” 15 mins is fine for hair and makeup “ but it never is - I know this as it’s happened every single day but I still say it to myself every single day !

I am never massively late - it’s like 10 mins or so - I’m always the type to run in saying sorry 🤣 but in all honesty there are a lot of situations where I feel it’s not a huge deal being a little bit late . I do get annoyed at people who are an absolute stickler for time by the minute . In your situation , you’re waiting out in the cold so I understand but what I would probably do is say to you that I would aim for around that time - maybe if you are both local I would say that I would let you know when I leave home . But things like going for a coffee - I understand if it’s like 20-30 minutes but it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest to sit and wait in a warm coffee shop for 10 minutes .

I do also think that some things don’t need specific times … my husband is a stickler for it . For eg - we go to the in laws for lunch sometimes and lunch is served at say 2pm . He will tell them we will get there for 1230. I don’t see the issue if we are 10/20 mins late for that . If we were late for actual lunch or were making people wait I would understand but being late for sitting and chatting I just don’t see an issue with .

I am a late person, always have been, always running around trying to get places on time but I just can’t. One of my DC are the same and it’s so frustrating but it’s my fault, they get it from me!

I guess some people are just rude but not all of us. I can’t explain it. I hate being a late person, it can be so stressful. And so easy for someone to say ‘just get ready ten minutes earlier’. But getting up and doing it is so hard!

I’d suggest telling them a time half hour earlier. Chances are they will NEVER arrive at that time and will be late, but early or on time for the time you want to get there.

Sounds childish but it could work!

Could you ask her to meet you at your house pre dog walk Instead of the meeting point? Then at least you aren't standing in the cold waiting.
I don't think she will be doing this to be disrespectful. She will just be a disorganised person. Possibly parents were similar. I wouldn't take it personally but understand it's annoying.

I walk with a neighbour who is often 5-10 minutes late. Don’t mind in warm weather but once I got really cold hanging around.
So now I’ll aim to be there a few minutes late myself.
but 25-30 minutes late is a different matter. Had arranged to meet 2 people in a restaurant, they turned up together nearly half hour late. Had basically been chatting at home. The waitress had asked me to confirm if they were actually turning up .
don’t see them anymore for this and other reasons

I think it can stem from optimism, ie I have time to do another thing before I go or being time blind. I’m definitely more of a late than on time person myself though I have got a lot better. One of the main things that made me get my act together was the fact I realised I was letting down people I cared about.

I never understated saying just tell them to turn up half an hour early and then they are either early or late. Surely then you become the one that’s late and your friend becomes pissed off with you because they didn’t know of the imaginary time you have set yourself.

The very occasional 10mins can be forgiven, especially if you're in a position ahead of time to text and say you're running a little late, but on your way now. Doing this constantly, however, is bad manners and taking the other person for granted - especially if they're not sitting in a cosy cafe having a hot drink, but waiting for you somewhere outside. 🌹

I was in a tennis group once where you'd put your name down for a certain time, and the organiser would put you together with three other people so you could play doubles for a one-hour slot. First time I went, one of the other women turned up 20 mins late. Impossible to play doubles with three players, plus we're paying for 60 minutes but only played for 40. Anyway, she was very apologetic blah blah blah, so she got the benefit of the doubt. I got put in her group the following week, and she did it again. Seemed totally oblivious to how this could be in any way annoying for other people. She had no problem with leaving very promptly at the end though, so promptly she didn't pay her share of the court. I don't know if it continued because I asked never to be put in her group again.

@Boysnme Agree and also I’m the sort of person who if I say I’m going to do something or be somewhere at a particular time, barring something unexpected happening, I will 100% be there. I would find it very difficult not to keep to my word.

Either that or like a family member have autism.
She doesn’t mind where we go or at what time; as long as she knows where we are going and stick to the plan.

Once again, pretty much everyone is late at times as yes, unexpected things crop up. I have never come across anyone who doesn’t completely accept this.

It is habitual lateness with no messaging that the OP is talking about and circumstances with no traffic or other potential holdups.

Yes , I have an autistic child who hates being late and the poor thing has a mom who is always late ! But they’ve got used to me and deal with it quite well and actually turn it into a joke but I do tend to not do it with her , or I do say we have to be there later than we do just in case

So you've diagnosed members of your family with ADHD and said that because they can manage to be punctual then it's perfectly possible for others. It's not. Some people struggle with punctuality and develop strategies to cope. Others have ADHD and can't cope, can't hold down jobs.

Perhaps your family members do have ADHD - albeit without one of the crucial tell-tale signs. I don't expect everyone either ADHD to be able to do the same things as me. The only things that unite us is our symptoms, one of which is disregulated perception of time. We're not tardy or lazy, we literally don't experience time in the same way. It results in us being both impatient and late. We can compensate to a degree but for me, doing that is without a doubt the most stressful thing in my life (on the contrary, things other people find stressful tend to be no great shakes for me) Having to obey the clock forces me to override the way I experience life. I understand only too well the inconvenience it causes those who have to deal with me and I'm sorry to a disabling degree.

No, I can't try harder.
No, setting reminders won't help.
I'll just quietly withdraw from life instead.

That's the reality of ADHD. In itself, it can be rather marvelous but we live in a society that disables us. BTW your description of your MIL sounds more asd, the planning and control, that's not really ADHD. I have an ASD daughter who also has a tendency to be late, but unlike me strategies work for her because she responds to rules.

Im afraid some people are like this.
They will never change So, disregarding ' Not wanting to play that game'.....its not a game to them so next time they say 4 pm , plan to arrive 4: 10 ( with no malice,)
On a lighter note ( Im like this) AND I SET ALL MY CLOCKS AND WATCHES TWENTY MINUTES FAST ( no $π|t)

It's an interesting discussion OP. Until I was diagnosed with ADHD I had no idea how people managed to turn up on time, I just couldn't comprehend it. Now I know people experience time in different ways, it's really quite fascinating. But as someone who is also very impatient, I get the frustration when different types come together! I think the problem is when people take it as a personal slight rather than working together to find a solution that is manageable for all - late comer picking up the punctual one from their home or at least meeting somewhere dry and comfortable.

I have a friend who is always late too. It used to infuriate me, as I learned at a young age that it is the height of rudeness to assume your time is more valuable than other people's. But then I started playing a game where I would see how many things I could do between the time she said she'd arrive and the time she turned up. And I also started to be late to meet her if we were meeting elsewhere. I now know 7pm means 7.15 so that is when I arrive.

Incidentally, I have ADHD and am always on time, and always have been since being told in my teens that being late was a power trip of telling the other person they were less important than you - and I never wanted to give that impression. But in order to be on time, I couldn't (until medicated) do anything prior to a meeting in case I forgot and messed up. So I'd do nothing at all until an 11am meeting, just to be 100% sure I didn't screw up and arrive late. On medication, I can do a stack of things first and be on time. It's such a great difference.

If you know she always shows up at 4.10 instead of 4 like agreed and you know this is something she is always going to do then why don't you just aim to get there for 4.10 aswell so you are not left waiting and she will likely turn up at the same time? I don't get what the big deal is? You're either not willing to put up with what you call the disrepect for your time or you just adjust slightly for your friend who you say is usually lovely.
There is a solution here but I think you're just too irritated/close to see it.

Massive pet hate of mine is people who are late!!! Especially those that turn up late and then don't even apologise

For me this has always been about disrespect. Lots of people making excuses on here, adhd, just a personality thing…I bet they are the ones who are late to things on the reg. If you were consistently late to work it would be a problem, it might even lead to further action being taken. Whilst I might be a chronically early person (my DD once asked me why were were always the first ones at any party she was invited to) I would never hold it against someone running late for genuine reasons and where they have let me know. Just not because they decide that another job needs doing before they can leave the house, hang out the washing, water the plants, walk the goldfish kind of thing. Especially if it’s a repeat offence. There is literally no excuse in this day and age with the level of communication and connectivity we have. Just leave ten minutes earlier!!

I am so tired of this sort of response. There are absolutely people for whom their ND is a massive barrier. But that's not what is being talked about here.

For many many many adhd people, there are tips ans tricks to manage themselves. As with any ND, people at the extreme end are the ones who suffer more and I certainly don't deny that. But wr are talking about most people here and, more relevantly, the sort of people who leave people like OP waiting but have no problem making it to work.

I have a friend like this. It doesn't bother me so much when we're just meeting up. My sense of timing is rigid and I appreciate that others' can be a little more loose. We arrange 4pm and I think well that's 4.15 then. However it bothers me so much when we go to events that you have to be on time for, that the last time (fancy cinema, missed the start of the film and had people tut as we took our place) that I decided to not do them any more.

I think the very basic question here is, if you know she's always late, is your annoyance about that worth more than your friendship? I seriously doubt that she thinks her time is worth more than you. Someone upthread described time haziness, i can belive that. I am late on occasion, I have had to wait on many occasions for my friends. Some are consistently late, some are to the dot, some are early. I prefer late to early. I've always just enjoyed my time with them when they arrive. Always managed to occupy my time while I wait.

A family member is currently being aggravated by a woman who brings her ds to him for lessons. This lady is someone we've known for years. They come late more often than not, even with the start time adjusted for later. There have been several occasions when they haven't turned up at all, without letting him know. And occasionally they will turn up early, while he's still hoovering. Just as well he doesn't have another pupil straight after their slot! What can he do? Each time, she apologises and she says she doesn't know why it's happening so much.