Friend always late

[TaraMoon]

I have a friend who I often meet for a dog walk. We live fairly close to each other and tend to meet at a certain spot.
So, for example, we’ll agree to meet at 4pm at the park gate and so often she’ll turn up at 4.10. Not always but mostly. I think it’s getting worse … and I’d just love to know what goes on in the mind of someone who does this? Is it about control, is it disrespect, is it just sheer disorganisation?
She’s a lovely person in every other way but this is so rude and inconsiderate (to my mind), I just don’t understand why she thinks it’s ok to make me stand somewhere for 10 mins.
Yes, I could do this too but somehow I can’t bear to play the same game.
I’m not a confrontational person but last time I said ‘I see you like to keep me waiting’ quite sharply. She looked surprised but didn’t comment.
We’re meeting again this afternoon and already I feel irritated at the thought of her thinking her time is more important than mine!
Are you habitually late meeting people, and if so, do you think it’s fine? Why do you do it?!

I very much doubt anyone German would be offended by the idea that they valued punctuality 😂

@TaraMoon I’m also early 40s and would never keep someone standing waiting for 10 minutes and would feel the same as you if someone did it to me. There is also a world of difference sitting in a cafe for 10
mins and standing in a fixed point with a dog.

If someone has kept me waiting 10 mins in the park (as they ran into a friend on the way and got chatting) I won’t meet them for a walk again.

One friend who I like meeting up with but is terrible at getting to a fixed point at a certain time in the park ; we walk towards each other or I walk in a loop and she catches me up.

I should clarify the middle example above happened to me - the friend who kept me waiting while chatting to someone else. Told me all I needed to know about her and that I didn’t need her as one of my walking friends!

I met her sunday for a film and she turned up 30 mins late.

I wouldn't be waiting for her - anything could have happened - and go into the cinema by myself. I'm there to see the film, not deal with other's tardiness.

But I have no problem going to see a film by myself - in the afternoon - I do a lot solo, including travelling.

I brought up my child solo so had to do it all really (dad not around).

It's a great training for getting through life. 😊

I have this exact issue. I had a job interview the other day at 1:30 and got absolutely nothing done in the morning that wasn’t related to the interview. I try to set appointments for early in the day so I don’t waste my time. I heard a term for it the other day in an adhd group: waiting mode.

I heard a term for it the other day in an adhd group: waiting mode.

Sorry to puncture your special bubble, but that is not an ADHD 'thing' but absolutely normal. If I have something time critical later in the day it will be on my mind all morning - which is the reason why I won't be late. I suspect most punctual people are the same. And a job interview later would stop anyone being their most prodctive in the morning - why seek to pathologise behaviour well within the usual human bandwith?

I came back to say exactly this!

It's the same thing with people trying to make occasional stress and anxiety a condition. I questioned this with my DS the other week when he said one of his uni friends dropped out of their group presentation due to "her anxiety peaking" and her feeling too nervous despite having no prior history of anxiety etc.
I pointed outed out it was completely NORMAL to feel anxious and nervous before an important presentation - in my early 20s I used to deliver conference speeches to hundreds of people and I slept badly and couldn't eat anything until they were over, but I just knew this was the normal ebb and flow of things. The 'high' of the achievement afterwards was worth the stress of the build up to it - that's life!
I remember hearing Ian McKellan say how he used to throw up into a bucket before the start of any stage production because he was so nervous. I'm so glad he didn't decide "his anxiety was playing up" and go home instead!😀

Yes, it’s the reason I don’t like late afternoon flights as end up doing very little to ensure I’m not late. Agree that this is the way most punctual people think, i e they plan ahead.

@SandyThumb This is so me - I didn’t get a lot of sleep in February because I had a series of presentations and workshops booked for early March😅

I actually like afternoon flights because I just accept that I’m not going to do anything else in the morning apart from perhaps some last minute packing. But it means I get a better sleep. If I need to leave at say 6am for a morning flight i end up staying awake all night or waking up at like 3am!

I’m glad to see some commonsense views here. Sure there must be people who struggle with timekeeping because they have a condition.
But many comments on this thread show that a good number of people don’t see lateness as a problem… So clearly, their timekeeping issues are not due to a ‘condition!’ In fact, they even try to make out that someone who doesn’t enjoy wasting their time must be weirdly uptight, anal, boring, ‘German’ or nuts - to name but a few adjectives that have cropped up on this thread. Ridiculous.

It’s true, I’m ND myself but hate being late. I am far from a natural at being punctual but I make a real effort to overcome my natural proclivity for lateness simply because I can’t stand the idea of people waiting around for me. Some people don’t seem to mind that at all !

The only thing I’d suggest if you want to keep on socialising with perpetual latecomers is to make sure you arrive late too. On the off chance that they do arrive on time, when you’re late - well they can have a taste of their own medicine and wait for you for a change!

@Shiveringinthecountry Sorry, I'm late replying to you. Yes thank you. It was just 2 out of 12 bones I broke in a car accident. Technically fully recovered, but disabled. I can walk now though. Thanks for asking 🤗

I really don’t see why you are getting so… dare I say it… uptight about this? People have different views about timekeeping! Most people don’t set out to offend each other on purpose! Let’s all relax!

You seem to be demonstrating the OP's point perfectly here Lorralorr! You are clearly of the 'lateness isn't a problem' variety...

But as several posters have demonstrated it IS considered a problem - for friendships, for appointments, for work - in fact for just everyday life functions!

If you're late, you may not intend to offend, but the fact is that you DO. So if it's a problem you know you have, then you should try to find a way to own it and deal with it - it's not other people's responsibility to stand around waiting for you.

@TaraMoon

I agree with @Lorralorr

You are coming across as dismissive and uncompromising, calling everyone who doesn’t agree with you ‘ridiculous’.

If you didn’t want opinions, why come on a discussion forum? Not everyone will see things as you do.

Most would agree that being on time for work or a flight would be essential.

For friends many will cut them leeway for a short period of time (such as 10 minutes), try to make a compromise or at least approach them in a friendly manner to resolve any issue.

this is so patronising, what your describing isn’t the same. What the poster is describing is some people with adhd who can’t do anything at all, all day if there is something planned later that day. It consumes them, they cannot go to the shops, meet a friend or attend another appointment all day as they need to focus on getting to what is arranged in the afternoon, I have witnessed this and it’s extremely disabling

@Harry12345 that adhd waiting mode crippled my life for years. I only very recently discovered it's a symptom of ADHD. I had no idea anyone else in the world did this, or why I did it. I am nearly 60 and was only diagnosed this year. The difference between being on meds and before is immeasurable, and I can assure @HeadNorth it is nothing like a neurotypical person's preoccupation prior to an important meeting. It's (for example) total freeze for four hours prior to a one-hour Zoom call.

Yeah, I totally get it, a family member I know is bad, I am too, like you say will zoom meetings in work I struggle to dip in and out I need to prepare and decompress afterwards, my family member is totally disabled by it though to the point I ask them if they want to go a local walk in morning and they say I can’t I have docs app at 3.

But maybe you also need to work on not being so easily offended if someone is 10 minutes late? It is not a personal attack, perfect timekeeping is just a thing that comes more easily to some than others.

I guess I am trying to recognise that people are different, while you and the OP are trying to say that everybody should work to be on time, I don’t think that’s a particularly good or realistic thing to want.

if you have a friend who is chronically late, then understand that about them and don’t show up on time yourself. If you had a friend who couldn’t eat nuts presumably you wouldn’t feed them peanut butter, if you had a friend who was dyslexic presumably you wouldn’t expect them to read a book at the same pace as you. Maybe just a little more understanding that we’re all different and being a little more relaxed would help everyone

But you're missing the point that it's only a problem to YOU and your kind. There are loads of us who don't consider ten minutes to be late/a problem, and just because you think it's an issue doesn't mean that it is. It's just your view and there's plenty of people who disagree with you.

I find it incredible that people get so worked up over ten minutes! And aren't able to occupy themselves for that period of time.

And as for those who don't think executive dysfunction or waiting mode exist for us ND people, you really do need to stop being so ableist.

@Cofaki how do you manage to catch trains/flights etc and make medical/ school/ job appointments?

I avoid trains, flights are ok because you have to be there two hours before and then queue, my doctor, dentist and hospital are always running late so being a bit late doesn't make any difference, I'm self employed and for online meetings I am at my desk and the meeting just pops up from my calendar so then I click join. Generally work events I attend are time x for time y so I aim for x and will be there before y so it's all good.

What’s so cool about being 10 minutes late? Seems odd that you can always manage to be 10 or so minutes late but never on time? If it’s genuinely due to stuff popping up surely your arrival time should vary substantially.

It almost sounds as though you turn up late for your medical appointments because you don’t like being kept waiting.

If you'd read my early posts you'd see that I have a DS who is dyslexic, and you're right, I don't expect him to read either the same way, or the same speed as me (although you might be interested to learn that dyslexia isn't actually just about reading and writing - it's a whole host of other things, including executive dysfunction sometimes!).
The point is that his reading of a book differently doesn't affect me in the same way as someone being late does.

I have food intolerances myself, but I wouldn't dream of expecting someone to have to alter all their menu just to accommodate me - I'll either offer to take some food myself, or just not eat what I can't.

Rather than expecting the other person to turn up late themself, why don't YOU, as the person with the problem, mark down the meeting time as 10-15 minutes earlier than the time you agreed?? That's what my son does, and it seems to work for him?
Can't understand why anyone wouldn't try a bit harder to do something which they know annoys and impacts one of their friends. It's very selfish and self-centred.