Am i losing my mind?

[Imsorrywhat]

I've just had a really horrible shock. My dp and father of my dc had a female friend over in his den/office, has a TV, sofa, guest bed etc in. I've just watched him in lying bed reach out for her and she sat on the bed while he pulled her to him hugging him. Am I in a parallel universe or is that a really weird and inappropriate thing to do?

Omg that's one hell of an update. He clearly knew what you wanted to discuss. I wonder how long he would've carried on lying for?

And to get her pregnant? For me, for him to be going through those emotions and upset at the time, yet be normal at home, we be breaking point for me. No return from this

I'm so sorry OP 💐 what an awful shock you've had. Have you a close friend or family member who can come and be with you? Be kind to yourself, you need time to absorb and come to terms with what's happened today. Sending hugs 🫂

What an absolute lying bastard. Do not relent. Get a trusted friend to hold your hand through all this, and get a SHL tomorrow.

He's an utter disgrace.

I thought when I read your OP that it sounded like he was trying to entice her into bed - and not for a cuddle. It reminded me of clumsy flirty "Come on, wink, little cuddle, fnar fnar" crap that some men have tried with me, and she was declining, but playfully - so a flirty no - probably due to location more than anything. I'd be in no doubt he'd have snagged her in YOUR house then and there, had she been willing.

You deserve so much better. He deserves to lose you.

I don't want anyone to come over as I don't want to tell anyone yet. Not until I get my head around everything. He had a panic attack as I looked through all the deleted messages on his phone and how they talk to each other is far too close. I don't understand why he'd stay to keep the children as a family. He's a great father bar this obviously massive wtf but until I knew this

She seems to really love him. I don't know what's sadder, him talking to her intimately and either him feeling the same or. I was going to say leading her on but I've seen him be genuinely caring towards her so I don't even think it's that. Wtf

I'm so sorry that this has happened to you.

I would be slightly suspicious that he has carried on with her the whole time and only told you the 'we broke up and I prioritised us' line to minimise the damage.

The situation described of pulling her into bed for a cuddle and still deleting messages shows there is something else there, even if it's an emotional affair (which is just as bad).

I would be absolutely livid at the audacity of the pair of them being together in your house and around your children.

Completely understand that you don't want anyone to know or people around you right now however reaching out to a close, trusted friend / family member will be a great help when you are ready.

He sounds like a complete arse and I think you deserve better.

Wow op that's a crazy situation. Kick him out right away. How dare they flaunt this in front of you for years and then he has the audacity to claim he stayed for the family. If she hadn't lost the baby what would have happened?

I’m so sorry OP. Please tell someone trust me I know what it’s like the trauma, feeling like you are in different dimension and this can’t possibly be your life. What he has done and the fact she had been kept around all these years and been around you, your kids in your home is fucking sickening. You can’t come back from this as a couple OP. A one time mistake sure maybe but he sounds like he has been having his cake and eating it and a master of lying and compartmentalisation for yearrrs. I had one like this too OP it’s earth shattering and you question whether you ever really knew them at all.

@Imsorrywhat you really need some support right now. This is a huge betrayal which you are only just beginning to comprehend. Please get some in real life support.

And don’t fall for the panic attack, after years of him being in control and cake eating he’s no longer in charge of the narrative. He’s scrabbling to protect his interests and his self image.

You deserve so much better than this utter creep!

I’m so sorry OP - what a horrible update. Another cheating scumbag.

That he offered to tell me at that point but she said she couldn't decide that for him and he said because of wanting our dc to grow up in a family he chose us

Well what a prince - he stayed not because he loves and adores you and knows he’s done wrong but bc he wants the dcs to grow up in a family. Slow hand clap.

He had a panic attack as I looked through all the deleted messages on his phone

No he didn’t have a panic attack - he was just shitting himself bc he knew you’d find more info. Sounds like he has form for “panic attacks” and “meltdowns” and has form for manipulating you.

It takes some brass neck to parade your affair piece in front of your wife and children, introducing her as a friend and no doubt having you feeling uneasy and insecure about their relationship - what a brass neck he has.
Remember my earlier comment about how I believe the married man I had a “relationship” with got off on having me in his house/marital bed? Sounds like that’s the case here too. It’s sick.

And she got pregnant with his baby and was devastated to lose it? Hmm, chinny reckon.

I know you’re in shock right now but honestly - Save yourself any more heartache and just get rid. Next thing is he’ll be having you play the “pick me” dance.

Reading all your updates. It sounds to me like they are in love but he doesn’t want to lose the comfort of his home, his wife and children and the financial benefits of staying married.

So he’s kept her around almost like a live-in mistress - the biggest case of having his cake and eating it I’ve heard in a long while.

And she seems to be going along with whatever breadcrumbs he throws her because she loves him. More fool her.

Just shameful and utterly shocking behaviour. You must feel so blindsided.

I hope you’re OK OP.
What he’s done is one of the most shocking things I’ve heard on here. The absolute audacity of the man.

Please confide in someone you trust tomorrow. I know you will struggle to tell people what he’s done but don’t be too worried to ask for support. People who love you will be there for you. They will help you get through this and out the other side.

Take time off work. While he is not in the house collect any financial information together and see if you can get an appointment with a solicitor.

As an aside, they absolutely deserve each other. Pair of scummy arseholes. Sorry to say it, but perhaps get checked for STDs as he clearly isn’t being careful if he believed the pregnancy was real.

@Imsorrywhat, I just saw your shocking update. The camera caught him out and he’s bricking it. The jig is up for this self-serving, entitled cheat.

I notice that he didn’t say he chose you, his devoted partner, but instead chose the ‘family’ for the children’s benefit… The truth is he chose to betray and harm all of you, as he brought into your midst the woman he loves who carried his baby. He trashed your relationship, stole your agency/consent, and defiled your children's home to keep his mistress close. He also risked your health by having sex with her.

He has perpetrated a heinous, gut-wrenching transgression against you and your children, with OW’s help. Please exercise self-care and seek support from trusted loved ones. Consider accessing IC for clarity. Knowledge is power, so consult a solicitor for legal and financial guidance.

What a prick!
He thinks it's ok to cheat and then he and he alone gets to decide to stay to keep the family together...why didn't you get a say in it?

And then he risked your childrens happiness every single day by keeping this secret AND by keeping this woman around, what if the kids had seen the videos? And I'm sure they are going to experience some of the fall out now.

He's a prick.
You poor thing OP, you must be in serious shock.

I don't believe he had a panic attack either, only the most brazen of men would be having the OW around his house pretending she's just a friend.

He's full of shit.

i am sorry you had to find out this way.
does he have a bed in his office?

sending you strength to do what is right.

Jeez, what an arsehole! They've both been playing you for a fool. Well he's well and truly fucked up the 'happy family' now hasn't he?!

You deserve better than this. I think you will need some space away from him to decide what to do. Don’t let him talk his way out of it. Give yourself time so you can decide how you feel without his narrative getting in the way.

This is the very worst kind of shock for you OP.

Their story had been cooking away right under your nose in your own home while you have been so trusting.
I can only imagine your thought processes as you try to understand where you and your dc now stand and what the future holds for them.

He clearly didn’t want to lose her from his life so couldn’t bring himself to end it, keeping her simmering on the back burner. You will no doubt be asking yourself …did he want me to find out.

The terrible betrayal by her too OP, not only of you but worse, of your children too. She accepted your hospitality on several occasions, whilst all the time in love with him and lying about her reasons for being in your house and around your children. So again, you will probably be asking yourself …was this all part of the plan for an easier transition when he eventually swapped you for her.

And now you have a massive dilemma. You can never trust him again but you know he will go straight to her and she will make it all very easy for him. She has already wormed her way into the lives of your children, smoothing the way for their step-child futures, no doubt with step sibling to complete her happy picture as soon as she can.
My immediate instinct would be to want to scupper that plan (if that’s what they are thinking)

Your hurt must be crippling.
Take your time getting every last truth out of him before you decide what’s best for you and the children.
You have a right to tell her what you think of her now she has been outed as the worst kind of most despicable betrayer possible, totally unworthy of being anywhere near your children.

Under the pretext of wanting to keep his family together, he has royally screwed up your lives and showed how weak he is.

There is no right way to deal with it all, only you can decide, once you know the facts for sure and once your emotions have settled a bit. Take your time. Wishing you all the very best.

This is clearly an ongoing affair you’ve rumbled, do not buy this “Iv just kept her around as a friend”. Crap clearly still seeing her. The whole time -not that that makes much difference he’s already cheated & lied. And also don’t buy this faux heroic “I chose us for the kids” what that actually means is “I’m a cowardly, spineless shit head who wanted best of both worlds and I don’t care who gets hurt, I’m just sad Iv gotten caught ”

OP I’m so so sorry. This relationship is over. He is a scumbag. You have found out. Please as I’m sure you will look after yourself & dc and get rid of this lying cheating scum and take the time to process this (throw him out ) them rebuild your life without the deceit without this piece of shit man.

So were they supposed to be working together in his office which is why you wouldn't have disturbed him?

What an absolute shit he is.

To give you no choice about staying with him when he first knew her.

I'd be livid about that.

Ill reply properly when I'm up to it later but just reading through and wanted to say thanks

As for her, I don't actually have any feeling toward her. Im not ok with her obviously but after seeing the last 24 hours I have no idea what he's told her or what he's capable of anymore. I don't see her as betraying me at all, she's nothing to me. Our children are under 4 so she's not been manipulating them. I don't know what to think or just feel sorry for her too but that might be exhaustion

OP you’ve been strong and wise so far under the circumstances. You’ve done all the right things.

And you are right to focus on your family and what you want and to not waste energy thinking about OW when the fault lies squarely with him.

I have a feeling you’re going to be OK. So will DC - they have a strong woman for a mother.

💐

Your husband's sense of entitlement is breathtaking. This is one of the worst posts I've read. Please please end this sham of a marriage. Take care.

Echo the posts above. You’ve been remarkably dignified so far. The pain will be devastating but keep your dignity infront of him. I would t be surprised if his next move is the victim/poor me/my mental health card. Literally fk that. Your world has been destroyed by his calculated, long term actions. You owe him nothing. Find your rightful anger and kick him out and then rebuild your life.

Thank you. We aren't married so that might make things a bit easier financially