Dh won’t take accountability

[Marshmallowandcustard]

Dh and I seem to row a lot these days (been together 25yrs).

He is stressed as he hates work. (Think huge corporate job where he’s very high up the ladder). He comes home and doesn’t communicate other than by moaning about everything and everyone. Does nothing in the house. I dish up dinner and he always has something to say about it such as ‘ffs that’s too much on my plate’ or ‘it’s not my fave’ or ‘bit overdone/underdone/too much chilli’ blah blah. He then sits on sofa and falls asleep. When he wakes he starts snapping at me. This is consistent. Then he complains I’m not in the mood for sex when we go to bed.

Weekends are similar. But we have more awake time whereby he moans about everything, swears at the dog etc. I try and encourage him to go for a bike ride to clear his head or play golf. He always makes excuses as he says he cba. So I exercise alone.

We often go to the local pub for dinner or a drink with friends. Every time we go he complains how I’m too friendly to people and how he cba to talk to people. (He will literally blank people, leave them standing with their arm out to shake hands kind of thing). I don’t think I’m too friendly. I love conversation and I’m incredibly sociable.
When we come home, he then tells me someone (different each time) has been coming onto me and he’s not happy and he expects me not to put him in that position next time and therefore not speak to that man next time we see him!! We’ve always got our teens with us and I’ve never flirted and wouldn’t anyway.
I’ve got a lot of friends whom I adore and I know like me, although I still feel I lack confidence as don’t feel good enough for them.

This weekend he randomly told me I’m an embarrassment. I’ve no idea why other than apparently I’m overly friendly. This was said BEFORE going out with friends for lunch. All I can think is that he was making me feel conscious of how chatty I am in order to silence me before going out.

Ive become numb as just don’t know how to react. I don’t actually react, I ignore every negative comment but that’s now meaning there’s not much left to actually acknowledge.

He played golf yesterday and came home and made me a cuppa. He’s now told me he’s tried to ‘make up’ but feels I’m ignoring him. I’m not. I’m just ignoring the bad behaviour. Other than that I’m chatty.

AIBU to want accountability, not a cup of tea?

Hes text me from work today reiterating he’s tried. I’ve told him I need accountability and he’s refusing.

I don’t know what to do. He’s impossible to communicate with.

Men are pathetic.

He's dragging you down.

Get rid.

If he won't communicate in person then spell it out in a text or a email.
His behaviour is not acceptable, not pleasant to be around and your not accepting him taking his work stress out on you by being rude, grumpy and swearing.
That he now has a choice, 1 stop it and make an effort, 2 go to couples counselling or 3 leave

Get rid, he sounds abusive,

Well his behaviour is going to be very expensive (half his pension pot and half the house, potentially). I do hope he considers his vile moods worth it.

Seriously though OP, do you want this for the next 40 years? It sounds totally joyless.

Here...
Have my very first LTB!
This is no way to live, op

this post sums up my opinion. 💐

He's doing his best to make you small and silent. The question is, do you want to let him?

Oh, here we go. Tarring every bloke with the same brush.

@Marshmallowandcustard's OH is pathetic.

FFS

No-one should have to live with someone like this. Rude and arrogant to everyone? Is he like this at work? Think how peaceful and sociable your life could be with him out of it.

He's a nasty, abusive arsehole who uses you as his emotional punchbag.

You know you deserve better, right?

It's up to you how you choose to spend the rest of your life. You don't have to put up with that kind of shit. You could walk into a lawyer's office today and commence proceedings for a no-fault divorce.

Picture how your life could be if he wasn't in it any more. You wake up every morning with the freedom to do whatever you want without the burden of having an abusive husband.

Your choice.
You decide.

PS: I chose freedom. Never regretted it for a minute.

My first thought was is he trying to make you leave him... because that's what his behaviour would make me want to do!

Oh yes, another thing... when you tell him you're divorcing him, be prepared for him to do a complete 360 and try to get you to change your mind. And when you don't change your mind to agree with him, be prepared for him to 360 once again and turn nasty. It's called "the script".

This is too overwhelmingly common a scenario though isn't it?

A generalisation though for sure. One that is pretty prevalent everywhere I look though.

Hi s attitude isn't acceptable - but he sounds depressed. Can you encourage him to speak to somebody.

It seems a shame to throw away 25 years if he hasn't always been like this

Yes, he is rude at work. Very dominant and always considers himself correct. He’s very successful in business. But as I remind him, that approach to people doesn’t make you a good husband or friend.

Hes always believed if he shouts, he gets.

I think he’s insecure tbh. He often makes comments about me ‘flirting’ or others ‘coming onto me’.

I also exercise to extreme. It’s my form of relaxation. He doesn’t understand this. But as I’ve said in the past, we all relax in different ways, I chose exercise and he chooses to have a nap. He’s now kicked off at me for this too, telling me I’ve called him lazy. I absolutely haven’t though. I’m too scared to speak sometimes as it’s never right. Yet all he does is say it’s me causing the arguments because of my actions.

I consider myself (and am told by my daughters and also my friends) to be a really positive person. I always try and boost others, including dh. It’s just not good enough

The comments about flirting etc aren't insecurity. They are designed to make you feel uncomfortable about speaking to other people/men.

They are to lock you down and prevent you having freedom.

He is controlling in all aspects of his life and you can accept it or leave. He is putting you down and making you doubt your interactions with others to control you. It is not healthy and after such a long marriage not something you should put up with.

Why are you still with him if it's like this?

Do you have good times or is your DH as several have indicated here in the few words they have posted?

For others to say "leave him" very easily said than done but your choice

So what is your next steps, plan of action?

Would you want your daughter’s partners to treat them this way? You are the blueprint to them for what a relationship should be. If he treated you this way when you got together, you wouldn’t tolerate it. So don’t tolerate it now. Imagine repeating the last year of your relationship over and over for the rest of your life. If that thought scares you, then you need to make some changes because he’s not going to.

Does he have any clue how he comes across?

Well.. he's a delightful man isn't he. I'm not sure what your plan is but I'd seriously consider getting yourself a good solicitor and evidence of his salary/pension. He clearly doesn't deserve you! You'd be so much happier not having to tip toe round this A-hole..

He hates his job? Is this a new thing ?
Could he change to something else or financially is that impossible?

@ImCamembertTheBigCheese - he absolutely denies talking to people so badly! Yet I’ve had people ask me if they’ve upset him due to his rudeness. But then next minute, he’s chatty and polite to them. And then he’s ignoring them again.

I know he’s like it to others and not just me, it’s almost a double whammy.

But everyone sucks up to him as they don’t want to upset him. I see it with work colleagues, friends and family. The trouble is, the more I’m becoming aware of it, the more I refuse to do it. And that’s why he’s becoming worse towards me I think. I’m just so different to that. I would always put others happiness first and love nothing more to laugh til my tummy hurts.

I don’t know what my plan is. It’s easy to say LTB but after 25 years, it’s not that easy. He always blames work for his bad mood and says if he retires then he won’t be as grumpy. He definitely always thinks the grass is greener though so I’m not sure he will ever belly laugh with me. That makes me sad

@LittleWeed2 - he’s always hated his work. But he hates everything. It’s a toxic corporate environment. He’s at the top and spends his entire day doing deals and pulling the wool over people’s eyes. Although I think people are kicking back a bit now and he’s feeling a bit out of control