Dh won’t take accountability

[Marshmallowandcustard]

Dh and I seem to row a lot these days (been together 25yrs).

He is stressed as he hates work. (Think huge corporate job where he’s very high up the ladder). He comes home and doesn’t communicate other than by moaning about everything and everyone. Does nothing in the house. I dish up dinner and he always has something to say about it such as ‘ffs that’s too much on my plate’ or ‘it’s not my fave’ or ‘bit overdone/underdone/too much chilli’ blah blah. He then sits on sofa and falls asleep. When he wakes he starts snapping at me. This is consistent. Then he complains I’m not in the mood for sex when we go to bed.

Weekends are similar. But we have more awake time whereby he moans about everything, swears at the dog etc. I try and encourage him to go for a bike ride to clear his head or play golf. He always makes excuses as he says he cba. So I exercise alone.

We often go to the local pub for dinner or a drink with friends. Every time we go he complains how I’m too friendly to people and how he cba to talk to people. (He will literally blank people, leave them standing with their arm out to shake hands kind of thing). I don’t think I’m too friendly. I love conversation and I’m incredibly sociable.
When we come home, he then tells me someone (different each time) has been coming onto me and he’s not happy and he expects me not to put him in that position next time and therefore not speak to that man next time we see him!! We’ve always got our teens with us and I’ve never flirted and wouldn’t anyway.
I’ve got a lot of friends whom I adore and I know like me, although I still feel I lack confidence as don’t feel good enough for them.

This weekend he randomly told me I’m an embarrassment. I’ve no idea why other than apparently I’m overly friendly. This was said BEFORE going out with friends for lunch. All I can think is that he was making me feel conscious of how chatty I am in order to silence me before going out.

Ive become numb as just don’t know how to react. I don’t actually react, I ignore every negative comment but that’s now meaning there’s not much left to actually acknowledge.

He played golf yesterday and came home and made me a cuppa. He’s now told me he’s tried to ‘make up’ but feels I’m ignoring him. I’m not. I’m just ignoring the bad behaviour. Other than that I’m chatty.

AIBU to want accountability, not a cup of tea?

Hes text me from work today reiterating he’s tried. I’ve told him I need accountability and he’s refusing.

I don’t know what to do. He’s impossible to communicate with.

Exhibit the behaviour you want them to learn from and that means leaving when someone is making you miserable and is quite frankly, borderline abusive.

Borderline?!

Having read your updates OP, miserable or not, he is also very nasty to you. On purpose. He knows he's doing it.

How you have stood itso long I can't imagine, but Jesus, fuck him off. (With all due prior preparation to protect yourself and your dcs)

They are children growing up in an abusive home. This will harm them in the long run.

DCs absorb domestic abuse even if they don't witness it. It's become so normalised in your house you won't even see it.

It sounds like he's already convinced your DCs that he's in the right and you're in the wrong- you want that to continue?

Leaving him is setting your DCs a good example. Staying teaches them abuse is ok.

No doubt you'll receive a torrent of abuse when you see him face to face. He'll be savouring the punishment he'll dish out to you for daring to be uncontactable for that half hour.

As you’ve been together for 25 years, I’m wondering if he’s always been like this? Has something happened in the last months/years to make him so rude and abusive. You sound friendly and chatty to people, it’s horrible to be told this is embarrassing to him, you don’t deserve that, ditto criticism for exercising.
He sounds miserable and if he won’t open up and talk about the problems, what are your options besides splitting up? I agree with everyone here, it’s no way to live and life is too short.

You live with your bully. That's awful.

Do not remain with him for the sake of your kids or in particular to wait till they leave home. What would that achieve anyway and why would you do that to you and them?.

They won’t say thanks mum to you for doing that to them. It will further teach them yet more damaging lessons about relationships as well as he grinding you down in those intervening years. No amount of exercise will prevent that from happening.

Do not get further bogged down in your sunk costs.

@FlakyPanda - I’ve been thinking this..has he always been this way. I actually think I’ve changed. He hasn’t.

We met and I had already had a toddler. So from day 1, I was chained to motherhood. I wasn’t really empowered and all my hobbies went on hold. Roll on 20 years, and I’m getting my life back. Competitive sport, socialising, friends, dinner parties etc etc. I think this change is what’s made him a lot worse towards me. I think he was happier when I didn’t have much on in my life on a personal level

Do you work outside the home?

Yes but it could be outing so haven’t said what I do and it’s not an important factor as to the reasons of my Op

God imagine what he'll be like when retired and with you all day

So you are in a position to leave. And as a successful corporate type he would have the ability to fund a decent standard of living for his kids. Your kids already seem to excuse his behaviour as work stress. Have they learnt this is what someone has to put up with or that it's the kind of thing that they are entitled to do to a partner? Perhaps you will get lucky this evening and he will 'only' swear at your poor dog.

Remind me why you stay?

Then perhaps he is jealous of you getting your life back while he is working and not enjoying it, maybe feels threatened by your friendliness and social skills that he lacks. It doesn’t excuse abusing you at all and you should not put up with it but might explain a bit of his awful behaviour - he preferred when you weren’t empowered and doing things for yourself, depending more on him, more predictable/controllable wife at home.

I think this is a reality that isn't talked about enough in the context of controlling and abusive relationships. When the abuse starts relatively early on, even if it takes the victim a while to leave, it's all clearly delineated, "he did x and I never felt right about it but..." But often, these things are not even noticed by the "victim" in the beginning. She doesn't really want to go out for nights out, or to the gym. Because she's tired. Or because she feels the DC need her. Maybe on some level she marvels at women who can go out knowing their DH's are capable of doing bed time, but she tells herself that she does it better and he works hard and it's not worth the aggro.... Often exacerbated by the fact that in those early days of parenting money is often very tight.

But then things start to change. The children get older and more independent. She's less exhausted with more time to think and do. she decides to finally get on top of her exercise regime and appearance. She starts making more friends and planing activities. Maybe she's working AND he's bringing in a bit more so finances aren't so tricky and she thinks that therefore it's okay for her to spend some money on herself...

And the abuser goes into a complete spiral and ramps up the behaviour because he genuinely can't get his head around it.

I almost feel sorry for them because their lives are changing, and not for the better. The fact that they have been behaving appallingly for years isn't the point, they had it all nicely set up and now it's being taken away.

Stop inflicting him on your friends. Go out without him for a start. Your children have watched you tie yourself in knots for this man. Your dd's will go on to do the same. Just start living your life for you.
By the way, he puts you down to make you feel small, there's no other reason.

Snap

This! Retirement isn't a holiday in the way the OP husband makes out. It's a major life change, not just financially but psychologically.

He doesn't sound like someone who'll be able to let go and make new plans full of uncertainty

yes this. Based on how far he's got into his narcissistic-style collapse, I'd put money on your friends and family breathing a massive sigh of relief if you are a) honest with them and b) leave him.

I think because he has you trained to believe that if he behaves badly it's because YOU are in the wrong - eg you (supposedly)upset him, or were (supposedly) flirting, or were (supposedly) inconsiderate, his behaviour is your fault. But of course, to the external world, we just see a dickhead who can't even shake someone's hand at the pub because he's in a mood (because normal, emotionally healthy adults, even if we're really angry with someone else for legitimate reasons, don't take it out on random people we are chatting to at the pub).

So he’s just got home and is walking round like a wounded puppy. Shoulders hunched and ‘sad’. I’m acting completely normal with my kids and in myself and letting him be the victim for the evening. Doesn’t wash with me. In fact makes me see the negative energy that bit clearer

God he sounds worse then my 5 year old huffing then looking over his shoulder to see if anyone is watching/paying attention!
Keep ignoring OP!

Aaah, the "I'm so sad because you were so mean to me" even though you didn't do anything. Argh.

It's all a ridiculous act. He thinks that by acting sad all of his horrific behaviour can be excused.
No. He is a grown up. Whether he likes it or not. Mummy, or you, don't exist to save him from his sorry self.

If he hasn't worked that out by now, he never will.

Save yourself and have a merry old lovely life. You deserve it after putting up with his self indulgent shit for so long.

Honestly, I would leave this man, he sounds totally impossible.

What will you say to your daughters when they tell you thier husband had been treating them like shit but it's just because he's tired & stressed & can't help it?

Boom in comes the 1st Fem Icel rocket, send it up high like a lifeboat flare & gather all the others.

It certainly appears this man is an arsehole. But nope forget him, all men are! Jesus Christ!!