Dh won’t take accountability

[Marshmallowandcustard]

Dh and I seem to row a lot these days (been together 25yrs).

He is stressed as he hates work. (Think huge corporate job where he’s very high up the ladder). He comes home and doesn’t communicate other than by moaning about everything and everyone. Does nothing in the house. I dish up dinner and he always has something to say about it such as ‘ffs that’s too much on my plate’ or ‘it’s not my fave’ or ‘bit overdone/underdone/too much chilli’ blah blah. He then sits on sofa and falls asleep. When he wakes he starts snapping at me. This is consistent. Then he complains I’m not in the mood for sex when we go to bed.

Weekends are similar. But we have more awake time whereby he moans about everything, swears at the dog etc. I try and encourage him to go for a bike ride to clear his head or play golf. He always makes excuses as he says he cba. So I exercise alone.

We often go to the local pub for dinner or a drink with friends. Every time we go he complains how I’m too friendly to people and how he cba to talk to people. (He will literally blank people, leave them standing with their arm out to shake hands kind of thing). I don’t think I’m too friendly. I love conversation and I’m incredibly sociable.
When we come home, he then tells me someone (different each time) has been coming onto me and he’s not happy and he expects me not to put him in that position next time and therefore not speak to that man next time we see him!! We’ve always got our teens with us and I’ve never flirted and wouldn’t anyway.
I’ve got a lot of friends whom I adore and I know like me, although I still feel I lack confidence as don’t feel good enough for them.

This weekend he randomly told me I’m an embarrassment. I’ve no idea why other than apparently I’m overly friendly. This was said BEFORE going out with friends for lunch. All I can think is that he was making me feel conscious of how chatty I am in order to silence me before going out.

Ive become numb as just don’t know how to react. I don’t actually react, I ignore every negative comment but that’s now meaning there’s not much left to actually acknowledge.

He played golf yesterday and came home and made me a cuppa. He’s now told me he’s tried to ‘make up’ but feels I’m ignoring him. I’m not. I’m just ignoring the bad behaviour. Other than that I’m chatty.

AIBU to want accountability, not a cup of tea?

Hes text me from work today reiterating he’s tried. I’ve told him I need accountability and he’s refusing.

I don’t know what to do. He’s impossible to communicate with.

@JadziaD - oh my goodness, you’re right! He absolutely has made people feel sorry for him. I hear it all the time whereby people say ‘awww, god, that’s awful, you poor thing’. I hadn’t actually thought about it! And yes, my dc do it too. He often puts a puppy voice on.

@Keha - I think I will try and get some counselling actually. I’ve got lovely friends but just don’t want to be that person who burdens my crap on them. I’d rather be someone they feel that’s fun to be around.
I struggle to talk in depth about things. Looking back actually, I haven’t often done so as feel I’m boring dh. So I guess that’s transpiring to not wanting to bore the pants off my friends too

@Marshmallowandcustard Your post has made me feel very sad and I have nothing but sympathy for you. I do want to say though, I know a lot of people who have stayed in unhealthy relationships for the children and am a child of divorce myself; please consider the relationship you are modelling for your children. I find children are a lot more perceptive than they're given credit for and they are seeing this relationship and forming their core beliefs based on it. They need to see their Mother in a healthy relationship where she is allowed to be happy and isn't constantly critisied. They need to see a Man who is big enough to say I'm sorry and mean it and not belittle you. Just take some time to think about it, staying isn't always what's best for the children.

Has he always been a negative snappy cunt? Sounds like you'd be alot better off without him tbh

You sound like a good person, trying to be happy despite your husbands cruel and abusive treatment. That horrible expression "kicking puppies" comes to mind, because I don't see how he can rationalise his behaviour to himself without feeling like a monster. Maybe he does, and that is why he is like it. I honestly don't know how you are putting up with it.

Change the narrative.

1. Serve the dinner. When he says his piece, ie “It’s not my favourite.” quietly and calmly get up, walk over to his plate, pick it up and scrape it immediately into the bin. Sit back down and finish your meal in silence. Clean up in silence and go about your evening.

2. Stealthily collect all of his laundry and give it to him to fill his interminable hours of weekend family time. If he finishes that, I’m sure there’s vacuuming and plenty of dog poo that needs picking up in the garden.

3. Go to the pub. Leave him at home. Meet new person who wants you to be happy. Be with them.

You can’t possibly think it’s good for your kids to be around someone who treats you like this.

I was also married to a man like that. He wore me down for years until I was a husk of my former self.

When I eventually found the strength to tell him I wanted a divorce, he laughed in my face.

This was years ago - before the internet, before the criminalisation of coercive control and marital rape. It was hell. But I got through it and never looked back.

The moment I ended my marriage it was like the weight of the world lifted from my shoulders. The divorce was a bit of a nightmare, but it always is with men like that.

My life was transformed and I went from strength to strength and have created a wonderful life for myself and my (now grown-up) children.

Also, now that there is no-fault divorce, it means you don't have to enter into a gladiator's arena to end your marriage.

Agree.

I feel for you, but seriously, your poor kids!

You r stuck with a jealous man child … this would drive me nuts … he needs a good talking to about his obnoxious behaviour . Honey it sounds like you are a vibrant social being and man child is going out of his way to dim your bright light … needs to stop like today … be strong and fierce

I can assure you your children know the truth of what is happening. I was them. My mother treated my dad similarly all through my childhood. And we kids were spectators to it. I left home as soon as I could to escape it, it felt like living in a horror movie at times. Never had a good relationship with mum, held it against my dad for not doing something about it. Still makes me sad to think about it, am in my 60s.

Christ, he is a psychopath. How you are still sane I cannot imagine.

You have the rest of your life ahead of you. Don't spend it with him.

It's quite upsetting to read that you don't you'd children to see his behaviour as anything other than 'he's tired & stressed & can't help it" - they've learned that it's acceptable to treat others this way. Either they will go on to be victims of the same behaviour or will inflict it on others.

I have a relative who behaves to me in a similar way to your husband and I cannot begin to tell you how damaging it is.

Children mirror our own behaviour, will you be happy if your dc either turn into an abusive arse like your dh, or someone who puts up with that behaviour?. Our relationships are the blueprint our dc use for what a 'nomal' relationship looks like. Show them what a strong, independent woman looks like, someone who won't put up with being treated so badly.

He's abusive op. He won't change when he retires, does he change on a weekend or during his holidays? dDo you really want another 50+ years of being treated so badly.

While perhaps my DH wasn't as confrontational as yours, he went through a period where he was so pessimistic and negative that it was bringing me down. It wore me down to the point that I had no tolerance for it and even small comments (traffic is always ) completely irked me as nothing would roll off his back.

In the end, I said I was done. We were on a weekend away but I packed up my stuff and said I was going home (left him with the car). When he called me asking me to come back, I said I had reached my limit and I couldn't go on like we were anymore.

When I got home, he was already there. I was not going to stand there and listen to 'the script' but then he said 'he didn't want to live like it anymore and be so negative all the time'. That was what made me pause. He could have said he will try not to be so negative (which he did before) but this time it was different. It was sort of a self-reflection? Obviously it would have been brilliant if we didn't have a massive bust up to get to this point, but actually, it was almost like the final choice with two doors - stay or go.

Since then, he has actually changed. He's no longer so negative and while he does make some annoying quips, it's done lighthearted now. We have also been laughing a lot more, enjoying time with each other and have a much better connection.

Unless your DH does some serious self-reflecting, he won't change. You either sink with the ship or choose to swim your own path.

They often tell me he’s grumpy due to stress or work and he can’t help it. I don’t want them to see it any other way.

From my own experience with a father that flies off the handle, this is a huge mistake.
Because what I’ve learnt from that is to appease at all cost and find excuses for bad and unacceptable behaviour instead.
It took me until my 50s to realise how deep this run and how it affected my own marriage. Not in a good way either.

Why is it a shame?

He's awful and it's ruing her life.

Why is it automatically 'depression'? Maybe he's just an arse

@Alarae - wow! That’s great it turned out like that. You must feel empowered too.

yes, the negativity is so draining. I’ll say it’s sunny, and he will say ‘yes but it’s forecast rain!’ He’s negative about everything apart from golf. Talk about that and life’s good!! Otherwise he checks out, or starts snapping and curling his top lip up.

this thread has really helped me see the wood from the trees. But it’s also scared me into thinking that I’m not sure I can handle it worsening. I still feel there’s something I can do to change things maybe.

I turned my phone off for half an hour just to do some meditation to chill. He’s now phone both dc as apparently tried my phone and wanted to get a message to me about his work 🤷🏻‍♀️
I haven’t called back. I normally would but I just can’t face doing so and for him to make me feel shit all over again

Get him told! Spell it out for him.

You have not said one nice thing to me today, all I've had is criticism and and snapping at me and you expect me to want to sleep with you? Really?

Meanness isn't attractive and it's certainly not making me feel loved or wanted so knock it off or fuck off its up to you but I'm not going to be your emotional punchbag and then just provide sex on demand.

I turned my phone off for half an hour just to do some meditation to chill. He’s now phone both dc as apparently tried my phone and wanted to get a message to me about his work

I assume the message was NOT urgent?

This is pretty classic controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour. If he is just being a bit of a dick, pointing this out might lead to a change. If he's truly controlling, abusive etc, pointing it out will lead to a blazing row and/or him sulking because he's such a victim and "can never do anything right."

DH went through a phase of calling me ALL the time for silly things. It was annoying as hell as I was busy at work and he was a SAHD. Even more annoying as he almost NEVER answered HIS phone if I wanted to reach him.

It came to a head when he pinged my phone on findmy when I didn't answer. I was in a meeting. Obviously assumed something terrible had happened, excused myself and left the meeting to take the call. He wanted to ask me where the swimming costumes were or something equally banal and unimportant.

Let's just say, after that row, he has never done it again. And he is still, years later, absolutely mortified by how entitled and dickish he had got.

You really think that sort of person would listen??

Of course he won't.

The last year of my marriage I started to switch off too. I realised he wouldn’t change no matter what I said and did. I gradually withdrew from him physically and emotionally until I was pushed over the edge to leaving him.

He used to drop used clothes all the house and I’d pick them up, wash them and put them away. The last year I started leaving his dirty clothes in a pile in the spare room.

He’d stub out cigarettes on the back door frame and leave them lying on the ground in the back garden. The last year I stopped picking them up and our back garden ended up with hundreds of cigarette butts. It was disgusting.

He’d start arguments before we’d go anywhere in order to get me to cancel and stay at home. In the last year I refused to engage and would just go places without him.

You’ll get there OP. He’ll do awful things and each time you’ll feel a stronger desire to get yourself out of this relationship and situation. Keeping a secret diary is a good start but you must make sure he can’t find it. Women’s Aid helped me and I’ll forever be grateful to them. It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.

It’s weird because apparently he was desperate to get hold of me however having been told by my dc that my phone is now on again, he hasn’t tried to call me back. He’s driving for 2 hours now apparently and always calls when driving. So obviously he didn’t want to get a message to me that urgently.

It's not weird, it's a control issue

It's abuse. And he has trained you to be his victim and whipping boy. I think you should stop trying to appease him and just tell him you're done. First, though, get a solicitor and make sure all the paperwork is copied and filed. Good luck

Your daughter’s relationships have the potential to mirror yours. They have grown up watching their mother be treated like a piece of shit and will believe it’s ok to be treated like that.

How would you feel knowing their husband is making them feel pathetic and small? Do you cringe if you picture their partners or potential partners saying the same words to them as your husband does to you?

Exhibit the behaviour you want them to learn from and that means leaving when someone is making you miserable and is quite frankly, borderline abusive.

My guess is he felts consumed and trapped in his job and can see a way out so lashes out
in guessing it pays well and enables a good standard of living