Dh won’t take accountability

[Marshmallowandcustard]

Dh and I seem to row a lot these days (been together 25yrs).

He is stressed as he hates work. (Think huge corporate job where he’s very high up the ladder). He comes home and doesn’t communicate other than by moaning about everything and everyone. Does nothing in the house. I dish up dinner and he always has something to say about it such as ‘ffs that’s too much on my plate’ or ‘it’s not my fave’ or ‘bit overdone/underdone/too much chilli’ blah blah. He then sits on sofa and falls asleep. When he wakes he starts snapping at me. This is consistent. Then he complains I’m not in the mood for sex when we go to bed.

Weekends are similar. But we have more awake time whereby he moans about everything, swears at the dog etc. I try and encourage him to go for a bike ride to clear his head or play golf. He always makes excuses as he says he cba. So I exercise alone.

We often go to the local pub for dinner or a drink with friends. Every time we go he complains how I’m too friendly to people and how he cba to talk to people. (He will literally blank people, leave them standing with their arm out to shake hands kind of thing). I don’t think I’m too friendly. I love conversation and I’m incredibly sociable.
When we come home, he then tells me someone (different each time) has been coming onto me and he’s not happy and he expects me not to put him in that position next time and therefore not speak to that man next time we see him!! We’ve always got our teens with us and I’ve never flirted and wouldn’t anyway.
I’ve got a lot of friends whom I adore and I know like me, although I still feel I lack confidence as don’t feel good enough for them.

This weekend he randomly told me I’m an embarrassment. I’ve no idea why other than apparently I’m overly friendly. This was said BEFORE going out with friends for lunch. All I can think is that he was making me feel conscious of how chatty I am in order to silence me before going out.

Ive become numb as just don’t know how to react. I don’t actually react, I ignore every negative comment but that’s now meaning there’s not much left to actually acknowledge.

He played golf yesterday and came home and made me a cuppa. He’s now told me he’s tried to ‘make up’ but feels I’m ignoring him. I’m not. I’m just ignoring the bad behaviour. Other than that I’m chatty.

AIBU to want accountability, not a cup of tea?

Hes text me from work today reiterating he’s tried. I’ve told him I need accountability and he’s refusing.

I don’t know what to do. He’s impossible to communicate with.

My DH was like this and turned out he was cheating and I gave him the ick because his new side piece was better to him.

So he's a bully too who shouts and stamps when he doesn't get his own way.

What do you get out of this marriage?

@hereiamnowwoo -I’m sorry that happened to you. 🌺
I don’t think he’s cheating tbh.

I did think that he's trying to push away and alienate the OP, so yes, fair to say an affair does need to be considered. Just as likely he's an a-hole though!

He's a rude and bullying arsehole. Is he depressed, is it a recent escalation (you say he's always shouted) or has he always been this way? It's now up to you if you are willing to tell him to change and be prepared to leave if he does not.

Well he should obviously retire or move sectors to a job that restores his self respect. He does a job he despises (fair enough, it sounds despicable) and so despises himself, the only way he can make himself feel better is to convince himself everyone else is despicable too.

If he won't start doing something satisfying and constructive wih his time, I think I would have to separate from him in your shoes.

I couldn't live with someone who hates himself and everyone around him, but won't address the obvious root of his misery.

@Sicario - currently I don’t know, if I’m honest.
But I wouldn’t leave until my children do.
Ive worked so hard to make them well rounded kids and am proud of this. They often tell me he’s grumpy due to stress or work and he can’t help it. I don’t want them to see it any other way.

last night every time I spoke, he did an over dramatic disapproving head shake. I ignored it and he did it out of sight of my kids.

@candycane222 - I hadn’t thought of it this way.
But yes, he does despise himself and everyone around him.

He still believes he hasn’t done or said anything wrong. He won’t even try and be accountable. Just replies with ‘so it’s my fault?!?!’

It's so sad that you have resigned yourself to this for the rest of your life.
Nothing to look forward to but more of the same and hoping you outlive him so you can have some happiness.

So he's a rude bullying asshole who spends his time trying to isolate you from other people.

He sounds so fucking grim.

Tell him to shape up or ship out.

He doesn't have to agree with you, you don't need to make him understand what he is like to live with. He has no interest in seeing your side of things. Maybe don't leave today or tomorrow, but start making plans. Do you really want him at home like this even single day once he retires?

He sounds a right wanker. Would you want your daughters married to someone like this?

Would he consider couples counselling?

I sympathise with work stess, it's horrific but if he's not willing to try and get help to save your marriage then what choice do you have but to leave.

What message are you giving your kids? Would you want them to be treated like this? You are modelling relationship expectations to your kids. By the sounds of it he's potentially mistreating your dog - could you at least insist that he stops yelling at the poor dog?

You sound like you have resigned yourself to this.

Everything he makes comments about like his dinner, being rude to people when you are out as a couple - I would no longer do with him.

You said you have friends, make arrangements to go out with them. Regards his dinners I would be filling the freezer with packet meals for him.

This would continue until he sees the error of his ways.

He sounds like a self entitled idiot.

Hmm lots of people are insecure and have low self esteem it's no excuse to be a shouty idiot.

It will affect your poor children for life having to endure this in their own home.

He sounds very very unhappy.
unfortunately he also wants to make the people around him, especially the OP, very unhappy too.
It could be that with support for his mental health, maybe stepping down a bit at work, he could get back to how he used to be.
But if he's not ready or willing to do so?

His body language tells you loud and clear that he has zero respect for you.

I would wager my last 50p that he doesn't view you as an autonomous person in your own right. You are merely a chattel - a humanoid domestic appliance that is there for his convenience. You are to do as you are told and not complain.

How old are your children?
(And is this really the example you want to set about what a marriage looks like?)

The issue is, he doesn’t see himself as a problem.
Ive asked before for him to come to counselling with me. He laughed and said ‘no fucking way!’ I’ve asked for him to go to counselling on his own. He’s refused again saying ‘I don’t need to talk to anyone thank you very much!’

Do yo want to stay with him? How can you bear to have sex when he's so horrible to you?

Stop cooking his dinner. He will complain whatever/however you serve him. If he questions why, you simply tell him that you're tired of him complaining about your cooking.

Don't go out with him; socialise on your own/with your own friends. If he questions why, you simply tell him that you're tired of him complaining about how you behave.

Keep going with your own exercise/leisure time. If he questions why, you simply tell him that it's your way to relax.

Isolating him is the only way to preserve your own sanity, if you aren't prepared to separate.

@Sicario - it really is the feeling of belittling that upsets me. The head shaking hurts so much but I ignore it. Also the whispering ‘fuck off’ and the sticking the v’s up to me. If I bring it up, he denies doing it. I’ve found in the past that if I react then he sees a crack that he penetrates more. Ignoring the behaviour seems to defuse it for a while so I’m taking that tact now. This also keeps me calmer

You're in an impossible situation with a stubborn man who refuses to believe that he is anything other than boss of your world. It's no way to live.

If you're expecting him to change his ways, you're on a hiding to nothing.

This will only change if YOU change it.

Your children already accept the excuse that he’s grumpy due to stress or work, instead of seeing the truth that he’s being verbally and emotionally abusive.

You don’t want them to see it any other way. You and your children don’t want to accept that he’s being verbally and emotionality abusive.

This isn’t healthy and it isn’t normal and you know that, but it’s hard to see just how bad it is when you’re in the middle of it.

Sounds like an absolute pillock.

Agree with @MrsCherryCrest regarding emotional abuse.