Dh won’t take accountability

[Marshmallowandcustard]

Dh and I seem to row a lot these days (been together 25yrs).

He is stressed as he hates work. (Think huge corporate job where he’s very high up the ladder). He comes home and doesn’t communicate other than by moaning about everything and everyone. Does nothing in the house. I dish up dinner and he always has something to say about it such as ‘ffs that’s too much on my plate’ or ‘it’s not my fave’ or ‘bit overdone/underdone/too much chilli’ blah blah. He then sits on sofa and falls asleep. When he wakes he starts snapping at me. This is consistent. Then he complains I’m not in the mood for sex when we go to bed.

Weekends are similar. But we have more awake time whereby he moans about everything, swears at the dog etc. I try and encourage him to go for a bike ride to clear his head or play golf. He always makes excuses as he says he cba. So I exercise alone.

We often go to the local pub for dinner or a drink with friends. Every time we go he complains how I’m too friendly to people and how he cba to talk to people. (He will literally blank people, leave them standing with their arm out to shake hands kind of thing). I don’t think I’m too friendly. I love conversation and I’m incredibly sociable.
When we come home, he then tells me someone (different each time) has been coming onto me and he’s not happy and he expects me not to put him in that position next time and therefore not speak to that man next time we see him!! We’ve always got our teens with us and I’ve never flirted and wouldn’t anyway.
I’ve got a lot of friends whom I adore and I know like me, although I still feel I lack confidence as don’t feel good enough for them.

This weekend he randomly told me I’m an embarrassment. I’ve no idea why other than apparently I’m overly friendly. This was said BEFORE going out with friends for lunch. All I can think is that he was making me feel conscious of how chatty I am in order to silence me before going out.

Ive become numb as just don’t know how to react. I don’t actually react, I ignore every negative comment but that’s now meaning there’s not much left to actually acknowledge.

He played golf yesterday and came home and made me a cuppa. He’s now told me he’s tried to ‘make up’ but feels I’m ignoring him. I’m not. I’m just ignoring the bad behaviour. Other than that I’m chatty.

AIBU to want accountability, not a cup of tea?

Hes text me from work today reiterating he’s tried. I’ve told him I need accountability and he’s refusing.

I don’t know what to do. He’s impossible to communicate with.

original 🙄

“Your children already accept the excuse that he’s grumpy due to stress or work, instead of seeing the truth that he’s being verbally and emotionally abusive.

You don’t want them to see it any other way. You and your children don’t want to accept that he’s being verbally and emotionality abusive.

This isn’t healthy and it isn’t normal and you know that, but it’s hard to see just how bad it is when you’re in the middle of it.”

This. It’s not a good thing that your DCs are learning to accept excuses for your DH’s mean behaviour. Do you want them to end up in similarly unhappy relationships? Because that’s what they’re learning.

You are literally grey rocking him!

Look after yourself all that chipping at your esteem can impact. Some counselling could help you get more clarity.

Also watch out in case he ups his game. I'd start preparing to leave now. (As in have a escape plan ready)

This man is a horrible bully. He taking his bad form out on you and just looking for any excuse possible to complain about what your doing or saying. Then he is giving dirty looks or making a facial expression to let you know that he is not happy.
My feeling is that he hates the fact that you are still outgoing and sociable when you go out. You are pleasant to people and meanwhile he is as rude as hell. Then your even chatting to another man he is saying that your flirting with him.

He comes home in the evening to a cooked dinner and he will find fault with it. The next time he does this pick up the plate and scrape into the bin. Tell him if your hungry you eat it.
I let him come home to no dinner for a few evenings and tell him he can get something out of the freezer as your going out to meet your friends.
My feeling is that your friends are glad to see you but think o god he is with her. Behind your back they are probably be saying how does she stay with him.

I would gather up all your financial details including his pension and go to a good divorce solicitor to see what your entitled to. I would not be staying with a man like him.
Your daughter's need to see that you won't put up with his behaviour and moods. You don't want them to end up with a man like him.

When he is finding fault with everything perhaps he find life easier living on his own, coming home to his ready meal for one and not having to deal with people.

Can you imagine what life will be like when he retires and you stuck with him all day? He be like your shadow finding fault. What happens if he gets into bad health and you end up caring for him? Don't leave yourself in this position.

It's all about control for him, he's found a way to get you and others to tiptoe around him so he gets his own way. He's a bully.

Bit of course because you're now ignoring him and carrying on normally he's changing tactics, he's now doing the wounded puppy routine, if that doesn't work I'd expect to see a nice version of him, then it'll swing back to the bully again. It's all designed to get you to do what HE wants, with no concern of thought for you or the dc. The work revolves around him.

As a pp said, do you want to retire with him, end up having to care for him, just the two of you with no dc? You only get one life, enjoy the one you've got you don't get to watch it again

I would knock the pub outings on the head. See your friends on your own.

He sounds an absolute nightmare.

I can't see how all the material trappings of this marriage could ever compensate for even a tiny part of the vileness of this man.

Retire with this guy? No thanks! How on earth could it not be horrific?

It's your life, you have choices and you are in control of how you want to live so no point me saying you wouldn't see me for dust if I had to spend even one day married to him!

AIBU to want accountability, not a cup of tea?

YABU not to want a divorce on the grounds of unreasonable arseholery, frankly.

You sound lovely, OP. You really don’t need to stay with him out of misplaced sympathy, thoughts of ‘the kids’ or anything else.

I would be at war with a man like this every time the DC aren’t around - for just long enough that it took me to get my plan in place and divorce him.

I would do what a pp suggested - he moans about the meal? Scrape it in the bin.

He does the sad face the day after being vile? He’d get both barrels.

I can see that that isn’t your style, OP. You’re doing well to grey rock him but it sounds as though he’s ramping it up. You’re going to need support if you decide to stay with him until the DC leave home.

Why on earth would you want your children to think that he's behaving like this because he's stressed at work, and furthermore that this is acceptable!? They will either learn to behave like he does themselves, or they will think that that's what they should tolerate in a partner.

Either way, they will live the way life has been modelled to them, and have relationships that are similar to yours. It's how you are showing them it should be.

If I were you I'd be wanting to show my children that abuse is completely unacceptable within a relationship, and that if they experience it they can leave. He treats you with utter contempt. You surely cannot want this for them?

Have you thought about saying “That’s enough with the controlling, manipulative bullshit. Drop the act right now.”