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Original poster

How would you interpret this?

142 replies

OldTedBear · 02/04/2024 07:48

I've been with my partner for around 3 years. We moved in together about 6 months ago. We're both older.

Since we got together, he, his adult children, one of his children's partner and I have gone to a 4 day festival together.

After we went last year, he said he didn't think he'd go again because something had changed the previous year and he wasn't as keen. I'd only been a few times, so didn't really notice the change.

Then, in November, he said that he was going to get his and his children's tickets when the Early Bird ones were released. It was the first time it had been mentioned since he'd said he wasn't going. He asked if I was going to go. I said I didn't know because, honestly, I'd not thought about it since we'd said we weren't going and so hadn't reconsidered. I was surprised hed changed his mind but wasn't against the idea. He just said he'd thought about it and probably would enjoy it when he was there. Fair enough.

Roll on a few weeks and he bought the tickets. He mentioned that he'd bought the tickets for his children for Christmas and that he'd got his but that was all. He didn't ask if I was going or talk about the festival at all. So I just left it rather than make a big deal about it when the conversation was about Christmas presents.

In late Jan, we went out for dinner with his children and they brought it up. One asked me if I was going and I said again that I didn't know. I hadn't bought a ticket at that point and he and I hadn't talked about it. She said she wanted me to go.

In Feb, I booked the time off work to go and told him but, by then, I had got the distinct impression that he didn't want me there. Mainly because in previous years, he's talked a lot from christmas onwards about the bands who were playing - checking for updates tp the line up etc, looking forward to it, discussing and planning for it etc and this year there's been nothing. It just feels a bit awkward, tbh.

2 weeks ago, he asked me out of the blue if I'd got my ticket yet. I said not yet and reminded him that I'd booked the time of work (there are still plenty of tickets available). But that was it. There was no further conversation - he just asked that and said nothing else. On reflection, it felt more like he was checking that I wasn't going than hoping that I was.

I can't explain but when you know someome well, you pick up on changes in tone, wording, nature of the conversation, enthusiasm etc. I think some people will think I should just get a ticket or I'm being difficult but the atmosphere around the whole thing is very different this year and it feels different. It feels like the elephant in the room.

Anyway. I had a bit of an epiphany over the weekend.

He can he very conflict avoidant. In some respects, this is great because who wants a confrontational partner? But, at the same time, it means that, when he has a problem with someone/something, he tends to just ignore it and hope the problem will go away/resolve itself rather than addressing it head on.

I realised over the weekend that this is what he is doing to me.

The festival is fast approaching and, by this time in previous years we'd made travel arrangements with his children, started to plan which bands we'd see, talked about which of our friends were also going and started to chat about who we hoped to bump into from previous years. Just general looking forward to it chat about stuff.

But this year, there's been nothing. I can't actually make a decision on buying a ticket until I actually know whether I'm welcome or not.

If he'd wanted the weekend with just his children, that would be fine and I'd understand but both of his children's partners are going this year so it won't be just a few days away with them alone anyway.

He doesn't want me to go, does he?

OP posts:
Seedpods · 02/04/2024 07:55

The mysterious thing for me here is why you haven’t mentioned anywhere in this lengthy post whether you want to go. It’s all about second-guessing him.

Do you want to go?

MiltonNorthern · 02/04/2024 07:58

Why don't you just ask him?

MMadness · 02/04/2024 07:58

Jesus wept. You're having conversations in your head that don't include him.

Just ask.

Original poster
OldTedBear · 02/04/2024 08:01

Seedpods · 02/04/2024 07:55

The mysterious thing for me here is why you haven’t mentioned anywhere in this lengthy post whether you want to go. It’s all about second-guessing him.

Do you want to go?

Tbh, I don't know.

I just feel stuck at the moment.

There's no point in me thinking about it, checking out the bands, getting excited etc if I'm not wanted because I won't go then and it would be pointless. It was something he'd done with his children for a couple of years before I joined them so it feels like 'their' thing anyway. Rather than 'ours'.

If his children just wanted to be on their own with him and he said that, I'd understand but it feels like it's coming from him rather than them.

OP posts:
Original poster
OldTedBear · 02/04/2024 08:04

MiltonNorthern · 02/04/2024 07:58

Why don't you just ask him?

I know I have to and have decided to this evening but this is why I wondered how others would interpret it first.

I did ask him before I booked the time off work. He and "yes" but it's not been mentioned since.

OP posts:
Longgallery · 02/04/2024 08:08

Did you previously buy tickets together or have you always each purchased your own ticket?
he’s relying on you being reluctant to bring the conversation up about the ticket because it makes HIM feel awkward
what about you in all of this?
it all sounds a bit snakey to me
if you want to go, get a ticket and have the best time regardless
when you get food or drinks, just sort yourself out and not him as well, you can guarantee he’ll soon have something to say about it
why rely on someone else for your happiness?

AliceOlive · 02/04/2024 08:08

I think you are right and he doesn’t want you to go.

Are you a people pleaser?

Original poster
OldTedBear · 02/04/2024 08:09

Just to add, he proposed at the beginning of March but nobody knows.

I say nobody, I've told a couple of colleagues (which surprised him when I told him) but our families and friends don't know.

He said he wanted to wait until we'd told the childen, which is fair enough, so I suggested we meet up with them all together for a meal or something to tell them and to ask when his kids were free - their work patterns are less regular than my children's so it's more difficult to pin them down. But he hasn't mentioned it to them.

So, so far, we've been supposedly engaged for a month but only two of my colleagues know about it.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 02/04/2024 08:09

I can't work out if you want to go either. He's probably in the same confusion. You seem indifferent to the festival itself, and tickets aren't cheap.

Why don't you decide, and buy a ticket - or not buy a ticket and choose to do something else? It would end all this agonising over it.

EmilyGilmoreenergy · 02/04/2024 08:10

Nobody on this thread can tell you the answer, you have to ask him.

Generally if your instinct is telling you he doesn't really want you there and you know he doesn't like confrontation and hopes things just go away, then you are most certainly right.

AliceOlive · 02/04/2024 08:11

How is everything else going since moving in together?

Original poster
OldTedBear · 02/04/2024 08:12

Longgallery · 02/04/2024 08:08

Did you previously buy tickets together or have you always each purchased your own ticket?
he’s relying on you being reluctant to bring the conversation up about the ticket because it makes HIM feel awkward
what about you in all of this?
it all sounds a bit snakey to me
if you want to go, get a ticket and have the best time regardless
when you get food or drinks, just sort yourself out and not him as well, you can guarantee he’ll soon have something to say about it
why rely on someone else for your happiness?

No, I get my own ticket and we pool resources/pay for ourselves once there as appropriate.

We don't spend the whole time together and he sees bands with his children don't want to see and spend time doing stuff on my own both because I need that space and to give him time with his children.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 02/04/2024 08:12

It HAS been mentioned since. Him and his kids have asked you and you keep saying you don't know.
I wonder if his version would be that you're being difficult, refusing to commit to coming in case you get a better offer, he's tried asking but you just put him off?

BelindaOkra · 02/04/2024 08:14

Just ask him.

Original poster
OldTedBear · 02/04/2024 08:16

AliceOlive · 02/04/2024 08:08

I think you are right and he doesn’t want you to go.

Are you a people pleaser?

No, I'm not and I'm pretty direct about stuff too. Feeling like I can't raise it is part of the problem. I'm not used to feeling like this.

And that's also what's ringing alarm bells.

I was a bit worried the first year about whether I was imposing on a weekend away with his children because he was very keen for me to go and I was unsure about how they felt but we've all got on great.

I've realised he's very good at shutting down conversations he's not comfortable having and I think that's what I'm expecting.

OP posts:
letstrythatagain · 02/04/2024 08:17

You may be overthinking it tbh although it sounds like your gut is telling you that something is off.

CinnabarRed · 02/04/2024 08:18

There's no point in me thinking about it, checking out the bands, getting excited etc if I'm not wanted because I won't go then and it would be pointless

Yes, but equally there’s no point in him talking to you about any of those things if he doesn’t know whether you’re going or not. You’re the one making this difficult. He and his children have asked you at least three times now if you’re going - that doesn’t sound like people who don’t want you there.

BunniesRUs · 02/04/2024 08:20

With not sharing the engagement and not wanting you to go to the festival, are you sure he actually wants to be with you? I'd find the communication style in your relationship very difficult to cope with.

DinnerNightmare · 02/04/2024 08:20

Have you considered that maybe he thinks you don't want to come and is therefore not pushing it? No point in talking to you about bands and plans if he thinks you're not coming. He has asked if you wanted to come, so have his kids and you've been very non-committal.

Original poster
OldTedBear · 02/04/2024 08:20

AliceOlive · 02/04/2024 08:11

How is everything else going since moving in together?

Really well tbh.

I struggled a bit to begin with because I've been on my own with my children since they were small and it was a huge transition for me! But he's been great and really understanding about that. We get on brilliantly.

That's also why this just feels very odd.

your instinct is telling you he doesn't really want you there and you know he doesn't like confrontation and hopes things just go away, then you are most certainly right.

That's what I'm thinking too. I just don't really know why.

OP posts:
itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 02/04/2024 08:21

From what you've posted I'd assume he doesn't want you to go and you have also come to that conclusion.
You haven't asked him about it maybe because you already know the answer and you don't want it confirmed.
Add into the mix that you've very recently got engaged and he's not announcing it, that's not good.
You need to have a serious conversation about both issues, don't just listen to his words/excuses listen to your instincts.
Do you think he still wants to be with you, deep down?
I hope everything works out for you

notanothernana · 02/04/2024 08:27

Ask him. Go, don't go. This really is a non-issue.

RandomMess · 02/04/2024 08:27

The questions to him are why doesn't he want you to go (because he doesn't) and why hasn't he told the DC about the engagement yet.

I would be thinking that now he's proposed he thinks it's enough and he can just do as he likes now.

Original poster
OldTedBear · 02/04/2024 08:31

Thanks for the replies.

I can really understand what people are saying about me being non committal and it looking like I don't want to go. But I only feel like that because I wasn't expecting him to change his mind. I didn't feel included from the outset and havent dje at any point since. It was a real in passing Christmas present conversation when it was first mentioned.

When his children asked if I were going and said I should, he was very quiet.

When he asked afterwards if I'd bought a ticket, it was a very brief question and just felt off. He's usually very enthusiastic about wanting me there if I'm genuinely included in something.

I can also see why he might not be mentioning it if he thinks I'm not keen. But he also knows I've booked the time off work.

As has been said, the tickets aren't cheap. I've no problem paying for it or affording it etc. But equally wouldn't want to spend the money if I just felt like an unwelcome spare part. I wouldn't enjoy that.

It's just the fact he hasn't shared any of the plans or chats with me. He will be discussing it with his children by now and he's not even mentioned it. If he does stuff with his children, he tells me about it, talks about the planning for it, talks about what they're looking forward to etc. You know, just general chit chat about stuff you're doing and looking forward to.

They go to gigs and stuff together so it's a normal part of our conversation. So it's really obvious that this is completely absent from everything.

I suppose when his chidren asked, that felt like a genuine enquiry but his didn't.

I don't know. It is just a gut feeling that something is 'off'.

OP posts:
Longgallery · 02/04/2024 08:34

OldTedBear · 02/04/2024 08:12

No, I get my own ticket and we pool resources/pay for ourselves once there as appropriate.

We don't spend the whole time together and he sees bands with his children don't want to see and spend time doing stuff on my own both because I need that space and to give him time with his children.

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