How would you interpret this?

[OldTedBear]

I've been with my partner for around 3 years. We moved in together about 6 months ago. We're both older.

Since we got together, he, his adult children, one of his children's partner and I have gone to a 4 day festival together.

After we went last year, he said he didn't think he'd go again because something had changed the previous year and he wasn't as keen. I'd only been a few times, so didn't really notice the change.

Then, in November, he said that he was going to get his and his children's tickets when the Early Bird ones were released. It was the first time it had been mentioned since he'd said he wasn't going. He asked if I was going to go. I said I didn't know because, honestly, I'd not thought about it since we'd said we weren't going and so hadn't reconsidered. I was surprised hed changed his mind but wasn't against the idea. He just said he'd thought about it and probably would enjoy it when he was there. Fair enough.

Roll on a few weeks and he bought the tickets. He mentioned that he'd bought the tickets for his children for Christmas and that he'd got his but that was all. He didn't ask if I was going or talk about the festival at all. So I just left it rather than make a big deal about it when the conversation was about Christmas presents.

In late Jan, we went out for dinner with his children and they brought it up. One asked me if I was going and I said again that I didn't know. I hadn't bought a ticket at that point and he and I hadn't talked about it. She said she wanted me to go.

In Feb, I booked the time off work to go and told him but, by then, I had got the distinct impression that he didn't want me there. Mainly because in previous years, he's talked a lot from christmas onwards about the bands who were playing - checking for updates tp the line up etc, looking forward to it, discussing and planning for it etc and this year there's been nothing. It just feels a bit awkward, tbh.

2 weeks ago, he asked me out of the blue if I'd got my ticket yet. I said not yet and reminded him that I'd booked the time of work (there are still plenty of tickets available). But that was it. There was no further conversation - he just asked that and said nothing else. On reflection, it felt more like he was checking that I wasn't going than hoping that I was.

I can't explain but when you know someome well, you pick up on changes in tone, wording, nature of the conversation, enthusiasm etc. I think some people will think I should just get a ticket or I'm being difficult but the atmosphere around the whole thing is very different this year and it feels different. It feels like the elephant in the room.

Anyway. I had a bit of an epiphany over the weekend.

He can he very conflict avoidant. In some respects, this is great because who wants a confrontational partner? But, at the same time, it means that, when he has a problem with someone/something, he tends to just ignore it and hope the problem will go away/resolve itself rather than addressing it head on.

I realised over the weekend that this is what he is doing to me.

The festival is fast approaching and, by this time in previous years we'd made travel arrangements with his children, started to plan which bands we'd see, talked about which of our friends were also going and started to chat about who we hoped to bump into from previous years. Just general looking forward to it chat about stuff.

But this year, there's been nothing. I can't actually make a decision on buying a ticket until I actually know whether I'm welcome or not.

If he'd wanted the weekend with just his children, that would be fine and I'd understand but both of his children's partners are going this year so it won't be just a few days away with them alone anyway.

He doesn't want me to go, does he?

I interpret his actions as being a way of distancing you. He doesn't want you there with him and his DC.

Stated he didn't want to go to the event next year.
went ahead and booked tickets for the event without telling you
let you know he'd booked and then after the fact asked if you were going. What?? Did he miss the part where he clearly stated he wasn't going then went ahead and booked.

bigger picture, do you think he wants to break up, this action sounds like a precursor to a split.

if he's avoidant, he'll do all sorts of stunts like this, death by a thousand cuts and make it intolerable for you to stay together.

if the house is solely his, in his name, I'd consider if any of the above is true and open the conversation to see how accurate it is.

be prepared for denial and gaslighting, him saying it's all in your imagination. Because he's avoidant, aka a coward, unable to face up to decisions he has made.

It could be that he is being a bit unsure about it - but that could also be influenced by him thinking you’re not too sure either. He could be worried that you don’t really want to go but are feeling obliged to. Or you could be overthinking it. But basically, you won’t really know unless you talk to him about it.

Or you could just take what he’s said at face value, book a ticket and just decide to enjoy it and not try to second guess. I’m sure it would end up being great, and as you say, you’re not constantly with each other all the time, and you can switch up all the dynamics a bit and enjoy having time with him, time all together, time with his children and partners, and time to yourself! Then if it is him overthinking it, hopefully he’ll have a great time too and next year will all be much less cryptic.

Trust your gut on this.

The communication style sounds very difficult but you know him, trust your gut.

You could frame it that you've been a few times and thought it would be nice for him to go this time with just his kids.

Hopefully he will miss you being there and want you to go next year.

Not telling people about your engagement is odd, as is being surprised that you told a couple of people. Who instigated getting engaged, was he enthusiastic about that?

How dismissive! It might be a non-issue to you, but you're not the one being excluded in a relationship. It most certainly isn't a non-issue, it's hurtful and damaging to trust.

On a completely different note, this is making me really want to book a festival ;)

itsgoingtobeabumpyride

I agree with everything you've said tbh.

Except for not wanting it conformed. I don't know if it's the confirmation I don't want or the awkward conversation I'm avoiding!

RandomMess

Yes, I wondered that about the proposing. Not so much the 'he can do want he likes' part because this festival nonsense predates that but more that we've been together for three years and it was something to tick off the list but not something he really wants.

He says he does. But something feels off.

As for not wanting le to go because he doesn't, I know. It's the reason behind it that is more of a concern to me. And the lack of transparency.

If he wants the weekend to spend some quality time with his children/their partners, then fine! But why not just say that?

If it's because he actively doesn't want me there because he thinks he'd have a better time without me or whatever, that's up to him but then why propose?

Just feels off.

Classic case of overthinking -v- gut instinct. I'm an overthinker but I also trust my gut. No help at all!

What I would comment on is that this is the first time back at this festival since you moved in. Though I don't know why that would change anything, perhaps it's just coincidence.

The non-announcement of the engagement is weird. Why the silence from him? And are you comfortable with this?

Marriage is massively about communicating...and at the moment, you're not. Stop second guessing and just ask the questions outright.

I would be saying to him " look I need to talk to you about the festival / I get the feeling you don't want me to go or would rather go on your own with the kids?" You are wasting your time if you don't.

How much time did you actually go off and spend on your own? I think id be a little surprised if we all went to a festival together and my partner did that and I'd wonder if they were actually enjoying themselves with us, if they were even enjoying the festival or just coming because they felt a sense of obligation too. I'd also feel it would put a bit of a dampner on it because instead of enjoying myself id be wondering if they were okay.

Maybe he feels the same and thinks you don't actually enjoy it and just going themselves would be more enjoyable than wondering if you're actually enjoying yourself with them/the festival?

Something is definitely going on. Well done for picking up on it. Is there anyone in particular who usually goes, apart from his children, that you need to be wary of?

Thank you.

He did tell me that he was booking the tickets beforehand but only in passing when we were chatting about Christmas presents for the children because he'd discussed going with them. Not because he'd brought it up with me to discuss us going.

I said, "Oh, I didn't think you wanted to go again?" He said, "I didn't but the children still want to go and I'll enjoy it when I get there. Are you going?"

To which I said I hadn't thought about it since we'd said we weren't going so I didn't know.

His kids asked me in January and I felt a bit put on the spot because it hadn't been mentioned again between us. He said, "Yeah, you should come," but it wasn't very enthusiastic and I felt like he'd only said it because the childen were there. It wasn't mentioned again.

I told him in Feb I'd booked the time off work and he didn't really say anything.

Then he asked if I'd got ticket a couple of weeks ago but it felt more like he was checking I hadn't to make plans with his children rather than asking because he wanted me there.

I know it sounds like I'm being difficult but he's usually really enthusiastic about wanting me to go to things with him so it's very out of character.

You should! 😁

I guess one difference is that you live together now so time apart becomes more of a wanted thing? My bf is also avoidant- he sometimes decides stuff in his head, but isnt clear about it as he gets conflicted that he wants to do something without me but doesn’t want to upset me. I don’t actually get upset- doing stuff independently is necessary and fine - but the trying to work out what he really wants is exhausting. This might also apply to the engagement- he’s worried his kids or others will have an opinion. Just flipping tell me and we can move on! Think you need to decide either to go or possibly take a friend and go with them if you want to go. He doesn’t own the festival if you fancy it.

Hope it’s not a derail but I can see where you’re coming from in terms of the flip side of someone non confrontational.
I’m in a newish relationship (5 months) with someone really lovely and more similar to me than my exh in terms of avoiding conflict and difficult conversations (I’m trying very hard to be better with this). New bf is so nice and so polite and so keen to do the right thing that the problem is I don’t have confidence that he would tell me straight if he didn’t want me to come somewhere, didn’t feel like chatting/texting because he was tired, or something wasn’t working for him. So then my mind starts worrying about what he might be really thinking but not saying and I can get in my own head about it a bit.
I have talked to him about it though and we are both trying to learn to be more open.

Always28

I know why you're saying all that. My confidence in it all has just been a bit rocked by it though. I don't think I'd be able to shake the thought that I was imposing where I wasn't wanted tbh.

Not telling people about your engagement is odd, as is being surprised that you told a couple of people. Who instigated getting engaged, was he enthusiastic about that?

He's mentioned marriage a few times. Said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Is very vocal.about how much he loves me. Doesn't shy away from other people knowing that.

He proposed on 1st March, joking that he was a bit disappointed I'd not taken advantage of 29th Feb so he'd have to do it.

Definitely driven by him.

I know. This just feels very contradictory and that feels off.

Thanks. Sounds so obvious! But I was really uncertain how to bring it up!

In some respects, he's very open emotionally and woth communication but I'm seeing that this is really limited to positive things. I think he finds difficult conversations, well, difficult. I guess he's not alone in that.

Two things more:
Is it Glastonbury, and is it now sold out?
Could he be wanting to use the time away with the kids to talk to them about engagement/marriage??

Maybe a non-issue to you
it’s clearly causing upset and confusion to this lady
As it’s a non issue for you then don’t bother replying at all

None of this is about a music festival, it's about the fact he proposed and is now not telling anyone about it. It's about the fact he's surprised you told two co-workers you are engaged. Most newly engaged couples are thrilled to tell others, even the shy introvert types will share with family and friends but this bloke won't. I would be using my time booked off for the festival to pack up my stuff to be honest. He's very half hearted and I would be surprised if the proposal ended in a wedding.

That's a fair comment.

I need a bit more time on my own than he does. So I'm happy to wander around on my own or see a band on my own. We always arranged to meet up though in an hour or so.

Besides, I want him to have time with his children without me there. I think that's important. As the adult child of divorced parents, I had one who balanced time well and the other who insisted their partner was there all the time. I had a better relationship with the former than the latter.

I tend to go back earlier at night than he does because he stays out with his children in the tent that's open till 3 whereas I've had enough by midnight! But that's fine. No one has a problem with that.

I wouldn't say specifically no.

But the first year I went, I couldn't get the time off work so only went for the last 2 days.

It sounded like he'd had more 'fun' when I wasn't there - chatting to/joining other people etc, which didn't really happen when I was there because we were together. We did still talk to people obviously but I'm not daft, I know the dynamic changes.

It's made me wonder whether he realises he'll spend less time with his children because both of their partners will be there this year, and he wants that aspect back.

I think this is probably pretty accurate of him too.

But this isn’t difficult! He wasn’t keen about going again, but decided to, as his children wanted to, and you’re not that bothered either way about the festival itself, apart from the fact he’s not communicating! If he’s making this much heavy weather about a festival, what is he going to be like about genuinely difficult stuff?