How would you interpret this?

[OldTedBear]

I've been with my partner for around 3 years. We moved in together about 6 months ago. We're both older.

Since we got together, he, his adult children, one of his children's partner and I have gone to a 4 day festival together.

After we went last year, he said he didn't think he'd go again because something had changed the previous year and he wasn't as keen. I'd only been a few times, so didn't really notice the change.

Then, in November, he said that he was going to get his and his children's tickets when the Early Bird ones were released. It was the first time it had been mentioned since he'd said he wasn't going. He asked if I was going to go. I said I didn't know because, honestly, I'd not thought about it since we'd said we weren't going and so hadn't reconsidered. I was surprised hed changed his mind but wasn't against the idea. He just said he'd thought about it and probably would enjoy it when he was there. Fair enough.

Roll on a few weeks and he bought the tickets. He mentioned that he'd bought the tickets for his children for Christmas and that he'd got his but that was all. He didn't ask if I was going or talk about the festival at all. So I just left it rather than make a big deal about it when the conversation was about Christmas presents.

In late Jan, we went out for dinner with his children and they brought it up. One asked me if I was going and I said again that I didn't know. I hadn't bought a ticket at that point and he and I hadn't talked about it. She said she wanted me to go.

In Feb, I booked the time off work to go and told him but, by then, I had got the distinct impression that he didn't want me there. Mainly because in previous years, he's talked a lot from christmas onwards about the bands who were playing - checking for updates tp the line up etc, looking forward to it, discussing and planning for it etc and this year there's been nothing. It just feels a bit awkward, tbh.

2 weeks ago, he asked me out of the blue if I'd got my ticket yet. I said not yet and reminded him that I'd booked the time of work (there are still plenty of tickets available). But that was it. There was no further conversation - he just asked that and said nothing else. On reflection, it felt more like he was checking that I wasn't going than hoping that I was.

I can't explain but when you know someome well, you pick up on changes in tone, wording, nature of the conversation, enthusiasm etc. I think some people will think I should just get a ticket or I'm being difficult but the atmosphere around the whole thing is very different this year and it feels different. It feels like the elephant in the room.

Anyway. I had a bit of an epiphany over the weekend.

He can he very conflict avoidant. In some respects, this is great because who wants a confrontational partner? But, at the same time, it means that, when he has a problem with someone/something, he tends to just ignore it and hope the problem will go away/resolve itself rather than addressing it head on.

I realised over the weekend that this is what he is doing to me.

The festival is fast approaching and, by this time in previous years we'd made travel arrangements with his children, started to plan which bands we'd see, talked about which of our friends were also going and started to chat about who we hoped to bump into from previous years. Just general looking forward to it chat about stuff.

But this year, there's been nothing. I can't actually make a decision on buying a ticket until I actually know whether I'm welcome or not.

If he'd wanted the weekend with just his children, that would be fine and I'd understand but both of his children's partners are going this year so it won't be just a few days away with them alone anyway.

He doesn't want me to go, does he?

New bf is so nice and so polite and so keen to do the right thing that the problem is I don’t have confidence that he would tell me straight if he didn’t want me to come somewhere, didn’t feel like chatting/texting because he was tired, or something wasn’t working for him

This is how I feel.

No, it not and it's not sold.out either. Not yet anyway!

I don't think it's that because he wants us to tell all the childen together.

He's conflict avoidant? You've been worrying about this since November, been overthinking it to the extreme and having conversations about it in your head that don't include him or his input for months and he's the one who is conflict avoidant?

You've been together three years, you live together, you need to be better at communicating than this. He's not psychic, he's not to know you've been fretting about this for nearly six months, he very well may just not be as excited about it as usual. Or the fact that you haven't mentioned it or booked a ticket might have him worried that you don't want to go and are hoping he'll forget about it!

You're adults. Talk to him. Ask him if he wants you to go or would rather have the time just him and his kids.

Your instincts are right, if he wanted you to come along he would have bought the tickets for you when he bought his. I think that he's quite aware that he'll be spending less time with his AC as they both have partners this year. It means he'll have time doing what he wants. Personally I'd challenge him over it and yes, I do think that it's a bit deal.

The festival stuff predates the proposal by several months and it's bothered me from the start.

But keeping the engagement a secret is bothering me, yes.

Is there anything he might want to do at the festival, which he thinks would not go down well with you? Drugs, etc? What was it that he thought had ‘changed’, when he said he might not go again?
I find ‘non-confrontational’ people very difficult (dh is a bit like this) because if something feels ’off’, I worry away at it like a dog with a bone until I get an answer! Sometimes I’m right. Sometimes, I admit, I’ve overthought it! I would be feeling the same as you, though, and wondering what had changed.

If I'm honest, I think the children is a red herring.

I don't think he wants me there.

His children and their partners are all in their 20s and drive. They'd be quite capable of going without him.

I'd be more concerned that he proposed over a month ago and it's still a secret. That's weird.

If I were his kids, at 20 yo+, the last person I'd want at a festival would be my dad

I'd have bought own ticket anyway but I agree with everything else you've said tbh.

That's what's playing on my mind.

I think I need to ask him outright and also tell him what it looks like to me. And then rethink the whole thing if he won't be completely open.

From experience, he will have the conversation if pushed but it's just awkward and uncomfortable and, as a pp said, feels cowardly.

I don't think the festival itself is significant. It's absolutely fine for him to want to spend time with his kids without you there, even if they invite their partners (which he has no control over). It's also fine for him to not want you there because he needs some downtime separate to the relationship. All very normal and not a problem.

The problem is that neither of you have adequate communication skills to make a long-term committed relationship work. He can't have a simple discussion to express what he wants and you can't just ask him what's going on. If you can't manage to communicate over a festival, how on earth will you navigate the actual problems and complications that life throws your way? To be very frank, you're nowhere near a place where you should be thinking about marriage. It sounds like you both have a lot of work to do to lay the foundations for that first.

Thank you.

No, he's very much against drugs. So not that. He drinks a fair bit when he's there but it's a festival - everyone does. And it's not something that bothers me so not that.

I think it's probably just spending time with new people, people he doesn’t know, chatting to people and having more fun than he has with me. I don't mind that but he's a more social creature than I am so finds it easier to do and easier to sustain for longer. I'm the sort who'll have a brief chat at the bar or in a field with someone and move on whilst he's the sort who'll find himself invited to join a group!

His ex partner never went with him because she hated festivals and camping. Us being able to camp and do festivals together was something he was really excited about when we got together.

I just think the reality isn't how he imagined it to be and he finds me being there restrictive even though, as a person, I'm not. If that makes sense?

It is...

I know! 😁

But they're really close and have similar tastes in music etc. He's very live and let live with them. Not a micromanaging parent at all. They get on well.

Maybe you should say all this when you talk to him. It might make it easier if you've already guessed the problem!

Personally, I would not go and tell him I think he'll have a better time without me. Not to be self-pitying, but possibly because I'm conflict avoidant myself!

Tbh, I don't disagree with that.

From my perspective, I left a controlling marriage a very long time ago and have been single pretty much ever since. Just adapting to another person and communicating in a relationship generally again has been hard at times for me.

I'm a lot more direct in my communications usually. It's the fact I don't feel that I can be that is causing me some distress.

There have been a couple of things I've raised before because people are different and have different expectations, boundaries etc. And that's fine but he's been reluctant to talk openly, which is my preference, and I've come away having to have the same conversation two or three times before it's actually been addressed or resolved because he'd rather ignore things and hope they go away. or shut it down with an "Everything's fine," when i know it isn't.

I'm not perfect and yet he has never criticised me for anything even when I'm clearly in the wrong, being lazy etc he's never put a boundary in place with me about anything.

I assumed to begin with that this was because I'm perfect (obviously!) and never put a foot wrong and I didn't ever piss him off but I'm only human. I must do! But he says nothing.

For all I know, he's a seething mass of resentment as far as I'm concerned.

I now realise I've adopted his pattern of avoiding difficult conversations because, when pushed, he'll have them but it's uncomfortable.

Thank you. I think I will.

It's been helpful just processing my thoughts and getting to the root of why I think he doesn't want me there.

I'd settled on 'because he'd have more dun without me' but hadn't really been able to verbalise why I thought that and, without that, it would have sounded self pitying.

I think if I put it that bluntly amd plainly, he'll (hopefully) find ot easier to be open about it.

It's always easier to just agree with stone who has hit the nail on the head than verbalise it yourself.

Other people’s discomfort is not a disaster, and if you take a policy that avoiding other people’s discomfort needs to be your priority, that really doesn’t work for your own peace of mind.

if I were you, I'd try and develop your own social activities a bit more, so you aren't relying on him quite so much. It does sound very intense.

Then you can each enjoy expressing yourselves in your own independent ways. It could take the pressure off.

I think the point where he bought " his ticket" would have been the end for me. My ex husband bought himself a Rugby World Cup tour without talking to me about it. That was the end. Partners don't do this without talking to each other. Now I'm wondering if the proposal is to take your mind away from this. Do not put up either a man who will not discuss things. Life is SO much easier when you do.

I’m confused by the hybrid approach of “Are you going” on his end to your “Not sure if we are going”.

If he wasn’t going at all would you consider it? It’s just rather odd even with friends to be so unclear about an activity.

We do do things separately. This is a once a year event so not intense.

We both have separate hobbies and friends as well as doing stuff together.

Well we're not joined at the hip but maybe there's something in the phrasing that was odd?

Are you coming? Might have felt more inclusive than "Are you going?" but that's just a point of semantics.

I probably wouldn't go this year on my own due to not being really wowed by the bands but I have done festivals before on my own. But I would go just for the fun aspect, camping, atmosphere, spending time together, shared experience and all that. Being able to talk about it afterwards etc.

It does feel unclear. I feel like I've been excluded from it at every stage.

We're not married, though. We don't share finances and he buys his kids tickets. I wouldn't feel comfortable with him buying mine too!

They're expensive, and the price has gone up quite a bit this year.

Your comment about the proposal is food for thought though and I'd probably have come to a similar conclusion myself eventually.

I just feel.like I've been mulling it all over this weekend amd a few things have started falling into place.

Maybe I am wrong and massively overthinking it but, either way, the facts remain.

Even if not paying together the language and execution is odd. Easy enough for one person to buy the tickets and the other to transfer the cost.

What would stop you from starting the conversation today?

“We haven’t talked about the festival and I wondered if you might rather I sit this one out?”