How would you interpret this?

[OldTedBear]

I've been with my partner for around 3 years. We moved in together about 6 months ago. We're both older.

Since we got together, he, his adult children, one of his children's partner and I have gone to a 4 day festival together.

After we went last year, he said he didn't think he'd go again because something had changed the previous year and he wasn't as keen. I'd only been a few times, so didn't really notice the change.

Then, in November, he said that he was going to get his and his children's tickets when the Early Bird ones were released. It was the first time it had been mentioned since he'd said he wasn't going. He asked if I was going to go. I said I didn't know because, honestly, I'd not thought about it since we'd said we weren't going and so hadn't reconsidered. I was surprised hed changed his mind but wasn't against the idea. He just said he'd thought about it and probably would enjoy it when he was there. Fair enough.

Roll on a few weeks and he bought the tickets. He mentioned that he'd bought the tickets for his children for Christmas and that he'd got his but that was all. He didn't ask if I was going or talk about the festival at all. So I just left it rather than make a big deal about it when the conversation was about Christmas presents.

In late Jan, we went out for dinner with his children and they brought it up. One asked me if I was going and I said again that I didn't know. I hadn't bought a ticket at that point and he and I hadn't talked about it. She said she wanted me to go.

In Feb, I booked the time off work to go and told him but, by then, I had got the distinct impression that he didn't want me there. Mainly because in previous years, he's talked a lot from christmas onwards about the bands who were playing - checking for updates tp the line up etc, looking forward to it, discussing and planning for it etc and this year there's been nothing. It just feels a bit awkward, tbh.

2 weeks ago, he asked me out of the blue if I'd got my ticket yet. I said not yet and reminded him that I'd booked the time of work (there are still plenty of tickets available). But that was it. There was no further conversation - he just asked that and said nothing else. On reflection, it felt more like he was checking that I wasn't going than hoping that I was.

I can't explain but when you know someome well, you pick up on changes in tone, wording, nature of the conversation, enthusiasm etc. I think some people will think I should just get a ticket or I'm being difficult but the atmosphere around the whole thing is very different this year and it feels different. It feels like the elephant in the room.

Anyway. I had a bit of an epiphany over the weekend.

He can he very conflict avoidant. In some respects, this is great because who wants a confrontational partner? But, at the same time, it means that, when he has a problem with someone/something, he tends to just ignore it and hope the problem will go away/resolve itself rather than addressing it head on.

I realised over the weekend that this is what he is doing to me.

The festival is fast approaching and, by this time in previous years we'd made travel arrangements with his children, started to plan which bands we'd see, talked about which of our friends were also going and started to chat about who we hoped to bump into from previous years. Just general looking forward to it chat about stuff.

But this year, there's been nothing. I can't actually make a decision on buying a ticket until I actually know whether I'm welcome or not.

If he'd wanted the weekend with just his children, that would be fine and I'd understand but both of his children's partners are going this year so it won't be just a few days away with them alone anyway.

He doesn't want me to go, does he?

I’m wondering if he thinks being at the festival with a partner is what changed the vibe, and why he said ‘something had changed’. Perhaps his earlier view of not going again at all has changed into thinking that not going without you is the answer.

Perhaps when he went solo he was a fall down drunk and sleep in a field festival goer. Do you think he thinks you cramp his style?

Im not suggesting you are doing anything wrong OP. It’s just you said he’s been going to this for years and you have only gone a few times.

I only offer this solution to try and solve the conundrum of why he would be proposing marriage and yet not be wanting you to attend the festival.

I understand you being ambivalent about going if you don’t think he wants you. Maybe he wants you to have the enthusiasm of a true obsessive?

Sometimes in a relationship it’s about working out the things you like doing together or prefer doing solo. However, it always needs to be a joint decision.

I don’t know him or you so I can’t comment if he is being unreasonable and ultra picky. I don’t blame you for being hurt by this.

Thank you.

Re: your first two paragraphs, yes, that is essentially what I think the issue is. I don't think it's what he was referring to when he said it had changed because there was something quite specific about the festival he mentioned. But that doesn't mean it didn't contribute to the feeling subconsciously.

I think he's probably subsequently realised that I am cramping his style and that was the exact phrase I had in my head after my last post.

It does need to be a joint decision. If he was honest about his reasoning, whatever it was, then I could at least have some trust and faith in what he says but my feeling about this is starting to creep into other areas now and I find myself occasionally wondering what he really thinks/feels/wants.

I don't think my enthusiasm for it (previously anyway) has been an issue.

I've started to wonder if he thinks he'd have more fun with strangers, is embarrassed by/to be seen with me, doesn't think I'm good enough company...

Yes, I completely get that and I would probably feel the same too. It’s also very different when it’s you and your relationship than when you’re listening to somebody else’s situation and giving opinions!

OK. I've had a bit of a think.

I'm going to message him before he leaves work, tell him where I am and ask him to join me.

I'll get all the," How's your day been?" stuff out of the way and then tell him I want to talk about the festival.

I'm going to tell him that it's clear to me that I've been excluded from it this year. That he hasn't said as much but that his actions - not talking about it; not including me in the discussion/decision to go after saying he wasn't; not mentioning anything about it since - are very clear.

I'm anticipating him saying at this point that of course I'm invited and of course I'm welcome to go, which will be his avoidance and trying to shut down the conversation.

At which point I will tell him all the things that have/haven't been said/done that make it look like that.

I'll also tell him why I think that is the case. Remind him of.the first year when I arrived later and how his experience was so different once I was there. And the fact that he's spent the whole weekend with me since and not had any of these 'getting invited to join a load of strangers' talking bollocks experiences.

I'll say that, with both his children's partners going this year, he'll likely spend less time with them (in previous years, we saw less of the one whose partner went but the one whose partner didn't spent a lot of time with us) and I think he'd rather experience the freedom of being unencumbered for the weekend - doing what he wants, when he wants and talking to who he wants when he wants without me 'cramping his style'.

I know him well enough to know that he's likely to start being more open at this point. Either because I'm right and he'll feel a sense of relief or because I'm barking up completely the wrong tree and he wants to put me straight.

It means that things can be 'thrashed out' a bit because it must be uncomfortable for him at the moment too. He must know that the conversation will have to happen at some point.

After that, I'll have to just see how it plays out.

Thank you. I just feel a bit vulnerable having the conversation at all tbh. It shouldn't be necessary!

If I could trust that I wouldn't have to eke the truth out of him, that would also make it easier.

The way I feel at the moment, I'm not sure I'd trust him even if he said he did actually want me there and was giving me space because he thought I wasn't bothered. Because that still wouldn't explain why he hasn't shared his excitement or plans because that's what he's like usually. It's normal to talk about stuff that you're doing even if the other person isn't involved. We both do that.

And it still wouldn't explain why he hasn't said something like, "I hope you do come. I really want you to be there," because that's also the sort of thing he'd normally do. He's normally really enthusiastic when we do stuff together.

Hi OP,

I'm glad you're going to talk to him. Something is definitely up and if you're talking marriage there will be more to come so best you to figure out how to handle these things.

I would suggest you broach the subject of confusion around Comms instead of the festival itself.

"Hey so we clearly need to talk. I'm feeling kinda down about what's been happening between us recently. You asked me to marry you, I said yes and I love you but if we go ahead with this then we need to be able to talk. You need to be honest with about stuff and not dodging topics leaving me feeling unsure of things... What am I talking about... Well two specific things... 1) the secret engagement and 2) the festival you don't appear to want me to join you for yet won't just be upfront and also tell me why. It's not fair to leave me wondering what is happening. You need to talk to me. "

Great advice @Ohnodontwantthiscrush

Yeah, addressing the communication in general is probably be a good point.

It's going to be the way he's learned to be for some reason but it doesn't work with me.

Thanks.

It's like sex, without enthusiastic consent/invitation, you don't go there.

It's a rule for life in general really.

Thank you! Yep, that sums it up well.

I think he'll get it too if I put I like that.

This

You are waaaaay over analysing this situation 😂 Just ask him.

If only the people saying "just ask him" read the whole thread...

I’m a great believer that if something feels off then it is.

If he can’t articulate what he’s feeling, you are going to be second guessing yourself all through your marriage.

That is if anyone is allowed to know when you do get married….

He should be singing like a linty about your engagement - as should you. How not? I don’t buy the wait to tell the children. They are adults. Not children.

You need to think on a bit here flower.

I've read all your posts and I think this really is the crux of it. The discussion could get sidetracked by the festival and (while you might get a definitive answer on whether or not you should go) he will miss the point that it's now he handled the situation.

It's really not very nice to leave you second guessing yourself. I've felt similarly, not with my partner but a friend and it's an awful way to feel. Knock it on the head now.

The discussion could get sidetracked by the festival and (while you might get a definitive answer on whether or not you should go) he will miss the point that it's now he handled the situation.

Yes. I've reflected on your previous post more than any of the others and I completely agree with you.

I've decided to open with something similar to what you suggested saying that the communication is the issue for me.

He's not actively dishonest, I don’t think! But this type of avoidance and ignoring things is dishonest. It means I eventually won't know whether I can trust him at all.

I'm very much a 'take people at face value until you have reason not to' person and now feel that I have a reason not to.

I'm not going to accuse him of lying but I will point out that there is a lack of openness and transparency that, for me, is just as damaging.

And, no, it's not nice to be left second guessing.

I shall make this point to him too.

I thought telling the children together was a nice idea. But now it just feels like another avoidance tactic.

OK, so why don't you say to him "about this festival Bob - would you prefer that time alone with your kids? It's fine if you do, I'm just swithering about whether to come or not"

That way you're most likely to get an honest reply.

Because I think the lack of communication is the real issue and I want to address that too tbh.

I don't want him to think that I'm just insecure or looking for reassurance but that I don't actually have a clue and he's created that.

The matter of the secret engagement also needs to be discussed.

Also if you're not that fussed either way, have a think about other ways you might like to spend the day and decide on that basis what you'd rather do. So it's about what you want, not just about what he might or might not want.

And (though this is not the purpose of doing what you want), doing something else (if you so choose) has the side benefit of showing that he's not your whole world and you've got your own stuff going on.

Yes the secret engagement thing is tedious. Beware men who make such things more difficult than they should be.

BTW (and genuine q, not meant to offend), are you usually prone to over-thinking or only since being with him?

I’d feel very hurt if he bought tickets for himself and the children and not me. You’re either going as a group ie together or not. Expecting you to buy your own ticket,is of course, making you feel like you’re just tagging along.

And not announcing your engagement is strange. It is not up to you to fall in with him OP. You can announce it yourself. He’s had more than enough time and he has chosen not to use it.