How would you interpret this?

[OldTedBear]

I've been with my partner for around 3 years. We moved in together about 6 months ago. We're both older.

Since we got together, he, his adult children, one of his children's partner and I have gone to a 4 day festival together.

After we went last year, he said he didn't think he'd go again because something had changed the previous year and he wasn't as keen. I'd only been a few times, so didn't really notice the change.

Then, in November, he said that he was going to get his and his children's tickets when the Early Bird ones were released. It was the first time it had been mentioned since he'd said he wasn't going. He asked if I was going to go. I said I didn't know because, honestly, I'd not thought about it since we'd said we weren't going and so hadn't reconsidered. I was surprised hed changed his mind but wasn't against the idea. He just said he'd thought about it and probably would enjoy it when he was there. Fair enough.

Roll on a few weeks and he bought the tickets. He mentioned that he'd bought the tickets for his children for Christmas and that he'd got his but that was all. He didn't ask if I was going or talk about the festival at all. So I just left it rather than make a big deal about it when the conversation was about Christmas presents.

In late Jan, we went out for dinner with his children and they brought it up. One asked me if I was going and I said again that I didn't know. I hadn't bought a ticket at that point and he and I hadn't talked about it. She said she wanted me to go.

In Feb, I booked the time off work to go and told him but, by then, I had got the distinct impression that he didn't want me there. Mainly because in previous years, he's talked a lot from christmas onwards about the bands who were playing - checking for updates tp the line up etc, looking forward to it, discussing and planning for it etc and this year there's been nothing. It just feels a bit awkward, tbh.

2 weeks ago, he asked me out of the blue if I'd got my ticket yet. I said not yet and reminded him that I'd booked the time of work (there are still plenty of tickets available). But that was it. There was no further conversation - he just asked that and said nothing else. On reflection, it felt more like he was checking that I wasn't going than hoping that I was.

I can't explain but when you know someome well, you pick up on changes in tone, wording, nature of the conversation, enthusiasm etc. I think some people will think I should just get a ticket or I'm being difficult but the atmosphere around the whole thing is very different this year and it feels different. It feels like the elephant in the room.

Anyway. I had a bit of an epiphany over the weekend.

He can he very conflict avoidant. In some respects, this is great because who wants a confrontational partner? But, at the same time, it means that, when he has a problem with someone/something, he tends to just ignore it and hope the problem will go away/resolve itself rather than addressing it head on.

I realised over the weekend that this is what he is doing to me.

The festival is fast approaching and, by this time in previous years we'd made travel arrangements with his children, started to plan which bands we'd see, talked about which of our friends were also going and started to chat about who we hoped to bump into from previous years. Just general looking forward to it chat about stuff.

But this year, there's been nothing. I can't actually make a decision on buying a ticket until I actually know whether I'm welcome or not.

If he'd wanted the weekend with just his children, that would be fine and I'd understand but both of his children's partners are going this year so it won't be just a few days away with them alone anyway.

He doesn't want me to go, does he?

I think if he'd even said, "The kids and I have been talking and they'd really like to go again this year. They're expecting me/us to. I'm starting to think I'll probably enjoy it once I'm there for x, y, z reasons. What do you think? Do you fancy it?" or similar, it would have felt quite different.

From the start it sounded a lot more like, "I've had conversations with my children and we've made a decision to go together. Are you going?" like I was an afterthought and he was asking out of interest/curiosity rather than wanting me there.

If he tells you outright that he doesn't want you to go how do you think that will make you feel? I don't think he will by the way not straight away anyway, it's going to be an exhausting conversation.

Yes, I agree the language and execution is odd.

I'm off work this week and he's finishing work a little earlier today. I think I'm going to take myself to the pub down the road for a late lunch and he can join me on his way home from work.

I'd rather talk about it away from home so the conversation, whatever the outcome, can remain in the pub and not be brought home with us.

This just ask him. Tell him it's fine if he wants to go without you you understand but you just want him to tell the truth.

No, I dont think he would say it straightaway either.

I think there will be a lot of obfuscation and 'come if you want' type stuff.

I think if I present him with some of my reasoning, he will at least understand what I'm thinking and why this constant avoidance is an issue.

How will I feel?

At least I'll have an answer!

We can talk about why and whether it points to bigger issues in the relationship - I don't want to be with someone who would have a better time without me. I mean, I wouldn't want to go to the football with him but something that we've both always done and both enjoy and something that we were looking forward to doing together and have enjoyed doing together in the past? That might well point to bigger issues emerging.

If it's just that he'd rather spend some quality time with his children and their partners? Fine.

He does that anyway. He went out for dinner with them all a few weeks ago and I wasn't invited. That is fine and I see my children without him too.

I can't imagine marrying a man with whom I felt unable to start a particular conversation since last November!!!

Him not being honest about it is more of an issue than him not wanting me there.

I'd find it hard to believe he actually did want me to go now anyway. I mean, if I wanted someone to come with me to something, I'd make it clear to them. I wouldn't leave them uncertain and wondering.

I'm going to speak to him about it today.

Buy a ticket and go.
Or do not go and find your own entertainment for that particular weekend.
Perhaps if the engagement has yet to be announced you could ask if you could arrange a dinner soon and plan a set date.
Keep it simple.

I suppose initially I was just a bit surprised and expected him to bring it up at some point. When he did, it felt more like a fait accompli that inwasnt included and a shut down so i just held fire.

Work's been busy, life gets in the way. Its played on my mind more the last couple of weeks because of the whole engagement thing. And, over the weekend, it occurred to me that he was probably employing the 'ignore it and it'll go away' approach.

And I haven't really been sure how to bring it up.

But it's fast approaching and the last thing I want is for tickets to sell out and for him to be full of disappointment that I won't be there because, by that stage, I simply wouldn't believe it or trust him at all. And I'd never know the truth.

Sounds like a good plan.

It is strange behaviour @OldTedBear but I'm like you, I would just like him to be straight with me. Then everyone knows where they stand. It's lovely that his kids want you there though. They'll be as confused as you are when he rocks up without you! Be honest with them though, tell them he didn't want you to come if that is the case. Dont lie for him. That's just more games.

Not going in and of itself wouldn't be the issue. I'd have no problem making the most of the house to myself and doing other things.

It's more about the why for me. Why doesn't he want me there, if he doesn't and why won't he be honest about it. Why does something so simple and supposedly nice feel like the elephant in the room.

I have mentioned booking a dinner. He said he'd speak to his children. That was three weeks ago and he hasn't. I can only assume that it's because he doesn't want to. He speaks to them almost daily so he could.

Thanks.

I'm actually pretty easy going. I don't like games and I'm usually pretty direct. I give people time to process their own thoughts/feelings, I'm not like a bull in a China shop and I don't argue so no raised voices or rows and I give people.time to formulate a response. So it shouldn't be a difficult conversation. The only thing that would annpy me is if I feel I'm being confounded with smoke and mirrors and he's deliberately avoiding being straightforward.

I prefer everyone to know where they stand too.

Why don't you just ask him straight out? Or say something like, 'I get the feeling you would prefer it if I didn't go to the concert. Am I right?'. I know it might not be easy, but the sooner you do that, the sooner you will stop torturing yourself with these doubts. It seems strange given that he proposed recently, but it's better to know what you are dealing with, in my opinion.

I can't help feeling that this is about more than the festival per se and that something deeper is going on with him regarding your relationship but the marriage proposal has thrown me. Though the lack of/actively delaying an announcement is still suggesting relationship issue. I am now over-thinking on your behalf OP!

I wouldn't marry this man. I think he sounds like a very half-hearted person with very poor communication skills. You sound like a great catch and he can't even be bothered telling people that you are engaged. Have you found him to be different now that you are living together?

Shimla999

I'm going to speak with him today.

It seems strange given that he proposed recently

I agree.

determinedtomakethiswork

I know...

No, not different at all really. Better if anything. He does most of the housework, most of the cooking, he's generous and kind gets on brilliantly with my friends and family. Is always supportive of me and is my biggest cheerleader. He listens to me offload about work and we have a really good time together.

The things ive mentioned here are the only issues and it has really thrown me tbh.

‘I get the feeling you would prefer it if I didn't go to the concert. Am I right?'

I understand why others might suggest this, but it’s not just a feeling is it?

I had a misunderstanding with a friend recently where I had put an event in the diary - she totally forgot and in the meantime had booked something else - when she realised she didn’t just say ‘oh you can come too, if you want’ she checked the website to ensure there was availability and sent a screenshot, she told me the code she had used to get a discount she then said if the discount doesn’t work, you can phone -name- as he helped me get the code to work. All of her actions proved to me she genuinely wanted me to join her. Your DP is doing the opposite which is why you feel the way you do, but its not a feeling, it’s as a direct result of his actions (or inaction) and lack of enthusiasm.

So instead you could phrase it -

’Your actions so far, and lack of enthusiasm and discussion around the festival have made it clear to me you would rather I didn’t join you and whilst you haven’t expressed that, your actions have.’

Also, as others have said. His words have said - we should get married, his actions however, have not. MN has taught me so much, including believing someone’s actions not just their words.

And that's where head is at too! 😅

But you're the one playing games and not being direct! You've been having conversations in your head and second-guessing what he wants based on nothing concrete at all. Because his actions have been fairly standard.

He lost enthusiasm for the festival for whatever reason. But his children didn't, so he changed his mind and got them tickets. (At this point DP and I would have bought our tickets together, but you say you normally buy yours separately - so this is still normal.) He hasn't been as enthusiastic as usual, which fits with his initial approach - this year obviously being with his kids is more of a motivation than the festival itself. However they have all asked you repeatedly whether you're going and you're the one being non-committal and stalling because you keep second-guessing what's in his head without communicating with him.

The avoidant one is YOU here, because it's not clear that he has any problems or feelings that need addressing at all. To him, it will look like you've lost enthusiasm for going to the festival and that's why he's not anticipating it.

And like the very first response said - surely the most important thing is what YOU want in this?

Its almost as if he's asked you to marry him to show he does want to be with you because he doesn't want you to come to the festival for whatever reason but doesn't want you thinking that doesn't mean he's not committed to you or the relationship but now he's freaking out and not telling anyone.

It seems there is alot going on here that he isn't communicating to you or his wider family. The fact the kids asked and seemed keen about you going shows its not them who just wanted a weekend with their dad and It would be strange in my mind for him not to want you there when they will have their partners there. Its all very strange and I think you're absolutely justified to be feeling confused about it all. I'd be really hurt in your shoes if it does turn out he doesn't want you there.

Yes. And thats a very astute response. Thank you.

This is why I like this place.

I'll.haveba think about it and will go with something along the lines of what you suggest for broaching it becaisenthat is really the issue.

His words have been a reluctant "come" when someone.else has brought it up but his actions have been that it isn't even happening and I'm to be kept well away from any mention of it.

He's been to gigs and.stuff with his kids before and spoken openly and enthusiastically about it even though I'm.not going/invited so there is no reason for his radio silence beyond wanting to avoid a difficult conversation.

In reality, I don't think the actions of OPs DP can be described as "fairly standard". I think they've been anything but standard.

And describing the OP as the avoidant one is a little unfair.

I hope we can all agree that the level of honest communication in OPs relationship is not as open as it should be and needs to be addressed. OP has stated that she intends to address this soonest.

No, they haven't all asked 'repeatedly.'

His children asked once when he seemed very uncomfortable.

He asked if I'd bought a ticket a couple of weeks ago but it will have been because his kids only have small cars so he carries a lot of their camping stuff. With both of their partners going this year, the usually transport arrangements will be affected as there will be less space in one of their cars so he will need to take more. It was a logistical question.

He has not said anything at any point which has made me think he wants me to go or has even assumed I will be going because I've been before.

Yes to every word of that.

That is exactly what it looks like.