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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

461 replies

FreeSpiritPixie · 02/04/2024 01:54

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

OP posts:
CurlewKate · 02/04/2024 11:21

It is incredibly important to remember that most of us don't have to think about telling anyone about our sexual orientation- because for most of us the assumption that we are monogamous and heterosexual is correct. So it's not quite as simple as "no need to talk about it."

WotNoUserName · 02/04/2024 11:24

I don't give a fuck about anyone's relationship status. I don't need to know who or how many people other people are shagging, or the sex of them or whatever else they get up to in private. I really don't get the world needed to know these days. Does no one else have an actual personality or other likes and dislikes? Why is personality and identity so sex based these days?

Saying that, I've known a few poly people (because they never shut up about it) and they had kids riddled with anxiety. So on that small group my theory is that it's a bad idea if you have kids - introducing multiple partners sounds like a bad idea (for anyone, not just poly people)

Also one of them came across as really predatory trying to find herself a new girlfriend/boyfriend. I backed away quickly - I never think anyone likes me but she was so seriously over friendly it was unnerving. Friends said the same. She also collects labels that are trendy - queer, non binary, neurospicy (I'm diagnosed and that label pisses me off) constantly changing pronouns etc etc. Very cringe for someone old enough to know better (she's the same age as me)

theeyeofdoe · 02/04/2024 11:26

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2024 02:27

I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends

I don't know why but I really don't like the co-opting of the phrase 'coming out' to cover multiple sexual preferences rather than orientations. I think because of the history of homophobia. Coming out was sometimes dangerous and feels specific.

Shag who you like. Tell people who your relationships are with when it becomes relevant. Decide if the relationship or the reaction is more important.

It's very tedious. Look at me, look at me......

GingerIsBest · 02/04/2024 11:27

I tend to agree with the poster who said it's the "coming out" part that sort of makes me squirm.

I have a friend who regularly dates two men at once. It's no big deal, except in as much as if she's doing something or we're meeting up, the question nis asked who is coming with (both men always know about each other but she doesn't do combined socialising with them. Equal but separate). To be honest though, these are always fairly casual relationships, on all part.

I'd want to know if a friend was in this sort of situation on a broader level I guess - so I can consider what might be appropriate/not appropriate when hosting events/discussing activities etc. Am I inviting her and both partners for dinner, are there any sensitivities between Man 1 and Man 2 etc. But I think someone making a big song and dance about being polyamorous would irritate me.

I also think that when you're dong something that is fairly outside of the mainstream, you can't blame people for being uncomfortable. How many posts and real life conversations do we have even about things that aren't exactly unusual but that are outside of our OWN comfort zone so we are hesitant - religion being a great example. Many of us spend most of our time around people of our own religion and/or culture so can be uncomfortable with the processes and etiquette of others. Usually, we want to behave appropriately so we'll ask, or research. But no one wants anyone else's religion or culture being shoved down our throats constantly.

SabreIsMyFave · 02/04/2024 11:27

Codlingmoths · 02/04/2024 02:13

You should bear in mind that it is quite possible many people who are not in the community and don’t know people in the community have had pretty limited exposure and that’s often 100% negative, I know I’m not the only one. For me it’s a mentally unstable family member who has identified into the queer community and been sucked into a non-relationship with an abusive older man who ‘loves’ her as well as his other women, and who takes and never gives.
I wouldn’t say that to you in person though and I think healthy adults can make it work and it’s a valid lifestyle choice which I am perfectly happy for other adults to make, although naturally it’s more complex than monogamy. I wouldn’t ask you more detailed questions because it would feel like prying into your personal life- I dont ask gay colleagues for example when they first realised they were gay, because why would I?
But I think it is also very conducive to abuse, so the first thing I look for is situations like my family member or where a woman seems vulnerable.

Yeah this. ^ And it's funny how in these 'throuples,' it's almost exclusively 2 women, 1 man. Don't see many men wanting to share their woman with another man, and have a timetable of when they can fuck.

As a pp said, it's not something most people would even think of doing. I think it's really weird, and 'off,' and can't understand how or why anyone would partake in it, particularly any woman! And it's no place for children.

I have never met a throuple in real life, but if I did, I don't know how I would react. I suspect I would keep a poker face, but would be laughing inside. Live and let live yeah I guess, and I wouldn't throw shade on them (to their face!) but I would be secretly judging them.

MrsCrumPinnett · 02/04/2024 11:32

CurlewKate · 02/04/2024 11:21

It is incredibly important to remember that most of us don't have to think about telling anyone about our sexual orientation- because for most of us the assumption that we are monogamous and heterosexual is correct. So it's not quite as simple as "no need to talk about it."

Monogamy isn’t an orientation, though. And I think that by and large, at a societal level, we’ve got beyond the automatic assumption that everyone is heterosexual, too, but that’s separate from relationship choices, which is what monogamy and polyamory are. They aren’t intrinsic, unlike sexual orientation, and shouldn’t be lumped together.

Gwenhwyfar · 02/04/2024 11:32

BabaBarrio · 02/04/2024 07:36

Technically, monogamy is a majority cultural practice and not biological (as a species). Anthropologists have postulated a few reasons for penis in vagina monogamy:
-inheritance protection for the fathers of children of women they sleep with resulting in restriction of women’s sexual partners to just one man
-tracing bloodlines to prevent incest/inbreeding or actively encourage it if of a certain royal bloodline.
-health and hygiene - avoiding STIs that can also cause life limiting illness or chronic poor health in any children.

there are more that I can’t remember rn.

Humans are born 'prematurely' compared to other animals. It takes us a year to learn to walk, for example, so both parents are required in the early years.

Musomama1 · 02/04/2024 11:33

A lot of people view polygamy with scepticism. It seems to be part-kink with the flexible sleeping arrangements so it's hard to take seriously. So although it sounds like parts of it could be fun, I wouldn't expect to be cheered on. Long term committed relationships between two people takes a lot of hard work. Polygamy is side stepping this. I don't know it just seems a bit immature imo.

horseyhorsey17 · 02/04/2024 11:34

SabreIsMyFave · 02/04/2024 11:27

Yeah this. ^ And it's funny how in these 'throuples,' it's almost exclusively 2 women, 1 man. Don't see many men wanting to share their woman with another man, and have a timetable of when they can fuck.

As a pp said, it's not something most people would even think of doing. I think it's really weird, and 'off,' and can't understand how or why anyone would partake in it, particularly any woman! And it's no place for children.

I have never met a throuple in real life, but if I did, I don't know how I would react. I suspect I would keep a poker face, but would be laughing inside. Live and let live yeah I guess, and I wouldn't throw shade on them (to their face!) but I would be secretly judging them.

Edited

I know a couple of throuples (lol). And as someone said above, in both those relationships, there's one person who instigated the polyamory and is definitely into it, and a former monogamous partner who's been dragged along for the ride and would probably prefer to be in the relationship they originally signed up for. I got hit on by the partner in one of these throuples (who'd been cheated on by his wife and agreed to open up the marriage to save their relationship) and it was both sad and embarrassing. And also a massive turnoff.

PansyPolly · 02/04/2024 11:37

Marking place as I am also poly - many single and monogamous female friends of mine have had bad experiences on dating sites of men claiming to be poly or ENM but actually being cheaters, so a wariness is understandable.

Will now RTFT.

Waffleson · 02/04/2024 11:39

Well the biggest problem is children. Around half of babies aren't planned, so the fact you arent intending to get pregnant doesn't mean you aren't at risk of a fucked up family arrangement.

Also it's hard to see how you can be in a committed relationship with more than one person? I know someone who did this, though in her course it was described as an open affair. The husband put up with it and was miserable. Then he died and the boyfriend dropped the woman quick smart. It didn't seem like a particularly happy or fair arrangement to me.

5128gap · 02/04/2024 11:40

I couldn't care less if you have two partners or ten or none. But I do judge you for describing wanting more than one bloke at a time and finding yourself a pair who don't mind as 'quite the journey' and giving yourself a pretentious label that's supposed to make that sound a lot more interesting and 'special' than it actually is.

Grapion · 02/04/2024 11:41

What is the difference between polyamory and polygamy

followmyflow · 02/04/2024 11:43

because of my personal experience with "polyamory" which resulted in unending suffering and abuse for the children in the situation.
and there is no need to "come out" (co-opted language) as polyamorous. nobody wants to know that.

KateMiskin · 02/04/2024 11:43

I am wary of people with a lot of loud labels and identities. They tend to be very self absorbed.

I am in my fifties and these days being 'supportive' means helping a friend through cancer, not listening to their tales of how cool their poly relationships are. I expect many older women feel this way. We have had enough of validation seeking.

Abeona · 02/04/2024 11:43

I agree @MotherofGorgons . I think some people of every new generation (OP sounds very young and has no idea that this isn't anything new) start out by reinventing open relationships and usually end up monogamous. Like democracy, monogamy is an imperfect system that leads to a lot of frustration and unfairness but seems, on the whole, to work better than the other available options.

I have a friend whose parents had an open marriage from the 1960s to when they died only a few years ago. One of them was a well-known public figure in the 1970s and 80s and their open relationship was widely known. One of their large family of children was the offspring of one of the mother's lovers and sadly was never fully accepted by the husband. I knew several of the children when we were growing up (we lived in the same area) and I'd now say that the older ones suffered because of emotional tensions and the fact that their parents were busy managing their relationships with various partners. The marriage was one of those tempestuous ones — a bit Taylor and Burton. My parents were so very dull and boring by comparison. The older kids had to do a lot of parenting and carry a lot of responsibility while their parents were off doing their thing. I was spared that. One child committed suicide in his late 20s. Another has spent long periods in and out of psychiatric institutions.

They are one of those families that look impressive from the outside — both parents widely admired in their field, the mother in particular held up as a feminist heroine — while the reality (major MH and psychological issues among the children) isn't talked about. Once the children had left home, both parents went off and lived their own lives. Then when they got into their 70s and 80s they wanted the children to support them and leaned on them very heavily. I oscillate between admiring the parents for being self-focussed enough to do what they wanted in life and thinking what selfish, privileged people they were.

Class plays a massive role in how this kind of relationship set-up is perceived. Being polyamorous or whatever people care to call it when you're working class and living on benefits is one thing: being polyamorous if you're a minor member of the aristocracy, where you marry for pedigree and to conserve the family fortune and infidelity is taken as read, is another.

As a feminist and a woman who believes that women should have the freedom to live their lives as they please, including defying social norms, I struggle with the idea of monogamy. I also struggle with the idea of bringing children into a set-up where the children aren't the centre of their parents' lives.

Mary Harrington is a feminist who used to be very libertarian but now writes about these issues. She has come to a position, having been in OP's shoes, where she advocates marriage and monogamy:
https://reactionaryfeminist.substack.com/about

Here she is on You Tube raising a lot of questions that merit consideration:

I think it's important feminists talk about these things.

About - Reactionary Feminist

Feminism Against Progress. Click to read Reactionary Feminist, by Mary Harrington, a Substack publication with tens of thousands of subscribers.

https://reactionaryfeminist.substack.com/about

Todaywasbetter · 02/04/2024 11:47

As a kid we called it 2 timing. Been around forever. No big deal.

LordSnot · 02/04/2024 11:47

Like democracy, monogamy is an imperfect system that leads to a lot of frustration and unfairness but seems, on the whole, to work better than the other available options.

That's a very good analogy and more charitable than mine, which is that anarchy is politics for edgy teenagers just as "poly" is relationships for edgy teenagers. Some adults sadly don't grow out of either.

Didimum · 02/04/2024 11:48

Capmagturk · 02/04/2024 10:22

Its not "my" difference, its clearly the difference for the majority of people in the world. Are you saying you don't have sex with all the people you are in a relationship with? If not, why not? If you do, then my point is proven.

It is your difference because you’re not polyamorous obviously, so you don’t get to define relationship vs friendship for someone who is. Noted you didn’t feel the need to define relationship for someone asexual – which says it all, really.

Didimum · 02/04/2024 11:49

Grapion · 02/04/2024 11:41

What is the difference between polyamory and polygamy

Polygamy is marriage to more than one person.

StaunchMomma · 02/04/2024 11:49

Most people in a committed, loving relationship don't want anyone else and would be devastated to see their partner with another person. I wouldn't want it for myself and wouldn't put up with it for a second from a partner, either.

You can't expect us to understand your thinking when we think completely differently. It's a concept that literally never enters the head of most people.

You do you, but know that your mindset is very different to most people. What you do is not anyone else's business and, honestly, we don't care or want to hear about it.

EveryKneeShallBow · 02/04/2024 11:50

Polyamory - isn’t that the place with all the colourful buildings around the harbour? 🎶What's the story, polyamory, wouldn’t you like to know?🎵

Ohhbaby · 02/04/2024 11:50

Coming out as polyamory. Sounds like a lovely excuse to shag who you like and multiple people at once without anyone being able to say you're cheating.
Oh if only all the DP's of the women om mumsnet who complain that they are cheating thought about that line.. How many marriages/ relationships would still be today!

lookwhatyoudidthere · 02/04/2024 11:51

I mean, beyond my very closest friends and family, I probably wouldn't choose to broadcast it. Not because I'd be worried about offending anyone, just because I'm not that interested in other peoples relationships and always assume they would see mine the same way. Are you in your 20s OP?

underthemilky · 02/04/2024 11:53

Completely off topic but why do people say 'European' like it's one huge homogeneous group. Is he German, Portuguese, Greek or Finnish?

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