Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

Eh. Obviously I would in that case. But I am not interested in hearing about their sex lives or their Tinder bad dates or their excessive drama.

And in my experience, poly folk bang on about that. Maybe I am just too old. I don't have the headspace for drama anymore.

It's the whole coming out, show off look at me I'm special thing more than being judged OP. Nobody cares if you're porking multiple blokes?

The only interesting thing that I could see is when they get their own girlfriends on top. I'm sure you'll all be very good friends.

Its not "my" difference, its clearly the difference for the majority of people in the world. Are you saying you don't have sex with all the people you are in a relationship with? If not, why not? If you do, then my point is proven.

Your sexual preference/identity is not the most interesting thing about you and yet people act as if it is. But it’s not because we’re all boring vanilla heteronormative types, it’s because it’s actually on a level with hearing about someone’s hobbies, or unsolicited holiday photos.

Why does it matter? If you’re safe and happy, and not hurting anyone, or doing anything illegal etc, you’re all good. I can see why people you socialise with might need an explanation, and may have concerns. That’s not unusual.

However, what I do in my private life is between me and the people I’m sharing that time with, whether it’s a trip to the coast with friends, or a weekend in bed with my partner. You have your polyamorous community to share your lifestyle with, if that’s what you want to do.

And if you're ‘coming out as poly’, should I come out as a ‘heterosexual monogamous woman in a committed relationship who enjoys a very lively sex life despite being over 50’? No, because no one cares.

Exactly this. Its a euphemism for no strings sex.

I just don’t know how they have so much time on their hands. For me to give enough time and attention to sustain another entire loving relationship something major would have to give.

Are you neglecting your friends and family to focus on your 2 relationships? Maybe you don’t work or you have some kind of super powers, but most people would be taking attention from other aspects of their life to support this.

I don't know why people are equating divorce to being poly. People don't brag about being divorced the way to do about being poly. Nobody uses it to be snide about boring het types, as pp put it.

It’s one thing OP having two boyfriends but I would really struggle with dealing with those boyfriends having other girlfriends. It all starts to get a bit too convoluted for my own personal preference - which is strictly one to one. I don’t like complications in my life and for me it would just seem ‘cluttered’.

This.

I’m not interested in anyone else’s sex lives apart from my own so why would I want to know about my friends sex lives?

This reminds me though of an Australian woman we knew through clubbing who suddenly left her boyfriend who we were all friends with and had a lesbian relationship with a lesbian we knew (we were all friends through clubbing). Naturally a few of us asked them about the lesbian side and after a while they didn’t really want to share. And yes it all got very messy and they broke up.

Never seen true equality in a polyamorous relationship, nor one still going twenty years down the line.

This too. It seems like you want everyone to think you’re amazing, wild, unique having sex with 2 men when in reality most people are used to monogamous relationships. You can’t be surprised if some of your friends aren’t bothered/interested.

Polyamory is a lifestyle choice. It is not a sexual orientation. Your wording of this post suggests a basic misunderstanding on that - that will certainly prickle some people.

also consider no one cares? It’s weird that you feel the need to tell people you’re basically having sex with multiple people.

No it's not just what women do. I certainly don't do it. My friends know nothing about my relationship with DH other than he seems nice and I seem happy. Why are you gossiping about your partner and not respecting their privacy?

Just because you don’t want to live a certain lifestyle, doesn’t mean that lifestyle is ‘unhealthy and fraught with tension.’ Polyamory has nothing to do with cheating.

Kind of my observations as well. There always seems to be a dominating personality pushing for the open or polyamorous set up rather then an enthusiastic joint enterprise.

I had an interesting conversation about this the other day with some friends who are exploring polyamory but feeling uncomfortable about ‘poly culture’ - they feel good about their choices but don’t identify with who they call the ‘polyamory is my identity crowd’ - they are trying to find ways to incorporate their way of being happy into mainstream life without shouting about it. It’s hard.

(disclaimer - I’m as cis / het / vanilla as they come + very ok with whatever other people chose to do as long as they’re safe + happy + don’t tell me all the details)

We were exploring ideas about social discomfort with it and broke it down in to four really

1. for some people it comes from a place of anxiety. ‘Don’t let my wife / boyfriend find out that’s a thing or they’ll want to have sex with other people too’

2. for some people it’s just a generalised dislike of the unknown. They tend to be the crowd that are also suspicious of vegans

3. for some it’s a fear of vulnerable people being taken advantage of - the idea of the charismatic cult leader with his many wives etc.

4. for some people I think it’s a general dislike of knowing the details of anyone else’s sex lives. A bit like any sexual difference - I am perfectly happy for you to do anything you like as long as you keep it private. There’s always an element of any community that gets off on it being public (like those people that want to be dogs on leads in public - not ok!) - that give everyone a bad name

—————

I think they have currently got to a place where they will share their ‘third person’ as a friend with the world / as a relationship with their closest friends / family - and have acknowledged that, in the circles they move in, it’s going to be a slow process of feeling around in the dark to find the right balance.

it ain’t easy not being conventional. But I think that, as long as you’re safe and comfortable with your choices, and make sure that your identity as a fun gardener / crossfitter / baker / aunt isnt consumed by sexuality culture - you'll hopefully find that those that matter don’t mind (and probably aren’t very interested as long as you’re happy and bring your best banana bread to their sons CrossFit party)

If I met you I would possibly come across as unsupportive because I'm not affirmative. It's not because I dislike your choices, it's simply because I don't give a shit. I'm married. When I describe myself my relationship status is far down the list. People's sexuality and relationships status really shouldn't matter to others unless they are interested in having a relationship with them and are so crowded with stereotypes they're meaningless. For example, I have quite a lot of gay friends and quite a few get pissed off with the assumption that they're all attending cabaret on a Saturday dressed like the village people. They're as conventional as they come!. You like who you like, you can shag who you like in whatever way you like as long as everyone involved are consenting adults, but I don't need to hear about the details. Im not anti I just don't care. I'm interested in what makes someone who they are, not their sex life, which I find listening to quite boring tbh. If you're my close friend I will of course listen to relationship woes as infinitum but otherwise no, sorry not interested.

It might be worth exploring why you feel the need to have external affirmation of your sex lchoices. It's human nature to feel accepted and a sense of belonging but in a world as culturally diverse as ours, it's inevitable that not everyone will give you this. It's an essential part of growing up to learn to not care when you know what you're doing causes no harm.

All of this!

If I were your friend, why would you think I'd need or want to know?

Says it all really.

BTW fiance not fiancee if referring to a male.

"I should add that my fiancée is English and my boyfriend is European"

So they are both European. England is still in Europe.

Those of you who’ve said that polyamory isn’t a sexual orientation….well of course it is, it’s got its own (new) flag and everything….

Do you not socialise or make plans with your friends and their partners?

You'd need to know just for numbers purposes.

Most people just really don't want to think about other people having sex. Not their friends. Not their family.

The whole thing just seems quite self indulgent? I don't think other people care about your sexual identity as much as you think they do.

tbh I think most ppl don't really care about other people's relationship status except for their close family and friends. personally I don't have any interest in others' sexual activities/set ups. not a lifestyle for me but what others do is their business.