Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

I don't think telling people you have two partners is 'coming out'. It's not your sexuality; it's your personal preference for relationships. It's not like being gay or bi or trans.

I personally wouldn't really care what your relationship situation was. I used to work with someone who had a similar arrangement - her boyfriend also had a wife and they were all good friends and it was all out in the open and everyone was fine with it, and it had been that way for years. But there was no announcement where she 'came out as poly'. It simply came up in normal conversation about relationships and she said 'Well, I suppose my situation is a bit different because...' and I went 'Oh - yeah, that's unusual! But it sounds like it's working really well for you' and that was the end of the conversation.

However, people do not have to accept your choices, because (unlike being gay) they are your choices and not something innate. Ultimately, if I were in your family's position I'd just think it was up to you, and I wouldn't be making any moral judgements about it because I don't have any moral issue with what you're doing. But if I'm being honestly, I probably wouldn't feel the same family connection to either of your partners that I would feel about a monogamous partner, because however you feel about it, it is a different dynamic.

I also think that it would be difficult for most people to take your engagement and presumably your wedding seriously, because legally it's a commitment to one person only, and of course all your guests will be aware that in reality you are also committed to a second partner. And I would also feel like I didn't really have to bother getting to know your boyfriend because he is apparently the less important one of your partners because you've chosen to marry the other one.

Why do you need to come out? Just carry on doing what you want to do. Not everyone needs to know.

What I don't get is your insistence that your private life shouldn't matter yet you put lengthy posts on here.
People only know about your private life unless you tell them. Let's be honest no one ever asks are you polyamous, in the same way that people don't ask if you are gay or heterosexual or anything else. No one cares, unless of course you tell them so you can get some kind of reaction. Get on with your life keep it private and no one will judge you

Yes, it's quite odd to say nobody cares who you're in a relationship with'. Of course they do!
But then MNers think people asking each other whether they have children is 'too personal' whereas it's one of the first things people ask in real life.

'it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend'
I guess I was confused at this bit because earlier you said you have two men in your life, but then I reckoned you meant fiancé and it was just a slip of the finger.
As for judgement I'd just question becoming engaged to one person and yet not really being committed to either man in the fullest sense. I suppose that's why some people aren't cool with it, they perceive it as cheating on one or the other or both. Personally so long as there aren't any children to get confused or upset and the three of you are truly happy, I'm not interested.

You don’t need to “come out” as polyamorous, it’s attention seeking. I think you do need to look very closely at yourself and work out what you need from this, what you get from this, and why you feel the need to share it with others.
I think the screen name choice has a lot to do with it 'free spirit' and 'pixie' I won't be constrained by what society thinks is usual or a good idea and I want everyone to see that writ large.

"Coming out" has an established meaning. It refers to the process, often scary and emotionally fraught, by which people reveal, to their loved ones and/or the wider world, that they are gay or bi. As society becomes less homophobic, hopefully it becomes a less risky process, and in time perhaps we won't even need a term for it because it will be such a non-event for everyone - here's hoping. But sadly we are not there yet.

Therefore I think it's offensive for somebody to use this term when they are talking about something much less traumatic and important, such as the revelation that they are, in this case, currently sleeping with more than one person. Which is a relatively common occurrence and not a big deal.

Just like if I claimed to have PTSD from losing my phone or getting a bad haircut. That would be offensive to people who have actual PTSD from actual traumatic events. It would belittle and make light of their struggle.

I don't care who OP sleeps with, as long as it's consensual, but as a bisexual woman who has gone through the coming out process I do care about OP's reappropriation of the term "coming out." I don't think she just gets to use it because "that's how she feels". You could say that about anything, and it would render language meaningless, if we just all start calling one thing another thing because we feel like it.

You should watch this OP. You’ll be able to see yourself from an outside perspective.

Love Without Limits

Everyone on here seems to be in a dinner party set.
I personally only go to parties/pubs/cafes so numbers don't matter, but it's still totally normal to want to introduce your boyfriend to your friends.

"tbh I think most ppl don't really care about other people's relationship status except for their close family and friends."

So, so wrong!

Nobody wants to hear about anybody's relationships, in honesty. Aside from the usual, flippant, niceties of general chit-chat, I'm really not interested in the ins and outs of anyone's relationships.

Why would anyone care who you're boffing, OP?

Everyone is just living their life and dealing with their own shit - they don't have the space for anyone else's.

Probably the same reason that this thread is largely treating polyamorous people as though they are one homogeneous group – sleazy, self-centered, fucked up, immature, self-obsessed have been just a few choice descriptions.

I do know a family of 2 men and one woman and other people close where it has seemed to work well for some years, and there are also 4 children from different fathers. They all seem very happy. The woman is the one I am friends with., I've known her since she had her oldest child and just that one's father. I think, for those who've said people don't want these details, it probably matters if the three of them know the same circle of people as they might think she is cheating.

I think the problem is that you have one of these men as your fiancé and therefore plan to marry him?

You can have sex with whoever you want. But marriage means that you don't have sex with someone outside the marriage, in my opinion anyway.

So if you were my friend, I'd be pretty confused about you getting married and think it was illogical. And also, when married people cheat, it destroys lives. So I think sex with other people should be taboo, rather than something that is considered OK.

This. It'd be like someone coming out as vegan. Polyamory is not a sexuality and it feels weird to co-opt the language of LGB people to describe your choice to shag multiple men. Equating what amounts to a lifestyle choice with someone's innate sexuality feels minimising as well as quite arrogant.

Rather patronising. Women manage to have sex in all manner of life stages when they are not prepared to or don’t want to have a baby. They even manage to have sex when they are child free by choice for life. Madness!

Yes, you'd have to ban all sex outside of very committed relationships, people in non-family friendly jobs, etc. for that comment to make sense.

It sounds as if @FreeSpiritPixie is disappointed at not getting a round of applause. Still trying to justify why she needs to 'come out' and bore her friends.
This is page 10; Nothing original has been said since page 3.
Y'All have a nice day now!

Not sure why you need to tell us?
It's your life.
If you're all happy.. then no problem.
❤️❤️❤️

The few people I know in poly relationships never stop going on about it. Maybe it's that. It's not for me but I wish you well.

This is all so flaming self-indulgent.

Just live your life with kindness to all around you and make sure no-one is being hurt. That is enough.

You do not need a label and you do not need anyone else to be asked to label you.

Just be kind and decent; and go and get some useful outlets in your life that stop this navel-gazing.

There are kids starving in war zones and you are fussing about what people should call you. I have to admit I find it entirely pathetic.

I can understand someone who feels they would be happier being able to live their lives as a different gender and that does need some cooperation from those around them; but deciding you want to screw around does not fall into that category. You can just get on with it; and it is not "difficult" - you just have to find people who wish to co-operate and get on with it.

As far as I'm concerned, polyamory is a term used to describe people with more than one consenting partner. It's nothing new, it's nothing outrageous, it's a little bit sleazy and more than a bit grubby. It's like throuple being a new term for 3 some or 3 way. Do what you do but keep the curtains closed and the door closed.

I find this interesting. No judgement here, just curiosity! So do you all live together? And how would you feel if either man was seeing another woman? Are both men really not jealous in the slightest?

Says the person advising someone to ‘live your life with kindness to all around you’. How hypocritical.

Do you not think think it matters how OP feels about people label and describe her, seeing as this in this thread alone she has been called many things – sleazy, grubby, selfish and a ‘cheater rebranded’ to name a few.

But why is it sleazy or grubby?

I'm really not interested in who you shag or why. I do think being engaged to one bloke and shagging another is odd. What's the point of being engaged?

In a few years it'll no doubt end in tears from one (or more) of the people involved. Why don't you just shag around and have threesomes and get it out of your system quietly? (Like most people do.)