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Original poster

Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

461 replies

FreeSpiritPixie · 02/04/2024 01:54

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

OP posts:
horseyhorsey17 · 02/04/2024 10:09

Also, if you're polyamorous, shouldn't you be marrying both men if you're marrying at all? Otherwise you actually have a husband and a man you're shagging on the side.

I think the reason people 'have a problem' with polyamory is that polyamorists take themselves massively seriously whereas everyone else thinks it sounds and smells a lot like bullsh*t.

Gonners · 02/04/2024 10:10

Is it a fiancée or a fiancé? Because small errors like that will lose you marks in GCSE French.

horseyhorsey17 · 02/04/2024 10:11

willWillSmithsmith · 02/04/2024 10:06

As long as kids aren’t involved do what you want. I’m just absolutely amazed that you’ve found two ‘great’ blokes. Well done for that at least because me finding one has been like looking for the holy grail and I never did succeed (given up now).

Christ, tell me about it! Slim pickings out there - but there are loads of men into 'ethical non-monogamy' on online dating. I've always assumed that actually just means they've got a partner who may or may not know that they'd also like to shag around - which gets a big fat 'fuck off' from me.

Capmagturk · 02/04/2024 10:11

Didimum · 02/04/2024 09:52

Again – you equate it to just shagging. It’s not just shagging. It’s a relationship.

I am expected to accept it is a totally different sexuality

Nowhere has OP said it’s a different sexuality.

So you don't "discover" you "are" polyamorous. You start being polyamorous. Totally different things.

Discovering is OP’s phrase to describe how she had feelings that she did not know were compatible with polyamory. She is allowed to use language that she think accurately describes her feelings.

The second one does not require "coming out" - revealing who you are.

Once again, she can choose to use this phrase to let her nearest and dearest know she is currently in a relationship with two people and that they can likely expect it in the future.

And yes, it is primarily about sex.

As someone not in the relationship, you are not entitled to declare what it’s ‘primarily about’. The people in the relationship do.

I wouldn't be offended if I introduced a partner to people and they assumed I was shagging him/her. Because it would be true. It's not rude at all.

I didn’t say it equates to people thinking you shag your boyfriend (and you full well know I didn’t). I said it’s like introducing your boyfriend to your friends and family and them not caring because they say ‘isn’t it someone you JUST shag’. It’s disrespectful and dismissive and unless you’re a total a-hole, I’m betting you would not say that to a friend or family member who introduced you to a partner who meant a great deal to them.

Show quote history

But having sex with someone IS the difference between having a friendship and a relationship.

bridgetreilly · 02/04/2024 10:11

It’s like being a vegan: your choice, but I really, really don’t want to hear all about it.

VampireWeekday · 02/04/2024 10:11

I don't really get all these "TMI, move swiftly along, people don't want to know" comments. Me and my friends pass hours of our lives dissecting our love lives over glasses of wine, isn't this normal between women? If my friend has a new boyfriend, we talk about it. We actually don't talk about sex all that much, but every other aspect is fair game. If my friend has a new boyfriend and is poly, I'll talk about it just the same.

upthehills1 · 02/04/2024 10:12

PinotPony · 02/04/2024 08:50

I'm in an ENM relationship - DP and I date other people with full disclosure and consent.

I find it interesting that many posters' immediate thought is that polyamory is about sex... that you're somehow immoral or boasting because you're having sex with multiple people. Do you view monogamous relationships as being primarily about sex? Or could it be more about how much you care for and respect the other person?

For me, ENM has enabled me to view my relationships in a different light. I can meet a person who I enjoy spending time with and want to get to know better without having any limitations on what that relationship might turn into. We could become great friends, lovers or partners - there's no expectation. And that's been rather wonderful.

I don't tell many people that I'm ENM as it's really none of their business. But my close friends know as they'll ask who I'm bringing to dinner!

What do you do with your partners, aside from sex, that you don’t do with just a regular close friend? Sex and sexual attraction is a major part of a loving relationship. Yes there are other aspects but we can’t pretend otherwise, or they’d just be friends surely?

willWillSmithsmith · 02/04/2024 10:12

takemeawayagain · 02/04/2024 09:47

It's just messy really isn't it? Trying to juggle emotions and sex with two other people. Making sure no one feels lesser or jealous or left out. It just sounds to me like it's has the potential to be a lot of drama - and that the type of person drawn to it would be the sort who enjoys that.

I am way too lazy to live a polyamorous life.

MotherofGorgons · 02/04/2024 10:13

VampireWeekday · 02/04/2024 10:11

I don't really get all these "TMI, move swiftly along, people don't want to know" comments. Me and my friends pass hours of our lives dissecting our love lives over glasses of wine, isn't this normal between women? If my friend has a new boyfriend, we talk about it. We actually don't talk about sex all that much, but every other aspect is fair game. If my friend has a new boyfriend and is poly, I'll talk about it just the same.

No. Because I am old and long married. Most of my friends are too. Maybe in my younger days. These days I have quite enough to do listening to stories about DD's boyfriends!

I am also quite cynical, and think most relationships are more or less the same, because people are people. i don't really believe in the perfect, special, unique relationship any more.

VampireWeekday · 02/04/2024 10:14

upthehills1 · 02/04/2024 10:12

What do you do with your partners, aside from sex, that you don’t do with just a regular close friend? Sex and sexual attraction is a major part of a loving relationship. Yes there are other aspects but we can’t pretend otherwise, or they’d just be friends surely?

Show quote history

If this were true then the term friend with benefits would be a contradiction.

bonzaitree · 02/04/2024 10:14

If a friend of mine was doing this, I would be very very worried about her.

Id be concerned that my friend was being used as a fuck buddy by the men she were with. Just someone to pass time with until « the one » came along for the men. I’d worry the men would then unceremoniously dump my friend and create nuclear families with their « dream woman ». She’d be left with nothing, having put a lot of work into the relationship.

VampireWeekday · 02/04/2024 10:15

MotherofGorgons · 02/04/2024 10:13

No. Because I am old and long married. Most of my friends are too. Maybe in my younger days. These days I have quite enough to do listening to stories about DD's boyfriends!

I am also quite cynical, and think most relationships are more or less the same, because people are people. i don't really believe in the perfect, special, unique relationship any more.

Show quote history

So if your best friend got divorced and started a new relationship you would simply never talk about it?

Toddlerteaplease · 02/04/2024 10:15

If you 'came out as polyamory' I'd think you were being self indulgent.

upthehills1 · 02/04/2024 10:16

VampireWeekday · 02/04/2024 10:14

If this were true then the term friend with benefits would be a contradiction.

Show quote history

So are they not having benefits? So then they are just friends?

The term ‘friends with benefits’ is widely known to be mostly about the benefits…

gannett · 02/04/2024 10:16

bridgetreilly · 02/04/2024 10:11

It’s like being a vegan: your choice, but I really, really don’t want to hear all about it.

It's also like being a vegan in that I still need to know on a practical level. If I'm inviting a friend round for dinner are we making lasagne or butternut squash stew? If I'm inviting a friend and her new partner over is that one extra person or two?

Tempnamechng · 02/04/2024 10:16

Who do you take as your plus one? How does the other feel about not being the favourite?

horseyhorsey17 · 02/04/2024 10:16

VampireWeekday · 02/04/2024 10:11

I don't really get all these "TMI, move swiftly along, people don't want to know" comments. Me and my friends pass hours of our lives dissecting our love lives over glasses of wine, isn't this normal between women? If my friend has a new boyfriend, we talk about it. We actually don't talk about sex all that much, but every other aspect is fair game. If my friend has a new boyfriend and is poly, I'll talk about it just the same.

I suppose it depends. I'd rather talk about almost anything else other than my love life (not that I've got one, which is probably why I also don't care about anyone else's either) or other people's. I used to swap notes with my mates in my teens/early 20s but now I am in my late 40s I don't want to hear about my friends' husbands' penis size or erectile dysfunction problems.

Didimum · 02/04/2024 10:17

Capmagturk · 02/04/2024 10:11

But having sex with someone IS the difference between having a friendship and a relationship.

Show quote history

That’s your difference. You don’t get to define how someone else defines their relationship. Many asexual people will define their relationships separately to their friendships also.

RainbowZebraWarrior · 02/04/2024 10:17

horseyhorsey17 · 02/04/2024 10:09

Also, if you're polyamorous, shouldn't you be marrying both men if you're marrying at all? Otherwise you actually have a husband and a man you're shagging on the side.

I think the reason people 'have a problem' with polyamory is that polyamorists take themselves massively seriously whereas everyone else thinks it sounds and smells a lot like bullsh*t.

Exactly. It's the whole overly earnest, self indulgent 'it's been a journey' and arduous sounding 'still in the process of coming out'

It's the sort of language that used to be reserved for complex medical diagnoses. (A really difficult 'journey' with cancer like my Mum; acceptance, processing)

Everything is so overly emotive now.

That's the bit folk can't be arsed with.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/04/2024 10:17

It doesn’t sound like you’re being shunned, if people are stepping back from you it’s because they don’t really care or want to hear about it.

I’ve had to do this with one of my longterm friends because after a very drawn out and emotional “journey”, which has hurt her partner immensely and shown up a horrible power imbalance in their relationship, she’s taken to referring to the rest of our friends as vanilla in disparaging terms and looks for any excuse to talk about how very open minded and more fun her blue haired new gang are. I worry for her, I worry for her partner, I really worry for their child, and I don’t want to know the salacious details she’s so keen to share. I miss her tbh, she used to be more interesting.

MotherofGorgons · 02/04/2024 10:18

I was once called a" mono traditional" person by some young un for saying fairly mildly that I think poly relationships have all the problems of trad relationships.
oh well. I am also called a TERF for believing men can't become women. It is what it is.

Ginmonkeyagain · 02/04/2024 10:18

No one want to hear about sex people doing sex people things, mainly because it is very dull.

I enjoyed playing the field a bit when i was younger but would be very bad at polyamory - I find having a committed relationship with just one other person exhausting - more than one sound like a right ballache, probably because I am straight and men are so needy.

DoIhavegreeneyes · 02/04/2024 10:18

An early post said TMI.
I think we don't need to know what you do in your bedroom. Neither do you need to make a 'Grand Announcement' about enjoying shagging different people and having an audience of your mates. You like Sex OP, why make up fancy words for promiscuity?
Most of us can't understand why you think it makes you a better person to keep having orgies.

Capmagturk · 02/04/2024 10:19

VampireWeekday · 02/04/2024 10:14

If this were true then the term friend with benefits would be a contradiction.

Show quote history

A friend with benefits isn't really a friend though is it. It's someone you meet up with and shag regularly who you aren't in a relationship with and aren't just having a one night stand with.

MrsCherryCrest · 02/04/2024 10:19

The poly people I’ve known were exclusively married with children, and the husbands wanted to cheat so they announced they were poly in order to cheat with permission. In both cases the wives went along with it to try and keep their family together but were obviously incredibly hurt and damaged by the experience.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with living a poly lifestyle if everyone involved goes into the relationship knowing what it is, and there’s no children involved. Historically the UK is a Christian country and I think a lot of the judgemental and shame comments come from our history of people being told not to have sex with more than one person.

But I don’t think people should get married unless they want to fully commit to the person they’re marrying. It’s having one foot out the door from the beginning. Why are you getting married if you want a poly lifestyle OP?