Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

OP, being 'your authentic self' really doesn't mean people need to know every detail of your private life. No one is going to think you're dishonest or a liar because you don't tell them you've got two men on the go. How many people you're in a relationship with isn't an identifier, it's a behaviour and a behaviour that doesn't impact any other aspect of normal social life, so 'coming out' as you (somewhat offensively) term it, isn't, and doesn't need to be a thing. You're deliberately telling people unnecessary information you think (hope?) will shock them, then making a drama out of how you feel when they're duly shocked, when you could just get on with enjoying life.

I had many comments of a nasty nature when I was a single parent. I always shrugged. Who the fuck cares what other people say.

A wedding invite, is exactly that, an invite. Not a summons. Go or dont go to the wedding. A baby sex reveal I think has an invite not a summons. You can be left in the dark if you like. Just dont go.
And you too are free to ignore any and all friends who shove their wedding, baby, baby sex reveal down your throat.

I guess some people will be upset if you ignore any wedding or baby related news and that's ok too.

Personally I don't find poly relationships personally confronting. A long life, however, has made me wary-the scope for abuse is very strong and I would be concerned if someone I loved went into such a relationship. Proper equality is difficult between 2 people- how much more between 3.

overwhelmingly the answer has been "we don't have any interest in hearing about your sex life."

It’s not her sex life. It’s her relationship.

Why would dating two blokes mean OP is "going through a tough time"?

Because people have cut contact with her over it.

to think people would find it interesting to discuss the minutiae of your single or monogomous or polyamorous state

Nowhere has minutiae of anything been alluded to.

Maybe she kept banging on (excuse the pun) about her polyamorous 'identity' and her friends or family found it boring or prurient.

A assumption based on … nothing. Where does OP describe the manner in which she’d spoken about it?

The kinks, quirks, preferences or relationship statuses of other adults I am not trying to date, shag, hook up with in any way are of none of my damned business.

So I’ll assume when a friend or colleague introduces you to her partner you respond that you have no interest because it’s none of your business. No? Didn’t think so.

(If you think "we don't give a shit" is nasty, I suggest you need thicker skin to engage on here.)

I’ll also assume when a friend introduces you to their partner or tells you that they’ve met someone they’re excited about that you think it’s fine to say ‘I don’t give a shit’.

No? Again, didn’t think so. Unless … of course, you only reserve that sort of language or response for polyamorous people. Got it!

It’s terribly mind blowing why someone would find it hurtful though, isn’t it? Gosh, it’s such a difficult thing to comprehend.

you seem really keen to make this into a situation where we are all saying the OP is some disgusting sex obsessed pervert because we are judgemental cows who hate polyamory/don't understand it.

Thank you for summing it up. Yes that’s exactly what I think. Would you like a medal for stating the obvious?

Lots of things are hurtful. Maybe it's a lesson learnt not to overshare about your sex life. People grow out of friends all the time. If the OP's friends found it offensive, then they are their feelings to feel, and they are entitled to decide they dont want to he friends with her. We only have OPs word for why they cut her off. Maybe they did find her banging on about her ' coming out' journey offensive, or she was tediously going on about how amazingly interesting she was because she was polyamourous. She said she wanted validation and to talk about it. Why? That is a ' her' problem, as the younguns may say.

The time and emotional effort needed to work this out! How can you not get bored picking over the relationship minutiae?

That’s a rather large truckload of assumptions based on nothing.

Where does OP say or allude to oversharing about her sex life. Is introducing a partner to someone oversharing about your sex life? Is talking about a date to a cool restaurant oversharing about your sex life?

It’s pretty normal to talk about your partner(s) in any general chit chat. I just told a work colleague about my Easter break with my husband, oh and that we’re going on holiday next week. Is that oversharing about my sex life? Would it be OK for someone to respond with ‘I don’t give a shit?’

I mean clearly people do care when people say nasty things - we are social creatures. It is great if you can shrug it off but it kind of places the onus on the person receiving the sexism, racism or just stupid or ignorant comments which isn't right.

The fact is that there are social norms. It is a custom to invite people to your wedding - this proclaiming your sexual orientation and love interest. It is normal to have christenings, (becoming more normal to do these reveals and parties before the baby is born too) thus usually and indirectly announcing to others your sex life and probably more things too! Like how partners invite other couples to dinner parties or go on holiday together. Pretending that we don't have social norms doesn't help anyone. If you don't fit social norms life will be harder.

But I object to people who think that as a society we don't proclaim normal sexual orientation - so many events revolve around it! Those who differ from it want to do the same things.

The OP describes a "process" of "coming out" and is clearly well entrenched in her new lifestyle.

We have to assume how she "came out" since she gives no details but the evidence certainly points to it being rather more involved than casually mentioning she's been to a cool restaurant date. Furiously typing away on someone else's thread to defend your assumption that she's a poor victim who has behaved impeccably and hasn't made anybody uncomfortable is.... an interesting choice.

People generally think 'whatever you do behind closed doors is your business' as long as it's consensual.

People are less interested in hearing the sordid details.

You don’t have to assume anything. Why would you need to?

I will ‘furiously type away’ on absolutely anything I want to. I don’t care if you find it interesting or not.

I rather miss the old fashioned concept of a private life. You know, remaining private.

Ain’t that the truth.

Why is it okay for you to assume and not others?

It's very clear you aren't concerned with being interesting.

I don't even understand your response to me here. Is it what you think, or is it not? Do you think?

You certainly do seem quite angry.....

And yes I would love a medal, thank you! Don't think I'll be giving you my address for you to pop it in the post to me, though.....

@HellonHeels The time and emotional effort needed to work this out! How can you not get bored picking over the relationship minutiae?**
We don't spend a lot of time picking over our relationships because, for the most part, it works fine. If someone is feeling hurt, we discuss it. Isn't that how most healthy adult relationships work?

Do you not invest time and emotional effort to support the people you care about when they're upset?

That made me laugh out loud! 🤣

Farcebook lol brilliant

She clearly says she wants people to want to talk about it more, and that she wants validation.
I think many people are coming from where I am, in that it's not unusual for those of us who were in our 20' s in the 90s and before. As I said, one of my oldest and best friends was in a poly relationship 30 years ago. I knew another couple of acquaintances too. In just an ordinary suburban London group of people. No one ' shunned them. But no one was bothered about it enough to talk about it. The only difference between now and then was that they didn't make out they were extra special and enlightened, they respected our monogamous relationships and they didn't co opt the language of gay people, who really face oppression for something they can do nothing about. And yes, it would be fine for someone to say ' I don't give a shit'. They probably wouldn't though. They'd say ' that's nice' and actually not give a shit.

Anyone is welcome to find it hurtful. I've lost friends over the years like most people. Yes it hurts, at some point you get over it.
It's not comprehension that's missing, its knowledge that life goes on, more friendships will occur and fail.

It is life.

We cant tell OP why she lost friends, we can guess it's a lot like the vegan who will not shut up, ever, about their veganism. But it's just a guess.

I came out as vegetarian at work the other day...
So you sleep with multiple men who you find attractive. For some reason you feel you need to share this with the world. People probably have no clue what to say because- no one cares.

(removed)

Wow, this exploded into a far more popular thread than I thought!

A few answers for those who are curious:
Both men have met but we go out separately and they don’t go out just the two of them. I would be absolutely ok with that too but neither has expressed interest in doing so.

More partners would also be acceptable, my boyfriend goes on dates with other women and I encouraged my fiancée to do so as well but at the moment he is not interested. We have agreed to keep each other informed of any romantic relationships whether it be just a dinner date or something more.

Marriage - I am questioning myself in much the same way some of you have asked me as to why I still want marriage whilst having a fiancée and a boyfriend. The only answer I found so far is that I really do want to marry my fiancée, and that I love both my fiancée and my boyfriend and that’s about it.

The relationships are not equal, and everyone involved knows that they are not equal - we have discussed it from the start and check in with each other periodically that we’re all still ok with how things are.

I’m not quite young, fast approaching 40…

About the phrase ‘coming out’, I see now that that was the wrong choice of words and I do apologise to everyone who I offended - it was not meant in that way. As to creating drama - I honestly wanted the exact opposite and maybe by overthinking and overanalysing created a much bigger issue in my head than exists in reality. So I will take all of your advice on board and stop worrying about it and also not tell any more people than I have already unless they ask.

To those saying it’s all about sex - it really isn’t, I won’t go into the details but sex is really a small part in both of my relationships, and whilst it’s an important small part it is really not the central point.

One thing I disagree with some people is that poly is a lifestyle choice - I don’t think it is just that, but I can also see why some people think so/why it is a lifestyle choice for others.

Peace and thank you for your thoughts ✌️

Personally, I am not against poly relationships in themselves and over the misery of often exclusive relationships people saddle themselves for life over, it makes sense people can enjoy connection in different ways but as well I just feel there's this equality poly thing, too to consider. Why marry if you're poly?