Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

I think people are conditioned socially, culturally, or religiously to adhere to certain norms. In some cultures polyamory is the norm. Social norms change over time. There was a time people wouldn't want to be associated with an unwed mother, or a homosexuals. Unwed mothers were assumed to be women of loose morals - grim and sleazy like some of the words used by PPs. These issues also went through phases where people knew, but didn't want to acknowledge it, or talk about it. Polyamory is still something that may make a lot of people uncomfortable because we haven't been conditioned to accept it as a norm, even though we are getting around to accepting that there are many ways to live one's life. If it's not illegal and doesn't hurt anyone, it doesn't bother me how anyone lives theirs. But if you don't want people to cut you off and these friendships are important to you, then taking into account that they've not been conditioned to accept your lifestyle as a norm yet and keeping it to yourself may be the only thing to do.

You tell me. You seem to have them sussed.

Do you see them separately, or are you bringing two men to family gatherings etc?

I would definitely not want to know if my (married) best friend was into any of those. I wouldn’t stop being good friends but I really wouldn’t want to know. I have no interest in her sex life no matter how adventurous or vanilla.

She posted looking for opinions, otherwise why post? And it’s clear that lots of posters have had similar experiences, so it’s just a suggestion based on that.

I can’t seem to work out the difference between a polyamorous relationship and an open one. Are they just the same thing with a fancier name?

The practical (and health) problem with these type of relationships over monogamous ones is the multiplication of different partners; so three people could become five (gf each for the two guys), those gf (assuming they are not being kept in the dark about the polyamory) get an extra bf each, those bf get an extra gf each and on it goes. It must get very complicated at times as even polyamorous people must be susceptible to deeper feelings for one person over another.

It’s been a loud and resounding ‘who cares? Just crack on’, with some other choice insults and, frankly, nasty words thrown in (eg ‘who gives a shit?’) which entirely disregards that someone may be going through a difficult time. In no other circumstances would someone be told ‘who gives a shit, just crack on’ when they are being blacklisted by friends and family. It’s sort of hard to crack on with life when that’s happening I imagine. It must be very very upsetting. But because the subject is polyamory, this forum decides it’s ok to treat her like she doesn’t matter.

The ‘reasons’ people are giving are based on no evidence other than the judgements they make of polyamorous people in general (again on this thread: sleazy, self absorbed, grubby, etc). They don’t know OP – at all.

Let’s not pretend that you knew exactly how this forum is treating her, solely because she’s polyamorous.

This! I don't really care about other people's sex lives as long as they're not in an abusive situation. There's no "coming out" needed, you're not gay/bi, just live your life. "Coming out" is attention seeking and gets people's backs up because straight people are now co-opting the struggles of gay people!

I've only read OP's replies, but are you talking about her? Nowhere has she said she's been ' cut out' just that no one is asking her about her sex life! Why is she telling her family about her sex life? Why does she want her friends to ask about it? What is there to say? Who's better? Do you do vanilla with one and other stuff with the other ones? Do they shag each other?
She wants people to be interested in her sex life or be shocked about it. It's not unusual or that interesting to most people. Nor is she unique.

People are not obligated to support any and all lifestyle choices.

“Otherstories2002 · Today 10:36
Polyamory is a lifestyle choice. It is not a sexual orientation. Your wording of this post suggests a basic misunderstanding on that - that will certainly prickle some people.

also consider no one cares? It’s weird that you feel the need to tell people you’re basically having sex with multiple people.”

This. DH and I had an open relationship for some years. Hardly anyone knew because hardly anyone needed to know.

Also what you describe places you at the centre of this 3. How will you feel if and when your fiancé or your BF gets someone else? There is nothing in your posts which suggests you have thought of this.

Also, some of your friends may be a bit nervous that your apparently different approach to boundaries in relationships might mean you would be willing to make a play for their BFs. (This is probably not the case, but it is one reason why DH and I scarcely mentioned our open relationship to anyone - to avoid causing unnecessary alarm).

In her OP: some people have “cut all contact with us due to our life choices”.

Is she talking about her sex life or introducing people to her partner? Something everyone does with their nearest and dearest.

That doesn’t mean it’s not hurtful when they cut contact with you over it.

Why? Isn’t it enough having one person that misses the toilet bowl?

People are very disingenuous. I wish so many people really didn't care about lifestyle choices but many single people, childfree people, people with 1 child & people with many children can tell you otherwise.

Then on top of that they love to push their own very normal lifestyle events on you with wedding invites - surely if a partner is your private business why are you inviting people to celebrate this? Same with baby announcements, reveals etc etc (apparently no one needs to know or cares about your partner and you having sex).

Can we stop putting Polyamory under the same banner as e.g. homosexuality or bisexuality? It’s actually somewhat offensive to do so.

Being gay or Bi isn’t something people choose. They just are gay or bi, whereas being polyamorous essentially means that you have no desire to remain faithful in a relationship. It’s no more complicated than consenting adultery. You don’t want to be committed to one person, so you tell that person you’re going to shag who and when and where you want under the guise of being polyamorous.

That’s fine. People can do what they want and as long as all parties are consenting then it’s none of anyone else’s business.

But equally nobody needs (and for the most part. Wants) to be told that their friend/family member shags around.

Would I cut someone off for it? No. But would I consider any of their relationships to be serious ones? Absolutely not. As far as I was concerned it would just be a case of someone having the occasional partner here and there, certainly I don’t believe that any of these relationships are serious ones or that there is any real emotion involved.

The word polyamory sound so twee to me and romanticises having your cake and eating it. That said, having your cake and eating it isn’t illegal in this case, so do what works for you.
I think the situation you describe sounds right for the 3 of you if you’re all definitely on board, the boyfriend in particular. I’d be more concerned if a man posted this, because of the gender power imbalance.

The OP asked about why people would respond in this way to her polyamory and overwhelmingly the answer has been "we don't have any interest in hearing about your sex life."

That's not making judgments about polyamrous people, that's saying someone's relationship preferences aren't generally of interest to others. (If you think "we don't give a shit" is nasty, I suggest you need thicker skin to engage on here.) Why would dating two blokes mean OP is "going through a tough time"?

As for self-absorbed - to think people would find it interesting to discuss the minutiae of your single or monogomous or polyamorous state is to be rather self-absorbed. It has no relevance to anyone else. Have fun in the manner of your choosing.

You keep bringing up the peole who have "cut her off." Maybe she kept banging on (excuse the pun) about her polyamorous 'identity' and her friends or family found it boring or prurient. The kinks, quirks, preferences or relationship statuses of other adults I am not trying to date, shag, hook up with in any way are of none of my damned business.

I rather miss the old fashioned concept of a private life. You know, remaining private.

Then as that old saying goes, they weren't really your friends. Go get some new ones.

It is, but it's self inflicted really. It's attention seeking nonsense that's bound to end badly, it's not something I'd be interested in supporting.

Yes, sorry, I re read it but it was too late to edit. It still seems like most people either were supportive or couldnt give a toss. You can't expect everyone to offer a round of applause to you if they feel uncomfortable about something or you are constantly banging on about it and theyve got sick of it. My best friend from childhood became quite a militant vegan (joining a terrorist organisation level of militant) Before she did this, she used to go on and on about it, even though I never ate meat in front of her and listened to her talk about it, all the time. It got extremely tedious. I cut her off when I had my first child and I just didn't have time for her ranting ( which also included anti- natalism). What does she want to do? Force everyone to have the same opinion of her choices? Most people were supportive. Some didn't like it do they chose to remove themselves from the situation.

Respecting their privacy? What? I don't mean that we talk about sex issues. But yeah, if a good friend starts seeing someone new then it's normal to talk about it. If they are in the beginning to date and not sure how they feel about it, we talk about it. We also talk about difficulties in our relationships. I don't see that as a violation of privacy, I see it as supporting my friends through difficult times. Why should women have to endure the bad behaviour of men in silence?

@Didimum, you seem really keen to make this into a situation where we are all saying the OP is some disgusting sex obsessed pervert because we are judgemental cows who hate polyamory/don't understand it.

Hardly anyone has actually expressed disapproval of her lifestyle choices.

Loads of us, myself included, have been "polyamorous" at one point or another, except we didn't call it that. That might be swinging, having a thruple, dating multiple people, having a number of FBs, even cheating, whatever.....

Some people are solely monogamous but loads of us haven't been. It's not that we judge her for having a fiance and a boyfriend.

It's just that the language she uses to describe her situation ("coming out") is offensive. And she seems to demand a level of engagement with her activities from family and friends that people don't have time to give....

When I had a more sexually adventuruous lifestyle, my mom for example knew about it, but she didn't want to know in any detail, and why should she? Just like I wouldn't need to know if and when my own daughter makes those choices. Sex is a private matter. Fine, you will have a few good mates you can chat to about it hopefully, but you don't need the world's involvement. That's all!

I imagine this is true.

I have an old boss who was poly. She had her girlfriend who she lived with and then she had a boyfriend and her ex husband she ended up sleeping with too.

I imagine lots of people had opinions but she was so casual about it all that no one really had time or an inclination to react.

I remember the boyfriend would bring her mom and girlfriend flowers on Valentine's Day which was sweet.

It wasn't for me but not my relationship.

I don't think it brings up insecurities unless they are already there. I will never share my partner with anyone. Poly doesn't appeal to either of us. We're both way too possessive.