Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

People are threatened and judgy when it comes to anything outside of 'the norm'.

'Threatened and judgy' or just not as adoring and in awe of the kool special people as they want?...

Sounds like you have all got this stuff down! Well done. Poly is hard to navigate. Sounds like your a great communicator.

Totally get why you want to get married (congratulations!). I am the same. Married but with a few boyfriends. Like your fiancee my dh is also not that interested. I nagged him to get involved. Now he's got one other partner and regularly moans about how difficult scheduling is between his loving wife and adoring mistress. Pray for him...

I'm really grateful you started this brave thread.

Brave? April Fools was yesterday 🤣

“One thing I disagree with some people is that poly is a lifestyle choice - I don’t think it is just that, but I can also see why some people think so/why it is a lifestyle choice for others.”

Agree with you on this, OP.

To the poster who hasn’t seen a poly relationship last 20 years - I’ve been living with my primary partner longer than that, and have another partner of a number of years standing, and a couple of other people I’ve been dating for a year or two.

But you wouldn’t know it, because from the outside, I look monogamous with my cohabiting partner. And I wouldn’t dream of saying otherwise to 90%+ of the posters on this thread, given their feelings of disdain for non monogamy. Not just “it wouldn’t be for me” in their posts, but active disdain.

And it’s perfectly possible to have hierarchy in polyamory, as long as everyone knows and is ok with this. The people I date also have primary partners of their own, as it happens.

Good luck with your friends and relationships, OP!

@PansyPolly why isn't it a lifestyle choice to choose to shag multiple partners?

Yes but what about the socks?

Your poor fiancé, who doesn’t want to go on any dates, and is accepting you going off with the other bloke. It’s highly possible your fiancé isn’t really into it and just wants to keep you in his life at the moment.

Really you ought to question whether you have his full and enthusiastic consent in this set up if he’s not interested in being poly, just going along with it for you.

You know, full consent matters.

Honestly I don't want to know about anyone's sex life - cringe.

I'm not that interested in people's relationships either. All my life friendships have been about each other. I don't usually have friends who want to get all up in my business or want to talk about their relationship all the time.

With close friends we can always talk about relationships with each other, but it's not what the friendship is based on.

Most people are probably not at all interested

I think that may be because the English one is the 'original' boyfriend (I'm assuming as a fiancée) and perhaps his family feel like he's being manipulated into this? Were you guys in a traditional relationship and then the other guy introduced? Of course it would be easier for the friends and family of new guy to accept because they never knew it any other way.

Answer: threatened and judgy.

No judgement here, some people are horndogs - all fine if they play nice.

What I find fascinating is many poly people, lile the OP, marry one partner. Which seems to suggest they do values some sort of monogamy, they like the safety of "locking down" at least one partner.

I wondered this too, with the update that he doesn’t have other partners.

@FreeSpiritPixie Can I ask which of you suggested having a poly relationship, and was it something that was part of the relationship at the start, or happened later? Did you get engaged before or after the decision to have another partner?

Why the threatened? I can see why the judgy. Do you think secretly everyone wants to be in a poly relationship or is worried their partner is a 'horndog' (good description @Ginmonkeyagain!) and wants one?

Most of us are just bored of having to listen to people talk about their sex lives.

Crack on. Why do you need approval. You've got a fiance and a boyfriend. This is a bit contradictory for a start. You want justification for your bizarre choices. But don't seem to like it if folk make negative comments.

Threatened is to fear something. For many different reasons. Not to necessarily fear it threatens your direct relationship. Perhaps it’s threatening to one’s sense of how they believe the world should operate and how they believe others should behave. Who knows.

Regardless, I didn’t come up with ‘threatened and judgy’, I just answered the question.

If you were my friend and you told me you were in love with both Derek and Bernard and had decided to be in a relationship with both and they were fine with it, I'd not bat an eyelid. (Well, OK, maybe a flutter of surprise, but minimal)
If you were my friend and you told me (without any irony) that you had been on quite a journey that had led to you coming out in your new identity of polygamourity then I'd think you were pretentious. If you persisted in boring on about this apparant journey and the discrimination you faced, I'd think you self centred, insensitive to those who do face discrimination in the genuine sense of the word, and would probably think you weren't my type of person.
If you asked me if you could bring Derek and Bernard to my wedding, if numbers allowed and you intended just to come along and enjoy the day, no problem. If however you attended and spent the day banging on to everyone about your specialness, then I'd not be keen to have you at my events in future.

Aren’t we just? Remember the days when people had private lives and didn’t feel the need to announce every tiny thing to the world? I miss that

Weird that OP hasn’t mentioned sex at all – other than to say she doesn’t have much of it. Really bizarre.

Have I mentioned sex then? Not sure why that’s relevant to my comment as I’m talking generally

I haven’t read the full thread (because it’s long and I’m on holiday 😂) but I don’t care what others do if everyone is consenting. I’m not very interested.

What I don’t understand though is the idea of ‘coming out’ as if being polyamorous is a thing that you can be- a difference in your brain like straight/gay/bi. Surely it’s a choice, a behaviour? Anyone could have multiple partners. Lots of people would probably like to. But many choose monogamy (some happily, some less so). Personally I wouldn’t have the time or energy for more than one partner, but if others do, it’s none of my business. 🤷🏼‍♀️

It’s relevant because you agreed to someone’s comment saying it was boring to hear about someone’s sex life.

@Didimum , are you actually @FreeSpiritPixie‘s mum?

You are relentlessly judging everyone who replies to the OP in anything other than fawning terms. You ascribe meanness to everyone’s motives. You’re defensive and keep characterising the OP as being hurt or vulnerable.

She has a boyfriend and a fiancé. She describes this as a journey and seeks validation and interest from others (including posting here).

Most posters explain they aren’t remotely interested in the “journey” to “polyamory” because we’re older and we’ve seen this often without it needing a name or being an identity. It’s not interesting or original and it’s definitely none of our business.

Other people’s “journeys” are like other people’s dreams - of interest only to the teller.