Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

Well done.enjoy.now you've given
yourself a big pat on back fight for climate justice and equality.More interesting and nit all about me me me

But why would anyone expect others to be "supportive" of one's sexual activites? It's not like "coming out of the closet" , there's nothing "brave" about non exclusive shagging.

What do you want? A round of applause?

I strongly suspect that the reason why people back away from the OP is that she keeps banging on about her sex life and her family and friends are bored to sobs.

You sound like you want a pat on the back or something. I honestly don’t care what you get up to but why make such a bloody fuss just get on with it and own it.’

This. ^ Many people who do things deemed as unconventional/not what the masses do, always have to shout from the rooftops about it. They think they're sooooo 'youneek,' and oh so speshul and random and quirky.

See also, (most) vegans.

No-one gives a shit babes! 😎

I don’t really know anything about this but interested to know how it works.
Is it a sexual relationship between 3 people or is it 2 separate sexual relationships?

I don't think it's a case you are asking people to let you live and let live, you are asking people to participate, for example would I have 3 people on a wedding invitation or if I had a barbecue would you expect 3 people to be invited? You have already established a hierarchy in this relationship with one described as a boyfriend and one as fiancee.
Most couples I know have been together for over 20 years, to think that there isn't a phase in life when you don't get on would be unrealistic. I can't imagine factoring another person in the wings when that happens

I agree with this. I'd be distancing myself from it all. Too much like bloody hard work.

I'm just re-watching the (always excellent) Louis Theroux documentary. Just as uncomfortable this time around as it was first time. Self-absorbed eejits, with every relationship having a dominant partner and a down-trodden misery who puts up with the dregs they are thrown rather than have nothing.

What do I think she wants? For people not to cut her out, perhaps? As she describes they’ve done? Very baffling that you think friends cutting you out wouldn’t bother or upset someone.

I strongly suspect that the reason why people back away from the OP is that she keeps banging on about her sex life

Evidence for this? There isn’t any. You just think you know because you think you’ve got the character of anyone polyamorous down.

I suspect that most people don't give a fuck (no pun intended) what you do with your private life. Why would you even tell them? Let's face it: we don't really know what anyone is doing behind closed doors. Some of the married people I know are bound to be swingers or bisexual or furbies (or whatever you call them). What the hell has it got to do with me?

Expecting people not to cut you out isn’t asking for a pat on the back.

Can you honestly not fathom why it would bother and upset someone to be cut out?

They give enough of a fuck to cut her out don’t they? Sounds like giving a fuck to me. Or did you miss the part where she said people had cut her out and she was hurt by it?

Why wouldn’t she tell them? Have you never introduced someone to your partner before?

If you use phrases like ‘coming out’ and ‘looking back all the signs were there’, I’d just think you were an attention seeker, talking crap, and keep my distance in all honesty

Yes. This.

I must admit to being a bit eye-rolly about PA. I was once involved in a social group who were trying to make it the norm at least amongst themselves and never stopped smugly looking down on monogamous folk, but they must have been terrible at it because a lot peoples feelings were hurt. I know the different people give you different things theory but they all still seemed to want the person who was hottest and most interesting. So there were like two queen bee girls who were super happy and everyone else timesharing them lol

Evidence for this? There isn’t any. You just think you know because you think you’ve got the character of anyone polyamorous down

No, just many many years experience of the tediously self absorbed...........

PS
What is the "character" of a polyamorous person? Do they have defining characteristics?

Or is it that they just go on and on and on about it?

Some of the married people I know are bound to be swingers or bisexual or furbies (or whatever you call them)

TBF if someone I knew was a furry I would absolutely want to know about it because I have MANY MANY questions

Jealousy? Bloody hell - having one man hanging around all the time is bad enough. Imagine if, as soon as you got rid of one of them for an hour or two, the other one appeared! 🙄

This made me laugh out loud in the hairdresser's

Exactly this.

Oldskool hippie 'Communes' were all about ''Free love'' and were hotbeds of drama and jealousy - Couldn't think of anything worse!

The last thing I need to hear about someone is who they are having sex with when I meet them.

''Polyamorous'' or just likes multiple sexual partners? Can't see a difference.

None of my business what they get up to.

There aren’t any – but you and plenty of other judgemental, nasty pieces of work certainly think you know all the secrets!

You are trying much too hard to be Opressed.
And what "secrets" are you going on about now?

Someone ''came out'' as Pansexual a few years ago on Farcebook.

You can imagine the arguments that took place.

People were saying ''There can only be men and women - there are no more types to have sex with , as true ambiguous genitalia is very rare'' &c.

It was more about the announcement of ''Pan''

''I'm Pansexual'' while waiting for the comments to roll in. {Which, back then they did}.

Pre PANdemic.

I’m not polyamorous, so not sure what sort of oppression you think I’m trying to sport.

Regardless, perhaps dig deep and try to find a nook of your brain where you can understand that someone may find it hurtful to be cut out by friends and family. It’s not difficult.

It's completely up to you what you choose to do as long as you are not harming anyone.

From personal experience, I have known a few people who have said they were in polyamorous relationships, but they were actually quite confused and were being mistreated/ abused and ending up in situations they weren't entirely comfortable with. It was very complicated.

So, if someone quite young/ inexperienced in relationships told me this, depending on who else was involved, I might be a bit concerned - just because of my personal experience. But it depends entirely on the people and the situation.

There aren’t any – but you and plenty of other judgemental, nasty pieces of work certainly think you know all the secrets!

So there are no special characteristics, but there are secrets?

What about if your 2 fellas decide they'd like another woman each. Next thing you're feeling forgotten about and your smear test comes back with high risk cell changes. Will it still be a special lifestyle then I wonder.

Regardless, perhaps dig deep and try to find a nook of your brain where you can understand that someone may find it hurtful to be cut out by friends and family. It’s not difficult.

Nobody has said it wouldn't be hurtful though!
I and others were suggesting the reason why friends and family have backed away!