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Original poster

Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

461 replies

FreeSpiritPixie · 02/04/2024 01:54

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

OP posts:
beAsensible1 · 02/04/2024 13:52

Hi OP,

sorry some people are being a bit nasty.

If it works for you guys that's great, I don't think you need to come out just be and if it comes up naturally in conversation be honest.
In british culture i think generally 'coming out' about your relationship status for most people would be a bit full on.

Any friends or family who you've lost is ok. For a lot of people things outside of the norm are a threat or distasteful.

Having come from a polygamous culture and having family who've grown up with polygamous parents its really not that dramatic or interesting if I'm being honest.

Conkerqueen · 02/04/2024 13:52

Can I ask a question without sounding in any way negative because it’s a genuine question. When you say “all the signs were there” what do you mean by that?

DoreenonTill8 · 02/04/2024 13:54

PinotPony · 02/04/2024 13:38

@DoreenonTill8 What if both were free and wanted to attend? Draw straws or tell your friend to make more food?

🤣 Can just imagine my best mate rolling her eyes as I walk in with them both!

Honestly.. we'd just figure it out. How would you invite your friends out if you had a spare theatre ticket? You'd ask who wanted to go and then just decide who was going with you. Or you'd ask them one at a time. No need for anyone to get grumpy or feel left out, if you're spending enough quality time with everyone. As I said, exactly the same as maintaining a friendship group. 🤷🏼‍♀️

And what if that started an argument with both insisting you take only them?

Ttcagainnow · 02/04/2024 13:54

Once in a committed relationship, I can't imagine wanting to also be in another relationship. I feel it would end up with someone getting hurt. What you do sexually as consenting adults wouldn't bother me. So long as no children are brought into it!

Didimum · 02/04/2024 13:54

Rachie1973 · 02/04/2024 13:13

Urgh. You don’t ‘come out’ with sexual preferences.

All the flowery language about journies and signs is just drama. You live with 2 men. You’re all happy. End of. Why does it need to be ‘navigated’ or discussed.

You do you.

Show quote history

Perhaps because some of her friends and/or family are non supportive? Funny how that might bother someone.

Didimum · 02/04/2024 13:58

Mischance · 02/04/2024 13:11

I am not accusing this person of being sleazy or grubby, I am simply saying she should just get on with it with as much respect as possible for those with whom she becomes involved.

I think it is a kindness to her to point out that she is simply making too much of this and causing herself "difficulty" when none is needed. Just get on with it.

She’s had people cut her cut of their lives. It’s very very strange if you think someone wouldn’t be upset by that. It’s rather hard to ‘get on with’ something when others, presumably some of her friends, are blacklisting you.

Didimum · 02/04/2024 13:59

Rachie1973 · 02/04/2024 13:13

Urgh. You don’t ‘come out’ with sexual preferences.

All the flowery language about journies and signs is just drama. You live with 2 men. You’re all happy. End of. Why does it need to be ‘navigated’ or discussed.

You do you.

Show quote history

If people you were close to chose to cut you out of their lives, do you not think that’s something you’d wish to navigate or discuss?

LenaLamont · 02/04/2024 14:02

FreeSpiritPixie · 02/04/2024 02:05

I guess I’d like the people that actively ask, as I don’t really offer the information on my private life unless I’m asked about it and then I don’t want to lie, to accept it as my choice and not dismiss it as a phase or as something entirely insane

Show quote history

You wanted honest responses - quite honestly, OP, why would anyone give a shit?

I don't care about my friends' sexual orientation, and they don't care about mine. It's irrelevant, as we are in stable relationships and aren't looking to sleep with/reject each other.

I also don't care abut whether they are single or in relationships or otherwise, beyond wanting them to be happy and fulfilled. What on earth could it have to do with me?

If you're in a ployamorous relationship and it makes you happy, good on you. If you are in a gay or straight relationship, ditto. If you are contentedly single, all power to your elbow.

As you get older you realise your sexuality and relationship are not of interest to anyone but yourself and your partner(s). Expecting people to react positively or negatively is a bit self-absorbed. Just get on with being you.

99victoria · 02/04/2024 14:16

Jealousy? Bloody hell - having one man hanging around all the time is bad enough. Imagine if, as soon as you got rid of one of them for an hour or two, the other one appeared! 🙄

SabreIsMyFave · 02/04/2024 14:16

Oneofthesurvivors · 02/04/2024 13:19

Oh mumsnet never change, keep judging people for shit you know nothing about and don't understand.

Thanks for the permission to keep judging people, but I don't need it ta. I will go on judging without yours - or anyone else's 'permission.' As you were ...😎

Fulfordfluff · 02/04/2024 14:18

Agree with pps. So you have a bit on the side… why do you need to tell all your friends about it?

LenaLamont · 02/04/2024 14:19

VampireWeekday · 02/04/2024 10:11

I don't really get all these "TMI, move swiftly along, people don't want to know" comments. Me and my friends pass hours of our lives dissecting our love lives over glasses of wine, isn't this normal between women? If my friend has a new boyfriend, we talk about it. We actually don't talk about sex all that much, but every other aspect is fair game. If my friend has a new boyfriend and is poly, I'll talk about it just the same.

Sure, it was normal in our teens and early 20s. Then we moved on to other things.

Recently a number of friends started online dating following divorces or break ups. We share a laugh over bad dates or ridiculously over-embellished dating profiles, but that's about it. We grew up, and our private lives are private.

It's just not that interesting a subject once your hormones aren't raging and you're not in the adreneline hit of The New. We have other things to talk about over many bottles glasses of wine.

upthehills1 · 02/04/2024 14:22

Didimum · 02/04/2024 13:58

She’s had people cut her cut of their lives. It’s very very strange if you think someone wouldn’t be upset by that. It’s rather hard to ‘get on with’ something when others, presumably some of her friends, are blacklisting you.

Show quote history

We don’t really know why friends have backed off. The experience of a lot of posters is that people in poly relationships are the ones making a big song and dance about it.

Going on about how free spirited she is and making being poly her entire personality would make me back off. It’s basically like being vegan - ill cater for it, but please don’t go on and on about it.

Winnading · 02/04/2024 14:26

Giraffapuses · 02/04/2024 13:20

Hi we are poly too. I suspect people struggle with the questions it raises in their own relationships. Poly is extremely confronting and forces you to discuss and acknowledge issues, desires and needs that can alter your relationships with existing partners in good and difficult ways.

On the other side. A lot of poly culture is really irritating. But of course that's my personal opinion.

It doesn't raise any questions in my relationships, it's not confronting to me. I have no need to discuss it, I currently have no other desires (thanks menopause) and no needs that aren't met already. In the dim and distant past I too have shagged around. Or two-timing as it was called then. I didnt feel that i needed to share this fact back then, i wasnt embarrassed by my behaviour, I had no reason to talk about it, no one would have cared, bar the two men I was shagging. Which brings us to, I really just dont care, not many people do.

Sorry this offends OP, but why would anyone think it was interesting and need details? We can all imagine what it's like with two men on the go, a fair chunk of the population will just think, fuck that, who needs energy sapping shit like that.

Didimum · 02/04/2024 14:28

upthehills1 · 02/04/2024 14:22

We don’t really know why friends have backed off. The experience of a lot of posters is that people in poly relationships are the ones making a big song and dance about it.

Going on about how free spirited she is and making being poly her entire personality would make me back off. It’s basically like being vegan - ill cater for it, but please don’t go on and on about it.

Show quote history

Why wouldn’t she ‘go on’ about it in her post? It’s literally the subject of it and it’s something that’s bothering her.

“We don’t really know” – exactly, yet you clearly feel the acute desire to diagnose every aspect of her character. Hilarious.

stargirl1701 · 02/04/2024 14:31

@ExtraOnions

You are misunderstanding statistics. The life expectancy of 35 is massively skewed by infant mortality which was horrific. If you survived childhood, you would survive beyond 35.

MyNameIsFine · 02/04/2024 14:35

Winnading · 02/04/2024 14:26

It doesn't raise any questions in my relationships, it's not confronting to me. I have no need to discuss it, I currently have no other desires (thanks menopause) and no needs that aren't met already. In the dim and distant past I too have shagged around. Or two-timing as it was called then. I didnt feel that i needed to share this fact back then, i wasnt embarrassed by my behaviour, I had no reason to talk about it, no one would have cared, bar the two men I was shagging. Which brings us to, I really just dont care, not many people do.

Sorry this offends OP, but why would anyone think it was interesting and need details? We can all imagine what it's like with two men on the go, a fair chunk of the population will just think, fuck that, who needs energy sapping shit like that.

Show quote history

This thread is hilarious, isn't it? Suggest people who don't have two on the go are just too boring/cowardly/lacking in self-knowledge to address their own insecurities. I wonder why people might back off? 🤔

Herewegoagain84 · 02/04/2024 14:48

It’s the validation you’re looking for that’s the problem. What reaction do you want? What level of interest / questions are you seeking? Most people just won’t care, or want to know anything more about it. If you’re happy in your own skin / with your own choices, why does it matter? Just get on with it.

Pireck · 02/04/2024 14:54

The majority of people wouldn't have time for more than one relationship shop because they have to work full time and/or have children. But I imagine for someone who doesn't have much else going on it's probably more workable. People who are emotionally stable only need romantic relationships with one person, as they can get different things from different friends. But my god, the idea is having a spouse and a bit on the side isn't a new invention by any means, for any sex or culture.

justasking111 · 02/04/2024 14:55

Well I hope they're both useful re DIY gardening 😂

needsomewarmsunshine · 02/04/2024 14:55

NRFT it's your life and your choice, that's excellent that you are being yourself. But who cares what your sexuality is and how many people you sleep with?
Telling people [like on here] sounds a bit attention seeking, oh, look at me i'm so out there. No one gives a toss irl.

SophieinParis · 02/04/2024 14:58

I think most people are “polyamorous” tbh. But the majority of people prefer to stick to one as it’s less complicated, both logistically and emotionally, kinder, easier to manage with children, and leaves more time for pursuing pastimes other than your relationships. So a lot of people would see your choice to have more than one partner as simply a way of legitimising cheating. A but like if you came out a sex addict. I think most people probably think it’s a bit silly, a bit TMI and quite cringe. So that’s why they don’t seem accepting.

HollyKnight · 02/04/2024 14:59

Do people really care that much? Other than thinking "well, that's different" I can't imagine anyone giving it much thought. Your talk about coming out makes it sound like you think this is a sexuality rather than a lifestyle choice. It screams a bit Daffyd 'The only gay in the village' Thomas in Little Britain.

PinotPony · 02/04/2024 14:59

@DoreenonTill8 And what if that started an argument with both insisting you take only them?*

Well I don't much care for any man insisting that I do anything but I'd want to understand why they were upset, what was causing the issue? We'd have an open and honest conversation about it just like a monogamous couple, and try to find a solution.

Let's assume Partner A was jealous of Partner B. Because non-monogamous people do get jealous sometimes... it's a perfectly normal emotion! I'd ask where that emotion was coming from. It's usually either from an insecurity ("He's richer/ younger/ more attractive than me") and/or from a fear of losing something ("She's going to dump me.") It would be down to me to reassure them that nobody is "better" than the other, that they're just as valued and wanted. And I'd want to know what they needed from me... more time... more attention?

It's really no different to navigating any other relationship. You just have to be very honest with each other about how you're feeling and what you need. I've found that people in ENM dynamics are often better at having those tough and frank conversations because one simply can't negotiate multiple relationships without having that ability,