Polyamory - why is it so difficult for people to live & let live?

[FreeSpiritPixie]

Long time lurker, first thread poster here…
so I have recently (in the last year) realised that I’m polyamorous. It’s been quite the journey to get to this point, and I’m extremely lucky that I have two wonderful men who both support me in this. Looking back all the signs were there and I’m also lucky that I had some poly friends to help
me navigate in all these realisations. My big question, aside from the two relationships that I have, is why is it so so so difficult for other people to be ok with it? I’m still in the process of coming out as poly to my friends and so far both myself and my partners have had the whole spectrum - certain people have been incredibly supportive and wonderful, some couldn’t get it but were happy for us as long as we were happy and some have pretty much cut all contact with us because of our choices… whilst I always knew this was likely to happen, I still struggle to understand why some people take such offence to my choice to live my life as I see fit. We are not lying to anyone, we don’t ask anyone else to enter this lifestyle as different things work for different people, and we don’t have/don’t plan on having children whereby there could be many more things to consider. So it’s quite literally me and my fiancée and my boyfriend. And we are all on the same page. So why is it so difficult for some people to at the very least be ok with us making different choices to them? I’d love to say that it doesn’t matter to us and in many ways it doesn’t, but the judgement still hurts, even if we work through it.

It probably isn’t if your partners are sexually healthy. But I’d be wary personally.

I am not accusing this person of being sleazy or grubby, I am simply saying she should just get on with it with as much respect as possible for those with whom she becomes involved.

I think it is a kindness to her to point out that she is simply making too much of this and causing herself "difficulty" when none is needed. Just get on with it.

Urgh. You don’t ‘come out’ with sexual preferences.

All the flowery language about journies and signs is just drama. You live with 2 men. You’re all happy. End of. Why does it need to be ‘navigated’ or discussed.

You do you.

Oh mumsnet never change, keep judging people for shit you know nothing about and don't understand.

Hi we are poly too. I suspect people struggle with the questions it raises in their own relationships. Poly is extremely confronting and forces you to discuss and acknowledge issues, desires and needs that can alter your relationships with existing partners in good and difficult ways.

On the other side. A lot of poly culture is really irritating. But of course that's my personal opinion.

It's interesting that posters are drawing a distinction between relationships and friendships. For me, those are one and the same. I certainly wouldn't want to be having sex with somebody I didn't like and care for as a friend. I like to think I treat my partners and friends with respect, whether or not I'm sleeping with them.

Dating more than one person can be logistically challenging but no more so than maintaining close friendships. It just takes a bit of organising of diaries.

When it comes to attending events or having dinner at a platonic mate's house, there isn't a "favourite" man or "flavour of the month" who I'd invite over another. I don't rate or prioritise partners, any more than I do my friends. I'd simply ask who was available and wanted to join me.

I understand that monogamous folk choose one person to put "above" everyone else. That's just not how I approach my circle of connections... they're all equally important to me. They all add value to my life in different ways, as I hope I do to them. And surely that's the crux of it... how you treat the people surrounding you, not how many of them you invite in..?

Of course. The reason OP's friends are not "supportive" is because they are jealous.

It was ever thus on MN. People s are always accused of being jealous of the most uncomfortable situations. Is my neighbour jealous because I have 15 beautiful children? No. No, she is not.😂

I think it's significant that you're not even a year into actively living this way. It's been a long journey for you to get even to that stage, you can't expect other people who won't even have it on their radar to come around very swiftly. Plus this time next year you could be renouncing it if things go south.

Relationships are hard work with two people let alone three and many don't work out. Come out and live your authentic life by all means, but you can't expect people to be interested, supportive or anything more than neutral really, and most will be cautious until you've been living this way longer and it's become more set. For now, they could well think you're having some kind of an existential crisis or a breakdown and be worried about your or waiting to see how it all turns out before being unequivocally accepting and happy for you.

I suspect people struggle with the questions it raises in their own relationships
Can't answer for others, but no, I don't look at poly relationships and start naval gazing due to what comes across as your superiority of a better relationship. Just agree with pp that it's pretty grim, but that up to the people in the 'relationship'.

Your reading comprehension sucks. Jealousy wasn't even suggested there.

but I feel like most people really don’t want to know/hear about it
This
Plus,all the " bring your whole self to work"

No one cares

What if both were free and wanted to attend? Draw straws or tell your friend to make more food?

Does it? What does "people struggle with the questions it raises in their own relationships mean"? I am happy to apologise if poster clarifies and I have been too quick to respond.

The guy I knew best who identifies as polyamorous clearly preferred his hot new girlfriend to his wife. It was embarrassing to witness. And then he and the girlfriend moved to a different country.

I don't know how his wife is doing but I hope her life is better now.

There are always favourites and hierarchies with these set ups and people swallowing their hurt feelings. It's too much drama for me. Very happy to 'live and let live' but I don't want to hear about it.

"I suspect people struggle with the questions it raises in their own relationships."

Nope. It doesn't raise any questions in my relationships. I genuinely couldn't care less and have no interest in yours or anyone else's sex life.

TBF it's a rare day I'll personally ask anyone about their private life, let alone what they get up to with their love life.

European side are prob fine because he isn’t your fiancé.

I don't think the term "coming out" is appropriate for a sexual preference. It's become the in thing to say and it pisses me off. If people want to wear dog costumes, giant nappies or sleep with multiple partners that's up to them, but please don't make it sound as though you are part of a persecuted community.

As for the continental Europeans being more open and understanding than the Brits. I think you'll find that much of Europe (in particular Southern and Eastern Europe) is far more conservative and prejudiced than the UK on a vast array of issues including race and women's rights.

@DoreenonTill8 What if both were free and wanted to attend? Draw straws or tell your friend to make more food?

🤣 Can just imagine my best mate rolling her eyes as I walk in with them both!

Honestly.. we'd just figure it out. How would you invite your friends out if you had a spare theatre ticket? You'd ask who wanted to go and then just decide who was going with you. Or you'd ask them one at a time. No need for anyone to get grumpy or feel left out, if you're spending enough quality time with everyone. As I said, exactly the same as maintaining a friendship group. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Why aren't your choices being validated? Because a lot of people don't agree with polyamory. Is this a trick question?

I wouldn’t want to know you were shaving multiple men at the same time, it seems quite sordid and TMI.

Im not surprised your English “fiancé”s side isn’t too thrilled. If I were his parents I would be quite disappointed and concerned that he was proposing to marry a woman who was openly shagging another man. Quite humiliating for him. And I wouldn’t know that any children you produce were my grandchildren.

Because it’s pretty grim let’s face it. And anyone I’ve seen who partakes is either unattractive, obese or with blue hair.

Live your life. But I do wonder why your partners have different statuses, one is your fiancé and one your boyfriend. Why the hierarchy? Why do you think it is important to have one relationship in marriage? How do they feel about the difference in how you refer to them.

Hi - I was referring to the difficult questions like 'is he into her for [insert insecurity]', or the wholly more challenging situation where a partner finds someone who offers something you cannot and the questions this raises for yourself and about where you draw your own sense of self esteem.

I don't believe there is much jealousy about poly. Besides it's 80% big talks and diary management and only 20% hot sex and self discovery!

Oh in that case I apologise unreservedly @Giraffapuses. I misinterpreted.

Yes, the diary management itself in London traffic would drive me nuts!