Dating Thread 247

[SamW98]

Continued from 246

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

No, he only gave himself a couple of weeks to find someone before he was doing 10 days of travelling and running conferences of 12 hour days and then after a short break leaving the country for a 3 week Easter holiday.
Said everyone was boring or didn't reply, he knew he'd have no time to date anyway, so decided it was time to delete and for the last 30 min took off the age limit and in that time matched with me in the last ten minutes and I decided to write right away because it was already past midnight and I didn't want it to be a job for the morning!
Hadn't I written he might have deleted and we would have never met!

Oh I just swiped through Bumble though I am not even supposed to be there but taking a break from dating :)

Anyway, was startled to see someone there who I know a little in real life and who hinted to me a couple of months ago he was interested in asking me out as soon as he moved house - was living with family after his divorce and felt he couldn't date!
He didn't my ask for my number but said he'd contact me on Facebook(we were in the same social group) however just popped up on Bumble, no bio at all, and just one picture obviously in his new house!
I am agonising over which way to swipe! Normally I don't swipe on anyone with no bio, but obviously it's different, and a couple of months ago I was a little interested in him, though more in a "there is potential in you" sort of way rather than I fancy you sort of way. \

But now I have my iron (who is abroad and incommunicado though!) and feel that I would just be playing with this local guy if I matched.

However also annoyed because he didn't contact me on Facebook as he said he would? So why go through Bumble, if he was interested he could come direct?? Too worried about it being too direct and getting rejected? I guess being swiped right on would give him confidence to approach me...(though it's Bumble so I'd have to say hi first)

I was on snooze though until started swiping so he might not have seen me yet, it does say new here on his profile and he definitely wasn't on Bumble before...I guess there is no harm in swiping right and seeing whether it would come to a match...

That's funny! Well you gotta respect him being upfront 😅

But you are on it just a week later too?

@RadiantRainbow so did you match?! I know it seems a bit cynical but no harm in hedging your bets in early days, stops you getting too invested in one.

@CallmePaul good point and @Orchidlie22 you're also on the Mumsnet OLD thread?! 😉

@RadiantRainbow swipe right!! You will never know otherwise! He might be too shy to message you....or you could screenshot his bumble profile and send him it via Facebook with a 'fancy seeing you here' type message and get chatting that way?

I agree with either swiping right or messaging to say "saw you on Bumble, shall we match" kind of thing.

@RadiantRainbow if you do message him then just do it once - I had an old friend match with me on 2 apps which I ignored as I don’t see him in that way, and then he messaged me separately via text. I did respond to that message but it felt embarrassing that he didn’t get the hint.

16 matches...
1 unmatched
2 replied but one have weird vibes and the other never relied
13 ignored.
Nobody messaged me first.
Fantastic!

It's so hard because literally NOBDY does bios anymore so hard to make any convo :(
Urgh. Feeling fed up!

Interesting question!
iI am on Bumble and look in from time to time but too frit to actually do anything. I mostly have my profile suspended and only briefly I unsuspend it to look through the profiles.
I have seen a few people I know in RL on who I would not touch with a barge pole -but also including a guy on the edge of one our friendship groups (when I say ‘our’ I mean me and my ex MrWozfunnest. ) This guy is genuinely attractive and a nice person and showed an interest at in my me in RL which caused an outburst of jealousy from MrWozfunnest (that he only told me about when we had split).
I do like the guy and would definitely be interested if it weren’t for the fact that MrWozfunnest would think I was doing it to make him jealous, and that our mutual friendship group would all be gawping and gossiping and I’d hate it if MrWozfunnest dated someone in the group. (Wide group by the way).
Also nether of us have told people in the group why we split and they were curious as everyone thought we were the perfect couple -in fact when we first started socialising with them they all assumed we had been married for years -in fact we had been dating for about 5 months.
Of course I know a major part of it is that I still haven’t let go entirely of the hope of a reconciliation even though we both know it couldn’t work in the long term.

We aren't friends on Facebook though, just belong to the same facebook group but only once took part in the same event!
And I never was even interested in him to begin with, though when we had a conversation in the wild (in a different social situation) that was when he made clear he was interested, and it made me realised I was actually ready to start dating, but then he DIDN'T ask for my number after all the flirting and it made me pissed off and that's when I registered on Bumble 😂

He was my catalyst! I did swipe right in the end, but it wasn't a match - however he is new and I was out of a long snooze, so not sure if he has seen me yet. If he would come back and would swipe left and be told he missed a match that would be a bit embarrassing for me because I can't say I was very interested but was ready at least to chat and ask what his new place was like etc...Maybe he checked out my facebook and found more details about my life which put him off me?? (which I would be happy with because just means he isn't right for me anyway)

Or, if he still hasn't seen me - I swiped way past midnight, I wonder how long I wait before I snooze again, realise I don't really want to do any more swiping but curious to see if a match from him would come back in the end.

This is where I hesitated, I find that most of our expectations are self-fulfilling, and I feel a little like if I keep my options open despite having an iron with who, hand on heart, I am honestly already invested 😁
then it means I don't believe him and I would work together, and then we aren't gonna work!

I did swipe right in the end but not so much to hedge my bets, more out of curiosity and that I was ready to go for a walk or coffee with him, he had a bit of a potential friend vibe and I thought it would help me take my mind off my iron a little but without seriously considering someone else.

With the iron who is abroad right now I do sometimes question myself, he just has this soul-matey resonance, but we haven't even kissed! Not only there is no guarantee that there would be further dating due to all the difficult circumstances he is in (job contract in our area running out etc), if there is further dating I know nothing about if the sex would work...just feels like it should because there is already such a strong connection everything physical should submit to the desire to make it work in every sense, but in reality - who knows?

Feel both slightly mad on having got that invested at such early stages but also like I had no choice whatsoever, like I was lured into a trap (even though the trap contained some brilliant discoveries)

After deleting all the apps I totally forgot I had FB dating and just seen I’ve got 100’s of likes waiting.
The good thing about FB dating is that there’s no paid option so you can see all your likes and send messages free.

Gonna wade through later just in case there’s a diamond amongst the rough 🤣

hello all!

Been flitting in and out of this thread for a bit but wouldn't mind some advise from people who get the whole thing!!
So, been seeing this guy since January, have slept together and gone on dates. both have kids with us a lot ( me 95% and him 80% of time really) so is hard to get together.. have had lunchtime s*x! Now, we both agree is it is not a relationship but more of a situationship.. and I think I am ok with that. I don't have time for a full on relationship. the only thing is that there is this other guy -we have never met ( v strange! I know ) but have been in touch for around 6 months - keep saying we are ending it and then one or other gets in touch again.

I want to meet up with him - I would never sleep with him while I am sleeping with someone else but I feel bad about it even though I am not in a relationship with Mr no 1!
Someone tell me I am crazy for feeling bad - I bet a guy wouldn't!!

@winc I'm older and lasted dated 18 odd years ago so I don't really get the whole situationship thing but I do have teenagers and I watch love island so not totally clueless. In your situation I would totally meet up with the other one. It's been going on for 6 months I would super curious to meet him I think after all that time. If it were to become something more you can decide what to do at that stage. You've nothing to feel guilty about.

@RadiantRainbow if I were you I would definitely be trying to keep my options open.

@SamW98 yay, glad you are back on board even, fingers crossed for you!

It's not going well for me. I have been messaging a few but my hearts not in it with any of the ones that have replied.

Hi everyone, me again 🙈
I'm after some words of wisdom/encouragement. I know we've all been here, including myself 🙈
I have found Myself in a really rubbish head space. I can't help but still feel gutted about Mr shy! I guess I'd developed more feelings for him then I'd admitted and I am sad that it's all come to an end. I'm embarrassed I feel like this after a short space of time, but sometimes that just happens!
It's just hard to accept how quickly it ended because he talked so much about doing things and going places when we were together. Even the day he ended it he was talking about watching a film together later... and then bam! I normally have thick skin, but I feel wounded! Keep thinking... wish I'd was this time a fortnight ago etc 🙈
I know deep down that we weren't fully aligned, and a relationship wouldn't have worked out. But I just feel gutted. He's the nicest person I've spoke to online!
Can someone please tell me how I get out of this hole of self pity and denial 🙈
It's Easter holidays and I feel like crap!

@blacksocks33 i could have written similar a few weeks ago. A few dates with the only person I truly clicked with. Like your situation he was making plans. Then backtracked. I’ve realised it’s a him issue he wasn’t ready and I think really he wanted to do those things with his ex.
My advice would be take your time to look after you. Do you ever journal I find that helps when I’m feeling hurt. I always rebel and go back on the apps but found I was just looking for him or a look alike 😂
So maybe make plans with friends, book nice things for you and give yourself a break from the dating for a bit? Self care basically! Sending hugs btw.

Poor you....That's a real head fuck if he was talking about seeing a film later on the actual day he dumped you. I don't understand why men do stuff like that. I mean I know feelings change but surely most people know want they want within the same 24 hours 🤷

@Tillievanilly aww thank you! How're you feeling now?
I did take a few days off the apps, but rejoined yesterday. Had the worst comeback ever, despite having lots of matches, not one conversation 🙈 I keep thinking, should I have a break? But I don't want to! I just want to snap out of it!
Thing is, I am a bit of a dweller so I know I want to put myself back out there... but I do see myself looking for someone similar to him like you said 🙈
I've reached out to my mum and sister and RL friends. Tbh, I don't feel like anyone gets it or knows what to say. Or maybe I just don't hear it!
I just feel gutted.

@Bluestarling yeah it was a bit of a head f-ck to be honest! Hr wasn't a bad person at all, but he definitely didn't know how to communicate his feelings! So I know we wouldn't have been a forever match, but I just liked a lot about him that I've not seen in people before....

I don't know the whole history but was he the first real connection you had after a real long time...

I ask because I had a similar experience...it was nothing in the grand scheme and only last a few weeks but it was after many years of being single and it was just so intense and exciting...I was kind of walking on air...then in your words bam... it really knocked the stuffing out of me.

@blacksocks33 im feeling ok now. I took a week or so off the apps and it made me think through how I felt and got my head straight. I’m not that invested now. I have considered how maybe a fwb may be better. I’ve also wondered if some guys try and love bomb by offering more than they can give because that reels you in. I have a few chats going on slowly but tbh that suits me at the moment. Also on hinge 3 matches and no messages and I can’t be bothered to chase them!

Oh never chase....if they want you they'll come. Men are like cats...they prefer a running mouse.

Yes!
I've had a few flings since my ex husband, but I always new none of them would go anywhere. On Friday I thought to myself... oh I think this could be something, and then Saturday it ended 🙈
I know I won't hear from him again, and we don't live in the same town so I'll never bump into him! I'd also never text him after him saying he didn't want to pursue because there's just no point!

I think I was just getting ahead of myself thinking it was my turn, and now there's the void! I am having trauma therapy at the minute and i mentioned this to her on Tuesday. She was so supportive and I didn't feel like I was loosing the plot 🙈 I'm just surprised how effected I still feel!

I totally get it...its like someone just pulled the rug out from under your feet.