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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 247

1000 replies

SamW98 · 30/03/2024 19:18

Continued from 246

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

  1. Develop a thick skin.
  2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  4. Trust your gut instinct.
  5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  6. Know your worth.
  7. If it's not fun, stop.
  8. Loo update is mandatory.
  1. No dating the thread.
  2. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
  3. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
  4. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
  5. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
8
Tillievanilly · 21/04/2024 13:09

Good to read the positives this weekend.
I had a positive date also with Mr Sensible. He was funnier in real life and we had a few things in common. Also able to hold a good level of conversation, he looked good too! We are planning date no 2. I have a chat going with another which is moving slower but consistent so we will see!

Mountainormolehills · 21/04/2024 13:31

Well oh my goodness!
Monsieur was a crazy date! I got to our meeting place, exactly on time and messaged him to ask if he was there. He then told me that he was running late coming back from an event and would I please wait for him. I went to a bar and got a drink, told him to meet me there, he said ‘I don’t want you in a bar on your own’!
I said, I do lots of things on my own, and I will wait where I want. Finished my drink and said I was going home, got to the station and he arrived.
We went for drinks and he was being charming but also saying that a man was looking at me - I said that he wasn’t important, what was important was where I was looking.
His friends were texting and he was about to call them, I asked if they knew he was on a date, he said yes, I said why would you call them, you’re on a date, my phone is in my bag, I’m not messaging anyone.
At times I felt like he was really genuine and interesting, driven etc, but I got the impression that he’s used to getting women easily as he’s charming, tall and good looking.

On the plus side my outfit was great, I will definitely wear that combination again 😂!

Mountainormolehills · 21/04/2024 13:32

I had a fab time with Artsy guy in the afternoon but definitely just friends, and a friend meet up with Mr TV next weekend too so my friendships are going well at least!

Mountainormolehills · 21/04/2024 13:35

Good luck to those on dates today!

RadiantRainbow · 21/04/2024 14:02

Dauntedbydating · 20/04/2024 15:23

Late 50's guy here, feeling a bit of heat from this thread about my demographic! I think I am reasonably articulate and communicative!

I little bruised having been given the Dear John letter...it's not you...it's me from someone I met on Bumble and thought was quite special.
We went out for drinks and meals about 5 times, so I had thought we were getting on well. We were quite tactile and she came to mine for dinner and we spent some time in bed, but she didn't stay.

Something that did niggle a bit was that although she had a resonably senior role she didn't offer to pay for any of the drinks or meals.

@Dauntedbydating not very clear from your description, the dating was ticking along until you had sex and after that didn't resume? Is that it? I think it's a pretty common scenario...though obviously upsetting/stings, esp if YOU enjoyed yourself and wanted more...

As for the paying...I only had dates with three different men so far and though I got my card out each time because I didn't have the assumption they should pay, the men all waved it away (though it was only coffees or coffees+cake, though with one, who I still think of as my main iron, we had some food in the evening too and he paid for everything).

My ex husband was the least generous man on Earth I feel, and for me it still feels pathetically exciting when a man just offers to pay for anything, even if it is just a coffee.
I don't have a consistent income yet, and I don't know if I had loads of money it would change, it just feels so nice that a man wants to do that. I think if I thought that a man was struggling to pay for drinks or meals out I probably would start feeling uncomfortable about him always paying...but then I don't think anyone should put themselves in a situation where they are struggling to afford a date...like do free activities or cooker her a meal yourself etc...I am hesitant on this.
All men I was on dates with seemed to think it either goes without saying that they pay or they seemed to actually enjoy buying me drinks...but my ex actually actively HATED the idea of paying for anyone, and his condition number one for his future dating was that the woman always pays for herself...

RadiantRainbow · 21/04/2024 14:02

@blacksocks33 thinking of you, have a good time today!

Chocolatefreak · 21/04/2024 14:34

Reopened Hinge after deciding it's going nowhere with Mr Crash. During a new chat, after a decent number of messages, I've discovered he's still married. Not even separated and still living in the same house as his wife. There isn't even any logistical reason why he needs to stay married - his kids have left. At least he was honest when I asked but I've still wasted a couple of hours. I'm asking earlier and earlier. How early is acceptable to ask if they're still married?! First question seems a bit curmudgeonly but I'm sick of this. It's cowardice - why can't they leave their old relationship before starting a new one? FFS.

RadiantRainbow · 21/04/2024 14:36

I think I have posted here before about my dating situation on hold till roughly the end of April, and most women (the same as in RL) sensibly advised me to keep my options open and keep dating other people while it's not clear what is happening with this guy. I did do some scrolling on Bumble and it just brought into clear focus how far less interesting everyone looked compared to MY Iron.

Though it's sad and ridiculous to think of him as mine, because even though I have no doubts he was immensely attracted to me in every sense, I myself needed far more time together to be able to decide if he was just good potential or an actual good longer term prospect. It's just that he was the first person in so many years I felt so, so good with and was excited to get to know him further, and then it was all put on hold without any certainty at the end.
The way I operate (seems to be the opposite to many in this thread 😂) is I assume THE BEST until proven otherwise, so I still think we will resume our dating and it will be fun and interesting, but I must say I have started to forget him in 3.5 weeks and it's more difficult to keep focus on the end goal.

Also I have made peace with the fact that if he doesn't re-appear, all it means he wouldn't have been good for me. Because someone who is good for me would need to truly make an effort to overcome all obstacles and circumstantially the situation was so far from simple...but had this vibe about it, that if the person is meant to be/is right for you things would fall into place somehow anyway, despite all odds. Anyway, mentally I have given it till next Saturday for him to re-appear. If he doesn't, he would effectively ghost me which I just don't think is possible 🤔(I know some people might think I am very naive!) To be honest his whatsapp shows he was last online the moment we said goodbye 3+ weeks ago which does make me wonder sometimes if he had lost his phone or threw away the sim card or something...but I think even if, say, he somehow lost his phone/my number (I know he had only one phone, saw it, saw my messages on it etc, but assume he had 2 sims)...anyway, if he turned out that he was so resolutely offline not because he planned to but he lost my phone or his sim or anything, I would just accept it as fate saying wasn't meant to be. I am not into forcing anything. I would say by the end of April if there is nothing I would say I would delete his number/chats but hahaha his number looks like 0719 328328 (not his actual number but once you see it it's impossible to forget!! there is no point deleting it because it's instantly memorable) Anyway, I would not be tempted to reach out, I would think he isn't worth it, so it doesn't matter...

In other news someone very cute locally who I have known for less than a year suddenly made clear he liked me which cheered me up! He is 15 years younger than me though so I really never "saw" him that way, and still probably wouldn't consider anything, but he is fit and fanciable and also intelligent and interesting, to be honest looks wise he is more my type that Mr On-hold...But I think he possibly was a bit tipsy initially when he revealed he was interested, because he came on strong then disappeared, possibly got shy or anxious...or he is into playing games. But in any case it showed me that fit clever men exist in general, they can be interested in me, and it turned my focus to looking forward to a better future again... :)
I did delete Bumble for now but will create a new profile in May if it comes to it...

RadiantRainbow · 21/04/2024 14:40

@Mountainormolehills the French guy sounds like a headfuck to be honest, I wouldn't proceed with him! Unless you somehow manage to have light fun with him, but he doesn't sound very promising even for that purpose....

Chocolatefreak · 21/04/2024 14:51

@RadiantRainbow apologies for not remembering exact circumstances of Mr On-Hold, but was he the one who was long-distance? Will he continue to be? Or is this just a temporary absence while he sorts something out? Good to keep a realistic view and accept you may not get back in touch while at the same time keeping an optimistic outlook.

I've paused Hinge again, grrr.

Mountainormolehills · 21/04/2024 14:51

@RadiantRainbow I messaged and said that I found his jealous nature not for me and that we have very different communication styles so I wouldn’t be seeing him again (apart from at our shared hobby but we can easily ignore each other there)

RadiantRainbow · 21/04/2024 15:00

@Chocolatefreak yes he is away temporarily sorting something out and I knew of it from the off(before I got invested)
I don’t want him taking any decisions just because of me though because I don’t even know if I would want him long term! All I wanted was an opportunity to explore further 🤔
Whatever will be, will be, I will update here if there is news (eventually)

RadiantRainbow · 21/04/2024 15:02

@Mountainormolehills , good on you! Possessiveness on the first date is just bizarre…and that after being so late and not even letting you know in advance he was running that late!

blacksocks33 · 21/04/2024 15:21

Hi all!
Date went well. Really easy conversation, good vibes, no red flags...... but I'm just not attracted to him. He isn't bad looking - but I didn't feel the rush.
Whilst attraction isn't the main thing for me, connection is more important, I just know he isn't for me.
So I feel sad because I feel like he was into me and now I'm going to have to let him down and also a bit disappointed!

But positives are that I know what I communication style more now and also how much better it feels to not overly invest/build dates up particularly before you even meet them!

Back to the drawing board......

2anddone · 21/04/2024 17:06

@blacksocks33 glad it went well and if nothing else you have learnt more things to help you along this crazy journey!
Are you going to send him a lovely message to explain things or just ghost?

TobyEsterhase · 21/04/2024 17:29

Just had a first date which was basically a lecture on Climate Change. An hour of my life that I won't get back.

2anddone · 21/04/2024 17:36

Sounds horrific @TobyEsterhase I assume you won't see them again?

SamW98 · 21/04/2024 17:49

TobyEsterhase · 21/04/2024 17:29

Just had a first date which was basically a lecture on Climate Change. An hour of my life that I won't get back.

Was the date with Greta Thunberg?

OP posts:
TobyEsterhase · 21/04/2024 17:54

2anddone · 21/04/2024 17:36

Sounds horrific @TobyEsterhase I assume you won't see them again?

There won't be a second date. She was attractive and intelligent but as well as Climate Change she talked at length about her charity work and dating horror stories.

blacksocks33 · 21/04/2024 18:06

@2anddone I would never ghost, it's hard letting someone down but ghosting is just goes against all values.

I haven't had chance to sit down and think of a message yet, secretly hoping he might message me first ditching me 🙈

blacksocks33 · 21/04/2024 18:24

He's just messaged asking for a second date and now I feel really sad. He really was lovely but I just didn't get the flutters so don't think it's fair to go for a second.
Any tips anyone?

Loopylooni · 21/04/2024 18:49

Is it a definite no though @blacksocks33 ? Is it worth a second date? I sometimes think it's worth giving people a second chance if they are decent.

Mountainormolehills · 21/04/2024 18:50

@blacksocks33 I just tend to say that I had a lovely time but the chemistry wasn’t there for me, they can’t argue with that

blacksocks33 · 21/04/2024 18:55

I just feel so bad and part of me thinks, should I give it a second go? My mum said I should 🙈But I don't think I'll change my mind.
He seemed so comfortable around me which was lovely, but I don't want to be unfair and build his hopes up 😞

SamW98 · 21/04/2024 18:59

@blacksocks33

Honestly I don’t think it’s fair to go on a second date if you know you’re not feeling it. You’ll just be giving him false hope and it’ll get harder to tell him you’re not interested the longer it goes on.

I think you know immediately if there’s potential or not and if there’s not it’s best to just tell him straight

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