Dating Thread 247

[SamW98]

Continued from 246

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Just do it!
You have absolutely nothing to loose and it'll stop you kicking yourself :)
Good luck! 🩷

Hello all, can I join? I was on thread 100 I think! Way back in the day after my divorce.

Much older and wiser now - although not so wise that I ignored many red flags (the many 3/4 month relationships he had had should have been my warning - @SamW98 ) with my last relationship where I was dumped out of the blue after 4 months. I recently met up with him which was a huge mistake as he kept telling me how much he loved me, fancied me, wanted me in his bed, but "couldn't be with me". Head fuck.

So I'm dusting myself off and getting back out there...

Am older and think that there are slimmer pickings for my age group, but still optimistic!

Is it worth paying for tinder @Tillievanilly ? It doesn't seem as good now as it used to be - I met 2 long term relationships of there - but haven't used it this time so far.

@HelenHywater i think it helps with matches. As you can see your likes. I like the incognito option so I can pause it if it gets a bit much. It’s definitely the busier app I have found. I have just done a week as I think it gets a bit much time wise!

@HelenHywater welcome! I'm on (well,temporarily paused/deleted) Bumble and Hinge. I could not see the advantage of paying. When you start you get a flurry of likes but this calms down. I found that the quality decreased the longer I was on it 😅 with less attractive men but also further away and less suitable. So unless you're just looking not to be overwhelmed at the start I'm not sure it's worth paying?

Just because someone's liked me doesn't mean I'm going to like them...Can anyone explain the advantages of paying?

I’ve paid for Bumble when there’s a half price offer on and I think even at that cost it’s a waste of money.

All I got was unlimited swipes and seeing my likes - which were a rogues gallery of unsuitable men. The only decent feature is being able to go back but for me the cost hugely outweighed the benefit.

@Chocolatefreak with paying, I only have to scroll through the likes (less time spent scrolling), and I can control when the chats starts (bumble). So on Sunday I swiped right on 4 guys, of which 2 replied. I have one ongoing chat from "previous round" but he's been away so maybe see him later this week.

I should add, I have quite a wide age range and live in the South so there's more people. Probably if I had smaller age range and/or live somewhere less busy it may not be worth it.

Another one 🙄

Several photos in obvious holiday locations so I comment he’s a man who loves to travel and what was his last holiday

His reply - got back yesterday

Me - where did you go?

Him - Spain

Me - nice. Whereabouts?

Him - Denia

Me - how was weather?

Him - good

Ffs - why bother matching if that’s the extent of their communication

And another who extended the match then didn’t reply to my message - why bother? 🤷‍♀️

@Chocolatefreak
I have never pd for Bumble
As others have said it's not worth it
And depends on your area, on the amount of likes you receive
Messaging is free when you match and free to browse .

@HelenHywater

have never pd for Bumble
As others have said it's not worth it
And depends on your area, on the amount of likes you receive
Messaging is free when you match and free to browse.

So what do you guys think...
Heard from Mr beard again yesterday late afternoon. He's suggested the time and place of our date, sounds nice. I've agreed.
He's since not replied.
I don't mind the silence but I find it strange how he's gone from Mr chatty to Mr silence. Would this concern you guys? Do you think it's just because a dates been booked in?

@blacksocks33 what do you want? I know that a lot of men will be quiet once a date has been sorted but if it’s not for you then you can say to him - your feelings matter

Tbh I'm absolutely fine with it! I don't want small talk all week with someone I've never met but at the same time I'm not sure if that's normal? Or a slow fade 🤷🏼‍♀️

I think if you have confirmed plans then it’s normal.

Heyy, long time lurker. Minimal poster.

@blacksocks33 I wouldn't like that level of communication and you know when someone's behaviour changes. I wouldn't cancel though, just ride it out and see how the date goes. It is stressful waiting for communication. Why can't people just acknowledge a message?!

I've been dating a guy for about 3 weeks who was super chatty in the beginning and not so much now. Met him on B. I've learnt that's just him now. He cancelled on me today though. We were supposed to go out but we have rearranged and he was quick with the replies to rearrange so hoping I'm not getting the slow fade!

@bethatgirl haha yes, I get you! Normally when I agree a date with someone it's nice to feel like they're excited about it/into you 🙈
I'm not going to cancel unless I feel different as the days go on. It's just weird going from one extreme to another!

@blacksocks33 The days that his communication was a lot was that a work day or a non-work day? Do you know what he does for work? Could he have busy periods and not so busy periods?

I know that if I'm busy I message way less so when I'm at work I would barely message and then most evenings I am doing stuff but if I have a free evening I'd message more. Same as weekends, they are usually busy so I would message intermittently or not at all until the evening.

If it was a new chat and I hadn't even met someone yet I'm not going to tell them I'm busy and won't message for a while, I expect people to know that people have lives outside of chats with strangers.
If at an early stage someone called me out on it I'd be running the other way.

But if you want communication to increase before the date you can tell him this but he may not be able to so then you have to decide what happens from there.

@blacksocks33 I would take complete silence - not even one message- as a sign they have moved on to other people in the interim. Even if they show up on the date, I am with you - the connection is lost. And I find that my hunch/gut feeling is accurate - usually things fizzle out after the date following such non-communication period. It is difficult to maintain a high level of interest in someone who doesn’t seem bothered to send one message to check in.

Thank you all! I really appreciate everyone's input!

I definitely won't be calling him out or anything like that. Tbh I quite like not having the pressure of keeping a convo going... but part of me feels like is he bothered about talking to me?
Just gone through our chat.... normally only chatty in the evenings. After Monday, when we agreed our date, he's messaged once or twice a day.....
I wonder if it'll pick up nearer our date? I don't mind this now but if things progressed o wouldn't like it.

Mr Pan randomly left me a voice note after almost 2 months since our last date, which was our third date.

He was effectively apologising for ghosting, sorry that it had been so long, saying he had lots going on, logistics were tricky (not for me, they weren't!), and he hoped I was well.

I was so tempted not to reply, but instead texted back "thanks, hope you are well". I wonder if I'll hear from him again, or if he'll be gone again now his conscience is clear.

@blacksocks33 Given he's been in contact, it seems he doesn't want too much of a build-up to your date, which I can understand.

I can't remember when you are due to go on the date, but if it's at the weekend, perhaps send a text on Friday?

Tbh I don’t think there were any! Absolutely same story for me, little flurry and then the dregs by the end of the month’s subscription

I’d be cautious here @Starseeking more likely story is that he had a couple of ladies on the go, it hasn’t worked out with the one so he’s trying his luck with you again. See how you feel about it but that’s what I think. It happened to me Easter weekend. One ghosted me, then apologised profusely, then did it again with the next planned date! Needless to say, he has been blocked

That's how I feel @Bestlife18. 15 years ago I'd have been all "yay, he's contacted me", these days after all these experiences in my mind I'm thinking "are you having a laugh". I find it a shame as he was the only date I was attracted to and really connected with since I started OLD last summer. Having said that, while dating him I became so anxious about the situation due to his minimalist style of contact (1 or 2 texts per week), so I know long-term he's not right for me.