Dating Thread 247

[SamW98]

Continued from 246

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Chocolatefreak hope your date goes well today!

@SamW98 it's a good sign that the call wasn't awkward, especially as you're not usually a big fan?

I'm probably like the men you're coming across in that I really don't like to be single. I'll be back on the apps far sooner than I probably should be.

After spending today and yesterday moping about my holiday fling (who I will call Mr Olympian), he messaged this evening to apologise for being quiet, said that he's been feeling really emotionally overwhelmed and his children needed more of his attention. We had a nice back and forth and he reaffirmed when he went to sleep that he would be contacting me and wanted to try to meet up. I know this is bananas, going straight into long distance, but I haven't liked anyone this much in a very, very long time. It's a 1.5 hour flight from me to him. We'll see how long we can manage it.

@SamW98 I have absolutely found this, I've also been single 4 years and some of them seem to have been astonished by this.

Also as soon as I dig a bit deeper it usually transpires that they have been single a really short space of time whilst being adamant that this isn't re-bound dating.

I think that is part of what depresses me about this whole thing. I don't want to rack up a list of short lived relationships in my 50's. I am not looking to live with someone or marriage or any of that but I don't want something really casual either or that doesn't at least have the possibility of being longer term.

@friendswiththemonstera I don't think it sounds totally bananas. It's exciting and long distance can work out, definitely sounds like you need to at least give it a go!

@SamW98 glad the chat went well.

Interesting what you mentioned about men being weird about being on their own. I have encountered so many men online who have basically come out of a 20-30 marriage a couple of weeks/months ago. Then they want to find someone else while they're still living with their wife, haven't sold the marital home etc. Personally I needed time to process the end of my marriage and I don't trust these men have dealt with it properly if there's a short gap.

I enjoy being and living alone now. It does make me scrutinise a potential partner more. Is this person worth giving up my independence/peace/clean home for? The answer is unfortunately usually not.

@friendswiththemonstera give long distance a go and see what happens. At least if you try and it doesn't work out, then you know you gave it your best shot. Otherwise it would always be a what if?

@Mckittens I've found the same. Although Mr Chatty has been single and living alone for 4 years. So I know that he is capable of somewhaf fending for himself at least! I've met some right cocklodgers who were surprised when I mentioned that I wouldn't want to move another bloke into my house.

@friendswiththemonstera Long distance can really work out. Someone I know really well is doing long distance for 10 years/5 hour drive by car, and still they get on really well surprisingly.

I think it just depends on people and how well they get on and if they are willing to do it. I wouldn't have believed it myself if I didn't know them both personally.

Fingers crossed he's decent in person 🤞

@Mckittens

Totally agree. I’d rather stay single than jump from one short term relationship to the next barely pausing for breath inbetween but thats what so many men my age seem to do.

This guy said he’s been single 2 months after a 6 month relationship. He's been divorced similar amount of time as me (7 years) and in his words ‘had quite a few short relationships’ since then whereas I was single for 18 months, had a 2 year relationship and now single since 2020. When I say I’ve single 4 years they always act shocked and I feel I have to almost justify it which actually I don’t!

And it is a generalisation but I’ve seen it among my own circle, female friends happily single and enjoying life with friends but the men go from one woman to the next.

@friendswiththemonstera
it sounds like an enjoyably passionate adventure - I would say just
have in the back of your mind it may not be possible to sustain- but
enjoy it for now!

@Mckittens@SamW98 I agree it's unusual to find a man who's been on their own for a while, and it seems to be a pattern that men follow - look for a new woman as soon as the old one's out or even before.

But my case is similar- although I initiated our divorce almost two years ago, and we sold our house over a year ago, I've only been in my own place for nine months. This was due to logistical reasons but mentally I had processed our separation before I asked for a divorce, ie over three years ago. But my circumstances make me sound like it's all fairly recent.

I met Mr Crash last night and we ended up having dinner and not just drinks. I enjoyed his company and he was as thoughtful in person as in his chat. However- he's another one who's only been out of his last relationship for four months! Not only that, his last relationship was with someone who had suffered a traumatic childhood and this must have impacted on their relationship, plus he had terrible experiences of his own. He seems resilient and relaxed but I am now wondering whether to meet him again.

I find Mr B more attractive but I know with him this is only an occasional thing plus since we are both busy, can't see one another often. Which is fine for now but ultimately I would like someone in my life. I don't know what to do about Mr Crash.

@SamW98 @Mckittens I totally agree with you! Even Mr ITW has only had a 4 month break from a 34 year relationship!!
Think that's why I keep reminding myself it's just a rebound fling/FWB situation....not going to lie I am starting to struggle not to catch the feels!!
He has a meeting with his ex wife today to discuss divorce settlement...hoping it gets cleared up quickly. We are still sneaking around so no one finds out until everything is sorted, his daughter smelt my perfume at his house after I had been round the other night and has reminded him that she doesn't want her parents seeing other people (didn't buy the tale that it's air freshener!) he is now nervous to get together in case we get spotted! It's really frustrating we aren't doing anything wrong...she left him so don't know why his daughter is being like this about both parents!!

Right guys I need your help.
I don't know how to imitate conversations about expectations/past relationships without being full on/scare guys away?
This was definitely lacking with my last significant match and I'm trying my best to be more forward!

I did end up chatting with Mr bears last night. He seems responsive in the evenings! On his profile he hasn't filled in what he's looking for, I feel like I should ask? How do I word it? Been chatting less then a week though so don't want to come across too direct!

@blacksocks33 You could either say "So what are you looking for on here?" or (which is what I would do) wait until you're on the first date, and ask then. Someone who is looking for a relationship is unlikely to be scared off by you clarifying that you are.

@cassiatwenty This is interesting and gives me hope - thank you. It is what we would have to do: be long distance for, realistically, at least a decade. That feels daunting. The thing is though, I would be happy with a relationship where I see the person once every two weeks and on holidays together. That is actually feasible for us if we swap off who visits who, or maybe once a month depending on what else we have going on. But he is very busy establishing a new career and I am going to be very busy with my new job, plus our children, who are the same ages. So the thinking was if we find a rhythm that makes us happy, we get the good bits of a relationship (great dates, love and support) without the bits that we don't have time for (seeing each other in person constantly).

I'd be surprised if it works out long term, but I like him enough that I want to try.

This does mean cancelling my next dates with Mr Oz and Mr Sneaker/Selfie. It has made me realise though that I didn't like either of them that much; I knew immediately when I saw Mr Olympian that I was attracted to him physically and I've not had that experience for a long time. So it's right to stop seeing them anyway.

Just ask him something like what he's looking for on the app. I sometimes ask how come they're on the app as a way of getting their relationship history. I usually ask this quite quickly or am asked it quickly. I don't want to waste my time chatting to someone who only wants casual sex etc.

Surely scaring away people who aren't interested in a proper relationship is a good and positive thing?!

@2anddone how old is his daughter?

@friendswiththemonstera definitely give it a try!!

My dinner and overnight with Mr TV went well, the chemistry was definitely there from both sides but it can be tricky navigating a FWB when you get on so well, I feel a little like we are tiptoeing around each other. He left super early as my pet kept him awake and he had an appointment too.
We will have to see..

@Chocolatefreak For me personally, if I'm in doubt, I always do another date.

So when would you guys bring up the "what you looking for" question? Given this situation as well where they haven't put on their profile!

@Browniesandcustard both of his daughters are in their mid to late 20's. Both very hot tempered (have known them years), one lives with him one doesn't!

@blacksocks33 I’d also ask as it’s not on their profile. When I have been asked in the past I’ve been cheeky and replied “spare change”, as it’s on my profile, which they haven’t bothered to read.

First day of messaging. Like I said, I am direct and not wasting my time.

@blacksocks33 and @ChampagneNightmares
Exactly this - I was chatting to some so this morning who just asked a S it makes it so much clearer. Tbh I’d ask before getting too involved in chatting rather than wait for a date.

Personally I don't go in for the kill immediately ie first day, but I do usually ask before the first date. Might as well know before you meet, to avoid wasting time. If they say 'nothing serious' when you want monogamy, you're not a good fit.

@2anddone ah ok. I thought she might be younger. I’ve had a similar issue with my daughter (19) and I’ve just calmly explained to her that I can do what I like dating wise as can she. I will tell her if I’m staying over anywhere (as in I’ll be staying overnight, I’ll see you tomorrow), and this week she finally didn’t cause a fuss. I just refused to argue about it and calmly texted my plans. If his daughter doesn’t like it it’s tough really. He can be kind but he also needs to be firm. I did also point out that as an adult, she could move out if she preferred (not choosing a man over her but if she didn’t like me dating then that was fine and she could make other arrangements).

Thanks all! If we get a convo going tonight I'll bring it up...maybe I'll just say "so what are you looking for on here?"... sounds ok doesn't it?