Dating Thread 247

[SamW98]

Continued from 246

The Rules:

1.The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.

1. Develop a thick skin.
2. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
3. It's all BS until it actually happens.
4. Trust your gut instinct.
5. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
6. Know your worth.
7. If it's not fun, stop.
8. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.
11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated
12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Been reading the posts here and good to see I’m not the only one who deletes dating apps then gets back on them and deletes again and so on! As a pp said the repetitive conversations can be so draining. I have less and less patience. I wish all the time wasters and married folk would just leave the apps
but that’s never going to happen…I am getting good at asking the right questions to sniff out the unsuitable men though. Most are unmatched within 24 hours.

I was talking to one guy in his mid 40s, he said it was refreshing to talk to someone his own age - I pointed out I was actually 6 years younger and he just conveniently changed the subject 😅
I find it funny how some men in their 40s seem to think they’re wonderful to even talk to women above the age of 35. Anyway it turned out after a little digging that this man was a full time student who lived with his ex and had no real life plan (that didn’t involve living off women) so yeah I unmatched immediately, he can go back to the 30 year old women he normally talks to 😁although I don’t know why any 30 year old women would bother with a man like that who is significantly older than her but yet has so little to offer in terms of stability…

I have a trip abroad planned for end of the month. When I get back I may reactivate the apps and refresh my dating profiles with new holidays pics but I’m definitely enjoying a break from it all for now.

@Stillhopefull tbh I would agree that 6 years younger is ‘my age’ as I often date a lot younger. Likewise 5/6 years older I would also consider ‘my age’. The rest sounds awful though, I can’t imagine he would have many takers.
I’m still chatting with Mr TV although I’m away for the weekend, and making sure to chat to a couple of others as I know he is and I don’t want to hyper focus. We’re getting on well though and I’m being hyper vigilant for red flags but I haven’t seen any so far.
Hope everyone who had a date had a good time!

@LittleFloatingGhost It's hard but I think if someone hasn't cheated (for me a definite no going back), and youve left things friendly, then there is room to give things a chance. You seem like you are both a bit wiser now and perhaps he's also realised you both had something good.

I feel like this with my current partner as I've been a bit more confident in specifying my needs with comms etc, and the things which frustrated me before. It's daunting but you haven't really got anything to lose and a friend made a good point, men (or people in general) respect you for having boundaries/standards.

@RadiantRainbow It took me by surprise to be honest. I was single in the October, but had felt done with my ex for quite some time before that.

I am more of a relationship person than casual dating and probably needed to get back on the horse, so to speak 😅😂

When the casual’ness’ felt more and I was comfortable with that, plus I was still seeing my counsellor, so knew I was open to something more than I realised. Although, that doesn’t mean marriage! It also didn’t mean with Mr Music, but once I knew what I wanted I couldn’t keep seeing him. I hadn’t got too invested at that point.

It was about three weeks before I met the other guy - talking, but in person a little later. It wasn’t just ED. He wasn’t affectionate, he said all of the right things, was really confident, but was definitely insecure with physical intimacy, plus he drank far too much (each day!). Whilst he ‘ticked’ a lot of boxes, it ultimately wasn’t right.

No, he wasn’t there in my mind as such. I didn’t have any contact with him for like the first 9 weeks of seeing the guy with ED. I did compare him, like I wish he would have been better with contact etc. Maybe I wasn’t over him?

With the other man, I never questioned his intentions or where this could go and I was happy to progress until the other bits became more pronounced. I hadn’t realised how touchy-feely I am (holding hands, PDAs (not to excess!)) and I missed it.

@LittleFloatingGhost can you ask him if your official? If that’s what you want. I dated someone for 3 ish months and never asked but next time I would be braver. As not having it confirmed backfired towards the end as I think there was a crossover with him meeting someone else. But like you I wasn’t ready for a relationship and not sure I wanted him to have that title. If it’s meant to be surely he won’t run at the thought of a relationship?

Great to hear progress for @LittleFloatingGhost, @Bestlife18 and @mumofoneanddone82.

I'm exhausted with all the swiping, matching, dates, meeting then no chemistry. Since Mr Pan earlier this year, I know I can have real chemistry with someone again, it's just frustrating that the times it's happening are so few and far between (he was the first man I've been really attracted to since my EX nearly 3 years ago).

After a date with Mr Local last week, he's been in a texting cycle of the good mornings/afternoons/evenings, how was your day/children/lunch etc. I reply politely, but have realised he's just not for me, and not sure how to round this off as I'd prefer not to just ghost him.

Have a potential date with Mr Scone on Tuesday; we matched last week, been messaging in the app, then moved to WhatsApp and had a phone call on Thursday during which I mentioned I have DC, he doesn't. I do have it written on my profile, but wanted to make it clear in case he was not wanting to meet a lady with DC.

So I matched with someone the other day who seemed good chat, i mentioned him in a PP.
Anyway, I decided I actually quite fancied him. Didn't message at all yesterday and was active in his profile as his location changed! (I'm not a stalker I was just checking his profile out and noticed!!). So I guess that's that 🙈 how long do you guys leave it before writting someone off?
I'm suprised tbh as he sent long messages so suprised he would be an early ghoster!

@Starseeking yes I always get nervous mentioned DC too. I have it mentioned in profile and a pic with their faces blurrred out to make sure it's obvious but still get nervous it'll kill the conversation!

@mumofoneanddone82 how did it go last night??

@Bestlife18 best of luck today! I'm rooting for you!!!

Thanks @Starseeking and @blacksocks33 - had hardly any sleep as per usual as so bloody nervous, got to take my daughter to football first but he has messaged and it’s still looking on. I will report back later!

@Starseeking i would just be honest with him rather than ghost. I had to do that with the one and only guy I had a date with so far from this latest old shitshow! It is exhausting.

@Loopylooni Thank you. You’re right. No cheating involved.

I agree, it’s a strong position to hold. It feels hard, but it really shouldn’t as it’s the minimum we want for ourselves!

@blacksocks33 what app are you using? I think the location changes unless you pause it; at least for Bumble that's the case.

@LittleFloatingGhost the way I see it is if it doesn't work a 2nd time, it's not meant to be. My partner broke things off with me for valid reasons then but now certainly I'm in a good place so if it doesn't work now, then I feel we aren't suited. Scary as it sounds, you should lay down what you want. If he still thinks he's emotionally unavailable, then you need to cut your losses or at least start looking for viable alternatives. Because these types of men will then never change and don't deserve a 3rd chance!

I've been chatting to a few older men (50ish and above), but all of them have same issue - don't ask questions! Barely (how are you) or very sparely. There's one that may not be too interested, but there's one that seems keen, sent me a long message, but not a single question. Let's see if there's an older man that knows how to communicate 😄

That’s my age range and absolutely you’re right, they don’t ask or really answer questions.

For example I could say ‘hi Dave so what you got planned for the weekend?’

Him - hi 👋

And that’s it!!

It does seem the older ones are by far the laziest in terms of making any effort and probably complain there’s no good women out there.

I have had two over the age of 50 who could actually have a reciprocal conversation via messaging but the vast majority have no clue. It's painful.

@Bestlife18 hope it goes really well today, sounding positive!

@blacksocks33 the location changes on bumble as you move unless you turn it off so it moves as you go to work, the shops, away for the weekend. Who last messaged?

@Mckittens @Chocolatefreak ahh I see! I think I turned mine off when I set it up so it just changes when I have the app open. I'm sure that's a prompt when you sign up?
I messaged him yesterday morning and not heard anything. He did have a busy day and evening yesterday, that he'd already told me about, but I have a feeling he won't be returning! Shame 😐

3 people have messaged me on tinder "hey how are you x"... FFS! How can I reply to even initial a conversation from that?!?!?!

@SamW98 @Mckittens these answer my questions but it feels like a job interview, me asking a question after a question. They would only need to add "how about you" to make it bit more interactive 😆

This is the problem now I think the men are so low effort generally and put all the onus back on us.

Even if you reply ‘good thanks how are you?’ They’ll usually just reply ‘I’m ok’ or something equally closed.

I went through my FB dating 200 odd likes and out of those swiped right on 18. I’ve decided if they want to message me then they will but I’m not chasing. Out of the 18 I’ve had 4 messages - 2 ‘hi’ and 2 👋 - it’s really beyond tedious isn’t it?

I can't work out if some of them are just low effort with me, because they aren't really interested in which case I can't be bothered either or if they are genuinely like this with everyone they are messaging and they just don't know how to have a conversation.

I am trying to be a bit more lenient. It is tedious after a while messaging the same old shite to new randoms so if I get a hi how are you type message I do respond and hope things will pick up. In the same way that I don't want to put a lot of effort into an opening message because they may well not get back then I guess they probably feel the same. However if it continues with no interest I just delete them. But yes if it is literally just a wave or a hi in response then bin at the first hurdle.

Yeah I agree! Broadly speaking we are the same age range, but it was more the fact with this guy I felt he thought he was being a great guy for finally speaking to an “older woman”. So, I went out my way to point out technically he was older than me. I’m sure he wouldn’t have called a woman 6 years older than him “the same age” . Especially when he said later he normally dated women in their late 20s/early 30s. And it’s interesting it’s only now he started uni he is exploring women closer to his age - clearly he thinks “older” women are more likely to fund him.

Yeah it can definitely be a good strategy to speak to more than one guy, so you don’t over invest. When I get back to OLD I intend to adopt that approach.

Re. Men asking a lack of questions. When men do that I assume they’ve either looked at my profile more closely after matching and decided they’re not interested OR they only liked my profile for an ego boost to see if I would like back OR they are just dull. Either way I immediately unmatch within 24 hours. Sometimes sooner. There are definitely men who know how to have a proper conversation and I’d rather spend my time chatting to them.

Gawd just had a message on Match from someone saying surprise pretty neighbour 😳
Freaked me right out. Stereotypical profile for that age range minus the fish. I don't recognise them, and their profile says within 5 miles so hopefully not an actual stalking psycho neighbour.

Someone mentioned the same men matching or liking. I’ve got one C from Watford. We matched last year and although he was my type physically he had the communication skills of Kevin the teenager. Every response was a couple of words and after a few days of boring messages going nowhere I unmatched.

Then after my break I went back on Bumble and he liked me again. So I gave him benefit of doubt and matched - and he was exactly the same. Absolutely zero conversation other than - lol, morning, hi etc etc

I then signed up to Hinge and he liked me on there 🤷‍♀️

And guess what? He was one of the ones on FB dating who liked me. I mean wtaf??

Oh and among the FB dating likes were 3 different friends exes plus my last exes mate - all twats 🤣

Hey gang, hope that everyone is doing okay.

@Chocolatefreak Hey thanks for asking! I met Mr T who is decent, red hair (love red hair ) and is really easy to talk to. Still early days so I don't want to jinx it. But I like that conversation seems to be based off of friendship and respect -- there are some flirty messages, but nothing suggestive, more like pure.

What's important to me is to get along with someone and build a foundation of mutual respect and friendship first and foremost, I wanted someone who wasn't going to be super fit but someone I could turn to and trust. Still early days so not much to report but end of March and now April have been very stressful (on my end) so I wasn't very emotionally avalible.

I hope Mr. B comes on Wendesday and that you two have a nice time. Hope something life-changing is good 🤞 It's good to know Mr Crash is still there, hopefully your convos gain that momentum again.

@Mckittens Gosh that is scary! Hopefully it was meant neighbour as in neighbour on Match or something, not like a proper neighbour.

I'm wondering if the lack of questions might be due to not wanting to seem as too pushy too soon?