Is she a sponger or am I being too harsh?

[Picklebernard]

I keep having a chat with myself that I’m being too mean about a friend of mine
we’re part of a group of four mummies who met at baby massage and have been friends for over 10 years now
There is one of the group who’s always “short on pennies” as she puts it
whenever we’ve gone out over the years, she’s always the one who has enough to buy her own drinks and food but relies on the rest of us to get the bottles of Prosecco or the cocktails in
There has been many many occasions where I’ve happily and willingly paid for her coffe/lunch/drinks/taxis etc because I’ve known that she hasn’t had much cash
my view has been that it’s a small sacrifice if it means we can keep the friendship group together
I’m only very recently starting to open my eyes as to how she operates
We met up for an evening out, we had food, cocktails and three of us each bought a bottle of Prosecco
When it came to the bill she asked that she paid for her own meal and drink as she only had £96 and she was taking her daughter to London for a day out the next day
the rest of us split the bill equally…..you might well say nothing wrong with this, however she’d just found the cash a couple of days earlier to pay for a £1600 holiday for her and her children
Bear in mind that for this night out, I organised a hotel room for the night to save driving and offered for her to stay too
she did offer to pay towards the bill and I declined the offer because she’s not got a lot of money
I feel really aggrieved that she didn’t say, “I've come into a bit of cash so here’s some towards the room” I probably wouldn’t even have accepted it but she never even offered anything back knowing she had the cash
Never in all of these ten plus years has she ever once offered to pay for a coffee or anything else for me, never once
I’m feeling like I need to address these things with her but I feel that I’m bring mean plus I don’t want to upset the friendship group…..HELP?!?! What would you do?

Absolutely no issue with those things either
the point is that she has funds for things for herself yet never has funds for a night out and depends on the rest of us to buy her drinks and more
although saying she has no pennies and would like to just pay for her own food and drinks and then proceeding to boast about her holiday is a step too far! And that’s AFTER drinking from our bottle!

you are assuming the others are OK with this - they are prob assuming you are too. Pick the one you think would be least OK with this (maybe more expenses like more kids or less income) and have a private chat like you were taken back she can't afford her round but is going on an expensive holiday.

And you’ve pointed something else out to me that I hadn’t realised
mug no more!

Poor lickle me has no pennies.

Evokes a mothering response.

Even the own dinner and drinks is tactical.

I am a financially not well off in comparison to my friends.

I say 'I can't afford to that, sorry' or I have my own dinner and drinks and while they'd offer me prosecco, I might accept now and again but mostly not.

The fact she has holidays etc is neither here nor there.e she's an adult and capable of saying 'no I've got too much on this mornh. Il come but il jusr have a glass of wine'

You and your pals need to be strong on this.

@Picklebernard I get you're pissed off with her, quite rightly, for her using you all.

But, you're now just being awful about her and shaming her for the way she chooses to live her life and that's not ok. Hold your own boundaries without slut shaming.

We can all be a bit short of cash from time to time and we help friends out .....
But not for a decade...100% piss taker.

I missed this update. I take it back. Poor girl doesn't deserve 'friends' like you. I'd drink your prosecco as well.

Awful.

You do sound like you're your own worst enemy OP.
She offered to pay for the hotel room - you said no. I wouldn't talk about it with your friends- it could end up being you out in the cold - but I would be very circumspect about what you pay for going forward. If asked say you're saving up for a holiday as you've realised moocher friend has been prioritising saving for them over spending on nights out and you want to go somewhere more exotic so you're going to try to cut back.

Agreed
I went too far
boundaries back in place

Yes she did offer and yes I didn’t accept because I thought she was skint, only for her to be boasting about her new holiday two days later
yes I’ve been my own worst enemy and I shall be using these suggestions going forwards

Hands up who’s never been a bit bitchy once in a while??

She’s not that ‘poor’ absorbing everyone else’s’ funds
awful?? I think I’ll live

Yes, awful.

Don’t blame yourself, what she’s done is deceive and lie to get free drinks and hotel stays. My ex friend did it, it was subtle enough but it’s not innocent. Would you ever pay for your other friends hotel stays randomly? I bet they’d reciprocate if you did.

I would absolutely pay if one of them was saying they’re struggling for cash on that particular occasion and yes I absolutely know they would reciprocate
unfortunately she’s the one that doesn’t and finally the penny has dropped for me

If it were me I’d speak to the other friends next time you go out and say “when it comes to ordering bottles of Prosecco everyone orders one and when it comes to payment if little Ms User pleads no debit card say well you can PayPal us the money then” you can wait whilst she does this on her phone.

I’ve never had someone do what this CF has done but I did have a close friend who every time we went out she’d split the bill down to the exact penny. My best friend at the time whom I went out separately with but sometimes with bill penny splitter sometimes came out with the friends to do with bill penny splitter and actually called her out on it. Because it looked tight. At the time I was annoyed at my friend but now I know she’d deliberately done this to save money (it was almost always Groupon deals) I was a bit pissed off because she was tight (she earned very good money on contracts and saved £20K whilst I knew her).

Forward her this video and see if she gets it:

[[https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rhbvUiYROpM m.youtube.com/watch?v=rhbvUiYROpM

Hmm, so she works part time, I assume in low income work, is on universal credit. And has a kid, but she came into a little money and used it to take her child on a holiday , is this correct?

Yes
Im not saying she shouldn’t take her children on holiday to indeed its good that she is
however she never puts her hand in her pocket on a night out
never so much as a cup of coffee in return in 10 years yet willingly lets everyone else foot the bill
when I’m skint I just don’t go out
I’d never dream of relying on others to pay for me for a night out

It’s not just about this one night
its a culmination of 10 years of the same behaviour

I don't even know why you pretend you like her!

It looks like you can see her for what she really is, and thats all you can do.

People like that are very common, just avoid.

The reason she can afford holidays etc is because she has friends who are happily finding her days out.

I have a friend like this, I didn't mind when she was genuinely skint, but now she has more disposable cash than me and will still pull this kind of stunt.

I ended up taking to our friend who we go away with on a regular basis (she was also getting a bit fed up too) and we agreed that we'd not pander to her. So in your case I'd agree a kitty and everyone puts the same in and you spend from there, the same with food. That way if there's no more money in the kitty there's no more Prosecco etc. if she wants Prosecco she can contribute to it.

Be more direct op. My friend is quite tight dithers at till with purse. I thought a one off but no. If they ask I say yes just this tray please (at till). Kinda got tired it over the years.. !

Long and short of it is, when you don’t behave in a particular way, you don’t necessarily see what’s happening,
I’ve been a bit foolish and maybe even a little naive
there are worse crimes