Is she a sponger or am I being too harsh?

[Picklebernard]

I keep having a chat with myself that I’m being too mean about a friend of mine
we’re part of a group of four mummies who met at baby massage and have been friends for over 10 years now
There is one of the group who’s always “short on pennies” as she puts it
whenever we’ve gone out over the years, she’s always the one who has enough to buy her own drinks and food but relies on the rest of us to get the bottles of Prosecco or the cocktails in
There has been many many occasions where I’ve happily and willingly paid for her coffe/lunch/drinks/taxis etc because I’ve known that she hasn’t had much cash
my view has been that it’s a small sacrifice if it means we can keep the friendship group together
I’m only very recently starting to open my eyes as to how she operates
We met up for an evening out, we had food, cocktails and three of us each bought a bottle of Prosecco
When it came to the bill she asked that she paid for her own meal and drink as she only had £96 and she was taking her daughter to London for a day out the next day
the rest of us split the bill equally…..you might well say nothing wrong with this, however she’d just found the cash a couple of days earlier to pay for a £1600 holiday for her and her children
Bear in mind that for this night out, I organised a hotel room for the night to save driving and offered for her to stay too
she did offer to pay towards the bill and I declined the offer because she’s not got a lot of money
I feel really aggrieved that she didn’t say, “I've come into a bit of cash so here’s some towards the room” I probably wouldn’t even have accepted it but she never even offered anything back knowing she had the cash
Never in all of these ten plus years has she ever once offered to pay for a coffee or anything else for me, never once
I’m feeling like I need to address these things with her but I feel that I’m bring mean plus I don’t want to upset the friendship group…..HELP?!?! What would you do?

I believe she’s already in the process of dropping me because I’ve challenged her on her shagging 5 different men hedging her bets until one commits
it’s all very sordid
at least she gets a free lunch every day!

I cant apologise for being a soft touch, in the same vein, I can’t be then moan at being taken advantage of

True enough, OP

I originally thought you meant she really was only paying for/drinking her own stuff, but since she muscles in on yours too that's taking the piss

Good luck trying to change this after 10 years though; it won't go down well now she's used to it, so expect to be replaced with the next batch of soft touches

Does the rest of the group feel the same way as you?

Definitely don't say anything to her herself.
Then there'll definitely be a drama and you'll be painted as the bad guy. You might end up being pushed out of the group instead.

She knows exactly what she's been doing - for years - so don't feel bad being tactical without calling her out explicitly. Use some of the strategies on this thread.
And yes see if one of your other friends thinks the same, as well.
But apply the strategies in any case.

I agree, when one has a low salary can't afford holidays plus several night out with friends. You have to choose and obviously she is choosing to spend her money on her holidays with her children.

Have you spoken to the others? It’s likely they feel the same.

Yes her paying solely for her own food etc is a regular thing whenever we’ve all gotten together
I’ve always felt sorry for her as she’s always saying she has no pennies
I can’t afford a sixteen hundred pound holiday currently! AND she’s on UC!! Working 16 hours a week, go figure!
I now see that I’ve been a mug and she’s a cf!

Fine

But don't take advantage of your friends

Cut your cloth and all that

She isn’t make sacrifices.

She is getting other to subsides her she can go on nights out, regularly, AND have the holiday. That’s not ok.

If Ops nights out are too expensive she could either not go. Or not drink from bottles others are buying when she has no intention of ever reciprocating.

Tbh anyone who kept saying they have ‘no pennies’ when they are grown adult would piss me off.

I get the impression of someone who likes to appear quite young and nice in order to get other people to do things for her.

Don't worry about what everyone else does, or discuss her behind her back. Just buy your own drinks from now on and say you're not getting into rounds, or say shall we split this equally at the start of the night. Don't offer to sub her on anything.

Bluntly, you've chosen to spend your money on her so no point resenting it now. She may be handy at accepting generosity but she hasn't forced or tricked you. Just stop doing it.

@Movinghouseatlast the reason Ms Sponger can afford to go on holiday is that she lets her friends pay for everything. She literally lets them sub her. Why should they pay for her?

She sounds what I term a Professional Sponger. Hide like a rhino, no shame or embarrassment, never buys you so much as a coffee!
Real friends don’t do this . I’ve got a friend who’s hard up, but she’ll often buy me a coffee somewhere. If you toughen up, she’ll simply move on elsewhere.

I have a friend who's exactly the same

I don't think she buys anything-she needed a new harness for her dog

I offered to go with her to the pet shop and show her the one ds bought for his dog (same breed)

Nope,she got someone to buy one for her

Ditto when she fancied getting a new kitten-someone bought her the kitten,someone else bought the bits needed,someone else buys the food...

Her mum pays for her holidays,treats and dental treatments,her disabled son has just bought her a new washing machine,her friend passes on her brand new,never worn but unwanted clothes and until he died,her stepfather paid her rent

I now refuse to go for a coffee with her as she never dips her hands in her pocket

Her cat and dog are still 'intact' as nobody has offered to pay to have them 'done'

But she's very vocal about 'the pennies' or lack of them

But always has money for 'wants for herself'

Just don't say anything now. But definately stop paying for her. Just pay for your own and the others will probably follow suit.

They might feel the same but just don't want to rock the boat either!

That’s completely irrelevant to your point and you’re beginning to sound a bit bitchy.

There is that bill splitting app isn't there? One thing you could do when arranging the next meet up is to say let's download that app so we will just pay for we have because I fancy having whatever and I don't want you lot to have to subsidise me! I bet you she will pull out of the event.

Splitwise.

OP, people like this don’t actually have friends they just latch on to people for what they can get out of them and then move along.
They will never ever go out of their way for anyone else
Shagging 5 men in the hope of landing 1 of them is pretty grim and tells you all you need to know about her thought processes.

Don't have an issue with her buying her own food and drink. Whether she has been on holiday or going to London is nothing to do with you.

Whar whe can't do is drink your prosecco.

@Movinghouseatlast

£1600 is a massive amount to spend on a holiday to lots of us.

For example my holidays are cheap weeks at Haven which cost £120 a week.

Yes I agree it’s an immature way of talking, I think it’s a defence mechanism, appear childlike in order to provoke sympathy

Yes her paying solely for her own food etc is a regular thing whenever we’ve all gotten together
I’ve always felt sorry for her as she’s always saying she has no pennies
I can’t afford a sixteen hundred pound holiday currently! AND she’s on UC!! Working 16 hours a week, go figure!
I now see that I’ve been a mug and she’s a cf!

This part also sounds so much like my friend I mentioned upthread. I came to the realisation I was being a mug when I was working 40+ a week while she’s only working 12 hours a week and receiving various benefits but yet spent years dropping hints to me about being skint.

It’s like hello maybe you wouldn’t be skint if you chose to work full- time?! All her kids are 12-16 so she wouldn’t even need a babysitter like she used to . I was basically subsidising her and her partners lifestyle choice by constantly picking up the tab.

It’s really frustrating and it’s fine to let yourself have a moment to be annoyed but it’s more important you take action to stop it happening again and then move on. We can’t change the past but we can live & learn!

tbh It sounds like the friendship is more or less over though since you- understandably - seem to be disgusted about a lot of her choices and the way she uses people.

She knows what she’s doing OP and will justify it by saying you have more. I had a friend like that, always the victim and entitled to what other people have. Last I heard my ex friend is still scrounging from her friends. Ironically she spent so long begrudging and trying to obtain stuff from others that she didn’t work on improving her lot.

It's not that. It's psychological. She's deliberately speaking like that as it evokes sympathy.