Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is she a sponger or am I being too harsh?

136 replies

Picklebernard · 30/03/2024 18:39

I keep having a chat with myself that I’m being too mean about a friend of mine
we’re part of a group of four mummies who met at baby massage and have been friends for over 10 years now
There is one of the group who’s always “short on pennies” as she puts it
whenever we’ve gone out over the years, she’s always the one who has enough to buy her own drinks and food but relies on the rest of us to get the bottles of Prosecco or the cocktails in
There has been many many occasions where I’ve happily and willingly paid for her coffe/lunch/drinks/taxis etc because I’ve known that she hasn’t had much cash
my view has been that it’s a small sacrifice if it means we can keep the friendship group together
I’m only very recently starting to open my eyes as to how she operates
We met up for an evening out, we had food, cocktails and three of us each bought a bottle of Prosecco
When it came to the bill she asked that she paid for her own meal and drink as she only had £96 and she was taking her daughter to London for a day out the next day
the rest of us split the bill equally…..you might well say nothing wrong with this, however she’d just found the cash a couple of days earlier to pay for a £1600 holiday for her and her children
Bear in mind that for this night out, I organised a hotel room for the night to save driving and offered for her to stay too
she did offer to pay towards the bill and I declined the offer because she’s not got a lot of money
I feel really aggrieved that she didn’t say, “I've come into a bit of cash so here’s some towards the room” I probably wouldn’t even have accepted it but she never even offered anything back knowing she had the cash
Never in all of these ten plus years has she ever once offered to pay for a coffee or anything else for me, never once
I’m feeling like I need to address these things with her but I feel that I’m bring mean plus I don’t want to upset the friendship group…..HELP?!?! What would you do?

OP posts:
cerisepanther73 · 30/03/2024 19:28

@Picklebernard

I knew someone like this several years ago too,
happy to play the victim too good at that cue crocodile 🐊 tears when it suited her,
expert on being manipulative with people in regards of getting what benefits her as much as possible,

she could be real mean and nasty drunk at times,!

I got fed up of her instigating all kinds of dramas with my so called ex partner,

like something out of Jeremy mckyle tv morning show back in the day,

I did all kinds of things to help her and others did,
as all her 7 children got taken in Foster care and youngest ones were also adopted

How does she repay me by sleeping with my ex partner,

Note i talk about them in past tense,

As i got rid of them out of my life for good

What a relief ditching them was,

Occasionally sometimes she will try to attempt to be a friend through Facebook or and drunken tel calls in the early hours of the morning.

Tooshytoshine · 30/03/2024 19:30

I had a friend like this.

She was always out and was lovely, warm and fun to be with. But when I stopped subsidising nights out and wanted a more equal friendship, she moved on to a new group.

She was really good at getting stuff and was known as lovely Lucy. Someone once gave her a car as they knew she was short of pennies. She spent whatever money she had on herself and whatever she could get from others she took.

I bumped into mutual friend years later and had a very eye opening conversation that my view was a view that she was a CF was shared far more widely than I thought.

Original poster
Picklebernard · 30/03/2024 19:35

Tooshytoshine · 30/03/2024 19:30

I had a friend like this.

She was always out and was lovely, warm and fun to be with. But when I stopped subsidising nights out and wanted a more equal friendship, she moved on to a new group.

She was really good at getting stuff and was known as lovely Lucy. Someone once gave her a car as they knew she was short of pennies. She spent whatever money she had on herself and whatever she could get from others she took.

I bumped into mutual friend years later and had a very eye opening conversation that my view was a view that she was a CF was shared far more widely than I thought.

Well she’s already starting to move on to a new group, currently her ‘besties’ even though they’ve only been friends for a year or so
I value my friendships and will try to tread a path which looks after those said friendships however I find that this isn’t reciprocated in her case
she’s not even that much fun if I’m honest
it’s been a case of misguided loyalty on my part

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklebernard · 30/03/2024 19:38

cerisepanther73 · 30/03/2024 19:28

@Picklebernard

I knew someone like this several years ago too,
happy to play the victim too good at that cue crocodile 🐊 tears when it suited her,
expert on being manipulative with people in regards of getting what benefits her as much as possible,

she could be real mean and nasty drunk at times,!

I got fed up of her instigating all kinds of dramas with my so called ex partner,

like something out of Jeremy mckyle tv morning show back in the day,

I did all kinds of things to help her and others did,
as all her 7 children got taken in Foster care and youngest ones were also adopted

How does she repay me by sleeping with my ex partner,

Note i talk about them in past tense,

As i got rid of them out of my life for good

What a relief ditching them was,

Occasionally sometimes she will try to attempt to be a friend through Facebook or and drunken tel calls in the early hours of the morning.

Wow that was some piece of work right there!
I feel that I want to just cut her out but because of the friendship group it’s not so easy
I must try some of the other tactics that have been suggested
most of all I just need to toughen up

OP posts:
AlwaysGinPlease · 30/03/2024 19:41

You're all paying for her holiday OP! She would be booted from our group. Cannot stand a sponger!

Original poster
Picklebernard · 30/03/2024 19:54

AlwaysGinPlease · 30/03/2024 19:41

You're all paying for her holiday OP! She would be booted from our group. Cannot stand a sponger!

Hadn’t he thought of it like that but yes I suppose we are

OP posts:
MarionMarion · 30/03/2024 20:29

As @TinkerTiger said.
I would refuse to participate in the bottle buying thing on the ground you dint have the money now. Make it a long term thing. Sit back and watch. It might be that others have/will realise what’s going on. It might well be that she still start not being as keen in meeting up if no one is sponsoring her all the time.

Fwiw you shouldn’t need to buy more than your own drinks to keep the friendship group going….

Lighteningstrikes · 30/03/2024 20:38

It’s a horrible feeling when you realise you’ve been had-over numerous times.

She keeps doing it because she keeps getting away with it.

No more. Ever.

Fathomless · 30/03/2024 22:22

Glad you've wised up op, well done. I'm annoyed on your behalf.

lto2019 · 31/03/2024 00:54

When does she say that she is short on pennies? If it is when she is invited - I would just say oh that's a shame - maybe see you on the next night.
I wouldn't be arsed pussy footing around a taker and trying not to upset her - she is not bothered about the three of you.

anareen · 31/03/2024 00:59

There is no point in addressing it. Why are you even trying to save this very clearly one sided friendship. Stop inviting her. If others invite her I would not offer to pay for anything regarding her.

anareen · 31/03/2024 02:05

Moveoverdarlin · 30/03/2024 19:09

Just be more direct.

Come on Emily, your round!
Ooh another holiday! Lucky you! I’m skint.
You can get the 1st bottle of Prosecco Emily, as last time you didn’t get one because you were short on pennies!
Can you get the coffee today Emily? That ok? I’ve bought you loads over the years.

Before you plan the next event, say it’ll be £76 each, so it’s all fair, that ok with you Emily?

LOVE this!

altmember · 31/03/2024 10:30

When the first shared bottle arrives, ask her if she's in or out of the group drinks this week, before she has chance to pour a glass. That way she either has to commit to sharing the cost or stay solo. But if she stays solo, the rest of you will all need the will power to not offer to pour her a drink.

Movinghouseatlast · 31/03/2024 10:45

It's a difficult one. I have always done everything equally with friends, but my circumstances are a lot less than theirs. I earn half what my best friend earns and 10% of what another friend earns so sometimes I kind of feel resentful. We never go out for evenings like you are describing but if we did I would say I couldn't really afford to buy Prosecco and cocktails in bars. However I have just been on holiday to the Caribbean!

If I was extravagant, going out and spending 100's on a night out, paying for hotels etc I wouldn't be able to afford to go on holiday which is my one thing I spend money on. I don't go out to eat more than once or twice a year, never get takeaways etc.

I do think your nights out sound pretty expensive and if she doesn't earn much iit must make it difficult for her.

On the other hand I know someone who has lost a lot of friends because she's so tight!

Lighteningstrikes · 31/03/2024 11:10

@Movinghouseatlast

The whole point is she has enough money to go on a luxury holiday, but pleads poverty and leeches off her friends.

PotatoPudding · 31/03/2024 11:13

Stop facilitating her sponging.

Movinghouseatlast · 31/03/2024 11:16

Lighteningstrikes · 31/03/2024 11:10

@Movinghouseatlast

The whole point is she has enough money to go on a luxury holiday, but pleads poverty and leeches off her friends.

Yes, I know. My point was that maybe the holiday is her priority, maybe she saves for it and makes sacrifices to have it like I do.

Should she not take her kids in holiday so that she can afford nights out with cocktails and hotel rooms? It sounds to me that the other friends in the group have a lot more disposable income than she does.

£1600 isn't a luxury holiday really. A cottage in Cornwall can be that for a week.

Teentaxidriver · 31/03/2024 11:23

Since she is able to afford days out in London and holidays, she needs to stop leeching off others. Perhaps this behaviour has become entrenched after so many years? Talk to your friendship group - you are likely not the only one tired of funding her. Agree how to manage the next night out and stick together. Maybe give her a heads up before that she’ll be expected to pay her own way. I imagine she’ll drop you/ minimise you since she can’t reliably sponge off you anymore.

Teentaxidriver · 31/03/2024 11:28

Movinghouse - so she needs to make a choice. Just because someone has more disposable income doesn’t mean they should contribute to others nights out. Or is that how being progressive works nowadays?

Gall10 · 31/03/2024 11:34

She’s not your friend!

MoonWoman69 · 31/03/2024 11:37

@Picklebernard
Seems like she's got used to you being generous, no wonder she can afford the bloody holiday!!!
Time to nip that in the bud, you've got some good suggestions here, I'd go with those.
I have been there in the past, I really hate to see someone not be able to join in because of lack of funds. But if that was me and I couldn't really afford to go out, I'd just not go! There's no way I'd be a CF and turn up to sponge!
Time for tough love OP, good luck! 🌹

Viviennemary · 31/03/2024 11:37

She needs to pay her way from now on. The rest of you have been far too generous so far. If she doesn't pay up she doesn't get invited. In fact she sounds a real selfish meanie. Not sure I'd want to include her in future.

Original poster
Picklebernard · 31/03/2024 11:41

altmember · 31/03/2024 10:30

When the first shared bottle arrives, ask her if she's in or out of the group drinks this week, before she has chance to pour a glass. That way she either has to commit to sharing the cost or stay solo. But if she stays solo, the rest of you will all need the will power to not offer to pour her a drink.

I so want to do this
its not been discussed with the rest of the group and I feel that my
thoughts on this whole scenario won’t be popular
i don’t really mind being the bad guy

i like think maybe I should discuss these things with her first before I go elsewhere
she’s currently got 5 different men on the go hedging her bets as to which one will commit to her, it’s all very sordid but hey, she’s gets a free lunch every day

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklebernard · 31/03/2024 11:43

Viviennemary · 31/03/2024 11:37

She needs to pay her way from now on. The rest of you have been far too generous so far. If she doesn't pay up she doesn't get invited. In fact she sounds a real selfish meanie. Not sure I'd want to include her in future.

She’s very selfish I’m now coming to realise
on our night out I offered to drive the others and they get a cab home so they could enjoy a drink or two, she sorted herself out
she drove to the venue too but never offered a lift to anyone else
m such a mug but I believe I’m a good friend that she will now lose

OP posts:
Original poster
Picklebernard · 31/03/2024 11:44

Teentaxidriver · 31/03/2024 11:28

Movinghouse - so she needs to make a choice. Just because someone has more disposable income doesn’t mean they should contribute to others nights out. Or is that how being progressive works nowadays?

I agree totally
I’ve been a mug
no more

OP posts: