Is she a sponger or am I being too harsh?

[Picklebernard]

I keep having a chat with myself that I’m being too mean about a friend of mine
we’re part of a group of four mummies who met at baby massage and have been friends for over 10 years now
There is one of the group who’s always “short on pennies” as she puts it
whenever we’ve gone out over the years, she’s always the one who has enough to buy her own drinks and food but relies on the rest of us to get the bottles of Prosecco or the cocktails in
There has been many many occasions where I’ve happily and willingly paid for her coffe/lunch/drinks/taxis etc because I’ve known that she hasn’t had much cash
my view has been that it’s a small sacrifice if it means we can keep the friendship group together
I’m only very recently starting to open my eyes as to how she operates
We met up for an evening out, we had food, cocktails and three of us each bought a bottle of Prosecco
When it came to the bill she asked that she paid for her own meal and drink as she only had £96 and she was taking her daughter to London for a day out the next day
the rest of us split the bill equally…..you might well say nothing wrong with this, however she’d just found the cash a couple of days earlier to pay for a £1600 holiday for her and her children
Bear in mind that for this night out, I organised a hotel room for the night to save driving and offered for her to stay too
she did offer to pay towards the bill and I declined the offer because she’s not got a lot of money
I feel really aggrieved that she didn’t say, “I've come into a bit of cash so here’s some towards the room” I probably wouldn’t even have accepted it but she never even offered anything back knowing she had the cash
Never in all of these ten plus years has she ever once offered to pay for a coffee or anything else for me, never once
I’m feeling like I need to address these things with her but I feel that I’m bring mean plus I don’t want to upset the friendship group…..HELP?!?! What would you do?

Yes I shall definitely be using some of the advice given on here
I must toughen up

Yeah but as I said before make her pay on the spot. If she doesn’t or won’t then you stop inviting her out.

Or something similar to PayPal. But don’t leave it so she has to use her debit card.

Got caught with a big birthday she was treating. Anyway never happened. Im more smart now if its coffee I bring exact money for mine. Sick of this crap !

Thats a pretty low stunt!
At least you were offered the idea of being treated, that would never happen here

Yeh I should have call her out it. Its hard though. I just make sure I buy my own now. I dont do cinema with her. I hate stingy people. Not nice. Last time she changed bags .. was fumbling around bag. Lol

All of this. Exactly. And I too have recently come back from the Caribbean but like you, it's what my priority is. I don't have any kids or pets and live very frugally in order to do the one thing that matters to me - a good holiday!

"When it came to the bill she asked that she paid for her own meal and drink as she only had £96 and she was taking her daughter to London for a day out the next day".

OP, £96 is a LOT to pay on a night out with friends, especially people who seem to judge her over her situation in life overall so I would wonder over the wider picture of things and I think you're being too harsh! For me a good meet up with a friend is Wetherspoons lunch and each paying for our own so I can avoid posts like this over what people should be paying!

The bill for each of us was only around £30 not over £96, maybe I put that across wrong
her circumstances have changed to what they are only in the last 8 months, she has recently split from her husband and even when she was together with him she would pull the same stunts
its not something new
I would never expect that someone on a limited income should stump up loads for a night out
we don’t go out on lavish expensive nights out
it’s usually a meal and some wine
I’m not loaded but if I’ve got it I share it however it’s never been reciprocated from her side……ever
it’s not a judgement on her circumstances, I’ve been there but I never expected a free ride from anyone
it was a simple question, “is she a sponger or am I being too harsh?”

And my simple reply is yes, you are being harsh over the information given. If you value her as a friend maybe choose to meet her over a low cost environment more suited to her lower income? If you don't like her/respect her overall then move on and don't offer to pay extra over someone maybe happy to go out over their own set budget to pay?

I'd be more direct. "Emily I think you have got into the habit of letting the rest of us pay. I understand, there was a time when you were hard up and we didn't mind as much but to be honest it's grating. Nowadays you have money to go off to ibiza and get a Brazilian butt lift and you need to pay it forward. We have subbed you loads over the years and you need to stump up when we go out. Understood?"

I bet she drops you like a stone.

That’s what I thought when reading it, why should she commit if she does not want to yet?

It’s none of OP business to challenge her.

OP, I understood the question you posed quite clearly.
Why people are choosing to ignore your further updates and then continue on to accuse you of choosing expensive places to eat, is baffling to me! As for the comments about you being bitchy, you were merely pointing out what kind of person she is, she's a total rinser. I have been friends with exactly this kind of person; several men on the go, sponging off them until they're dry, finding an invented fault with them and moving on to the next ones. And I was in the same position as you, paying out because I mistakenly thought it's what friends are supposed to do if they can. I did it until the penny finally dropped! She didn't like being called out either and gradually moved on, as she knew I was done being her personal purse and that I could see her for what she was. To me, when it gets like this, enough is enough. I'll help anyone out, but I won't be continually sponged off! Good luck sorting it out ❤

So many of these stories sound so familiar to me lol I had similar but it wasn’t a birthday. Just a catch-up dinner and she said she’d pay (for once!).

In the end her card wasn’t working so I paid the whole thing - as usual .

she wasn’t lying - it really wasn’t working but the smile that lit up her face showed she was super glad it wasn’t. And of course she made no attempt to transfer me even half the bill later.

A whip is your best bet, suggest you all put x amount in yo cover the cost of meal and drinks, if there is anything left over or gets split 4 ways. If she says she can't afford that amount suggest a lower amount and you go to somewhere cheaper.

Thankyou for your comment
It’s to be expected that people misunderstand the point I was trying to make and also that we all have different points of view
in the world today it’s ok to shame for some things and not for others
my comment about her using men to get where she wanted to be may have been a step too far for some people and I understand that too, however if it were their dads, brothers, sons she were using for dinners, days out, shopping etc is it still taboo to expose it? It wasn’t ever that I don’t like her I simply don’t like how she operates, what reasonable person would?
there’s nothing better than treating yourself to something nice with your own hard earned cash!
ultimately I know what needs to be done and unfortunately it may well mean that the friendship will be lost
I’m true to myself, no bs, no sycophancy, just keeping it real ❤️

Let me guess, you felt awkward about broaching the subject afterwards so you didn’t?
been there many many times over the years, feeling mean for wanting time up
no more

This is a good idea and I will definitely suggest it the next time we arrange to meet up

for wanting to mention it

Also, if they fork out for things for her, she’s beholden to them…..I have said this to her because she needs to value herself
is it any way to live? Really?

Pay for your own meals and split the alcohol 4 ways if she’s accepting drinks from the 3 bottles/cocktails. She’s being very rude, normally if one doesn’t drink anything then it’s acceptable to pay for one’s own meal and bill then divided between those that drink. Easier said than done if she’s been getting away with it all these years.

And that’s exactly what she’s been doing, it’s only just more recently that the penny has dropped for me
the night out I have mentioned was just one example and that’s when I particularly paid attention to what was happening
I don’t begrudge anyone anything, especially when it means quality time with their kids but most of us are in a position where it’s one or the other, nights out/holidays/days out
Then you get the occasional chancer that is happy to live their best life on someone else’s dollar whilst firmly hanging on to their own ‘pennies’

Men are so much better with these kind of scenarios.

"Oi Dave, stop being such a tight fucker, it's your round"

I understand OP and unless you've been at the receiving end of this manipulation for an extended period it's easy to blame you.

I have a friend that operates like this. She doesn't borrow money ever. She slithers out of paying. She pays just a little short or a lot short. Never ever a little extra. It is so unattractive and I don't think you'll feel the same way about her again.

Assuming you don't want a big group fallout try to put strategies in place. Never offer to pay for anything. Never be manipulated into paying to smooth over awkwardness.

When you meet ask before you start ordering "are we paying for ourselves or sharing?" The end of a meal is not the time for her to suggest this. If she wants to live frugally she can.

I really don’t want a big group fallout and that’s why I’ve kept a lid on things for a while now
sorting things out before ordering is a good idea!
Im actually surprised that this is clearly more common than I imagined
I was beating myself up for feeling like I do and when we meet up she’s so nice (like your best mate) that I always end up feeling really guilty
I realise that this is just another tactic on her part which is you’re calculating really

Yes, the "no pennies" thing would make me shudder, too.

Next time you go out “I’m just going to pay for my own as saving for a big holiday” and make sure you do that. If someone else chooses to pay for her then that’s on them, and keep doing that and she knows that you’re not paying.
If you buy your own bottle of Prosecco and she starts to help herself ask “are we going halves, even better for me”

it is hard OP, but I guarantee there’s someone else in the group who thinks the same as you