Is she a sponger or am I being too harsh?

[Picklebernard]

I keep having a chat with myself that I’m being too mean about a friend of mine
we’re part of a group of four mummies who met at baby massage and have been friends for over 10 years now
There is one of the group who’s always “short on pennies” as she puts it
whenever we’ve gone out over the years, she’s always the one who has enough to buy her own drinks and food but relies on the rest of us to get the bottles of Prosecco or the cocktails in
There has been many many occasions where I’ve happily and willingly paid for her coffe/lunch/drinks/taxis etc because I’ve known that she hasn’t had much cash
my view has been that it’s a small sacrifice if it means we can keep the friendship group together
I’m only very recently starting to open my eyes as to how she operates
We met up for an evening out, we had food, cocktails and three of us each bought a bottle of Prosecco
When it came to the bill she asked that she paid for her own meal and drink as she only had £96 and she was taking her daughter to London for a day out the next day
the rest of us split the bill equally…..you might well say nothing wrong with this, however she’d just found the cash a couple of days earlier to pay for a £1600 holiday for her and her children
Bear in mind that for this night out, I organised a hotel room for the night to save driving and offered for her to stay too
she did offer to pay towards the bill and I declined the offer because she’s not got a lot of money
I feel really aggrieved that she didn’t say, “I've come into a bit of cash so here’s some towards the room” I probably wouldn’t even have accepted it but she never even offered anything back knowing she had the cash
Never in all of these ten plus years has she ever once offered to pay for a coffee or anything else for me, never once
I’m feeling like I need to address these things with her but I feel that I’m bring mean plus I don’t want to upset the friendship group…..HELP?!?! What would you do?

Indeed…I was hoping she would transfer the money or at least offer to but it didn’t even cross my mind to raise it with her and I think she knew I wouldn’t.

However, a short while later I was looking to get rid of a piece of sports equipment. I told her I was selling it and she said she’d like to buy it. The old me would’ve given it it to her for free (I always gift things to friends, not sell ) and I think that’s what she was banking on.

But nope, due to all her past grabbiness I held her to her offer to buy and made sure I received the £50 payment from her for the sports gear! So yeah I did eventually get my act together and she knows now that I’m not her cash cow.

@Picklebernard
Whilst she's on holiday, meet up with the other two

Get the lay of the land

But you could say to them that you're going to be a bit short for next 2-3 months, so won't be able to sub CF's drinks etc, and you're just saying now cos you don't want them to think you're being mean...
see where that takes you

That’s a exactly what I’ve done in the past, gift rather than take payment for things, particularly her as she has no ‘pennies’
I believe that’s the kind thing to do
all of the suggestions on here have been really helpful, ultimately I need to work on toughening up and not feeling bad
the most surprising thing to me is how many other people have experienced the same or similar behaviours in a friend
still I’d rather be me than her if I’ve a bit of a soft touch

Thing is OP these people have no shame and rely on your grace not to call them out. Her friendship is conditional on you paying for her and if you stop she’ll drift away as ultimately her view of friendship is very different yours.
She is a natural born user and will never change.

I have come to realise this sadly
ultimately it is her that will lose

There was a thread a while back, a group of friends used to adjust what they were doing/where they were going because one couple seemed to have very little money, I think they even contributed to a trip for 1 of the DC. Turned out 'the poor couple' weren't, they had squirreled away tens of thousands of pound for their DC, by not spending on other things.
Perhaps this is how your friend can afford her holiday?

Actually you could have a bit of fun with this. Next time you're out you could say "Moocher friend, I've been thinking about that £1600 holiday, you've just been on. I'd like our family to go on nicer holidays but we never have enough saved up. What are your top tips for saving?" That's going to be an interesting one to watch her squirm out of.

I haven’t the heart to even ask how she can afford the holiday
i I sincerely hope that she hasn’t gotten herself into debt for it but it’s not my business
I’m just miffed that even though she’s come into some cash, she still didn’t say “ hey girls, let me get a round in”
truth is I would have appreciated the offer
it’s the principal of the whole thing that’s the stinger

That’s a great suggestion
I will certainly use that one
I don’t get any pleasure out of making someone uncomfortable however I believe that she’s that thick skinned that whatever I say just won’t hit home
still anything is worth a try

Nobody is saying that she shouldn’t go on holiday, but what they are saying is that if that’s what she is prioritising then she shouldn’t be going out and expecting other to pay for her. It makes people feel used.

Yes its never a one off. I noticed it at meals she put in exact amount. I just do coffees now/cafes. Otherwise your paying up for tickets etc. Its a hard thing to bring up meanness in a friend.