Is she a sponger or am I being too harsh?

[Picklebernard]

I keep having a chat with myself that I’m being too mean about a friend of mine
we’re part of a group of four mummies who met at baby massage and have been friends for over 10 years now
There is one of the group who’s always “short on pennies” as she puts it
whenever we’ve gone out over the years, she’s always the one who has enough to buy her own drinks and food but relies on the rest of us to get the bottles of Prosecco or the cocktails in
There has been many many occasions where I’ve happily and willingly paid for her coffe/lunch/drinks/taxis etc because I’ve known that she hasn’t had much cash
my view has been that it’s a small sacrifice if it means we can keep the friendship group together
I’m only very recently starting to open my eyes as to how she operates
We met up for an evening out, we had food, cocktails and three of us each bought a bottle of Prosecco
When it came to the bill she asked that she paid for her own meal and drink as she only had £96 and she was taking her daughter to London for a day out the next day
the rest of us split the bill equally…..you might well say nothing wrong with this, however she’d just found the cash a couple of days earlier to pay for a £1600 holiday for her and her children
Bear in mind that for this night out, I organised a hotel room for the night to save driving and offered for her to stay too
she did offer to pay towards the bill and I declined the offer because she’s not got a lot of money
I feel really aggrieved that she didn’t say, “I've come into a bit of cash so here’s some towards the room” I probably wouldn’t even have accepted it but she never even offered anything back knowing she had the cash
Never in all of these ten plus years has she ever once offered to pay for a coffee or anything else for me, never once
I’m feeling like I need to address these things with her but I feel that I’m bring mean plus I don’t want to upset the friendship group…..HELP?!?! What would you do?

Quite simply, I would stop inviting her! If you don't want to do that, stop supplementing her. From now on, everyone just pays separately for food & drinks. If she can't afford cocktails, too bad. Her problem to sort.

She knows exactly what she’s doing. I had a friend like this. Never offering to buy a drink but always taking one if someone else paying, forgetting her debit card (more than once) and always being a bit short. But constantly finding the cash for regular Botox, fillers, a boob job, a tummy tuck and several holidays a year.

Note I HAD a friend - I don’t any more.

Stop offering to pay for her all the time

Thankyou for the advice
I’d already thought of doing something along those lines however when bottles are being bought I can’t not include her and if the other ladies are buying bottles I can’t not chip in
it’s a bit of a catch 22
trust me I’m not backwards at speaking my mind although I’m aware that I’m treading a fine line with this one as I’m the only
one that appears to have an issue with this, she’d immediately become the ‘victim’ and I’ll be portrayed as the bad guy

Oh dear, you've been Rinsed.......

Well did she drink from the Prosecco? If so I'd have said 'that's fine, give us X amount towards to the Prosecco that you drank as well, even Stevens!'

If she didn't then I can understand her only paying for what she had

OP maybe next time you go out you could say that you're skint this month so you're just going to get your own drinks, and decline to take part in the bottle buying/sharing

Is there someone else in the group you could mention it to separately. You might think no-one else is bothered but they could all be saying nothing too.

Next time you order say “Are you having some Prosecco or are you just paying for your own tonight?” before it arrives. She might take the hint. (She might naughtily drink it and make you seeth more..)

I agree you could end up the bad guy. I’ve had friends who in that situation would all moan about her behind her back and some that would have been aghast that I would say such an unkind thing. It’s awkward either way.

She drank from all three of the other bottles of Prosecco as well as manoeuvring one of us to buy a cocktail pitcher
I need to get tough and not feel bad

Agree. I thought that about our sponger but when another friend mentioned it all of us said ‘yes I thought it was only me who noticed’

I think I’m going to try this tactic next time
It will definitely be noticed so I have to dig my heels in whilst trying to be nonchalant

You need to say loudly ‘are the cocktails your treat?’ or words to that effect

I’m going to try this tactic too
I’ve really had enough now tbh

I agree
I just thought I was being a kind friend but it’s a one way street I realise

Yeah I’d suggest you all stay alcohol free next time and see how she reacts. And stop paying for lunch/coffee and taxis etc. if she offers to contribute to something like the hotel room, next time let her.

I had a friend who was the same and I eventually just stopped. I realised I was spending literally hundreds on her and her kids via birthday presents, always picking up the tab for lunches, dinners etc and not once did she ever so much as buy me a coffee or send me a birthday card.

My friend is also very much the type who likes to play the poor me /victim role. She’s occasionally said things like “when I get money I’ll treat you” but it’s not genuine.

The truth is if my friend wanted to - just like your friend, - they could at least pick up the tab for the occasional coffee. They don’t even need to wait to come into a large sum of money. It’s a simple case of some people are very happy with one sided friendships.

I’m glad it’s not just me
I’ve been beating myself up about it all and my bf keeps saying not to fall
out with her

Don't order bottles? Say you don't fancy drinking that or would rather get your own drinks tonight before they are ordered so you don't have to pay for hers? You might find that the others are also feeling the same way but like yourself too scared to say anything.

For the record, if I'm ever short on a night out I decline any rounds being bought for me and I also don't drink from a bottle that I have no intention of chipping in for because I'm not a cheeky fucker.

And you’ve given me another perspective right there in that if she really wanted to, she would!
Thankyou

Just be more direct.

Come on Emily, your round!
Ooh another holiday! Lucky you! I’m skint.
You can get the 1st bottle of Prosecco Emily, as last time you didn’t get one because you were short on pennies!
Can you get the coffee today Emily? That ok? I’ve bought you loads over the years.

Before you plan the next event, say it’ll be £76 each, so it’s all fair, that ok with you Emily?

This makes me chuckle and I shall put some of this into action!
I need to toughen up
I cant apologise for being a soft touch, in the same vein, I can’t be then moan at being taken advantage of

In that case how is that not being factored into the tally of what she had?

I think all of us have no problem if a mate is genuinely skint at some point. Our circle will wheats say ‘don’t be daft I’ll get you a drink’ if someone says they’ll buy their own because we know the other person will do the same back.

It’s when it’s a repeat pattern with the same person that the alarm bells ring which is what’s happening here.

Maybe try mentioning to the other ladies you’ve noticed it - you might be surprised that they have too but feel they cant broach the subject.

She would never decline a drink
she is out almost every other weekend on the piss when she’s not got her kids
shes either doing the same thing with those friends OR keeping her cash for those nights out…..

It’s definitely a repeat pattern
I’ve always said” don’t worry, I’ll sort it” from day one
ten years down the line she’s still doing the same thing