DH says he hates his life…

[Sunsetlove]

My husband and I have been together for ten years and married just last year.
We have two lovely little ones together and a beautiful house that we worked hard to get. We don’t mainly struggle for money and are comfortable. So from the outside looking in things look pretty perfect.

However, my husband struggles with being a parent and not having his freedom. He works long hours and exercises most evenings. He is then tired and strugggles with patience and two demanding toddlers that want his attention at the weekend.
I work part time and have the kids as well so it feels like I work full time too. I don’t have time for hobbies at the moment.

We argue about silly things and it turns heated (we never argued before kids)
He struggles with bouts of depression (which is since kids too) and sometimes gets low and says he hates his life. Today he said the main reason he hates his life is me… which obviously hurt and these comments push me further away from him.
I don’t know when I should give up but separating seems massive and scary and I don’t know if that’s the best thing to do…

I’m not perfect but I wouldn’t say such hurtful things. I get very upset and I don’t know what to do now…

Sorry I was going to say this too. He’s checked out of family life and the marriage.

This is not depression. As others have said this is the script.

I'm not buying the depression line either. He sounds resentful not depressed. That comment blaming you is bitterness and resentment and I absolutely would be thinking of other possibilities here. I'd start looking at my options should you need to get out of this relationship.

I'm sorry but yes it sounds like he's having or thinking of having an affair.

Not sure why he felt needed to position you as the bad guy who's wreaking his life otherwise.

I'd leave if I was you, better to go sooner rather than later is the most important life lesson I've learnt.

I think he has someone else on his mind and that's making him discontent. It's very similar to the lines spun to me from two cheating ex husbands. I hope I'm wrong but at this stage I would ask him to move out so you can both consider what you really want going forward. I really feel for you OP.

whatever his motivation, he sounds like a “blamer” as opposed to someone who takes responsibility for his own choices. It’s far easier for him to blame you for everything and tell you to take responsibility, rather than work out what’s really making him unhappy and try to resolve himself and/or get help.

I wouldn’t want a partner like that, tbh.

I would ask him

What did he think that being a father entailed ?

Why did he agree to have children ?

Why isn't he allowing you any child free time ?

I know a couple of males who have struggled being a parent. They took some time away from the family, then came back to the family.

Nobody said that being a parent would be easy

However, it is strange that so many men believe that they can walk away from their children.
Not many mothers get to walk away from their responsibilities !

Ask him what he wants ?

Does he have male friends that he can talk to ?

If he goes to stay away

Ensure that he pays you child maintenance

Ensure that you have some child free time & that he looks after the children

Another pathetic father !

As a lone parent for 14 years I can tell you life is easier without useless men in it.

Also whilst you remain the "parent" in your marriage you children are learning really unhealthy relationship dynamics.

He either shapes up or you split up.

Now it's not easy being a lone/single parent but I can tell you being in control of your own life without this eggshell situation is a lot more peaceful.

I wonder if the GP really said that or he just come home and told you that? Surely if you're depressed a GP would suggest counselling or antidepressant medication. It's highly suspicious his GP said do more things for yourself. It sounds like he just can't be bothered with his DC tbh.

I'd force the truth out of him. If you're the problem then offer to leave. To fix his life. It's the charitable thing to do. Because once you've left he'll be happy right? You'll get to see the kids because obviously you'll mind them when he's in work but once he's home you'll shag off to your parents or friends. And leave him in his blissful life now that you're not in it anymore.

Its more palatable to say you're the problem than to say he's in an affair, or wants to leave or can't be a full time dad.

He said he is looking where he could go and stay

I really hope you reminded him that he'd need somewhere big enough for the DC as well, and perhaps asked if he's given any thought to what nights he'd prefer so that you can discuss the logistics?

There was an interesting post I saw on Twitter today. I think it was written by someone just like your husband. Basically, when baby came he was pissed off that life was hard and he felt that it was too hard and he was unhappy so when they separated and he took on 50/50 he's now completely shocked that actually, his life is NOT easier.... I'll see if I can find it.

But the fact that he's blaming you, sadly, means it could be the Script as others have said. Sigh. I'm sorry.

here you go....

It's amusing that they think they can start again in a bachelor pad enjoying shagathons with ex family way in the background.

I know, it's horrible the way they think they can just abandon the wife and family they allegedly desired.

My DH was exactly like this when we had two little ones. Turns out he was shagging men. So there may not be an OW but there might be an OM. Apparently gay men can get rather grumpy when they marry women. Whodathunkit 🤷‍♀️

This. You can pull together or you can have to do all of 50%. He wants to do fuck all of fuck all. I think it's likely he's had his head turned. But that doesn't make the babies go away. So yes, he needs to understand that he can find somewhere to stay but he will need to factor in the children's care. Which is still 50%his responsibility.

Yep. I agree.

The OP is depressingly understanding of the horrible selfish cunt she’s married too. These depression bouts seem designed to manipulate the OP into letting him do wtf he wants, without question. Ugh.

Exactly

yeh, 50:50 sharing children and responsibilities and freedom to earn and free time would no doubt be an easier life for YOU op.

I also believe his head has been turned by an unmarried, non-mother. There’s why he’s so ‘depressed’ since having the kids and is blaming you for his ‘depression’.

He said he is looking where he could go and stay
I really hope you reminded him that he'd need somewhere big enough for the DC as well, and perhaps asked if he's given any thought to what nights he'd prefer so that you can discuss the logistics?

This. Tell him as he will have the children for 50% of the time, he will need to be near their hobbies / school / nursery. Suggest days, include weekdays obviously, include every other weekend.

make it realistic. Dont let him walk off without a care. Put it all in writing after youve discussed it. Sound positive about the shared parenting. And wait…

but you will have proof you didnt alienate him and he was just a gobshite selfish arsehole.

Were both kids planned?

Either way, I think there’s an OW. It’s textbook

If he’s unwell he needs to go back to the dr. If he won’t, then he can’t be that depressed…

Hope you’re alright OP xx