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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH says he hates his life…

128 replies

Sunsetlove · 24/03/2024 20:21

My husband and I have been together for ten years and married just last year.
We have two lovely little ones together and a beautiful house that we worked hard to get. We don’t mainly struggle for money and are comfortable. So from the outside looking in things look pretty perfect.

However, my husband struggles with being a parent and not having his freedom. He works long hours and exercises most evenings. He is then tired and strugggles with patience and two demanding toddlers that want his attention at the weekend.
I work part time and have the kids as well so it feels like I work full time too. I don’t have time for hobbies at the moment.

We argue about silly things and it turns heated (we never argued before kids)
He struggles with bouts of depression (which is since kids too) and sometimes gets low and says he hates his life. Today he said the main reason he hates his life is me… which obviously hurt and these comments push me further away from him.
I don’t know when I should give up but separating seems massive and scary and I don’t know if that’s the best thing to do…

I’m not perfect but I wouldn’t say such hurtful things. I get very upset and I don’t know what to do now…

OP posts:
InSpainTheRain · 24/03/2024 20:38

That sounds very tought OP. Has your H been to his GP to discuss his depression? I think that it sounds essential he gets a clear diagnosis ans also some help. Perhaps if he did and had help he could take some of the load from you too.

Candleabra · 24/03/2024 20:43

What a hurtful thing to say.
Presumably you also find life tough and tiring at the moment with small children, but rightly understand it is part of this stage of life.
It seems a big leap to say it’s all down to you - hate to ask, but could there be someone else?

oldestboy · 24/03/2024 20:44

To be honest saying that you are the main reason he hates his life really is a catastrophic thing to say in a relationship. It’s hitting the nuclear button.

Whatever his reasons, you deserve to be loved and respected even in times that are tougher.

Are you the one looking after the children while he exercises every day? Do you get equal leisure time?

Imisscoffee2021 · 24/03/2024 20:50

He has his freedom though if he has time to work out most evenings when there are two tiny kids at home! It's a shock to the system having children and it's natural to mourn your old life at times but you are in it together and he shouldn't add to your load by saying its your fault. Either he needs to get some help for these feelings or put up and shut up, you can't undo having children so what would he suggest to improve his lot!?

arethereanyleftatall · 24/03/2024 20:53

Wow op. Whatever the reason your husband is horrible to you. Horrible. How dare he have his hobbies when you don't get any time for them? How can anyone justify that as fair? The only fair way is if there is two hours disposable, then you get one hour each.

GingerIsBest · 24/03/2024 20:55

So what is he planning to do about this apparently awful life of his? I'm guessing what he wants is for YOU to fix it for him - by doing all the houeswork and the childcare. Perhaps by being available for sex on demand OR not asking anything of him. By letting him go out to golf, and rugby and cycling and spend very little time at home...

Screw that. Tell him that if he is unhappy you're open to discussing what might make him happier, but that he still has responsibilities. If he doesn't want to be with you, then fine, but he can't keep taking it out on you.

Octavia64 · 24/03/2024 20:56

He sounds like he needs help.

Small children can feel very Groundhog Day and while he can and does need to step up some people don't cope with it very well.

In your shoes I'd suggest trying to persuade him to see a GP for some help with the depression and trying couples therapy.

Autienotnaughtie · 24/03/2024 21:01

He could be making it worse if he's exercising too much . He could end up fatigued.

Not fair to blame you or to leave you to it every weekend. When do You get a break?

He needs to go gp for mh support

Iggityziggety · 24/03/2024 21:04

My ex once said this to me. What he really meant was he hated being a dad and having to put a small person first all the time, but that would sound awful so he plumped for making me the scapegoat for his inadequacies. Can your DH actually explain why it is YOU that is the main cause of HIS unhappiness, or do you think it was just convenient to blame you?

arethereanyleftatall · 24/03/2024 21:05

Exercising every day with two toddlers, jobs, and no external help, is a massive massive luxury the vast majority of people don't get.
You for example, don't.
He's using your kindness to do whatever he wants.

The obvious solution here to me if he's so knackered from the exercise, is, take it in turns. He can go Mon and weds. You go tues and Thursday.

Prydddan · 24/03/2024 21:17

So he doesn't like the constraints of being a parent. And insults the person who mitigates those constraints.

What a prince!

LTB. You and your children would be well rid.

StrawberryWater · 24/03/2024 21:24

Oh tell him to grow up.

If he's depressed then he should get help, not blame you.

Original poster
Sunsetlove · 24/03/2024 21:59

Thanks for replies. Appreciate it.

I actually just tried talking about how he hurt me With what he said.

It didn’t go well and I’m now at a loss. I never thought I would be in this position.

He did see a doctor about his depression who advised him to do more exercise and things for himself…

we had the most perfect wedding less than a year ago and I haven’t told anyone how bad things are, afraid to admit it openly I guess and hoping things change but nothing is…

OP posts:
PinkSunsetSky · 24/03/2024 22:03

He sounds very selfish.
It’s not you it’s him.

FreeRider · 24/03/2024 22:09

Sounds just like my father. He hated being a father, too. He got a job abroad when I turned 9 and from then on acted like he was a single man. Finally left my mother for another woman when I was 21.

I'd tell him he's got 6 months to get proper help for his depression or the marriage is over. You can't solve this for him and you shouldn't even try. Women are not rehab centres for broken men.

Mummame2222 · 24/03/2024 22:11

I don’t feel sorry for him. He sounds selfish and self centred. I would leave him tbh. If you want to stay and try to work through it of course that is you prerogative but you don’t owe him anything and in no way have to stay.

justasking111 · 24/03/2024 22:15

I took off to a friend's in Yorkshire with two small children. Left a long letter under his pillow about his behaviour. He had no idea where we had gone to start with. After a few days I agreed to speak to him. My friend was wonderful , we had a good time.

He was very contrite after that for a long time.

PiddleOfPuppies · 24/03/2024 22:21

I don't think there's many ways you can move on from that - it's been said and can't be unsaid. He's put the burden on you to 'solve' it and it's not up to you to fix him. He needs to understand that he is only person who can make him happy and it's up to him to work it out - and if he's already making you do the majority of childcare, there's no answer to be found there.

In your shoes, I'd be making sure I grew my own interests and hobbies rather than allowing him to get all the downtime.

Candleabra · 24/03/2024 22:22

He did see a doctor about his depression who advised him to do more exercise and things for himself…

Well yes I’m sure my life would theoretically be much easier if I absolved myself of all responsibilities and went to live on a Caribbean island. That’s not how life works. You’re a team. Yes, having kids is hard but also great in many other ways. It’s infinitely harder when you’re not pulling in the same direction. He sounds so very very selfish.

Whatsgoingonwithmyhead · 24/03/2024 22:26

If he exercises most nights he gets loads of “me time “ and why do you get none?

Why did he have the second child?

Usion · 24/03/2024 22:28

I know exactly what you're going through. My husband has told me he's not happy and is saying it is me, we also have two toddlers. So I understand how it crushes your self-esteem and makes you start to question yourself.

I think in your situation I would give him a ultimatum of 6 months, try encourage him to back to the gp, I think it sounds as if he needs alternative treatments. And if you can, can you get away for a few days? See if that gives him a wake up call to how his life will be if he doesn't come to his senses!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 24/03/2024 22:30

GingerIsBest · 24/03/2024 20:55

So what is he planning to do about this apparently awful life of his? I'm guessing what he wants is for YOU to fix it for him - by doing all the houeswork and the childcare. Perhaps by being available for sex on demand OR not asking anything of him. By letting him go out to golf, and rugby and cycling and spend very little time at home...

Screw that. Tell him that if he is unhappy you're open to discussing what might make him happier, but that he still has responsibilities. If he doesn't want to be with you, then fine, but he can't keep taking it out on you.

This.

He wants you to do all the work. He can't look at himself internally or take any responsibility he's blaming it all on you. Deeply deeply unattractive

Lookingforunicorns · 24/03/2024 22:31

Someone has turned his head. I'd put money on it. This sounds much more like he's got an OW. Depression my arse. More like selfishness and allergy to the hard graft of parenthood.

pikkumyy77 · 24/03/2024 22:32

He sounds like he is finished with this parenting life but doesn’t have the nerve to walk out. Someone who is overwhelmed and depressed usually hates themself first, before they hate their partner. He is failing as a husband snd parent—he should feel bad! But he is mad at you? He is done.

Tell him you are leaving him with the kids for a weekend to clear your head. Tell him your GP suggested more “me time.” Then go and have a really good think about how much faffing and moaning you can put up with. Read him the riot act and see if he shapes up. Leave if he doesn’t.

Fizzadora · 24/03/2024 22:33

He needs to grow up. Tell him to shape up or fuck off.