DH says he hates his life…

[Sunsetlove]

My husband and I have been together for ten years and married just last year.
We have two lovely little ones together and a beautiful house that we worked hard to get. We don’t mainly struggle for money and are comfortable. So from the outside looking in things look pretty perfect.

However, my husband struggles with being a parent and not having his freedom. He works long hours and exercises most evenings. He is then tired and strugggles with patience and two demanding toddlers that want his attention at the weekend.
I work part time and have the kids as well so it feels like I work full time too. I don’t have time for hobbies at the moment.

We argue about silly things and it turns heated (we never argued before kids)
He struggles with bouts of depression (which is since kids too) and sometimes gets low and says he hates his life. Today he said the main reason he hates his life is me… which obviously hurt and these comments push me further away from him.
I don’t know when I should give up but separating seems massive and scary and I don’t know if that’s the best thing to do…

I’m not perfect but I wouldn’t say such hurtful things. I get very upset and I don’t know what to do now…

Thanks so much for all the replies.

I do trust him to take care of the kids if he had them on his own. He’s good and hands on but would really struggle if he had them for a long period. I mean toddlers are hard work…

We tried to talk again and I was half expecting an apology from what he said, but he said that’s how he felt in that moment.
Which leaves me confused, I do still love him and I think he loves me too but it’s not healthy.

He said he is looking where he could go and stay. :(

He isn’t a horrible person in general but struggling and depression has brought out the worst in him. I haven’t told anyone still, it would be huge shock as my whole family and friends love him.

I don’t even feel anything right now though… 😐

Again, thank you for your messages x

So he’s just going to take off and let you shoulder all of the family responsibilities? Honestly , I’d ask him that directly.

How dare he treat you like this, I’m fuming on your behalf. 😡

I remember an older and wiser friend telling me when I was in my 20s that you never really know what type of man you have married until you have children and only then do some women find what pathetic, weak men they have married.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. You don't just get to opt out of being a parent if you don't like it. I'd ask him to leave immediately. You will probably be much better off without him. Completely out of order for him to blame you when you chose to have a family together. Just awful behaviour

That is a very hurtful thing to say and he is behaving unreasonably in general. Yes toddlers are hard work, but while he's taken the luxury of thrashing it out in the gym every evening, you have no such outlet, and he is as responsible for the creation and the parenting of those children as you are.

What a dick. Let him pack a bag and go and stay somewhere, meanwhile get yourself to a solicitor with all your financial info at hand and see where you stand should he decide not to come back. I would only be interested in him coming back if he took full responsibility for his own life and unhappiness rather than using it as a stick to beat you with.

Me too! 🤬

It's too hard for him so he gets to opt out. Yes toddlers are hard work but you manage. You have no choice but to manage.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are strong, you've already proven this by stepping up and being the main parent when your husband didn't.

Keep strong, tell him to go now. Bastard!!

Tell your friends and family so you have good support around you. They will want to know.

Sending lots of love and strength to you ❤️

Hope you're ok, OP.

Oh that’s crap, really.
I feel for you, I really do. He can only opt out because he knows you are there to look after the DC, and then to say cruel things to you:::
if he does find somewhere else to stay, I would be very surprised if he does look after the DC on his own for any length of time. So you are going to have to tell your family and friends in case you need support.
I have struggled with my mental health at times, and I have been a single parent for years. You don’t get to just walk away.
I hope you are okay.

You deserved more than an apology lovely. He should entirely retracted it, expressed heartfelt remorse and reminded you what an amazing wife and mum you are and how much he appreciates you.

If he’s this quick to get out the door it doesn’t seem like he’s fighting for you. Is this depression? I very much hope there is no one else on the scene.

Sending you a hand hold. You sound very strong and whatever happens - you will be just fine xxx

yes, I have to say I was also wondering if there is anyone else on the scene. Long days and evenings away from the house and then very quick to be looking to stay elsewhere. What an idiot he is.

Sounds like he’s checking out of his family and his marriage.
My DD’s partner of almost a decade has just done exactly that, hates his life ( 2 older kids he shares care of and a 5 year old with DD) needs to ‘find himself’ etc. 🙄
Funny how it’s coincided with new and regular work trips away .

I'm so sorry OP. This is hard to deal with.

I'd be very tempted to tell him since the main reason he hates his life is you then you will be going to stay with your mother/sister/friend for a while to give him a break. No, you won't be taking the children since he doesn't have a problem with them - just you.

He hates the responsibility of his life but has no problem moving out and leaving you with 100 percent of the responsibility. selfish fucker.

I would be saying to him that if he hates his life and it's because of you and the DC, what's the point staying together? He might as well bugger off and leave you to find someone who can love and appreciate you.

He is being very selfish, and I doubt that’s all the GP said. I would insist he goes back, considers medication and therapy so he learns to deal with his frustration in a better way.

It doesn’t sound like he was prepared and your children are at a difficult age. He needs help to understand he needs to suck it up and that it will get better. A third-party can get this message across better sometimes so couples counselling is a good idea.

Eugh he'll drag you down. Let him go. Pack his bag and wish him good luck with his freedom. Honestly, from a single mother, it's easier to be in an atmosphere of your own making, than forced to tiptoe around somebody else's grumpiness, or be grateful for their miserable presence. Put the house up for sale,or buy him out, or buy a smaller place.

You will be ok.
He will disappear into his own navel.
My father had depression. It had an impact on the family. I paid more of a price than my brother, but somebody had to be theceasy child as my mother was like a tightly wound weasel dealing with my father.

I'm not convinced it is depression. It's quite pathetic really. He works, gets to go to the gym every night ( hope he looks super fit as most advice is to have a day off in between sessions, so it could be a euphamism for something else). Whereas you, had to give up some work and do most of the looking after. I bet your life has changed so much more than his, not to mention the physical changes of being pregnant and giving birth. It's not like he's giving up half his days at the gym so you can exercise. You life has changed far more than his, and yet he is the one not happy or coping?
If, he's doing 'longer hours' working than he used to and 'working out' more. I think you'll find that the perceived depression and unhappiness is because someone else is in the background. Whether it's an affair or not, you and his DC's are a barrier to other 'fun'. That is how it has become your fault. Your existences are a restriction.
Was there really no clue in the years prior that he is self-absorbed and his life revolves around his needs? Did you discuss before DC's how life would pan out? Does he somehow manage to make lots of time for the gym, but doesn't take you out on date nights ?- important to stay connected, before having DC's there needs to be a babysitting backup plan, it's never great to aim to do it unless have help.

Your husband sounds incredibly selfish.

How often do we hear of women of these boards hating their life and feeling extreme stress with very young children. All the time. And these women mostly have crap husbands, do all the childcare, nighttimes and housework and often work too. What do they do? They get on with it and look after their children.

Sorry, but your husband chose to have children. He needs to shit or get off the pot.

Honestly I’d be outsourcing his “share” of the childcare to a nanny & sending him the bill.

This. Absolutely him. I think what he said to you would be a deal breaker for me. Start the paperwork rolling. He sounds very, very selfish.

Sorry, OP, but I have to say my mind went here too. He’s been exceptionally quick to suggest moving out, hasn’t he?

Please let both of your families and your friends know what is happening. He wants to be able to walk away from his responsibilities. They should know what he is doing.

yes my husband did want a second child before we conceived. He’s had on and off mental health and it’s been patchy. During a good patch (almost a year of good ish) we walked about wanting our next baby. I think it’s optimism that makes us think the depression is gone for good this time. But he always end up stopping his pills cold turkey and then having a dark bad patch

If my dh had this conversation with me I’d be saying “well thanks for clarifying, don’t let me delay your search” and show him the door.

Op he doesn’t get to say those things and stay in the comfort of your home. No laundry, no cooking, no nicely prepared bed. He’s chosen his path. No need for you to be suffering his reluctant presence while he searches for alternative accommodation. I’d be inviting my family and friends around and encouraging him out.

From now on op, and sorry to say this as it’s hard, but please remember he is not your friend. He’s not prepared to fight for your relationship or his children so he can Foxtrot Oscar.

Yup. He needs to grow up.

I think at this point I'd be politely saying it's ok for him to go. Then keep the lines of communication open. He can't just swan off into the sunset, he needs to keep in contact with the dc and also give you your time away from the dc, which means him having them solo for periods of time. Just because he lives somewhere else doesn't mean he's not still a parent.

It might actually shock him into sorting his depression out or realising what he had, and that actually his life isn't so shit.

He said he is looking where he could go and stay

With the OW, I expect.

Sorry, OP.
But this is The Script. The affair may even have been going on since before your wedding.