DH says he hates his life…

[Sunsetlove]

My husband and I have been together for ten years and married just last year.
We have two lovely little ones together and a beautiful house that we worked hard to get. We don’t mainly struggle for money and are comfortable. So from the outside looking in things look pretty perfect.

However, my husband struggles with being a parent and not having his freedom. He works long hours and exercises most evenings. He is then tired and strugggles with patience and two demanding toddlers that want his attention at the weekend.
I work part time and have the kids as well so it feels like I work full time too. I don’t have time for hobbies at the moment.

We argue about silly things and it turns heated (we never argued before kids)
He struggles with bouts of depression (which is since kids too) and sometimes gets low and says he hates his life. Today he said the main reason he hates his life is me… which obviously hurt and these comments push me further away from him.
I don’t know when I should give up but separating seems massive and scary and I don’t know if that’s the best thing to do…

I’m not perfect but I wouldn’t say such hurtful things. I get very upset and I don’t know what to do now…

OP I am in a very similar situation here. So many things I nodded at in your OP.
my husband is also very angry at me recently for vague reasons and hates his life. We have two small children. He spends a lot of time napping or exercising and only opts in to family like for an hour a day when and if he feels like it.
i read PP messages about not begging and pleading and feel a bit stupid as I have been bending over backwards to try to get him back to his happy self.
hes definitely depressed but angry and bitter and nasty with it. Not sad. Just rage.

I also don’t know when to leave. I am speaking to a councillor and all my family and friends but it has to be us to decide when to call it a day. It’s so hard isn’t it

Why did he agree to gave a second child? Genuinely curious. Was he OK with his life with just one child?

It sounds as if your DH is burnt out.

He probably does need some help. You have two toddlers, which (assuming you don't want more kids) is time limited. He needs to think about the best "package" that gets him through the two to three years as a good parent who has patience at the weekend - what does this look like? How much sleep does he need? Does he need to do high intensity exercise so frequently - for some, it's a release and for others it is a stressor, especially if done late into the evening. Then he needs to think realistically about what is reasonable given that he also needs to support you in not burning out.

Yes, getting through the toddler stage can mean you are hanging on a bit. Do you have a bit of spare disposable income to have a babysitter at the weekend once or twice a month to give you a breather together?

And yes, ultimately your DH has to let go of thinking there is a perfect life out there for him that he is comparing his current life to - he can't go back to pre kids, so the alternative for him is living alone on less income and seeing his kids less.

I think you should try couples counselling OP. Your DH is behaving very selfishly and not thinking about you, but two toddlers is really hard. Things will start getting easier for both of you in a year or two.

For the last ten years, life for him has been about getting you, keeping you, getting the house, improving the house, having a child, having a second child, planning the wedding, having the wedding…

A lot of people’s lives go like this, running on adrenaline, youth and ‘doing’. Then one day, they realise they ‘have it all’… the job, the house, the marriage, the kids. And they say, is this it? Now what? And it is the answer to ‘Now what?’ that determines the person you have married. Do they double-down now into the life they have chosen, realising it’s a long-game of both reward and responsibility; that it can often feel unrewarding in the short-term, but they are sowing the seeds of a lifetime which puts their family first. Or do they decide they are bored and begin to look for the adrenaline again outside of the marriage and family? Have you married a man or baby?

Bottomline, he needs to grow up. Possibly needs counselling to come to terms with his role as a father and husband. If he wants to be an eternal Peter Pan though, he needs to go.

OP id make a plan for splitting. It doesn’t seem like things will get better .
He’s one hell of a selfish man . Clearly always wants what he doesn’t have is how it comes across .
Id start by putting my foot down and he exercises every second day .
the other days you get to go out and exercise
If you feel you can’t trust him alone with the kids then I’d ask him to move out immediately.

With th best will in the world, a lot of men think that being a good dad is being there for the fun bits. Taking them to the park. Playing with them when you come in from work. teaching them to ride a bike etc etc. They simply aren't prepared or equipped for the slog.

Most men realise fairly quickly they need to get over this and suck it up. He's clearly not there yet so he does need to get there, and quick. I can honestly say that both DH and I found the first years really hard and while we both adored our DC and were obviously both hugely engaged, it felt relentless. But we didn't blame each other. We tried to help each other through it.

He has since said he didn’t mean the hurtful comments and it’s just a reaction to how he feels. Obviously doesn’t make any difference because it is still very hurtful

Oh really? I'd be asking what he DID mean. These people who expect you to parse their utterances and read the real meaning behind them are so tiresome and such hard work.

Sorry you’re going through this OP, he sounds like he’s being a bit of a twat.

I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. We went through years of infertility then IVF to have our kids. Our marriage really suffered, he had an affair, it was all very touch and go. But we pulled through together and are here with two small children who we both adore.

He still struggled with mental health issues and says similar things about hating his life from time to time. He has never said it’s because of me though - I think perhaps he knows I would show him the door at that point. I do say to him - if you hate your life DH there is the door, no one is making you stay here. And he always says that’s not what I want.

I think a lot of men are like this - deep down pretty selfish and a bit lazy. Parenting is bloody hard work and a lot of men are not cut out for it. I’m not saying all men - but speaking to friends - it seems to be a common theme.

I would say your DH needs to know how bloody lucky he is to have you. And that he cannot take that for granted. One more mention of not appreciating you, I would take the kids and go stay with friends or family for a few days.

@Sunsetlove @Usion @Hoolahooploop
did all your partners actively want second children? Didn’t they realise they weren’t cut out to be parents after the first?

genuinely curious as a friend has just had a second baby with a selfish man child and I just don’t understand.

Definitely agree with pp that you mustn’t let him get away with statements like you are the reason he hates his life op!

If you say something like that you have to be prepared to:

(a) sit down and discuss openly what is going wrong from his perspective, be open to hearing that he has faults too and work through it all together with a genuine open attitude aimed at resolution.

or

(b) apologise, especially when he knows how much his words have hurt you, and admit that it is easier to blame his issues on someone else rather than face them himself.

Ugh, I also went through this, I took full responsibility for the 2 toddlers - while also working full-time - and supported him through his shit, how he hated his life, how he couldn't cope, got him to the doctor, on antidepressants, organised therapy, did couples therapy, he even did a stint as an inpatient.

Anyway, turned out it was just a common or garden affair. Over 2 years long. The idiot was too cowardly to face anything. We're divorced and ohmygod my life is infinitely better now that I don't have to baby him and drag him through life. Don't underestimate the toll that this will also have on your own physical and mental health, he is putting too much on you. I ended up in hospital too as my stress manifested physically, I'll never forgot how I felt during those years and what it took for me to hold it all together.

He’s a classic selfish man child. Can you afford to keep your lovely home without him living there?
I’d get rid.

The problem is, like many many men, your husband is simply too selfish to be a father.

All he thinks about is what he wants, what would make 'him' happy.

And, this is the big problem - he will never ever learn to not be selfish.

Kids are hard. Hard hard work. And simply not suited to selfish people. It is a shame he wasn't aware of that before he chased the dream.

When men are selfish, it ALWAYS ends up as an affair. Whether it's happening right now, or in ten years time. Probably just as soon as the opportunity arises. They simply can't think beyond getting their own needs met.

I know you don't want to divorce op, but I think you need to seriously realise this will end in divorce. The only question is when.

I'm sorry op, its hard when you realise how life hasn't worked out how you wanted it to. But, once you are single and settled, whenever that is, in my experience, you will be happier. Shockingly much happier.

With the benefit of hindsight, I think I would have divorced sooner than I did. I think it would have been easier for my children.

It is ok—more than ok—to demand more of him. Having a marriage, house, and children is a privilege and an honor. You have trusted him with these children. The children trust him. The fucking bank trusts him. If he can’t accept the responsibility joyfully he needs to honorably find a way to manage ending the marriage and mortgage and still coparenting.

Just tell him: these are your responsibilities and they are non- negotiable . Your sadness or anger are completely not my problem and I am insulted that you have tried to make them my problem. If you aren’t happy solve the problem like an adult.

I think family life isn't what many men think it is when they don't have kids. It has some great parts to it for most but is also quite tying , takes a lot of spontaneity out of life and often is really expensive if you have certain standards (bigger home, bigger car, higher bills) etc , far less easy to do cheap warm and sunny holidays , especially with more than one. But I think the biggie with a lot of men is they are no longer the number one priority for many women. In my experience so many men are deeply selfish and want to be in the driving seat. These things aren't always that obvious for years . So many women think men will step up to the plate if they have kids, but many (not all I know) simply do not and the women ends up doing it all to keep the peace and keep certain standards. This is more of an issue these days too with women expected to also be bringing home the bacon.

I should have added to my original post not to underestimate how young your children will be when they start to pick up their father's attitude towards them and their mother.

I was about 7, and started seeing how my friends fathers acted so differently to my father - they actually wanted to do stuff with them and had positive happy attitudes towards them and their mothers.

I'm 55 now and last year my mother said 'I always did what your father wanted when you were children (they made some terrible life decisions that are still having an impact on myself and my two brothers) because your father would threaten to leave if I didn't'....she was very taken aback when I said she should have let him leave.

My older brother has told his wife (who then told my mother) that he has no happy childhood memories.

Notice that I used THEY made some terrible decisions - I hold my mother equally responsible. She was the adult, she had agency over her life and should have put her children, not her marriage, first.

He is blaming you for his poor mental health, boredom and groundhog days. This is not you op. The issue is with him. Given how long it took you to marry was he reluctant before?

This gives him the perfect excuse to 'look after himself' as he has been instructed to do. I would be concerned he is considering or has already started an affair, if he hates his life he can justify meeting his own selfish needs. I would be checking he is actually at the gym and working long hour op, because this is a classic sign.

Assuming he isn't having an affair, I would proceed with couples counselling urgently.

Don’t use the house and children as an excuse. Rent a house. I was in exactly the same situation a few years ago, I found a rental, took out a loan for the deposit and moved out. My ex husband had to give me half of the equity. Let’s see how your husband feels when he has to have the kids on his own every other weekend. Honestly you deserve better than this, and so do your children. You might find it hard at first but at least you won’t have to sleep with him.

Yes and sorry to say but I think a lot of the “good” fathers I’ve observed find it hard to parent as a team as they have to be in control of everything which is done their way, and some even try and turn their dc against their partners such is their need for control.

From what I see, he just hasn’t matured into a grown-up life.

This happens with a lot of men.

Wanna go out with the lads, stag do, gym gym gym. They apparently haven’t learnt that life moves on and you have to mature with it.

Having fun is something to fall back on IF you have the time, NOT the main part of life.

I’ve yet to meet a mum who has this weird outlook on life.

He has since said he didn’t mean the hurtful comments and it’s just a reaction to how he feels. Obviously doesn’t make any difference because it is still very hurtful.

Exactly, OP. He can’t take out all his frustrations on you, he needs to grow up and take responsibilities for his own feelings. We all feel frustrated sometimes, but we don’t blame our partners for our life choices.

I know that you’ve already told him how hurtful his comments are. Personally, I’d follow up by saying that he needs to stop blaming you for his life choices. If he’s not happy, he needs to work out how to improve his MH. You’re not his therapist!

This is my advice after over 20 years of marriage anyway. I sometimes feel discontented, but I’ve learnt to not to whine to DH, I work out/seek advice on how to improve the situation.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP, must be draining to have those words on your mind.

May I ask: do you find him capable of looking after the kids so you can go out and do your own thing?

I see similarities in my situation (nothing near as bad as what you've told us, just generally OH disappointment by what this new life means plus maybe depression), but I can say one thing that puts me off taking time for myself is my OH's willingness/experience/patience to be alone with our LO for a stretch (think nappies and entertainment beyond TV).

If you're the same, this is something we need to work on! Plenty of Dad's take a bigger caregiver role and are totally capable. What's more, if you were to separate (for sake of argument, I wouldn't advocate in general) he'd be spending any time with his kids as a single, therefore only responsible, parent.

He is a lazy selfish emotionally abusive cunt. You deserve better.