Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

I do class myself as bisexual because I still find some women sexually attractive, I have had instances where I’ve had to pull back from female friendships because I’ve felt myself develop inappropriate feelings for them, and when I fantasise it’s usually about women.

And I know that if my DH ever suggested a FFM threesome I’d jump at the chance 😂

I’m extremely sexually attracted to men on a physical level, but with women there’s just something ‘different’ - it goes deeper than physical attraction, it’s just some kind of spark that I can’t really explain.

I have spent years and years going round in circles trying to make sense of myself so in the end I’ve just concluded I’m bisexual even though I’ve only ever had one fling with another woman. We were both each others ‘first’ in dabbling with the same sex so I think we found a connection in the confusion we were both feeling about our orientations.

I do not clearly feel any such thing. But I did make some assumptions based on what she said and extrapolated based on decades of knowledge and understanding. She was free to correct me at any time.

The OP said "I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start."

She immediately worries about supporting him, rather than getting support for her own feelings. I considered that a red flag and it sounded like a woman who has been programmed to "Be kind".

Could be wrong, but then she went on to say: "I just feel hurt because I can see him thinking he has hurt my feelings but it hasn't." which again is all about putting his feelings above her own.

The OP also said: "We have friends who are of varying sexualities and friends who have transitioned so it's not a new area. I just want to make sure I support him well as his wife." Not an environment she might feel comfortable saying "I'm not ok with this."

Maybe she's not subjugating herself, but from the tiny amount of information she has given and the very few lines she has written she still manages to mention his needs and feelings repeatedly.

And I didn't jump from "Does your husband want to have sex with other men’ to ‘are you ok with a sexless marriage’.

I said: If he wants to fuck men, are you ok with this? If you are not ok with him fucking men are you willing and happy to lead a sexless life and just stay together as friends?

It's not helpful to misrepresent what I said, it makes you sound disingenuous.

And yep, anyone can be attracted, or not attracted to anyone for any reason or none.

"I said: If he wants to fuck men, are you ok with this? If you are not ok with him fucking men are you willing and happy to lead a sexless life and just stay together as friends?"

This makes no sense - why would a bisexual man not want to continue having sex with his wife, even if he was also attracted to men? Same as she continues to fancy him as well as fancying random celebrities, say. Why would the marriage become sexless?

She immediately worries about supporting him, rather than getting support for her own feelings. I considered that a red flag and it sounded like a woman who has been programmed to "Be kind".

Wanting to support your partner because they've said something that's commonly accepted to be a thing people struggle with is... a red flag? Truly, dating/therapy jargon is out of control.

(You always know that the people who rail against "be kind" have never once considered being kind in their actual lives.)

My DH can fancy who/what he wants as long as its not illegal and he doesnt actually cheat
I dont need to hear about it though

@HollyKnight :

"I think it’s important to question why ‘straightness’ is important to them."

Why it's important to them? Because it is the norm, the most people do fall into this category.

89.4%

straight or heterosexual (89.4% of the population aged 16 years and above in both England and Wales) gay or lesbian (1.5% in both England and Wales) bisexual (1.3% in England, 1.2% in Wales)6 Jan 2023

And incase anyone questions whether people are honest in surveys, it is still accepted that heterosexual is the biggest category, most people are in this group rather than gay,bi, trans, any other orientation grouping.

That’s not an answer to “ why it is important to them” Oblomov.

I fully accept that more people are straight than bi. So?

Firstly sorry for the lack of replies. I'm self employed and it gets a bit hectic sometimes and trying to keep up here is hard 😂

It's been a long couple of weeks and there is still progress to be made but I'm very confident and secure that our marriage is still strong, full of love, admiration and commitment.

At no point do I think he has slept with anyone else.

My viewpoint has always been that it doesn't change who he is, just that I need to get to know this new side to him from my viewpoint. He still the clever, hilarious, hard working man I fell in love with.

From conversations we've had, he has been struggling with figuring this out for years but was frightened most when younger was what his parents would say. Both his dad and step father are vicars so I can understand that. It's also clear that he has wanted to discuss it for years but was worried I'd bolt and just give up.

Again thank you to those with constructive contributions (on lots of sides of the conversation)

You sound wonderful OP 💐

He's incredibly fortunate (going by some of the MN responses he could have been met with!) and I agree, you do sound lovely OP!

How young are you both OP? Sorry if you mentioned it. Do you have a family?

I hope you are happy. I don't think I would like it but its not me it's you.

We're in our 30s with two children

And I didn't jump from "Does your husband want to have sex with other men’ to ‘are you ok with a sexless marriage’.

I said: If he wants to fuck men, are you ok with this? If you are not ok with him fucking men are you willing and happy to lead a sexless life and just stay together as friends?

that’s the exact same thing, you wally!!

Oh, I'm very glad that things are working out for you, OP. I hope that things continue to go well. I think my husband is extra- great because he was the best person for me out of an even bigger group of potentials, and I hope that your marriage ends up with you feeling as valued and treasured as I would want my husband to feel.

“he was the best person for me out of an even bigger group of potentials”

what a lovely way of putting it!

OP said in her third post, which was 11 minutes after her first post, that she didn’t think he had been unfaithful. She confirmed he hadn’t in her 8th post. It’s a 22 page thread. If you are going to ask her questions, maybe at least read her posts first?

So? 4.7% of the UK is vegetarian and I don’t see that being important to many people.

@IAmThe1AndOnly totally 100% agree with you.

How are you doing OP?

Really good actually.

Still some awkward conversations but I feel a lot more positive and do you know what. It's all ok.

I'm still proud to be the person anyone could tell something like that to.

Oh that’s great!