Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

Anyone telling you that you are biphobic because of that is wrong.

Dating is not an equal opportunity venture.

Correct. Thinking otherwise is incel shit.

If my dp sat me down and said he was bisexual, I would assume he wanted to have a relationship with a man. Especially if we had been together for so long and he's only just bringing it up now.

If that's not the case then why would he wait so long to tell his wife when he knew he was bisexual before they got together.

This assumption that it's OK to burden the minority like this is homo- and biphobic BTW.

There are plenty of minority things that would be a deal-breaker for me, and so, because they are deal-breakers, I ask about them.i will.ask about jobs, about whether they've recently eaten or touched a food I'm allergic to, about STIs, about whether they are sober, about what my sexual boundaries are and whether they are prepared to respect them.

I don't just assume that because something vitally important to me is unusual that it won't apply in that particular case.

You really are being childish.

You mention the things at an appropriate time.

So, before I sleep with someone, I want to know unusual things about them that are to do with sex. I expect them to start that conversation.

Before I cook for them I want to know unusual things that refer to their diet, like allergies and preferences. I expect them to start that conversation.

Things like that.

Is being bisexual unusual?

I think it's something I'd want to talk through together with a professional counsellor, tbh. It's great he's been honest now, but not great that he's concealed a very large part of himself for a long time. And I'd want to know why now? Has he been exploring? Does he want to try something different? And it may be easier for both of you if someone else is leading the conversation between you.

I wish you well, OP.

Oh gawd, the woman has to be “supportive” as per usual (to a man who has been lying to himself, her and others for years….) . I wonder if he has thought of her feelings at any time?

Of course some women are fine with their male partner being bisexual, I would say a minority though. Other women would find it a turn off.

I don’t think most men view bisexual women in the same way at all! Either they are neutral or even very positive about it of course 😆. So all the out and proud female bisexuals on this thread are very naive (and arrogant) to compare the two imo.

So, being raped and being bisexual aren't the same, but they can have some things in common in a homo- and biphobic society:

• Shame.
• Fear.
• Denial.
• Repression.
• Dissociation.
• Trauma.

I was with one partner for three years when my childhood sexual assault, which I couldn't consciously remember prior to that point, came barreling back into my head like a tsunami. He came home from work to find me bleeding and sobbing. I told him what had happened all those years ago.

I wasn't able to have sex for a long while afterwards, which is one of the things that finished our relationship. Did I sit him down to tell him my sexual assault history as a precursor to some kind of withholding sex script? Did I lie by not telling him sooner?

I don’t think most men view bisexual women in the same way at all! Either they are neutral or even very positive about it 😆.

Men sexually objectify us, sometimes to the point that I feel violated and sick. That's not a positive.

In comparison to the percentage who are heterosexual, yes. It’s not a negative, it’s just a fact.

Mineagain, I'm curious about the things that you feel you should disclose to a potential sexual partner. I don't want you to disclose those to me, because that would be weird and creepy and intrusive, but I would like you to consider whether there are non-standard things about you that you haven't even considered might be an issue because they are not something you give mich thought to, which might be a deal-breaker to.someone else.

I don't make other people responsible for what I'm affected by. It's called being an adult.

It's childish to expect someone else to read your mind.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia Im not saying it’s positive for gods sake. I’m saying many men (and even women) view female bisexuality differently and female bisexuals who compare male bisexuality to women’s bisexuality are missing this. 🙄 Also female bisexuality does not have the same taboos surrounding it for various reasons, so they are NOT comparable is all I am saying and it is very naive to do that and paint themselves as some kind of courageous sexual vanguard, when in reality there are much less taboos around female bisexuality!

As a straight woman, when dating men, I would expect to be told if they were attracted to men. Liking a body that I can’t provide wouldn’t work for me. You’ll have to use your imagination to work out some of the less common sexual things that I would mention and expect to be mentioned to me. Things that might not be for everyone, I’m sure most of us know what’s more common and what’s more unusual from reading things, watching things, reading things, talking to others.

It's not a positive, and I'm sorry you've had that experience. However, I think that all that the PP is saying is that these mens' inappropriate, objectifying reactions are not coming from the same place as straight women's reactions to bisexual men.

I wouldn't worry about supporting him tbh. Is he supporting you and being sympathetic towards you having to deal with this information? I would focus on supporting yourself.

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👍🏻✨🏆✨

Couldn’t agree more! Well put.

Being bisexual does not and should not define you as an individual anymore than, as you say, your political persuasion or anything else that makes up a fraction of who you are. It says something that sex is so important to ppl that we all must be clearly defined by it and each placed inside an easily identifiable category for the security and peace of mind of others.

Do ppl who enjoy the thought of S&M have to announce this to potential partners or the fact they’re attracted to ppl from particular ethnic backgrounds? Could we assume whenever said person appeared they’d be in danger of rushing over to proposition them just bc they ticked that criteria? I agree it’s nobody else’s business, particularly if you’ve committed to a relationship - the whole - but you must want to be with someone your own gender, especially if you’ve never experimented before - is so offensive. It assumes you’re a faithless, disloyal cheat and (unless they have past experience to refer to) that you are not in full control of your sexual urges and are on the hunt day and night. Also that you’re not discerning and could potentially shag anyone! If it was a heterosexual couple, the partner accusing you of straying without just cause would be deemed jealous and insecure, but if their partner is bisexual it’s a justified concern? Sorry no.

Also, as previously stated, some ppl may not be fully aware or accepting of this label of themselves. They may fantasise about their own gender sexually but have no intention of physically exploring this, for any number of reasons. Is it a cop out if you don’t want to get physical? Does that take the label away from you bc you’re not a ‘fully committed’ bisexual individual?

It’s an interesting debate and obviously a highly sensitive one.

Honestly, my experience is that both men and women have some weird subconscious beliefs that men are (a) dirty and somehow soil their sexual partners, but also (b) irresistible and will always be a more attractive partner than a woman.

So straight women often feel disgust at the thought of their male partner having had "dirty" sex with another man, and worry that their partner will leave them for a man.

And a not insignificant number of lesbians also feel the same way about bisexual women - that they are icky because of the exposure to cock, and that they will leave them for a man.

Whereas more men seem to like the idea of "winning" a partner from a woman, and are less likely to see past sex with a woman (from a male or female partner) as an inherently damaging/permanently tainting act.

Thanks for having my back on this.

I'm alarmed at the number of people who seem to lack Theory Of Other People's Minds and show a large amount of <a class="break-all" href="http://web.archive.org/web/20101225091701/isnt.autistics.org/socialdelusion.html" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Social Delusion:
Perhaps the "normal" people are suffering from a delusion, a SOCIAL DELUSION. They think (erroneously) that they are alike, that they have already communicated and that no more communication is necessary.

How else do I explain this expectation that I will somehow magically know what dealbreakers must be proactively disclosed, without prompting, prior to sex? And know that bisexuality (never homosexuality or heterosexuality, only bisexuality) must be disclosed unprompted whilst a whole load of IMO more important things, like prior use of prostituted women paying to rape someone, don't have to be disclosed unprompted?

How come bisexuals have to read everyone else's minds but the man who raped a trafficked Romanian woman isn't expected to read mine?

Who is harmed by this and who benefits from it? Not bisexual women.

We get beaten up and raped by male partners almost twice as much as straight women do. I linked the source upthread. Being out to a male partner is an act of courage.

I suggest that OP get counseling for herself on her own and he should get some for himself.

Believe it or not, I share the concerns raised by some other posters about OP ending up being this man's emotional support human during his coming-out journey. It's not for her to take that on.

You can think that without being all ZOMG LTB he'll be at the gay sauna before you know it.

I really hate how Mumsnet breaks Archive.org links.

web.archive.org/web/20101225091625/isnt.autistics.org/theory_of_mind.html

That's not an absolute, and not all "preferences" can be defended by simply throwing out phrases like "sexual sovereignty" or "dating is not an equal opportunity venture."

To throw in an extreme example, I'm sure if a man said he is not attracted to fat women, or women above a certain age, or women who don't shave, or women who do not wish to cook and clean, I think those "preferences" would come under a lot of criticism and he would not be able to defend himself saying "dating is not an equal opportunity venture."

The world consists of more subtle shades of grey. Yes, people can have preferences, but those preferences must be moulded and shaped by emotional maturity, compassion, thoughtfulness, and good character.