Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

I think it’s important to question why ‘straightness’ is important to them.

Who needs to question it? If you mean you/other people, then no, that is no one else's business. If you mean themselves, also no. Why would it be important to question themselves over something that neither hurts them nor anyone else? Most people are quite happy just being attracted to what they are attracted to and don't feel the need to work through a bottomless list of things they aren't attracted to.

I dated a man in my early twenties who had had a sexual encounter with another man in the past. He did not view himself as bisexual (some might disagree with that label for himself – I don’t know, it’s not my place to label him. Maybe he was bisexual if you can ever agree on ‘rules’ to such things). We were together 5yrs and broke up due to unrelated reasons. I did not ever think of or dwell on this

That was over 15yrs ago now. To my knowledge he would be the only person I’ve dated who could be described as bisexual before or since – though perhaps it just hasn’t been disclosed to me!

I can’t really say why I have a strong opinion about it. I just do. Maybe there is a deep seated reason I haven’t yet uncovered.

I didn’t say they need to question it. I said I think it’s important to question it. This is a debate and people share their opinion. Many people do or don’t do things which I think are important – and I live with that just fine.

I think it's always important to question why you think the things you think. It's interesting. So much of what we instinctively believe is social conditioning and a lot of it is worth undoing - why so many women are fixated on being a wife and a mother as their ultimate life goal. That's an example of something I had to think about in order to get over as a child-free woman. I'm interested in why I like what I like because I gain better self-understanding through it - why do I like this song or this sport or this kind of man.

I also thought your post in which you unpacked the prejudices behind why bisexuality might be a turn-off - ie in which you questioned why "straightness" might be important to some people - absolutely nailed it on all three counts, and was valuable for doing so.

I suppose a lot of people can go through life without having to question anything, particularly if you conform to western society's norms, but dismissing those who need or want to question things isn't a great look.

In terms of this thread I would saying "questioning why straightness is important to you" is quite fundamental to the topic, ie advising a poster whose husband has come out as bisexual, so it's a bit strange for posters to come into this thread with no interest in unpacking it.

HollyKnight is being reasonable.

It's OK to be straight and want a straight partner. It's up to the person with that requirement to disclose it though. It's OK for a lesbian to want a lesbian partner. It's up to her to disclose that requirement though.

I will not endorse "cotton ceiling" bullshit.

@HollyKnight I don't feel lacking because I don't have a penis, nor do I value them. Can't say I really think about them tbh 😅

Well I was wrong to say I was embarrassed for you. I thought you or/and your DH were bisexual and you were offended but this is not the case.

I also don't think you are right for calling people biphobic if the only thing they have done is not include bisexual people in their dating pool.

That's just my opinion though.

It’s been enjoyable and interesting discussing it with you regardless of where we end up!

I know I'm going to sound a bit up myself with this - but I think it takes a certain level of intelligence to even want to understand oneself, let alone other people. It is a level I would guess the majority don't possess. In my experience, most people operate on a more base level. An animalistic one. They just go with their feelings and rarely question why they feel things. I don't think everyone has the ability to do that, even if they wanted to. Having children is a perfect example of this. How many people actually question why they want children and what it means in a wider context? The survival of the species actually relies on people not questioning it. That is the "norm".
I accepted a long time ago that I don't think like the "norm". And because of this I've lowered my expectations when it comes to other people. You're never going to open the minds of people who don't have the capacity to see beyond their basic animal instincts. So I think just let them get on with feeling what they feel, but call them out when they spread hatred and misinformation because that is what is harmful.

Once again, I think we are talking at cross purposes. It is clear this is opinion based.

Let's see what updates the OP posts in 6 months

That's good! Nor should you. I'm assuming you're not one of the previous posters though who said they wouldn't want to be with a bi-man because they would be too worried he'd go looking for a penis because they can't fulfil his need for a penis.

<hums the Monty Python “Isn’t it awfully nice to have a penis?” song>

😀

I prefer to borrow one and let the owner take it back.

😀😀😀

Seems fair enough :D

Ah, this is interesting.

A cousin of mine married a man, divorced him as they didn't get on, met a woman and entered a CP with her. They had a couple of kids by IVF and she now considers herself lesbian, not bisexual.

Are you referring to the man I dated? He was a teenager when he had the one encounter. He’s in his 40s now and only ever dated women since teens. He definitely considers himself straight.

Yes, I was… just thought it was interesting that anything from a one off encounter (like your guy) to an actual marriage (like my cousin) didn’t lead to either of them identifying as bisexual, but each as monosexual.

A PP said she thought sexuality was more fixed than fluid, but I guess for both of those people, it isn’t/wasn’t.

I am 41 years old and I had one fling with a woman about 15 years ago which lasted only 2-3 months and apart from that I have only ever had boyfriends. I had lots of boyfriends before her and lots of boyfriends after her, including the one I eventually married.

I have spent so much time going over and over in my mind as to whether those 3 months with a woman, which happened amongst the 25+ years I’ve been dating men (or been married to one) means I’m bisexual?

Does that one short fling with a woman in the space of 25 years make me bisexual? Or was I just being experimental?

It’s very hard to label oneself in situations like that.

I can’t pretend to have read the whole thread so I may be missing something, but there are two things I don’t understand about your post:

1. you clearly feel that this a red line for the OP and that she is trying to subjugate her needs to her husband’s, whereas the OP posts I’ve read seem to be coming more from a place of love as well as surprise, uncertainty and curious
2. there is a big jump from ‘does your husband want to have sex with other men’ to ‘are you ok with a sexless marriage’. There are way more options on the table. For instance my husband may from time to time want to have sex with another woman, but he doesn’t because we are in a monogamous relationship. Others have open relationships which is a huge spectrum in itself.

again, I might be missing something because I haven’t read the whole thread but this sounds like you are really projecting your own feelings on to the OP.

just to add, I do think it is someone’s right not to be attracted to bisexual people if that’s how they feel. It takes all sorts to make a world

@HeadInTheSand0324 yes, agree - do you think “heteroflexible” would fit you better?

I have had a few casual things with women but my serious relationships have all been with men, so perhaps some wouldn’t consider me bisexual on that basis!

Well put @Dazedandconfusedma

Wow
how on earth do you get from OPs posts to her DH wanting to have sex with men and them being in a sexless marriage?
this is what we mean by biphobia.
people of all sexualities do or don’t cheat and do or don’t have a sexless marriage. It’s not dependent on sexuality.