Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

@shuggles

what is or isn't an issue for someone is their choice, it's not up to you to tell other people they shouldn't find it a problem!

It's not all about him, is it? Him wasting her time is more important - She hasn't lied.
It's about the effect on his wife of discovering that he has deceived her about something so fundamental She has to start worrying about her future now. She has to struggle to trust him because she now knows he's untrustworthy. She has to worry about what he's been up to and for long. Has he been making a fool of her for years or is this a new thing? Has he even tried it out?What is his purpose in telling her this?

I’m bisexual, mid 30’s. Never “come out” as such, I’ve always been aware I am. But all my long term relationships have been with men. I’ve always been open with it, not because I’m a particularly open person (quite the opposite actually), but because it just is.

The “you’d be an equal opportunities cheater” jokes have been made from time to time. Oh how I laugh.

In my day to day life it just means I’m as likely as my partner to say “isn’t she beautiful” when watching tv etc.

No, he isn’t asking that. He has shared, with his partner, an element of his sexuality that he either didn’t realise or didn’t understand in full.

I’m bi. All my long term relationships have been with men. I have had briefer relationships with women.

It’s interesting that, given men are statistically more likely to cheat even if they do identify as being 100% heterosexual, it’s the bisexual element that really tips some women over the edge.

Is being cheated on with a man somehow worse than being cheated on with a woman?

It's difficult to understand why someone would be turned off by a characteristic that cannot be seen, causes no differences in personality, and does not affect someone's behaviour within a relationship.

Bi now, bi later. Quit with the biphobia. We exist.

It would be a complete deal breaker for me, I want my partners to be hetro. I don’t want to sit and lecture other people about being sensitive and supportive and argue that it’s no big deal when I would be packing my bags. I would still be sympathetic, but I don’t like how women are pressured into these ambiguous sexual situations under the guise of being good little wives. And I sure as hell wouldn’t want to get dragged into some bizarre bedroom roleplay which always seems to be on the cards.

By that reasoning, I shouldn't have come out to my mum, my dad, my sister, etc because it doesn't matter to them what my sexuality is and you could as well ask of me "what did I intend to do with this statement?"

For me, it’s this: “Regardless of where he goes from here, the most concerning thing to me about your posts is how much you're sublimating your own reactions and feelings, mainly concerned not to trouble him at all. This will only bottle things up that you need to explore and talk about together. You're his wife and it's totally fair enough to have discussions after a revelation like this. If you need help, or if his MH really is so much in jeopardy, get a counsellor involved, But you can't be on eggshells not knowing and trying to be supportive. There's a huge spectrum of what could be going on and it's best not to be guessing.”

It’s great that you want to be supportive but it also reads as if you are intending to completely sublimate your own feelings about this. There must be a middle ground. It’s quite a revelation and you’re allowed to wonder whether this is just information he wants to share or whether he sees himself wanting to explore a relationship with a man.

As an aside, why can I never find myself one of these bisexual men? I've had MMF threesomes and would welcome another, yet all the men who would be up for that seem to be marrying women who want straight husbands. Do these men like pissing their wives off or something?

There's historically been a worry about women catching HIV from bi men. The risk factor is anal sex, and with the rise in het anal sex, that worry is now more "equal opportunity" in terms of the sex of the affair partner. Even the blood and transplant service recognise this: the donor screening form asks about anal sex (the act), not sex (as in male or female) of partner.

Goddess, but there’s a lot of biphobia here.

I am a bi woman married to a (straight) man. It’s not a stepping stone to gay, it’s just attraction to both sexes.

It’s a preference though isn’t it?

Gay people are attracted to those of their own sex. Bi people are attracted to either sex, so why aren’t heterosexual people allowed to be attracted to heterosexual people?

IMO being bi doesn’t equal you’re going to go off and experiment with other men/women, plenty of bisexual people are in monogamous relationships. But as a heterosexual woman i want to be in a relationship with a heterosexual man. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that, in fact accusing people of being biphobic for daring to have a preference is just another step towards disallowing heterosexuality

That's just how some peoples sexuality works, why can't that be accepted?

I agree.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with a bisexual man. Sexual preference and attraction are strange things, not always explainable, you like what you like.

Gay people are attracted to those of their own sex. Bi people are attracted to either sex, so why aren’t heterosexual people allowed to be attracted to heterosexual people?

One of these things is not like the others.

• Gay people are attracted to those of their own sex Correct
• Bi people are attracted to either sex Correct
• why aren’t heterosexual people allowed to be attracted to heterosexual people? "Heterosexual" isn't a sex. Heterosexual people aren't defined by being attracted to other heterosexual people, they are defined by being attracted only to those of the opposite sex.

You can set whatever limits you like but don't conflate a sexual orientation with a sex class to justify it because it's a logical fallacy and dishonest.

in fact accusing people of being biphobic for daring to have a preference is just another step towards disallowing heterosexuality

You are well into homo- and biphobic dogwhistle territory here. I don't think that anyone has said you can't have a preference about your partner's orientation. People, including me, have objected to harmful and untrue stereotypes about bisexuality being a stepping stone to homosexuality (it isn't) and propensity to cheat. Objecting to stereotypes isn't the same as telling someone that they can't say no to dating a bi person.

The idea that anyone is disallowing heterosexuality, or that the most common sexual orientation could even be "disallowed", is Westboro Baptist levels of asshattery.

I get your point, it doesn't make sense to me either. It doesn't have to though.

People have the right to sovereignty over who they have sex with and marry. They can say "no" to someone for any reason, including reasons that others find problematic, offensive, or utterly batshit, and that "no" should be respected.

The Equality Act's non-discrimination clauses rightly don't apply to people's sex lives.

I don't think that anyone has said you can't have a preference about your partner's orientation

I'm right: no one has said that you aren't allowed to have a preference about your partner's orientation. One poster said she didn't understand such a preference, which isn't the same thing.

You're not in a committed relationship with them though.

As a previous poster said, the bisexuality isn't really an issue (well for some anyway), its the announcing it after so many years together that's the issue. Clearly he's been thinking about this.

If he had said from the get go he's bi, and then committed himself to a relationship with OP, there's no issue there (for some). But whilst in a relationship to then announce he's attracted to men, that's a different matter. Why even announce it? Someone has previously said "its to know me for everything that I am", but that's a selfish reason that serves no-one but yourself as you are basically telling your partner you are thinking about others outside of the relationship. If you realise you are bi and committed say nothing; bisexual people like to state being bi is inconsequential as they are committed to the person they are with, well then show how inconsequential it is by...saying nothing. It's a contradiction otherwise.

Maybe not on this thread yet, but you know that it happens on every single thread and the narrative then is that women who only want to be with heterosexual men are prejudiced, biphobic and basically just wrong.

At this point we're allowed to preempt it and to just state that it's fine if that is someones preference, and it's not biphobic........and maybe eventually someday that will go back to being accepted just like most other things related to sexual preferences are!

The comparison to my family is that, for this man, his wife is his closest family and his best friend. It's about him not keeping that secret from his closest family and best friend. It's about him not feeling that he has to keep that secret from his closest family and best friend, just as I didn't have to keep it from my family.

you know that it happens on every single thread

Does it? I've only ever seen "he'll come out gay next" and "he'll cheat with blokes" come up over and over again. It really does get old.

It does. I’ve been accused of being phobic on similar threads before for saying that I wouldn’t date a bisexual man. Apparently being bi phobic was the only explanation for it. 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP seems ok with it so I don’t really think anything needs to be done. Presuming they have both signed up to be monogamous, him being bisexual has no relevance to their relationship.

Yes it happens on every thread where people ask about dating bisexual men...(I know that that wasn't what this thread was about) and I think that poster knew exactly what she was saying by saying she didn't understand it. It's not difficult to understand that different people have different preferences.

There's lots of stuff that gets old on here.
Men caught watching gay porn, "looooads of straight men watch gay porn", caught on grinder "loooooads of straight men have sex with men"

I recognised that posters username from a recent thread and they're one of those posters!