Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

Good luck OP. when mine told me it was only the tip of a very large iceberg. 'He only just realised what it meant' is just bullshit. Who knows what other lies he is telling.

I'd advise that you start looking out for yourself OP.

Categorically saying you would never be with a bisexual person, regardless of whatever else they may be, just because they are bisexual, is having an aversion, solely, to bisexuality. And that in itself is biphobic.

It isn't necessarily biphobic at all. It can just mean they have a strong attraction for straight men. People are attracted to all sorts of things. It doesn't mean they hate the opposite or find it unattractive (in the off-putting sense). It just means they find a certain trait attractive and want that in their partner. There is a difference between "finding something unattractive" and "not being attracted to something". One is negative feeling. The other is no feeling.

Sorry to hear - what happened next? Can I ask if you are still together?

I’m also of the opinion that this initial conversation could be leading to something else, Op really needs to ask him outright. He may not tell the truth of course, but it’s better than not asking.

I'm attracted to men. Sexuality isn't important to me, hence why it doesn't bother me if he's straight or bi. If sexuality was a part of attraction to me, then it isn't bigoted to want only that in my partner. It doesn't mean I dislike any other sexualities or find them gross.

-phobias require feelings. It can't be a -phobia if you don't have any feelings about it.

I’ve found it really interesting reading some of the posts over the last few pages about how men don’t feel the same way towards bisexual women as the way females feel about bisexual men and it’s got me thinking, what is at the root of that?

Why do women find the idea of two men having sex disgusting, but men don’t feel the same about women?

I’ve seen women say that would worry they couldn’t fully satisfy their male bisexual partner, but I doubt there are many men out there worrying about whether they could sexually satisfy their bisexual female partner?

I’ve seen comments about how men probably think “what can I get out of this” and fantasise about threesomes, so why don’t women feel like that? Why would a man relish the idea of sex with his partner and another woman, whereas the opposite scenario would be horrifying to a lot of women? Why do some (most?) love the idea of a MFF threesome whereas a lot of women would recoil at the the idea of a MMF threesome their partner?

Is it related to fidelity? Man have no problems seeing their partner being ‘unfaithful’ with another man, but women couldn’t cope with seeing their man be ‘unfaithful’ with another man?

Why is FF sex seen as erotic whereas MM sex seen as ‘dirty’ or an anomaly or fetish (as has been seen suggested).

Why do women have such a visceral reaction to dating a bisexual man whereas a large number of men would have no problems with his partner being bisexual?

Why is it that men don’t feel threatened and have no fear of being left for another woman, whereas women would worry their partner would leave them for another man?

Women assume a bisexual man will go off and cheat on her with another man. Do men think a bisexual girlfriend will go off and cheat on him with women? Something tells me not.

What is at the root of this huge variation in opinions and attitudes?

And before anyone asks, no I’m not being goady or argumentative or pushy or anything like that, I’m just genuinely interested in other people’s thoughts on this.

I think that’s the crux of where our opinion differs. Which is fine.

You’d have no way of knowing if a person was bisexual, across the entire course of your relationship, unless they disclosed it to you. Because it does not affect their appearance, their behaviour of their personality. If you think it should be disclosed – that’s again where we would likely differ I’m guessing.

I would say that being bisexual is neither a physical trait nor a character trait, and that's why a blanket "I would never date a bisexual" policy is rooted in prejudice. Being unattracted to someone having a selfish nature/voting Tory is to be unattracted to part of their personality. Bisexuality does not mean someone is any more or less ethical or kind or generous or ambitious than heterosexuality or homosexuality. It's neutral. It makes as much sense to me as being turned off a man because he's attracted to blondes as well as brunettes.

There was a poster many pages ago who said that if her adored husband of 30 years came out as bisexual, she'd leave him. To me that's the essence of biphobia - to consider an attraction to men to be such an important aspect of a person that it would immediately override everything you loved about them 10 minutes before they came out. (That's also why many bisexual and gay people are afraid to come out to their loved ones - the potential for rejection is so high.)

Very likely because it heavily, very heavily, features in porn, and is therefore quite deeply ingrained as sexy and far more normalised.

This is only a percentage of men, however. My DH is just as horrified by the thought of me with another woman as he is with me with another man. He can hardly be alone in that. If a man is OK with bisexuality solely because he views it as sexy, then that’s not OK.

I agree. 👏

And before anyone asks, no I’m not being goady or argumentative or pushy or anything like that, I’m just genuinely interested in other people’s thoughts on this.

@HeadInTheSand0324 I can’t say for sure either but it is interesting. I think one reason is because men engaging in gay sex are subconsciously or otherwise thought of by some as less masculine so that’s one turn off for (some) hetero women.

Another is the stereotype or perception of men engaging in gay sex being promiscuous and spreading STDs. Bi or gay Women don’t really have that stigma.

And men probably think that if a bi woman is with them they’ll be faithful out of love & commitment, even if they happen to be sexually attracted to other women.

But when it comes to women with men who are bi, because they generally think of men as less faithful to begin with they see it as another risk factor and consider there is a high chance of cheating if a woman doesn’t fulfil all their sexual desires/fantasies?

Edited to add : I also suspect for various reason the sex between two women is thought of as more tender,romantic and gently passionate whereas sex involving two men is assumed to be a bit more animalistic/aggressive/impersonal etc because of perceptions of both gay men but also just men in general and also because the very nature and history of gay (male) sex or at least the perception of it.

@Didimum I find it embarrassing for you that you are labelling people biphobic because they don't to have sex with a bisexual person. Sex is a personal thing and you have no right to label someone because they don't want to do something.

If someone was not wanting to be friends with someone who is bisexual then that is biphobic.

If you think someone is straight, but it turns out they are not straight, they're no longer the straight person you thought they were. If them being straight was important to you, then surely you can understand how them not being straight might change how you feel about them?

But if it is important to you for your partner to be straight (or any other trait), then make that known from the start. Don't just assume. It is up to them if they want to share that or not. If they don't want to share that, then they will have to accept that this relationship might not progress. However, if they choose to lie rather than choose not to answer, then that is taking away the other person's choice which is not ok. No one is owed a relationship.

No, it isn't. I wouldn't be happy, but it isn't repulsive to me the way that imagining him being sexual with a man would be.

Precisely.

It’s not biphobia to say that enough closeted gay men have used The Script that starts “I’m bisexual” to open up or exit a heterosexual marriage for it to be a thing. In OPs case we don’t know whether this is the case or whether her DH has genuinely had a revelation about his sexuality that he is coming to grips with. But in either case warning the OP that The Script exists, and to be wary/prepared and to look out for herself too is not biphobia, it is MN sisterly support for a woman who is undergoing a shift in her understanding of her husband and her marriage.

There is definitely a difference in how men and women think. A lot of women seem to be more insecure. Their lack of penis makes them think a man who likes penis will find them (women) lacking as partners and go searching for dick to feel complete. But they don't seem to realise that even if a man is straight, they (the women) won't possess every single thing the men find attractive anyway. Yet most men don't go searching for those things in other women because most men aren't actually that immature and shallow.

But it might also be because they (the women) value a penis, so they think it must be just as important to a bi-man as it is to them and so they think men won't be able to resist seeking it out. They seem ignore that women have many characteristics that men don't have, and so if a bi-man is with a woman, it is because she is what is most attractive to him. Which is actually the case with straight men too.

As for the disgust thing. I think that is just good old homophobia which comes from biology and nature. The disgust is mostly for the man receiving the dick because that is seen as a female/feminine thing, which is unattractive to a lot of women. They want a "real man". A man who likes to be screwed by another man isn't a "real man". He's a <insert homophobic slur>.

That’s OK. You can be embarrassed for me. And it’s OK for me to feel embarrassed for people who sweepingly reject bisexual people for romantic partners.

Unfortunately then you will have to be embarrassed for quite a lot of people who don't care. Are you calling people out IRL life if they say they wouldn't?

Is your DH bisexual?

People are allowed to reject whoever they like as a romantic partner.
No need to feel embarrassed for them.

I think it’s important to question why ‘straightness’ is important to them. Certainly if it’s important enough to sweepingly reject a group of people for romantic relationships right off the bat. It’s my belief that it would be biphobic assumptions at its root. That doesn’t have to be your belief. We all have inherent prejudices, to examine and question their validity is important.

It is not about being owed a relationship. It is not about forcing relationships, sexual contact or sexual attraction. My comments here are purely about whether it is prejudice or not. Being prejudice is allowed. It’s just not, in my opinion, favourable.

I know they can. And by that token I am also allowed to view an opinion/behaviour as prejudice – therefore there’s no need to feel embarrassed for me either. But I don’t particularly care if someone is embarrassed for me for that reason.

I’m fine with being embarrassed for quite a lot of people.

No my DH is not bisexual. Nor am I. He also would have an aversion to being in a relationship with a bisexual woman. We have discussed it in the past. And yes I called him out on it for all the reasons I have stated here. He was fine with discussing something about himself which may be a baseless prejudice. We were able to have a sensible discussion about it.

What he is saying to you is he has been sexually active with a man (men) over the past 12 months.

And you know this how? Or are you just whacking your keyboard and seeing what comes out?

That's interesting.

I thought the way you were going on that you were bisexual. Why do you have such a strong opinion about it? Have you dated a bisexual man before?