Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

they say they’d never date someone from my country, that’s their preference. I see this as similar.

That's not what I'm calling out.

What I'm calling out is the sexual orientation equivalent of not only refusing to date someone from your home country, but expecting someone from your country and no other country to disclose, upfront and unprompted, that they are from your country because some people might find that a dealbreaker.

It's like expecting a Welsh person to proactively disclose their Welshness and they're a liar if they don't, whilst all the English and Scottish people get to go on dates without having to state "oh by the way, I'm from Aberdeen" unasked.

All of my post is fine. I don’t need your approval for my own expectations for relationships.

Most people are heterosexual. A woman dating a man is in a hetero relationship. If he is bi, that’s ok, but its different from the majority of male/females in a relationship together and I think most would see that and understand its something many people would want to be aware of. If you didn’t know this before, you do now. You don’t have to like it.

A relationship is not just about you and what you’re happy with.

People can decline to date, shag, and marry who they like. I'm very consistent on that front. What they don't get to do is burden bi people with unfair mind reading expectations that they don't apply to anyone else, nor do they get to say unfair things about bi people.

"he'd had these feelings since before I met him but only realised over the last year what they really meant".

What they 'meant'?
So he's hidden this for years. He knew. He did have these feelings, as teen, young man. But couldn't cope/deal with them/didnt want to accept them? So he's finally realised. Only over the last year. (Oh purlease), what they mean.

And does it 'mean' ?

I'm not dim just tired. Do you agree that someone who doesn't want a relationship with bisexual person is not biphobic?

I am not responsible for predicting other people's dealbreakers. They can use their words to ask, like grownups do for everything else.

Depends on the reason why they don’t.

Has he had experiences with men/boys from before you were together ? It might be a way telling you.

Otherwise I'd be wondering if this was some way of him starting a dialogue about an open relationship. I'd have to make it clear that wasn't for me.

They can not want the relationship for any reason, that's their right.

The burdens they think it's OK to add to bi people determine whether they are biphobic, not who they date.

I didn’t say it wasn’t their right, I’m just saying it doesn’t mean it’s not biphobic.

The OP is absolutely entitled to expect exclusivity. His sexual revelations are not an excuse to cheat.

I am very very careful to separate "not dating someone" from "unfair treatment of someone" because I'm 100% about sexual sovereignty and I'm absolutely not here for incels.

Where has the OPs husband said that he planned to cheat on her? I must have skipped that bit of the thread.

What I'm calling out is the sexual orientation equivalent of not only refusing to date someone from your home country, but expecting someone from your country and no other countryto disclose, upfront and unprompted, that they are from your country because some people might find that a dealbreaker.

Thats just down to 2 things

1. heterosexuality being the most common sexuality
2. peoples own sexuality

So, when you’re a man dating a woman, most will be heterosexual and so will often presume the other is heterosexual as that’s the most common scenario. It’s ‘unusual’ to be bi so it’s worth a mention imo.

My lesbian friend assumed the women she was dating were gay because they were dating her. Unless women told her that they were bi, that’s what she presumes because they’re 2 women. Again, I think it’s worth mentioning if you’re bi.

Maybe bisexual people don’t presume, because their lived experience is being attracted to both sexes.

It’s nothing to take offence over.

I think it’s good to talk about the things about yourself that are not the most common things regardless of the topic. But sexuality and attraction being the thing that differentiates a romantic relationship from other relationships, it’s important imo to talk about what you find attractive which includes being bisexual if you are.

I think we are talking at cross purposes. That or we simply don’t agree. Which is fine.

This.

It's what turns them on. It is simple. You can't help this.

That’s fine. It just doesn’t mean it’s not biphobic.

I think that’s childish. Regardless of the topic, the one that isn’t in the most ‘common’ group, mentions it.

What are you talking about? I don't get horny over bisexual sex does not mean I'm biphobic.

It’s not about getting horny over bisexual sex. You wouldn’t be having bisexual sexual anyway, because you’re not bisexual. It’s about the reasons behind having an aversion to a bisexual person solely due to their bisexuality and/or finding that particular trait specifically not attractive.

It's an assumption. Apparently there's some well-trodden pathway that it's a 99.99% certainty that he will follow, and if he does it will be because he's one of those inherently slutty bis and not simply a common-or-garden entitled asshole cheat like all the thousands of straight husbands who bone their PAs after work.

Have I summarised accurately?

How is that biphobic, though? If I imagine a man with another man, that is offputting to me on a sexual level. It would be biphobic if I treated said man poorly, but declining to sleep with someone is not that. Dating is not an equal opportunity venture.

I'm Vito, and before we fuck, here's a list of the "uncommon group" things about me:

• I've been one of the c.12% of building site workers who are female.
• I play the trumpet, which makes me both a minority amongst brass players because I'm female as well as a minority amongst musicians.
• I've never seen Star Wars.

[several hours later] So, shall I go on top, or you?