Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

Yes that’s true, but the stats tell us that it is gay men that have the highest risk.

A PP thinks it's OK to just assume heterosexuality.

Thank you for being consistent.

OP's DH isn't gay.

I wouldn’t assume any sexuality. I would expect complete transparency before intimacy though.

Disclose sexual history? What? It's more the standard in most relationships that you don't delve too deep into your partner's sexual history.

Once again no acknowledgement that bisexual and gay people might take decades to disclose their orientation to themselves, and hence cannot disclose it to anyone else. Yes, it's very sad that they're in denial and lying to themselves. Blame a homophobic and biphobic society, exhibit A - this thread.

Op needs to be tested either way.

As she would if her husband was cheating with a woman the same applies.

Marvellous post. 👏

EVERYONE needs to disclose their sexual orientation and sexual history. It’s bloody standard in all relationships.

Bollocks to that. No one is entitled to know anyone's sexual history. Women get judged all the time for how many men they have slept with. It's nobody's business. Take people as they come or sod off.

I can't see how having a bisexual partner leads to a lifetime of double guessing and insecurity any more than having a heterosexual partner. There's certainly no shortage of insecurity in relationships between heterosexuals.

Personally it's in my interest to be with an attractive man with compatible life goals and good morals. Whether he "swings both ways" is immaterial to that. And personally, I'd be rather into it.

Complete transparency

"I'm Vito and I'm bi and I'm a blood donor and...

...I'm autistic, I have a full drivers licence...

...and I'm a Libra if you believe in that kind of thing and my favourite colour is yellow."

Or you could ask about the factors that you know affect your consent because I cannot read your mind to know how you define "complete transparency".

Either way op, he is not the man you married and only you can decide if it’s a dealbreaker. In the same way I imagine if he announced he wanted to join a swingers club, wanted kinky stuff or suddenly got into some other stuff that you had not signed up to.

You have complete autonomy to choose what you want in a husband.

He has the right to be himself and lead his life how he wishes.

What he can’t assume is that you will be on board with any of this. It’s totally your choice.

Of course you would be ‘rather into it’ 🙄

I am not taking people as they are without asking questions , thanks all the same. Some people have standards and integrity.

You need to be honest. I am sorry you have such a poor grasp on what honesty means - have you considered counselling? Your reluctance to accept and share your whole self leads me to believe that parts of you are still in shame, and you shouldn’t have to live with shame in 2024 for just being yourself.

Given he is just told her is attracted to men, the prudent thing that anyone would do is get tested. At this point she can’t trust anything he says, he has been lying to her for years!

A legitimate response to "how many sexual partners have you had?" is "that's private. I had a clear STI test on <date> and have been celibate since <date>". Another legitimate response is "this date is over. Goodbye".

It's possible to be honest without disclosing your entire list of exes because "I'm not telling you" isn't a lie.

You are being ridiculous. Have you even had a relationship?? Most people talk for hours about who they are, their goals, dreams, past partners, sexual preferences, red lines. You don’t sound very mature or experienced.

If someone said ‘it’s private’ and wouldn’t discuss their past sex life or preferences - it would be a bloody big red flag 🚩 and the dating would come to an end.

Of course you would be open about everything because most people prefer trusted, healthy and authentic relationships regardless of orientation.

I've sort of had this conversation with my husband, as if he came out as gay or bi I don't think anyone would be terribly surprised. He says he's not interested in blokes that way, but it was a useful conversation to have. We have quite a lot of gay friends.

Pick your time I would say!

I think sexual orientation and preference should be disclosed in a relationship.

Sexual history not so much.

I know exactly what honesty is. I'm autistic! One of the defining features of autism is that we don't know when we're socially expected to lie, so we get castigated for having no filter.

One of the other core features of autism is that we pattern match, and I am detecting expectations being applied to bisexual people that aren't applied to monosexual people. The pattern mismatch is glaring to me.