Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

Well you've just proven my point because misandry and racism against white people do exist so thank you.

I knew someone would ask.

Nothing.

I just saw someone's other post.

Indeed. Its phobic in and of itself but the irony is clearly lost on them.

OP, I hope you’re okay.
i’m bi (and yes, feel that some comments on this thread are shockingly bigoted and ignorant).
im in my late forties, and although I’ve alwats felt this way, I wasn’t aware that it was a ‘thing’ when I was a teen etc.

my feelings have clarified over the years, along with lots more information and acceptance which has given me a category I guess - neither helpful or unhelpful for me.

so it’s really possible for someone, especially someone who is not young and clued up, to gradually become aware of being bi. Not an intention of lying or hiding anything, just maybe not having the understanding or the language before.

interestingly, my DP is probably also bi, again a slow noticing (not as dramatic as realization or coming out).

we are both totally in love with each other, no desire to cheat with either sex. I do sometimes tease him, eg fancying the waiter though!

You're being unfair here.
People use things like that as an analogy, they're not conflating them.

I'm always confused as to why bisexuality is a concern, and why some people insist they would never want to be in a relationship with a bisexual man

Because I'm not sexually attracted to a man who wants to be or has been intimate with other men. It physically repulses me. If DH, who I adore, came out as bi then I would have to leave him.

Weird that a minority always try to push people's boundaries on this though. Everyone is entitled to their own sexual preference.

"You should disclose all the important stuff before sex, like whether you are into coprophilia, choking, or being straight".

Does that make my point clearer?

A sexual orientation is not a fetish and shouldn't be treated like one.

always

Read my posts. "Always" is not the case. Even the poster you replied to later explaind that she wanted to understand someone's thought process rather than change her mind, although IMO that still doesn't justify the intrusion.

No, not at all because you're choosing to see that as a comparison between those things, instead of just 'important' things that the sexual partner may see as relevant.

The reason kinks or fetishes tends to come up is because people are saying that they have a right to rule out sexual partners based on sexual orientation, just like they can rule them out for other reasons like fetishes, or other reasons that are nothing to do with sex at all. That does not mean it's being treated the same as a fetish at all.

A lot of people have mentioned me considering my needs and that's fine.

I have considered my needs as I understand what they are and that's easier to navigate whereas trying to understand someone else and do it in a positive, supportive way is harder.

I didn't really know where to start and have starting to points now thanks to all of you who have contributed so great advice

just like they can rule them out for other reasons like fetishes, or other reasons that are nothing to do with sex at all.

Which takes me back to saying "then you ask, because the other person cannot read your mind".

I've had a whole pile of posts saying that anyone who fails to proactively volunteer their bisexual orientation, which they might not be consciously aware of themselves, is a liar. When I've asked why only bisexual people have been held to this standard of disclosure, bisexuality has been compared to a fetish, which it isn't.

Now you are bringing "other reasons that are nothing to do with sex at all" into the mix. When I tried to explain via example that I haven't and cannot possibly have any idea what proactive "full disclosure" of everything that a potential partner might find a deal breaker should consist of or be limited to because I cannot read people's minds, I got the most condescending faux-naive pretence that I'm a liar wrapped in faux-concern for my mental health I've ever seen.

So, bluntly, I'm not going to consider myself obliged to tell a partner that I'm bisexual, any more than I'm going to tell them my General Election voting history on the off-chance that they might consider voting Green 20 years ago a deal breaker. The only thing I'm morally obliged to proactively disclose is STI status because that's a physical risk. Everything else is their mental squick, for which there are possibilities too numerous to list, so they can ask about it. That doesn't make me a liar, it makes me someone who has a right to privacy and is sick of biphobia and sick of bisexual people being expected to take responsibility for other people's sexual decision-making.

I think if you know/presume the person you are dating is straight then you should mention you are bisexual from the beginning.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia

No mind reading necessary because I meant things that are just a turn off to the person which they discover themselves, like the person is just an arsehole, or they're a mummys boy etc. or they just find them very boring or they get the ick over something very minor.

Or maybe they'll find out that the man has a tiny penis or ED and that turns them off them.

Please note. I am not comparing ED or tiny penises with being bisexual. I am not comparing being an arsehole or mummys boy with being bisexual. I feel like that has to be stated now because you seem to be jumping on everything. I am just pointing out that there are many possible reasons, and in explaining their reasons people often bring up other possible reasons they might rule someone out. That does not mean that they are conflating the things.

For me when it comes to full disclosure I would ask partners about their sexual orientation, whether they've used sex workers in the past and also whether they have any fetishes, and if they're into anything particularly weird.

I really don't think it's unusual for those kind of conversations to come up between couples.

As for saying you're not a mind reader and you don't know what could be a dealbreaker for partners that you might have to fully disclose.....
I think that's pretty disingenuous. We don't know what is a dealbreaker for individual people or not, but almost everyone knows what things are potential dealbreakers for some partners.

Why can't some bisexual people except that it is an issue for some straight people?

For me when it comes to full disclosure I would ask partners about their sexual orientation, whether they've used sex workers in the past and also whether they have any fetishes, and if they're into anything particularly weird.

You're asking. Asking is fine because you aren't expecting me to mind read.

As for saying you're not a mind reader and you don't know what could be a dealbreaker for partners that you might have to fully disclose.....
I think that's pretty disingenuous. We don't know what is a dealbreaker for individual people or not, but almost everyone knows what things are potential dealbreakers for some partners.

From hereon, I decree that everyone must proactively disclose prior to sex whether they've ever voted Tory, because I've met three people for whom that's a dealbreaker, so based on my entirely objective and scientific§ dataset of every person I've been to bed with, this is a common enough dealbreaker that we should all anticipate it.

I've deliberately picked something that I suspect will sound silly (I'm not sure though as a not a mindreader, and it certainly wasn't silly for the three people in question) to make a point.

I'm autistic. I was raped at 19 in part because I didn't understand that "do you want to come to see my guitar and valve amp?" was at best code for sex and at worst a ruse to get me back to his room alone and I didn't realise in anything like enough time. There's no such thing as "use your common sense" or "everyone knows..." for me. There can't be, it's inherent to autism that we lack the neurotypical ability to partialy infer what others are thinking. So you spell out what your dealbreakers are because I know what mine are but I also know that you are not me and will not think like I do.

Calling me a liar and disingenuous for taking this approach is not only offensive, it's ablist.

§ This is sarcasm.

I do. But I'm not going to go around assuming that it's an issue for all straight people. That would be heterophobic to make a sweeping generalisation about straight people like that.

Plus, there's often a safety risk for bi women coming out to male partners as we are disproportionately likely to be victims of DV.

I'm actually speechless at your comment.

If a man doesn't want a bisexual woman it is fine.

If a woman doesn't want a bisexual man it is fine.

Just be honest.

I honestly don't think you have the right to withheld this information if they are prepared to spend their life with you.

If he wants that data, he can ask. Being bisexual isn't an STI that I'm obliged to proactively disclose.

Plus, there's often a safety risk for bi women coming out to male partners as we are disproportionately likely to be victims of DV

Explain?

Men are a risk to bisexual women, more so than to straight women.

"Over their lifetimes, 61% of bisexual women reported being raped, assaulted or stalked by an intimate partner, compared to 44% of lesbian women and 35% of heterosexual women."

"more than 90% of bisexual women IPV victims reported a male perpetrator"

https://genderpolicyreport.umn.edu/bisexual-women-and-intimate-partner-violence

Well this is worrying.

However, I'm a straight female and would never have a relationship with a bisexual man. So if I was ever dating again it would definitely be a question I asked.

I don't see it as mindreading though. I don't have any out there fetishes but if I did then I would know to disclose it. I have kids and I would know to disclose that because I know it's a dealbreaker for some people.

The Tory example doesn't sound silly, because I can understand that examples and analogies are just provided for the purpose of discussion.

I was raped at 16 also in part because of not understanding someones intentions and unfortunately trusting that they were just a nice person.

There is such a thing as 'common sense' or 'everyone knows' but of course that may not apply to people who are neurodiverse, but people do tend to speak in generalisations. I am ND myself

For someone who speaks about this topic a lot you can't say that for this particular issue you are not aware that it is potentially a dealbreaker. You know that it is.

You're saying if it is then they should ask because you're not going to assume that it's a dealbreaker for all straight people because that would be heterophobic....

In the same post you said that there's also a safety risk for bi women coming out to male partners due to the DV risk.......so that's a bit of heterophobia there isn't it? To fear something because part of the group may behave that way?

Again please note I don't actually think that it is heterophobic to have some fears of what might happen if you're in a relationship with a heterosexual person especially when they are based on things that can and do happen, but likewise I feel the same about some peoples fears of being in relationships with someone who is bisexual.

You would absolutely be within your rights to ask that question and to turn down a potential partner whose answer was off-putting. And he would be perfectly within his rights to ask you how many men you have had sex with and to turn you down if you answer was more than five because that killed his attraction to you.

And I would consider both questions massive red flags that would put me off the person in question, so I would absolutely encourage you to keep asking those questions.

Sadly, I can't ask "are you biphobic" before dating anyone, because the answer will always be "no".