Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

Of course heterophobia is a thing. It's utter nonsense to claim otherwise.

It was that you came across as expecting another poster to justify her "no". No one has to justify their sexual "no", even if in a non-sexual context we'd find their motives or reasoning problematic.

It's as much of a thing as misandry, or racism against white people, ie it's not a thing because all of those are about structural oppression in conjunction with individual prejudice, not just the latter.

It's not absurd.

You could think a man you've just seen was attractive, but then be turned off him for millions of different reasons after knowing a bit about him. It could be the way he talks, it could be just the vibe you get from him, there could be no chemistry, it could be because you found out about some kinks he has, or his sexuality or any other reason.

At first glance a heterosexual woman could fancy a 'stud' lesbian, that doesn't make them bisexual because they literally thought the person they were looking at was a man. So there's a difference between making an initial assessment that someone is attractive, and actually being sexually attracted to them.

I wouldn't consider it to be analogous to men fixating on their partners past sexual history at all, because women will often choose not to be with a bisexual man rather than getting with him or staying with him if she has a problem with it, which is what those men who fixate on their partners sexual past should do.

As for your last point, there's many Bisexual women who say that their male partners had a huge problem with it, and there's others who say that their male partners fetishize that side of them even though they wish they wouldn't so that can be a major problem too.

If a person doesn't want to engage in watersports and verbalises it, does that make them watersports phobic? Or phobic about people who engage in it?
I take issue that it is suggested that anyone who does not want a relationship with a bisexual person is necessarily phobic. Its a negative term to use about a person's choice, it's a refusal to accept that a person has a right to chose who they are sexual with and it's used to try to shame a person for making a personal choice. To say it makes them phobic, is just as bigoted, and is trying to equally shame then into feeling differently. Ironic that when you think about it?

I've never once encountered a straight man who insists his partner has to be straight as well, and for whom female bisexuality would be a deal-breaker. Funny that

I have, but the more common reaction from men is that you’ll be up for a threesome. Is that any better?

I agree.

The last time I saw a thread about this people were being called biphobic because they said they wouldn't date a bisexual man.

I've also just realised that I'm a bit late to the thread.

I have repeatedly and explicitly said that people have an absolute sovereign right to say no to sex with any given person and that includes "no thanks, I don't want sex with a bisexual".

Please stop pretending that a sexual orientation is comparable to watersports or any other paraphilia. Conflating bisexuality with a fetish is biphobic.

“To say it makes them phobic, is just as bigoted, and is trying to equally shame then into feeling differently. Ironic that when you think about it?”

Biphobia is, for example. asserting that a bi man will cheat, because dick urges.

Op hasn’t been back. I hope she is reading the thread and it’s been helpful. I imagine she is reeling from this, I know I would be. It creates so much upset and anxiety when everything you thought was real and true turns to shit, and you have been lied to for so many years. Especially if children are involved. Very hard indeed.

If anyone was wondering why bisexuals have poorer mental health than straight and gay people, this thread is a textbook example of why.

We've had:

• Bisexuality compared to pissing on people and other fetishes.
• Bisexuality erased as "might be gay".
• Bisexuals held to a personal information disclosure standard that straights and gays aren't held to.
• Closeted bisexuals in marriages being called liars.
• Bisexuals accused of being more prone to cheating.

And people wonder why the OP's DH was in the closet...

I've always felt fairly confident in my sexuality but I am taken aback by just how badly others think of me because of it. I'm now, on the basis of this thread, questioning whether being out to everyone is actually a good idea. As long as there's an overlap between people who disapprove of me and people with the power to hurt me, I am at risk of someone harming me. I had honestly thought that the number of people in the former category had fallen to the point that I could largely ignore the latter. Seems like I was wrong.

I’m not surprised OP hasn’t been back. The vitriol against her husband as an example of One of Them There Conniving Bisexuals - when she clearly was looking for ideas on supporting him - must be very hard to take.

And agree with @VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia ’s post

She hasn’t got a clue whats coming is my guess!

I think this thread has been anything but helpful.

Her husband has been demonised and I don’t blame her at all for not returning. I hope she hid the thread many, many pages ago.

Well you started of with a nice comment to the OP and then started spitting your dummy out because some women said they wouldn't date a bisexual man.

Given she (a) actually knows her husband and (b) seems to be an LGBTQ ally, I imagine she’s better placed to know what’s coming than a bunch of prejudiced randoms on the internet 🤷‍♀️

Are you saying that women such as myself are prejudiced because we wouldn't be with a bisexual person? or have an open marriage?

I don't care what other people do. I do what suits me.

This has been a lot of information overload but thank you to those who have given me some good/interesting questions to ask to help move forward.

I know it will be a long process but as previously said I just want to be supportive and understand to move forward and I feel like I have somewhere to start now

Best of luck op. It’s a tough journey and I hope you have plenty of support yourself and real life help because it can be devastating, you are just at the beginning.

It doesn’t sound like you are considering what YOU need in your posts.

No, why would you think that I was referring to that?

The prejudiced posts have been, for example, saying that bi is a stepping stone to gay, that the DH has said he is bi as a prelude to cheating etc etc.

I hope everything goes well, OP.

Oh I apologise.

What has being bisexual got to do with having an open marriage? Completely different thing