Husband came out as bisexual

[TARDISmum]

Been with DH 12 years and married for 6.5 years and recently told me he is bisexual.

It's just so odd.

I know it doesn't change who he is. It doesn't change what it was about him that I fell in love with but it feels like the landscape of our marriage has changed.

I want to be supportive but just don't know where to start. Where would you start with that.

Huh @kkloo ?

Not all my partners know all my kinks, because I am perfectly capable of having enjoyable sex without spanking (or whatever).

Of course, if you want to act on a kink or fetish with someone, then you have a mutual conversation about what you both like and find common ground. But I would say the same about checking anything the first few times. Not everyone likes giving and/or receiving oral, or their balls being touched etc.

Where does your “you should know to disclose” stop?

I too am dubious. What is he even really telling you. And why. He says bi, but he's been married for 7, with you for 12. So what he's really saying is : I want to sleep with men. If he didn't want that, he had no purpose in telling you.

Oh FFS, it’s an endless bloody loop.

He literally just sat me down and said I need to tell you something.

Said he is bisexual and went on to say that he'd had these feelings since before I met him but only realised over the last year what they really meant

OP, your relationship sounds really good and I hope he feels relief from
sharing.

Really? After reading the OP's last post.

so that's a bit of heterophobia there isn't it?

My fear is of men, straight or bisexual. The orientation of those 90% male perpetrators wasn't given.

For someone who speaks about this topic a lot you can't say that for this particular issue you are not aware that it is potentially a dealbreaker. You know that it is.

So is whether someone voted Tory for some people. For me, someone having used a sex worker would be a dealbreaker. There are other women who don't care about that.

The question I ask is: out of all the hundreds or more possible non-STI things that are a dealbreaker for some people, why is bisexuality singled out as being the one thing that must be proactively disclosed? Not "be honest if someone asks you", but "you must tell them even if they don't ask".

@PansyPolly

Did I say something incorrect? He's told OP. With what purpose? Why? So are you saying he doesn't want to sleep with men?

Note that I said I don't have any 'out there fetishes'. I have plenty of kinks!

Fetishes are generally something that a person needs as opposed to kinks which are something a person might like to do but they don't have to do in order to enjoy sex.

I couldn't live with this. If you love him and want to stay with him then I wish you all the best.

@UnimaginableWindBird @PansyPolly Thank you both for "getting it" with Where does your “you should know to disclose” stop? and You would absolutely be within your rights to ask that question and to turn down a potential partner whose answer was off-putting.

I was starting to feel again like I'd been transported to Mars and was trying to explain Earth sexual ethics to the Ice Warriors.

OK so it's the OP's fault that she didn't ask if her DH was bi.

Then it's societies fault that he couldn't be honest with his partner from the start.

Now he just comes out with an innocent FYI and that's OK it doesn't mean anything.

If OP suggested exploring this attraction to other men he'd be all over it for sure.

Neither could I. It would be a deal breaker. If you like cock, it's off. That also includes trans women. I don't get as upset and angry about trans women as some people on here do, but they are biologically male so if a man is attracted to one, he is bi at the very least.

Being attracted to both men and women is something I’d expect the person I’m dating to let me know whilst getting to know them.

I wouldn’t continue to date a bisexual man because I want to be with a man that I know I can completely satisfy sexually. Maybe they would say I could do that, but I wouldn’t feel I could so I wouldn’t want to be in that situation. Doubting that you are making your partner happy for any reason is a miserable way to live. I also want to be with someone who is only turned on by male/female sex because that’s what I like too.

If someone doesn’t want to date me, I’d move on, not quiz them and insist their must be some sort of discrimination going on. It’s dating not employment law.

Wooo. The biphobic bell is ringing loudly today. What an epic (and depressing) read this has been.

I'm old and in a long term relationship but will give our young ones some advice.

I myself am bi and I find the constant accusations of biphobia on this thread a bit over the top. I mean, most dudes don't sit their wife down and divulge information such as this with no reason. He's going somewhere with this - it's totally okay to wonder where. And it's also totally okay not to be attracted to bi people. No one's obligated and so forth.

Why is it depressing that some people aren't bisexual?

You make such sense

That’s not what I said (and I think you know it, unless you’re a bit dim), but nice try.

Even if someone is bi phobic though, they’re not obliged to change their thinking and date a bisexual person. Challenging someone on problematic views like bi phobia, homophobia, racism etc should be done in many situations, but when it comes to dating and attraction, people are attracted to some things and not others. I find it very intrusive to see people asking others to justify who they will and won’t date.

I’m not from the UK and have read many negative things about my home country here. I’ll challenge the generalisations and stereotypes but if they say they’d never date someone from my country, that’s their preference. I see this as similar.

Your post is fine bar the first paragraph.

Being attracted to both men and women is something I’d expect the person I’m dating to let me know whilst getting to know them.

In Ancient Greece and Rome, sexual behaviour with both sexes was the norm. For me, it's the norm. Imagine an Ancient Roman woman saying: "Only being attracted to women is something I’d expect the person I’m dating to let me know whilst getting to know them."

I bet that seems ridiculous to a straight person. What you're suggesting is ridiculous to me.

If I'm attracted to the person I'm dating, who else I'm attracted to is irrelevant to me. If they want to have conditions (that to me are weird, but we're not all the same) about the sex of who else I'm attracted to and not shagging then that's on them and they can ask for that information because that's their conditions of dating, not mine.

@kkloo

Hmmm… I think that’s a spectrum, though.

If a person literally cannot have sex unless they have, let’s say, put elaborate self tie rope on their legs, then that would need to be talked about before getting to the bedroom, to get the sexual partner’s consent in that moment.

Even then, I don’t think the fetish-holder is obliged to say “I will need this every time” that first time. Because they may be incompatible in any number of ways beside the fetish.

Opening up is a process of trust. Certain groups of people aren’t obliged to go a million miles an hour on that.

I have slept with - and short term dated - various men who didn’t know I am bi, and I am fine with that. More recently, I have been asked my sexuality by men disclosing their own - which has indeed included “straight” regardless of what a PP said about “the norm”.

I didn’t say they are obliged to change it, but it doesn’t mean it’s not biphobic – as you pointed out. At the end of the day it’s making sweeping assumptions about a large sector of people because they are ‘X’ characteristic, and that, in my book, isn’t OK.

“I find it very intrusive to see people asking others to justify who they will and won’t date.”

To my mind, that is not what this thread has been about. Most posters commenting have emphasised personal choice, I think. But I may have missed it.