March 2024 - But we took you to stately homes

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Welcome to the Stately Homes Thread.

This is a long running thread which was originally started up by 'pages' back in December 2007)

So this thread originates from that thread and has become a safe haven for Adult children of abusive families.

The title refers to an original poster's family who claimed they could not have been abusive as they had taken her to plenty of Stately Homes during her childhood!

One thing you will never hear on this thread is that your abuse or experience was not that bad. You will never have your feelings minimised the way they were when you were a child, or now that you are an adult. To coin the phrase of a much respected past poster Ally90;

'Nobody can judge how sad your childhood made you, even if you wrote a novel on it, only you know that. I can well imagine any of us saying some of the seemingly trivial things our parents/ siblings did to us to many of our real life acquaintances and them not understanding why we were upset/ angry/ hurt etc. And that is why this thread is here. It's a safe place to vent our true feelings, validate our childhood/ lifetime experiences of being hurt/ angry etc by our parents behaviour and to get support for dealing with family in the here and now.'

Most new posters generally start off their posts by saying; but it wasn't that bad for me or my experience wasn't as awful as x,y or z's.

Some on here have been emotionally abused and/ or physically abused. Some are not sure what category (there doesn't have to be any) they fall into.

NONE of that matters. What matters is how 'YOU' felt growing up, how 'YOU' feel now and a chance to talk about how and why those childhood experiences and/ or current parental contact, has left you feeling damaged, falling apart from the inside out and stumbling around trying to find your sense of self-worth.

You might also find the following links and information useful, if you have come this far and are still not sure whether you belong here or not.

'Toxic Parents' by Susan Forward.
Here are some excerpts:

"Once you get going, most toxic parents will counterattack. After all, if they had the capacity to listen, to hear, to be reasonable, to respect your feelings, and to promote your independence, they wouldn't be toxic parents. They will probably perceive your words as treacherous personal assaults. They will tend to fall back on the same tactics and defences that they have always used, only more so.

Remember, the important thing is not their reaction but your response. If you can stand fast in the face of your parents' fury, accusations, threats and guilt-peddling, you will experience your finest hour.

Here are some typical parental reactions to confrontation:

"It never happened". Parents who have used denial to avoid their own feelings of inadequacy or anxiety, will undoubtedly use it during confrontation, to promote their version of reality. They'll insist that your allegations never happened, or that you're exaggerating. They won't remember, or they will accuse you of lying.

YOUR RESPONSE: Just because you don't remember, doesn't mean it didn't happen".

"It was your fault." Toxic parents are almost never willing to accept responsibility for their destructive behaviour. Instead, they will blame you. They will say that you were bad, or that you were difficult. They will claim that they did the best that they could but that you always created problems for them. They will say that you drove them crazy. They will offer as proof, the fact that everybody in the family knew what a problem you were. They will offer up a laundry list of your alleged offences against them.

YOUR RESPONSE: "You can keep trying to make this my fault, but I'm not going to accept the responsibility for what you did to me, when I was a child".

"I said I was sorry what more do you want?" Some parents may acknowledge a few of the things that you say but be unwilling to do anything about it.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate your apology, but that is just a beginning. If you're truly sorry, you'll work through this with me, to make a better relationship."

"We did the best we could." Some parents will remind you of how tough they had it while you were growing up and how hard they struggled. They will say such things as "You'll never understand what I was going through," or "I did the best I could". This particular style of response will often stir up a lot of sympathy and compassion for your parents. This is understandable, but it makes it difficult for you to remain focused on what you need to say in your confrontation. The temptation is for you once again to put their needs ahead of your own. It is important that you be able to acknowledge their difficulties, without invalidating your own.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I understand that you had a hard time, and I'm sure that you didn't hurt me on purpose, but I need you to understand that the way you dealt with your problems really did hurt me"

"Look what we did for you." Many parents will attempt to counter your assertions by recalling the wonderful times you had as a child and the loving moments you and they shared. By focusing on the good things, they can avoid looking at the darker side of their behaviour. Parents will typically remind you of gifts they gave you, places they took you, sacrifices they made for you, and thoughtful things they did. They will say things like, "this is the thanks we get" or "nothing was ever enough for you."

YOUR RESPONSE: "I appreciate those things very much, but they didn't make up for ...."

"How can you do this to me?" Some parents act like martyrs. They'll collapse into tears, wring their hands, and express shock and disbelief at your "cruelty". They will act as if your confrontation has victimized them. They will accuse you of hurting them, or disappointing them. They will complain that they don't need this, they have enough problems. They will tell you that they are not strong enough or healthy enough to take this, that the heartache will kill them. Some of their sadness will, of course, be genuine. It is sad for parents to face their own shortcomings, to realise that they have caused their children significant pain. But their sadness can also be manipulative and controlling. It is their way of using guilt to try to make you back down from the confrontation.

YOUR RESPONSE: "I'm sorry you're upset. I'm sorry you're hurt. But I'm not willing to give up on this. I've been hurting for a long time, too."

Helpful Websites

Alice Miller
Personality Disorders definition
Daughters of narcissistic mothers
Out of the FOG
You carry the cure in your own heart
Help for adult children of child abuse
Pete Walker
The Echo Society

There are also one or two less public offshoots of Stately Homes, PM AttilaTheMeerkat or toomuchtooold for details.

Some books:

Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Homecoming by John Bradshaw
Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl McBride
If you had controlling parents by Dan Neuharth
When you and your mother can't be friends by Victoria Segunda
Children of the self-absorbed by Nina Brown - check reviews on this, I didn't find it useful myself.
Recovery of your inner child by Lucia Capacchione
Childhood Disrupted by Donna Jackson Nazakawa

This final quote is from smithfield posting as therealsmithfield:

"I'm sure the other posters will be along shortly to add anything they feel I have left out. I personally don't claim to be sorted but I will say my head has become a helluva lot straighter since I started posting here. You will receive a lot of wisdom but above all else the insights and advice given will 'always' be given with warmth and support"

I've also now added the post written by Escapingafter50years as detailed below:

"I've copied these links I posted in the last thread and hope they are useful to people here. In addition to therapy and the Stately Homes, I've found them really useful in getting my head around the toxic mess I grew up in".

Podcasts
Helen Villiers & Katie McKenna – incredibly informative and validating, over 70 free weekly podcasts (these, combined with seeing a therapist, have been transformative for me)
https://uk-podcasts.co.uk/podcast/in-sight-2

Videos
Dr Ramani – has been highly recommended here regularly
https://www.youtube.com/@DoctorRamani/videos

Instagram
Useful for bite-size snippets which are supportive and help you feel you’re not alone
https://www.instagram.com/understandingthenarc/
https://www.instagram.com/patrickteahantherapy/
https://www.instagram.com/the.holistic.psychologist/
https://www.instagram.com/gottmaninstitute/
https://www.instagram.com/scapegoatchildrecovery/

Facebook
Peg Streep, has written a book called Daughter Detox
https://www.facebook.com/PegStreepauthor
Narcwise, like Instagram, this account has bite size snippets, often very insightful
https://www.facebook.com/narcwise

Twitter
Nate Postlethwait
https://twitter.com/nate_postlethwt
Ryan Daigler
https://twitter.com/Ryan_Daigler

Websites
Out of the Fog (lots of information & tools on this website)
https://outofthefog.website/
Mary Toolan Scapegoat Child Recovery (was recommended here, there’s a useful free e-book)
https://www.marytoolan.com/

Short-read Articles
Psychology Today “Narcissist”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissist&op=Search
Psychology Today “Narcissism”
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/archive?search=narcissism&section=All

Books
I haven’t read all of these yet, but have read most and would recommend them
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward
Toxic In-Laws by Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward
Mothers Who Can’t Love by Susan Forward
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson (probably a good first book to read if you're not sure your parent/s is/are narcissistic)
Daughter Detox by Peg Streep
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk
Pulling Your Own Strings by Wayne Dyer (written a long time ago but has good strategies for dealing with people who don't treat you properly)
A couple of other books I have seen recommended by the wise AttilaTheMeerkat and are my to-read list:
Will I Ever Be Good Enough by Karyl McBride and
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

Yes and this is confusing to say the least. My stepdad was abusive in both settings but if I was alone with him he was nowhere near as abusive as he was with an audience there ie my other family members.

My mom is defo more horrible to me infront of my partner than she is when we’re alone Which I find odd. I don’t know why but I’ve experienced this also must make them feel better.

@Everchanging24 Thank you for responding. It must be horrible to be treated like that in front of your partner. It is confusing and shows there isn't always a textbook formula for their behaviours.

I would observe more overt narc characteristics in public, but an almost needy, childlike behaviour in private. I now know in private she was charming me to gain information, get access etc.

In public, she almost felt like that friend we all remember from school who showed off in a crowd but was calmer privately. Of course I know now that both sides of my mums personality are awful.

Yes then it’s used against you at a later date once the trust is there in private and you give up information. My real dad died and he left me money I told her and said not to tell anyone of course everyone knew within a week and I was called the loaded one or that I had secret money blah blah infront of everyone.
It wasn’t a massive amount but enough to buy a brand new car let’s say but I felt guilty for it so I never got what I wanted as I didn’t want to piss off the others and show off.

I regretted telling anyone as it got brought up all the time and I was questioned about it like I won a million but my older brother is the rich one and pretends he’s not he’s beyond fkin tight but nothing gets said to him.
I got careful what I said or what I would buy as money seems such a big deal in my family which I hate.

That’s awful. Sorry that happened to you. Defo sounds like what my mum would do. She literally can’t keep any secrets that aren’t about her.
When my sis found out she was pregnant she told my mum not to say anything but of course she did forced her to tell all our siblings. But then told us all to keep quiet because she didn’t want her dickhead alcoholic partner to know so we could be even be openly happy for her. She totally took that moment away from my sis.

I just came back to say I feel absolutely rubbish. I've had an awful chest infection as well so mentally and physically not well. Returned to work today after a couple of days annual leave, which was a waste, and I just want to curl up in bed and cry.
I've heard nothing from her since my so called telling off on Monday, which says she either can't remember or doesn't think she should apologise. Not that I'd accept an apology at this point.
Always second best 👌

Well just over a week after my mother let my son down and did not see him for his birthday (she sent a message with some stupid excuse) i find out that not only had she never intended seeing him but she was not even in the country at the time. She was with 'family' she never goes to pretty much slandering my name. The thing is she went to one of her neices and not another and now there is holy war going on and guess whose fault it is? Mine apparently.

Myself and my son were away for a week only got back yesterday. We were in spain but the mother had found out i was away and told family that I was in a facility for alcoholics to get help for some addiction she has decided. Now of course i didnt know this while happily in spain and i posted pics of us there which shows her up to be a liar and then I got some very very nasty messages sent to me from her. And i do mean very very nasty ones. Shes now blocked from my sons phone again. I am apparently a loser, a shame on the family and that is why nobody wants to be around me. Oh and I am ruining my sons life.
This is the son I brought on holiday for a week, gave him a couple of once in a lifetime experiences (dolphin swimming etc) and this apparently shows the level of my neglect. Shes seriously unhinged and she revolts me. How and why you would do this to another human I wil never know. I just know I am not her and thats good enough for me.

@Genuineweddingone ❤

@CoffeeLover90 thank you but you know what is sadder? I am not even surprised by it. Shes a horrible human and I have allowed her to walk all over me for two long. The telling things about one message was she wrote 'But watch this space madam I will win this war and you are a loser'. What war? The war she has inside her head? Shes to be pitied.

@Genuineweddingone
Honestly she is completely nuts ! It defies belief and she is totally delusional. I hope you still had a great time and her antics haven't ruined it for you. x

I have it all in writing too. Shes written other things but that stood out. There is no war. There never was. I was going about my business including her in my life and then out of the blue she rings my childs school and now its gone to this. Its frustrating because I am getting the blame for something I had no part in and shes the victim but i guess unless you have had to deal with it sadly like everyone on this thread has, you would never believe a person could be so evil. Shes really fucking evil. What she has done is solidify that even giving her an inch with seeing my child she will never be happy so thats it. Contact gone. She had her chance she has blown it and she can do what she wants.

Recently she told my stepbrother 'oh i was in hospital and had nobody to put as next of kin' looking for sympathy but he knows what shes done and he is like ffs look at why you have nobody. Shes clinging now onto family she has not bothered with in years because she has destroyed hers. I should thank her for showing me how not to be as a parent really.

@Genuineweddingone This is where I am now. That I'm not even surprised. But I should be, because this isn't expected of a parent?
I have a little boy too and it hurts more now. I look at him and wonder how you could you do this? I was just like him once. Annoying but innocent.
Made a note of everything, like a journal in my head, of what I saw and heard, how it felt and I bend over backwards to not do these things with my son.

Exactly I look at my son and think how the hell could a parent WANT to hurt their child or in my mothers case go out of her way to hurt me and the knock on effect is hurting my child. Then telling people that I neglect him and I am ruining his life. The kid is the happiest most wonderful child. I am very lucky with him but not in the least bit neglected. Its shameful what she is doing but she feels no shame at all. I think it is all the more baffling when you are not in the least a hurtful person. I wont even pretend to be the nicest person, I can be a bitch if I need to be but i would never ever go out of my way to hurt another person and definitely not my own child. Its so frustrating when all you hear is 'but you only have one mum'. Correct and I would never hurt her this way so why would she hurt her kids or at least one of her kids this way? I did not ask to be born.

I think this all the time too. My moms happy to watch me be upset have not one family member speak to me and doesn’t give a S how can you treat your own kids like they’re nothing.
I really feel for you she sounds fkin hideous 🙈 my mom sends me a bit of abuse but her weapon of choice is the frozen out the family silent treatment.
Im glad I don’t get all the abuse you suffer on top that’s even worse.
Your mother did not deserve kids they’re Just cruel.

@Everchanging24 oh well apparently I am a disgrace to the family to. Sorry her words 'you are a disgrace to your family'. Bear in mind my 'family' is myself, my son and my father. My family are my friends because they are the ones always there for me which I think she resents as she has never kept a friendship herself. The reason I dont have other family is because shes lied about me over the years to them all and thats fine but it is so ironic she says I am a disgrace when I am the one thats actually achieved the most out of all of them. My therapist says it is jealousy. Everything she accuses me of she has done. And shes not ruining anything. They dont talk to me anyway and shes tried to call his school and they have decided my son is a credit to me, social services totally signed off on it and almost laughed about it it was that absurd. None of my friends will even talk to her as over the years shes tried to 'get them on side' but they know me. Its just madness. And then she becomes victim because she cant see her grandson - the one who she called the school and ss about etc. I mean there is no logic to it. She cant see him without me organising something as he is too young to drive etc and to be honest he doesnt really want to see her anyway but she tells everyone how its my fault she doesnt see him and never ever looks into why I am protecting him against her. This past week has concreted things for me. I wont be doing anything again. She is dead to me. I dont need to live the rest of her life or mine feeling anxious about her lies and they are all lies. She cannot tell the truth. She prefers to lie. So let her. Its really not me that loses out in the end.

She’s lucky you even look in her direction she rings social services on you that is low AF. She sounds evil like properly evil how have you put up with that all this time ? Poor you.
You are better off away from her honestly and protect your son too 🙈
I have to go to my parents tomorrow to pick up something I left there and I’m dreading it tbh.
My mom will hide like usual then send out the narc stepdad who pretends he likes me when he don’t and is the organ grinder but pretends he’s the monkey. I already have anxiety about it my partner was meant to go but he’s on an unexpected job far away so can’t now and I need it so have to.

@Everchanging24 possibly all my life but when I had to talk on the phone to social services (I rang them because school said they had to report her report which is fair but I was worried) and I asked them what she said and they said to me 'oh exactly what she said in 2019 when she called us'. I had a call from them in 2019 to say a report had been made and retracted and they just needed to talk to me and i was absolutely devastated. Could not understand who would do this or why and assumed it was anonymous but apparently it wasnt and it was her then too and the same week I saw her and she said oh you look upset and like an idiot i confided in her about the social services call. Her immediate response was 'do you think your brother and the wife contacted them' and then I started to wonder and all this time it was her. She really is fucking evil and the more I think back the angrier I am that I have allowed myself to be her mental and emotional punchbag but I am over it now. She can rot. She has dropped to the lowest level now trying to go after my innocent child and she will never get to him like she got to me. Unlike her I will protect my child forever. That clearly means protecting him from her.

I hear you on the anxiety and I had this recently myself and the feeling is just awful not only because nobody should make you feel anxious or ill inside yourself but least of all the person who gave birth to you and is meant to protect you. I will be online off and on tomorrow and I am sure others will too if you need to chat. Its just horrible that they can make us feel like this in our own adult age. Its unfair it really is. None of us on this thread deserve to be treated this way. Will be thinking of you tomorrow x

Been a minute since I last posted. I’m in desperate need of a vent, normally I would call my dad in such circumstances but I can’t because he’s dead.

Some of you may remember I had both my dad and sister living with me & I kicked my sister out then ended up caring for my dad on my own. (Alongside a job, child)

My sisters behaviour from the get go has been appalling.

She ignored me at our fathers funeral, didn’t help out toward the end of his life. Barely text or called. She was abusive towards him which is one of the many reasons I kicked her out. (She still thinks I owe her an apology for that)

Anyway, fast forward a couple of months, she sends me a link to a charity fundraising page she had set up in our dads memory. There was a photo of just him and her, then a long essay about her & how she’s all alone in the world, how SHE has lost HER dad. I messaged her and said ‘we’ lost him, not just you. I told her I thought it was a bit ‘me me me’.

Anyway, she told me I had really upset her, to leave her alone, how raising money for charity isn’t making it about her, if you knew my sister you would understand how transparent this all is. She didn’t give a fuck about him when he was alive.

She also told me she didn’t mention me because of the way I treated her!! I’m sure she will now go and cry to her flying monkeys about how her villain of a sister is showing off again.

@Escapingafter50years
Thank you for that Instagram link, I've been having a little look at it and it is uncanny how much rings true!

Just wondering what you lot would make of this...

A very close family friend died a couple of years ago and my mum is always bitching and moaning about her (she did this whilst she was alive too, so I was always confused about what their relationship was). About a month or so ago my mum said something about her that really shook me and I don't think I've been quite the same since. Between this recent incident and recent being compared to my oh-so-perfect cousin 🙄, and just the general buildup of stuff over the years, I've been feeling really down lately.

Backstory:
When I was a teenager and choosing between two sixth form colleges, my parents pressurised me to go to one of them, and one thing my mum said to sway me was that it was near this friend and my gran on my dad's side so I could go to them if I ever needed anything. In reality my mum was always jealous of my relationship with this friend and this grandmother, and got angry when I did what I was told and went to them.

A horrible new boy joined the sixth form and quickly became the new big bully in the school, but my parents didn't want to know because he was also the richest kid in the school and they wanted to rub shoulders with his parents (I think they wanted me to get together with him 🤮). I was attacked by him and my mum didnt like me talking about it and wanted me to hide my injuries so she wouldn't have to see them. She used to hit me if I said anything about it, and my dad just stood by and let her. I think they saw me as ruining their plan. My mum refused to believe anything negative about him and would slap me while shrieking, "you bitch, he didn't do it, he's a good boy from a good family!" even while I showed her evidence (bruises and scratches) of what he had done.

One day I happened to see this friend and she asked me why I looked down and I ended up telling her about this boy. This friend was appalled and said she wouldn't tolerate him treating her daughter like that (she was the same age as me but at the other sixth form). I was relieved to be listened to and believed. Anyway she ended up telling my mum to report him to the school, report it to this person, escalate to that person, etc. My mum went crazy, hit me, bitched about this friend and her problems, told me not to have anything to do with her, said I'd hurt her (my mum), it was worse for her than for me, etc.

I've realised recently that my mum has still not forgiven me or this friend for talking about this (she has said multiple times in the past that I hurt her with this). There was also a sexual element to some of this boy's bullying and my mum has always hated victims of sexual abuse speaking out, she has said on multiple occasions that this makes them worse than the perpetrators! 😲
So she hated me for criticising someone from a "good" (rich) family (she is into this "good family" shit, I think it is to do with the culture she is from) AND for talking about sex AND for talking to this friend - like I have ticked all the boxes for my mum to hate me.

Years later... When I married DH my parents tried to take over and dictate everything and criticise all our ideas. Among other things they tried to dictate the guest list to us and then went behind our backs to tell their friends they were invited and tell our friends they were not. DH was very stressed out by this and suggested eloping, but I felt conflicted because I wanted a big wedding surrounded by friends. My parents went behind our backs and invited a couple that I did not want there under any circumstances, and we didn't owe them anything and they hadn't been expecting an invite anyway so we could have got away with not inviting them.

This couple clashed with this friend, and ever since then my parents (well, my mum really) have moaned to me about it non-stop even though it was years ago. My mum always blames this friend for it. I told my parents this would happen if they invited this couple and they didn't listen to me.
Now about a.month ago my mum has said she has no regrets about inviting this couple (who are nothing to us and we are nothing to them) but we should not have invited this friend (who was a close friend of us for practically as long as I can remember). DH and I were both shocked at my mum choosing this couple over this friend.

Since then I have been thinking about how my mum has always undermined all my relationships and driven wedges between me and other people, especially friends of my choosing. I knew all along but it really brought it home to me, and I feel incredibly lonely now. I've realised that a lot of my "friends" are family friends who were friends with my mum first and when push comes to shove they will side with her, not me. This friend was one of the few who stood up for me and stood up to my mum, and I think my mum never forgave her, even if they were "friends" to the end. I think I miss this friend and my grandmother, even though they were flawed human beings, but when I was in sixth form they were more like mothers than my actual mother was.
I have been trying to make.more friends but it is hard and I think I screw up a lot. I have missed a lot.of.opportunities over the years and regret it. I may have screwed up a new opportunity recently and have been down ever since. I am scared I have left it too late to have real friends or social life of my own, and tbh I'm panicking a bit.

I'm wondering what other people.would make of all this. I think my parents always isolated me and controlled me, I've always known all along but it has become extra clear to.me now. Does this make them narcs? But of course my parents always say they gave me an "idyllic" (their word) childhood, including taking me to lots of stately homes! (which I hated)

I am trying desperately to rebuild my life and relationships, but I think there is a risk I might rush into things, make mistakes, push people away / scare them off / be too needy / vulnerable etc. I've had problems with sleep and concentration and feelings of loneliness lately, and it's starting to really affect me. I'm worried because one night my sleep.problem woke my husband too so I feel it is going too far now.
Yet my parents will never see or understand this, and neither will everyone else, they just see my mum as a sweet old.lady who loves her kids and is a pillar of the community and all that jazz. I think she may have discarded (or at least isolated me from) anyone who suspected the truth about her. I feel she has always chosen other people over me while accusing me of.doing that to her. I guess it is just another part of both my parents generally choosing their needs over mine. I feel so tried and confused and it is now starting to impact other areas of my life. Luckily.i have been able to mostly avoid them lately without raising any suspicions. Apart from dh I dont know who I can talk to irl.

Thank you to anyone who has read this far!

@DavesSpareDeckChair I've struggled to make and keep friends over the years, although to be fair not due to my family, and I often feel I say or do the wrong thing (that's thanks to family amongst other things) Lately, I've really bonded with colleagues. In fact no longer just colleagues, they're my friends. If you work try being a bit more open and suggest socialising. If you have spare time are there any hobby or community groups you could join? Still lean on DH, sounds like he knows how hard you've had it.

And stay away from anyone who makes you feel shit. As hard as it is. Low contact or no contact. Someone posted about yellow Rock in a previous comment. I found that helpful.

@DavesSpareDeckChair you have Stockholm syndrome. While you expend all your energy dealing with and pacifying your mum/family you have no energy for healthy friendships.
Get some distance from them and start making decisions that benefit you. Stay away from their friends and any flying monkeys.
Your insecurities come from shit parents but you are not obligated to waste another of your life. Your parents will never understand because they don't want to.
Being alone is preferable to being manipulated and used by ungrateful, selfish people.
I read recently that if we don't heal the deep wounds inflicted by our family we will bleed on everyone else.

@JellyWellyBoots you are choosing to remain in your sister's chaos and drama.
The charity thing is attention seeking, leave her to it. Stop involving yourself, drop the rope, get off the hamster wheel of reacting to her dog whistle.

@binkie163

You are right.

Today, at 6pm she called me. She said she needs a place to stay because there was an incident at her house the previous day which meant she couldn't go there. Also she was in A&E with a broken ankle & asked me to pick her up.

I had to say no. I feel like an awful awful person but the last 2-3 times she has stayed with me have been awful. I don't need to go into detail but her behaviour is highly triggering & I end up having anxiety. She tries to control me, picks at me, yet if I give her an ounce back she will cry and call anyone who will listen.

I wish more than anything I had a different relationship with my sister, i could absolutely use an extra pair of hands & some adult company. I'm a single parent & im exhausted 24/7. But unfortunately, just like every member of my family, I am called upon when they need somewhere to stay, or need money. I wonder why it took her until 6pm to ask me to drop everything for her, I wonder how many people she called before me.

Also, she's off sick. So she'd be at mine, all day everyday with a broken foot. I've just got my life back after dads illness took over.
I am not a respite centre nor a care home.

Long story short- mother with undiagnosed mental health problems, very impulsive, emotionally unavailable, abandoned me to fend for myself in london at 16 overnight. No sense of boundaries, often left at school gates or friends, often forced to do things that were really not ok.

now I have dc that I love so much. She continues to be a blight on my life. I can’t quite bring myself to go nc, I try but then feel so much guilt as she has no partner, no support and seems so trapped in her obsessions and needs. Tried to take her out yesterday- she had accused my husband of telling her not to come over, which he never did - and told all the family this lie about this gentle man that is my rock. Then we got stuck in traffic while she went on and on and on and on about how her carer had left her phone charger at home and what a nightmare it was- so we took a diversion to find her things at her home, where she had left them. Finally I cracked. And I literally starrrdd screaming and screaming and shouting that she was a pig and that I f’ing hated her. My poor four year old dd is saying it’s ok mummy don’t be sad mummy and I am totally losing it.

i feel so ashamed. I hate how she gets to me and doesn’t care. I hte how she triggers me so much and I behave so badly and melt down in front of my dc. I don’t want them to think this is normal or acceptable. I don’t know how to explain to dd what I did and why and how to stop her taking on my terrible language. I resent her so much. Any time I have contact with her is toxic. And yet she is just a little old lady. She went to sleep lying down on a park bench when we arrived and was perfectly charming to my sister in law and I just feel insane. And ashamed and very very trapped by her.

thanks for listening.

I can really relate to that, @BeeTrainScofferLotta. My mum is also a 'little old lady' who I have ended up screaming at. I know the guilt and cognitive dissonance is huge.

The only thing is to go NC. Do it so that your DD never sees you brought to such a point again.